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Old 06-07-2020, 07:41 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
48,757 posts, read 47,054,962 times
Reputation: 95483

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Einhander View Post
Yea. But I don’t want to just do it to feel better. This never even hit me until now. I can’t believe it. It’s an intense feeling.
You'll have lots of intense feelings come and go throughout your life. But you don't have to make life-changing decisions based on all of them.

Despite what some say, kids aren't just something you have. You should focus on developing caring relationships with people in your life. If you happen to meet a woman for whom you develop feelings of love, hopefully you two can make that work and children will come from that.

But you're right, not everyone is meant to be a parent. We all have dreams that we don't achieve. You still have to make your life fulfilling in spite of that.
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Old 06-07-2020, 09:49 AM
 
Location: Greenville, SC
5,229 posts, read 4,177,539 times
Reputation: 9883
I'm 73 years old. I married at 40 and had a stepdaughter who I loved as my own. My wife and I discussed having another child. Then my wife decided to leave me for her boss and my stepdaughter was gone. I never remarried and as the years went by, had to face the fact that I would never have children of my own, or a relationship with my stepdaughter.

No one should ever have a child just because they feel strongly they desire one, whether because their biological clock is ticking, or they don't feel fulfilled without one. That applies to men and women alike. A child isn't something you do for your own satisfaction or fulfillment, or because you see having one as an important life goal. Or (God forbid) because you see a child as a sort of possession to keep up with the Joneses. A child's a human being - parenthood is about the child, not the parent.

You also don't want to go out and find a woman to marry so you can have children and not be depressed. That makes your relationship with your wife secondary to the acquisition of children. This is not a recipe for a successful marriage - or for being a successful parent, since you would be using your children as a mood enhancer.

I have a godson who's in his 20s now. I've taught Sunday school in my previous parish. If you belong to a church, you can teach Sunday school. If you don't, I'm sure there are Big Brother programs, kid sports teams looking for coaches, tutoring opportunities, and other programs where you can contribute to the life of children. As BirdieBelle says, there are many dreams we have to forego or modify as we get older.
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Old 06-07-2020, 09:52 AM
 
1,446 posts, read 423,304 times
Reputation: 3606
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
You'll have lots of intense feelings come and go throughout your life. But you don't have to make life-changing decisions based on all of them.

Despite what some say, kids aren't just something you have. You should focus on developing caring relationships with people in your life. If you happen to meet a woman for whom you develop feelings of love, hopefully you two can make that work and children will come from that.

But you're right, not everyone is meant to be a parent. We all have dreams that we don't achieve. You still have to make your life fulfilling in spite of that.
Actually, I'd argue that the bolded is probably the way that vast majority of people have come to exist on this planet. Not that that's ideal, but...
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Old 06-07-2020, 09:56 AM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
19,731 posts, read 12,843,133 times
Reputation: 41601
Quote:
Originally Posted by Einhander View Post
No. I’m not ready. So do I try to make it work or should I just give it up?
You are putting the cart before the horse. NORMALLY, you fall in love with someone and then you have kids, but you do not seem to have even a serious girlfriend, so you are doing things bassackwards.

Find the girl of your dreams first, then go from there. You are still young enough to do it, and I agree that having kids is one of the best things that can happen to us in our lives. My life really began the day my sons were born.
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Old 06-07-2020, 10:09 AM
 
308 posts, read 125,070 times
Reputation: 412
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vasily View Post
I'm 73 years old. I married at 40 and had a stepdaughter who I loved as my own. My wife and I discussed having another child. Then my wife decided to leave me for her boss and my stepdaughter was gone. I never remarried and as the years went by, had to face the fact that I would never have children of my own, or a relationship with my stepdaughter.

No one should ever have a child just because they feel strongly they desire one, whether because their biological clock is ticking, or they don't feel fulfilled without one. That applies to men and women alike. A child isn't something you do for your own satisfaction or fulfillment, or because you see having one as an important life goal. Or (God forbid) because you see a child as a sort of possession to keep up with the Joneses. A child's a human being - parenthood is about the child, not the parent.

You also don't want to go out and find a woman to marry so you can have children and not be depressed. That makes your relationship with your wife secondary to the acquisition of children. This is not a recipe for a successful marriage - or for being a successful parent, since you would be using your children as a mood enhancer.

I have a godson who's in his 20s now. I've taught Sunday school in my previous parish. If you belong to a church, you can teach Sunday school. If you don't, I'm sure there are Big Brother programs, kid sports teams looking for coaches, tutoring opportunities, and other programs where you can contribute to the life of children. As BirdieBelle says, there are many dreams we have to forego or modify as we get older.
Very good points made here. You have to just let your life to continue to unfold and be happy in the present moment. If someone comes along that you are in love with and things move in that direction, then so be it. Otherwise, just enjoy today's moments of joy.
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Old 06-07-2020, 12:32 PM
 
120 posts, read 32,879 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Einhander View Post
I am a male entering my mid 30s. I just can’t believe how I’m this old. Age can be relative though because my older relatives always think I’m young and my young relatives always think I’m old. But I’m talking about being a parent.

But I’ve never felt the way I feel now. I think quarantine made me think about things. I still feel young and look it but I don’t like the number anymore. I wish I could go back and be 10 years younger just so I wouldn’t be feel like time is running out to get married and have kids. Although if I could go back, honestly I would probably do the same things.

But I read if you wait to late to have kids then they could end up with brain problems. But I am starting to feel pressured right now. How can I have kids when I don’t even have a spouse or girlfriend? Plus there’s The Who time commitment and financial strain. Obviously I’m not ready. I know that.

Do I want kids? No and yes. I like being single and saving money and having time to do the hobbies I do. I love it.

But there’s many sides to this. I’m afraid that when I’m an old man that I’ll regret not having kids and grandkids. I am into genealogy. I love studying family and ancestry. For me to not have any kids would mean that my bloodline stops. And I would be disappointing my family

Also I’m worried maybe it’s too late to have kids already. I always felt young but then life goes by fast. I never even thought about kids. But now I’m stating to feel this guilt inside of me.

I know that taking care of kids is a big responsibility and is expensive. I once heard not having any and regretting it is not as bad as having them but regretting it. And then there’s the whole thing about needing a wife too. I’m not married!

I suppose I could adopt kids. But then my bloodline would stop
. And I’m not ready for taking care of anyone. So I feel bad either way. I wish I could be 10 years younger again so that I could push all this to the side and just think about it later.

But now the time has come and I just feel awful. Would it be better if my wife was younger? I just can’t even believe I’m in my 30s let alone mid 30s now. It doesn’t even feel real. It felt like I was in my 20s yesterday.

I just feel like this is a no win situation for me. Sure I would love to find the girl of my dreams. And then get married and have kids. But sometimes that’s not in the card for you. It’s weird because just last week I wasn’t thinking about this.
I get it. I was going through a divorce as I entered my 40s (she was 12 years younger, had a son before me so I raised him as son, and we tried for a while for another child). I wanted kids badly and decided to hire a surrogate and buy eggs. I had two embryos transferred to my surrogate but neither made it. Ironically, as I was going through the process, I met a great woman who is now my wife. After the second failed embryo transfer, we got engaged, married, and had two boys. I got a late start but I have a great life, wife, and kids.

I realize the surrogate/egg route is costly (plus raising child/children solo...and hiring a nanny) but I highly recommend it for single guys wanting kids. The bonus is that you have full control of your kids and no woman can use the family courts to steal your kids and money. Definitely worth researching.
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Old 06-07-2020, 12:45 PM
 
15,142 posts, read 27,220,585 times
Reputation: 25105
If this childfree-by-choice woman of 67 may say...
I think often men want children "because it's a biological necessity" hence the bloodline statement. It's a mortality thing sometimes, and a mark of adulthood.

Nowhere does it say that OP wants to actually be a parent- spend time with babies and children, take care of them, engage in raising them. I always wonder what someone is thinking when they say they want kids but don't talk about being a parent. It seems very abstract and I think maybe not a great reason to hustle to have kids, especially if a man who has more time to make this enormous change in life.
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Old 06-07-2020, 01:03 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
84,417 posts, read 77,596,360 times
Reputation: 85555
Quote:
Originally Posted by NDak15 View Post
As the guy you don't need to worry about complications like women do. Your tadpoles aren't going to produce babies with brain damage. If you are worried a out complications maybe look for someone a few years younger. Just make sure you're actually compatible.
That's not true. Sperm quality degrades with age, so the longer you wait (and the OP is nowhere near the age, where one would have to worry), the greater the chance that your tadpoles could be the cause of deformities in the child, while your partner's eggs could still be in good shape. Or visa-versa. It's the luck of the draw.


OP, first things first. Assuming you have a decent-paying job, are building a retirement fund for yourself, and have those basics covered, we need to discuss what you've been doing the last few years to find a potential LTR partner. Now, anyone with half a brain knows that that's easier said than done. But I"m just wondering if you've been socializing, participating in hobbies, activities or volunteer groups or whatever, that draw single women, trying out OLD now and then, and generally getting involved in your community in some way, or in various ways, so you can see who's out there.

What's your strategy been, or have you had a strategy? Or have you not really thought about it until now?


And it does sound like you've considered the commitment, energy and financial requirements involved in having kids, and are ambivalent. So I'm also wondering, if maybe part of your concern about where you're at in life, might be due to feeling societal pressure to have kids, like--having an awareness, that that's what you "should" be doing, whether it's right for you personally, or not.

There's nothing wrong with bucking the trend and the expectations, and being your own person.

Is having kids something you truly want, or is it something you feel like you should be doing, to fit in?


The other major factor in making the decision, though, depends on what happens, when/if you meet a partner you get all goofy for , and that magic alchemy of her energy combining with yours spontaneously makes you want kids, when you didn't think you ever wanted to go there before. Love can be transformational.

It can be a "you won't really know for sure until you get there" kind of a thing.



So, now you're even more confused, right?


Confusion can be good. Out of confusion can come self-discovery and growth.
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Old 06-07-2020, 03:17 PM
 
8,997 posts, read 4,641,025 times
Reputation: 18247
Quote:
Originally Posted by djsuperfly View Post
Actually, I'd argue that the bolded is probably the way that vast majority of people have come to exist on this planet. Not that that's ideal, but...

On this planet, yes, but less so in developed countries.
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Old 06-07-2020, 03:22 PM
 
5,706 posts, read 7,808,434 times
Reputation: 5707
I feel that sometimes as well. If you're not ready now, there's really nothing to do about it, but if you want a relationship that might lead to kids then you need to take active steps in that direction - being proactive about it.
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