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Old 06-07-2020, 04:00 PM
 
15,142 posts, read 27,220,585 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by otowi View Post
I feel that sometimes as well. If you're not ready now, there's really nothing to do about it, but if you want a relationship that might lead to kids then you need to take active steps in that direction - being proactive about it.
Also talk about it with prospective dates/relationships. Many women already have kids and might well not want more, and yes, there are many who are sure they don't want to be parents. It's usually harder to find a woman who doesn't want kids than one who does. I'm told that most people find the reverse to be true- that a lot of men can go either way.

I lost one great guy over the issue- he was dying to have bio kids and I knew I didn't want to be a parent. I know marriages and situation that broke up because one or the other was very different in feeling about becoming a parent. And I've yet to personally meet a guy who already had kid(s) for whom having another was a deal-breaker. I really wonder what men who think they want kids think their life with kids will be like and what it will ask of them and what they can rise to.

Thank you for letting me post here.
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Old 06-07-2020, 05:51 PM
 
2,459 posts, read 766,591 times
Reputation: 6559
Quote:
Originally Posted by Einhander View Post
I wish I could be 10 years younger again so that I could push all this to the side and just think about it later.
Apparently that's precisely what you did, so why do it again? If it would take you ten years to decide maybe you might want kids (really 20 because you haven't decided it in the past 10+ years already and now you want another 10), it sounds like you don't really want them. Raising another human being is one of those things that you should probably really really know for sure you definitely want to do. It's not really a "meh I guess maybe?" proposition. (Then again, it is more of one for men than women because they know their wife will be expected to do most of the work and will probably get custody if they ever split up.)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Einhander View Post
Yea. But I don’t want to just do it to feel better. This never even hit me until now. I can’t believe it. It’s an intense feeling.
Then listen to that. You're having some sort of existential life crisis. Bringing another person into the world and devoting 18+ years of your life and finances and time and well-being (theirs will come before yours) isn't something you do on a whim, or because other people think you should, or because you're worried about some "bloodline" (what's the harm to the world if your bloodline dies out? No, really. Without bias-- what? What happens if you have a kid who then decides to let the bloodline die out with them, or dies before you?), or because you have a sudden emotional moment because you were thinking about mortality (hint: just because someone who shares some of your genes is alive doesn't mean *you* are alive. You're going to die some day and you and your consciousness will be gone, no matter how many kids you have).

Is having kids (or for that matter, a relationship) something you really thought about/wanted before the whole coronavirus thing?

Here's what I read in your OP: you want to keep the lifestyle you have (unlikely to happen), you say you "don't want to take care of anyone," but you want to have kids to please others and pass on your genes (for some reason). You have some vague idea you want a relationship, but from the way you word things it sounds like you mostly want kids and realize you're going to have to find some woman who can help you with that-- I don't see much about how you actually want a relationship just for itself. IMO, kids should be an addition to a relationship, not the reason for having one. It's not quite like saying "I want to install a new bathroom sink, better find a plumber."


Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
Also talk about it with prospective dates/relationships. Many women already have kids and might well not want more, and yes, there are many who are sure they don't want to be parents. It's usually harder to find a woman who doesn't want kids than one who does. I'm told that most people find the reverse to be true- that a lot of men can go either way.

I lost one great guy over the issue- he was dying to have bio kids and I knew I didn't want to be a parent. I know marriages and situation that broke up because one or the other was very different in feeling about becoming a parent. And I've yet to personally meet a guy who already had kid(s) for whom having another was a deal-breaker. I really wonder what men who think they want kids think their life with kids will be like and what it will ask of them and what they can rise to.

Thank you for letting me post here.
Yes. Make sure the woman knows you want kids, and soon, and that that's why you chose to enter into a relationship. Some women your age may be past the age when they want kids. Make sure a younger woman also knows you chose her for her age and baby-having ability. Yes, these things will matter to some people. Be honest right off the bat. And, it's highly possible that a woman who got to middle age without having kids did so because she doesn't want them. This is probably a conversation you should have very early on in the relationship.
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Old 06-07-2020, 06:27 PM
 
8,311 posts, read 7,499,676 times
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I have same problem as OP. But I am not in the financial position I want to be. I dont think I ever will be. There is one woman, that I wanted to start family with, but she is also getting up there. Is probably too late for me.
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Old 06-07-2020, 06:36 PM
 
Location: Howard County, Maryland
7,130 posts, read 4,382,263 times
Reputation: 19386
Quote:
Originally Posted by Einhander View Post
I suppose I could adopt kids. But then my bloodline would stop.
Being a single parent is hard. Some people have it thrust upon them and have no choice but to do the best they can. Don't purposely bring this upon yourself.

It's true that your bloodline would stop if you adopted kids, biologically speaking. But in the eyes of the law, and in the eyes of God (at least in the Christian expression, this being the expression that I know), and I assume in the eyes of the genealogy tables (I'm not into genealogy, so I don't know for sure), an adopted child is YOUR child, just as fully as if you fathered him or her yourself.

I'll echo a previous poster and ask why it matters to you to continue your bloodline. I'm not trying to be snarky or argumentative, I'm genuinely curious. I've never cared about bloodlines, myself, so I don't quite understand why it's important to some people, other than those who are trying to maintain a hereditary monarchy.
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Old 06-07-2020, 06:46 PM
 
6,581 posts, read 3,021,516 times
Reputation: 18203
Dont you live at home w your parents???
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Old 06-08-2020, 01:56 AM
 
Location: interior Alaska
5,027 posts, read 3,735,946 times
Reputation: 15933
Don't have kids just because you want a legacy. Have kids if you want kids. You won't be thinking of legacies when you're changing diapers or dealing with rebellious teens.
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Old 06-08-2020, 07:14 AM
 
Location: Florida
12,692 posts, read 6,066,094 times
Reputation: 25864
It ain't over till it's over. My husband became a father for the second time at age 50.
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Old 06-08-2020, 09:33 AM
Status: "Happy Juneteenth!" (set 12 hours ago)
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
19,784 posts, read 24,949,648 times
Reputation: 52710
Quote:
Originally Posted by RamenAddict View Post
That is not true. There is a higher incidence of autism in children when the parents are older. This also happens when only the father is older. I saw this as well at my last job (state agency that served people with developmental disabilities). We had a lot of clients with much older parents. That said, the OP is only in his 30s, so no need to worry just yet.
This is often overlooked and it is true. Older mothers are at risk for Down syndrome. Older fathers, for Autism spectrum disorder.

The OP isn't old enough to worry but it's a consideration, moving forward.

Of the reasons the OP stated, "bloodline" seems the strangest. People have children to nurture, love, teach and add to their family.

Bloodline sounds like raising horses or breeding dogs.
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Old 06-08-2020, 11:01 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
7,065 posts, read 5,695,624 times
Reputation: 24320
I don't mean to be flippant about this, I respect your feelings, but here's another person who also feels like time is getting away from her and is afraid it's too late for her to find a mate and have kids. Maybe you two can start to communicate...

https://www.city-data.com/forum/psyc...l#post58326229

It's very common, especially now that you have time to reflect because you're not out and busy all the time, to feel that you are not where you should be in life. Believe me, you have many years to procreate successfully, if that's what you want. Men can have healthy kids long after women are even capable of conceiving. The issue though is really for you to decide what you want from life, before life decides for you. And for heaven's sake don't have children to please anyone else. Focus on finding a good life, and being a good person, and a good mate will, or won't, appear.

I've never really understood the whole "end of a bloodline" concept. To me, 1) who cares? what's so great about anyone's "bloodline" and 2) it's really not the end of a bloodline unless you have no siblings, none of your parents had siblings, or their parents had no siblings, etc. If you go back into your genealogy, you will see that there are other relatives who have children. Will they have the exact combination of your parents' DNA to come out just like yours? Nope, unless you have a twin. Even your children will only be half "you".
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Old 06-08-2020, 11:47 AM
 
3,388 posts, read 1,375,382 times
Reputation: 7975
You really haven't given this much thought and have no idea what having kids entails. If the only reason you want kids is for your desire to leave behind your bloodline, became a sperm donor. Problem solved.
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