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Old 06-08-2020, 11:34 AM
 
3,395 posts, read 1,375,382 times
Reputation: 7977

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Quote:
Originally Posted by capitalhockey View Post
Hello,

My wife (part-time) and I (full time) both work with 2 young kids (toddler and baby). My parents live nearby and have been helping us with child care (3 days a week with occasional weekend). We thought this was great so our kids can have a close relationship with their grandparents while also saving money on daycare. My parents were willing and excited for this arrangement as it is normal for our culture to have grandparents to be very involved with grand kids' lives.

Lately, I am starting to rethink this arrangement after a year of experience. I get constant unsolicited opinions and criticism from my mom. We also have differences in parenting approach/methods. I have to bite my tongue hard to keep the peace but feel trapped to continue on. It's creating feelings of resentment. The money saved (over $2000/mo) is great but I am not sure if it's worth the drama. It might be better to outsource the child care and feel better. Just have kids do occasional visits to grandparents. I am sure my parents would be initially hurt and disappointed to see their grand kids less often.

1) Has any parent gone through a similar financial cost vs. benefits decision? What was your decision and how was outcome?

2) Has any grandparents been in this predicament?

Thanks.
Our parents occasionally baby sat our kids for special events, but never offered to provide full time or part time day care, and we never asked. We baby sat our grand kids but never offered to provide day care. We had no desire to take on a part time or full time unpaid job, because that is what it is. If there had been a true economic necessity we would have done it, but our kids were making more than we were. Alot of our friends do part time day care for their grand children, but I think they are being taken advantage of, though they don't feel that way. My wife was a stay at home Mom until the youngest of our three kids started junior high. We made do financially and we never considered it a hardship. We just did what was expected.
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Old 06-08-2020, 11:42 AM
 
2,565 posts, read 944,588 times
Reputation: 6570
I would put them in daycare. Your mom should not be yelling at you and I would nip this in the bud. Your parents might actually be relieved not to have to provide care. You should give your kids a sweet treat once a week so it’s not forbidden fruit.
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Old 06-08-2020, 12:22 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
18,514 posts, read 19,325,786 times
Reputation: 46478
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
Yes, I put mine into a nice daycare/preschool. (snip) I think it was actually a relief to my Mom too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
I think a lot of parents don't realize this ^^^. It's one thing to keep your grandkids occasionally, but to serve as full-time child care three days a week can be a grind.

Using the (legitimate) excuse of socialization with other kids is a great segue.
Great points. I am a grand parent and have many, many friends who are also grandparents. I can't tell you how many times that I have had friends who are grandparents share that they feel that their adult children are "taking advantage of them" by expecting them to provide free child care but not realizing or accepting that they (the grandparents) aren't young, energetic and healthy anymore. Many grandparents are hesitant to say anything as they are worried that their adult kids would be angry and cut off contact with their grandchildren.
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Old 06-08-2020, 01:17 PM
 
9,000 posts, read 4,641,025 times
Reputation: 18247
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
You are really sparing with your details about the differences you and your parents are experiencing in raising the children, but if your other complaints are similar to zero sweets, I think maybe you should re-evaluate your parenting.

Do you actually not allow your children EVER to have sweet treats? If that's the case, you're heading for eating disorders when they're finally able to make decisions for themselves what to eat.

Toddlers don't need a "sweet treat" daily as Gma is giving him. The parents, not Gma, should decide on what, when, and where for a toddler's sweets imp.
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Old 06-08-2020, 01:21 PM
 
9,000 posts, read 4,641,025 times
Reputation: 18247
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
You are really sparing with your details about the differences you and your parents are experiencing in raising the children, but if your other complaints are similar to zero sweets, I think maybe you should re-evaluate your parenting.

Do you actually not allow your children EVER to have sweet treats? If that's the case, you're heading for eating disorders when they're finally able to make decisions for themselves what to eat.

Toddlers don't need a "sweet treat" daily as Gma is giving him. The parents, not Gma, should decide on what, when, and where for a toddler's sweets imo. My toddlers had no "sweets" until they were 4-5 and they have no eating disorders. Some of their friends whose parents were more lenient are downright obese now, like so much of our population.

Last edited by Harpaint; 06-08-2020 at 01:49 PM..
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Old 06-08-2020, 02:11 PM
Status: "I'm Living the Nightmare" (set 11 days ago)
 
Location: Dark Side of the Moon
250 posts, read 90,840 times
Reputation: 758
Let me just say that I never knew how bad my parents were at parenting until I had children that they cared for.

A possible solution for you that we used: I don't know if you have the space, but we got an AU PAIR when our twins were born (we both work full time, then and now). We had aN au pair (live in) for nearly 6 years--who also taught our children Spanish!

I can't tell you what an incredible experience this can be! It was such a wonderful experience for us, but we're liberal and open-minded to other cultures. We've since been to visit our au pairs in their home countries and made life time friends with their families.

Since your wife is PT, she can help guide the au pair on many issues, so the au pair could be a "mother's helper" for part of the time.

You'll need an extra bedroom, but we paid the au pair only $140/wk for TWO infants, which would have cost us more in daycare what you're saving now. You can also get au pairs who do not drive or who do--there are so many issues you can control with this type of arrangement, but you also need to be okay with someone living with you.
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Old 06-08-2020, 10:18 PM
 
7,876 posts, read 3,824,760 times
Reputation: 20722
When my Mom babysat my kids, it was with the understanding that She would do her utmost to bath, feed, and guide them in there tasks. Supervise and give some wonderful memories. We were BOTH on the same page on alot of the Child rearing duties. When in her care, SHE deserved respect for her way of managing the time and their well being. I entrusted her. I did NOT undermine her or think she had to kneel to my way of parenting. We had pretty much knew that wasn't going to fly.

My kids had some great and funny times with their grandma. I wouldn't have traded that in for anything.

Most times when reading of the great divide in HOW to rear a child or instruct the Nanny on what is acceptable, we tend to forget that our kids are not property to be a bargaining tool. Be versed in co operation techniques and realizing YOUR parents raised you and you probably turned out well. So unless they are giving little johnny matches and telling him to burn down the neighborhood, I'd pick my battles more carefully. there is nothing wrong in adults sharing difference of opinions . there is something wrong when as an adult The ears close when a wise person gives some sage advice. My go to answer when listening to someone I regard is "Hey! I'll take that into consideration". And then actually do consider it. Doesn't mean you have to act upon it, give it thought though.

My son and his wife are kind enough to write out what is permissable for the kids or have a time table for when things are to be accomplished. In bed by 8. read a book. those things. Beyond that they entrust that I have the kids best interest when watching over them.
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Old 06-08-2020, 10:34 PM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
10,611 posts, read 3,760,135 times
Reputation: 15881
Quote:
Originally Posted by KimNChicago View Post
Let me just say that I never knew how bad my parents were at parenting until I had children that they cared for.

A possible solution for you that we used: I don't know if you have the space, but we got an AU PAIR when our twins were born (we both work full time, then and now). We had aN au pair (live in) for nearly 6 years--who also taught our children Spanish!

I can't tell you what an incredible experience this can be! It was such a wonderful experience for us, but we're liberal and open-minded to other cultures. We've since been to visit our au pairs in their home countries and made life time friends with their families.

Since your wife is PT, she can help guide the au pair on many issues, so the au pair could be a "mother's helper" for part of the time.

You'll need an extra bedroom, but we paid the au pair only $140/wk for TWO infants, which would have cost us more in daycare what you're saving now. You can also get au pairs who do not drive or who do--there are so many issues you can control with this type of arrangement, but you also need to be okay with someone living with you.
I had an aunt who never married and who made a career out of being an au pair for the children of a succession of three wealthy families. She was 18 when she started and 63 when the last children were fully raised and away from home. All those children adored her and kept in touch, being very supportive over the years. They all became good friends with each other.

When she retired, they got together and bought her an acre of land in a small, nearby town, with a nice trailer home and an outbuilding. All of us in our family became friends with the children she'd raised and together, an endowment was established that supplemented her small Social Security benefit. At her funeral, there were more members of her au pair families, than from our own. From the age of 13 to 18, she'd raised three of her younger siblings, after their father died in an industrial accident. She had a very full life and was loved and appreciated by more people than most of us would ever be.
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Old 06-09-2020, 06:09 AM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
12,005 posts, read 15,620,538 times
Reputation: 28642
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
When my Mom babysat my kids, it was with the understanding that She would do her utmost to bath, feed, and guide them in there tasks. Supervise and give some wonderful memories. We were BOTH on the same page on alot of the Child rearing duties. When in her care, SHE deserved respect for her way of managing the time and their well being. I entrusted her. I did NOT undermine her or think she had to kneel to my way of parenting. We had pretty much knew that wasn't going to fly.

My kids had some great and funny times with their grandma. I wouldn't have traded that in for anything.

Most times when reading of the great divide in HOW to rear a child or instruct the Nanny on what is acceptable, we tend to forget that our kids are not property to be a bargaining tool. Be versed in co operation techniques and realizing YOUR parents raised you and you probably turned out well. So unless they are giving little johnny matches and telling him to burn down the neighborhood, I'd pick my battles more carefully. there is nothing wrong in adults sharing difference of opinions . there is something wrong when as an adult The ears close when a wise person gives some sage advice. My go to answer when listening to someone I regard is "Hey! I'll take that into consideration". And then actually do consider it. Doesn't mean you have to act upon it, give it thought though.

My son and his wife are kind enough to write out what is permissable for the kids or have a time table for when things are to be accomplished. In bed by 8. read a book. those things. Beyond that they entrust that I have the kids best interest when watching over them.
I very much agree with this. No one else will ever handle your kids exactly the way you do, or exactly the way you want them to.
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Old 06-09-2020, 06:34 AM
 
Location: Riverside Ca
20,895 posts, read 23,285,166 times
Reputation: 32185
Quote:
Originally Posted by capitalhockey View Post
Hello,

My wife (part-time) and I (full time) both work with 2 young kids (toddler and baby). My parents live nearby and have been helping us with child care (3 days a week with occasional weekend). We thought this was great so our kids can have a close relationship with their grandparents while also saving money on daycare. My parents were willing and excited for this arrangement as it is normal for our culture to have grandparents to be very involved with grand kids' lives.

Lately, I am starting to rethink this arrangement after a year of experience. I get constant unsolicited opinions and criticism from my mom. We also have differences in parenting approach/methods. I have to bite my tongue hard to keep the peace but feel trapped to continue on. It's creating feelings of resentment. The money saved (over $2000/mo) is great but I am not sure if it's worth the drama. It might be better to outsource the child care and feel better. Just have kids do occasional visits to grandparents. I am sure my parents would be initially hurt and disappointed to see their grand kids less often.

1) Has any parent gone through a similar financial cost vs. benefits decision? What was your decision and how was outcome?

2) Has any grandparents been in this predicament?

Thanks.
I have friends who take care of grandchildren. I can tell you that they get as tired of taking care of them as you hearing their criticisms. Truthfully relying on your parents to raise your kid is unfair to everyone. Your parents, you and your kid. While I don’t mind taking care of someone’s kid as far as occasionally babysitting (and I have done it in the past and continue to do so) I’m not going to do it on a daily basis.
Even if it was my own grand kid

SI ce they are also raising your kid for free you do t really get to say a whole lot on what they do. They raised you didn’t they? You probably turned out ok so your kid should too.
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