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We're relocating about 2.5 hours from where we've until this point raised our family. My daughter, age 15, is a sophomore in high school, and mad as all get-out that we're moving. She does have some difficulty making new friends, and she has a wonderful support base of friends where we're at.
Extenuating circumstances: (yes, there are always things extenuating circumstances... lol) She is my oldest, but is the middle child of all of them. She's always been very protective of her special needs brother, but really frustrated with all other siblings. She pretty much avoids her stepdad, who is the main reason we're moving. Her biological father is not in the picture, and really hasn't been for years. She's just overflowing with "teen angst"!
I'm such a pansy, though, that I'm afraid to approach the subject of moving with her at all. When I finally DO get the guts to talk to her about it, she just says she's not going. We're getting close to moving day. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can perhaps approach the subject in a new perspective? I know there are people who have been through this before, any insight? I really believe she will fit in just fine, if she'll give things a chance. She refuses to come see the new house, hasn't even been to the town yet!
She's an honor roll student, advanced classes, academic bowl, the whole nine yards. I'm concerned that... ok, I'm not really sure what I'm worried will happen, I'm just worried.
I'm not sure I would support a move. I myself have made career decisions to stay where I am for family reasons. To remove a child in that situation from every support base she has - I couldn't go there.
You are going to have to bite the bullet mom and press the issue. She really needs to hear your "whys". I went to a zillion schools as a kid. I was a little shy but still made friends easily. That didn't make moving any easier. I didn't just leave my friends, I left my room, my favorite spot in the yard, the tree I loved to sit in, that special place at the top of the stairway and colors I had chosen for my own room decor.
It's not all about the big scary stuff... sometimes its about the little safe stuff too.
have the talk, tell her those little things you will miss, maybe she'll open up a little.
willow mentions a key thing, the things you'll miss.
Perhaps she isn't realizing that you're making sacrifices to, and connect with her on that and use that as a starting point. Try to not 'force' the issue, as we all know that direct force to upset teenagers gets direct force back. That whole equal and opposite reactions type thing.
So, find the common ground, and work from there, and encourage her to give things a shot, etc.
As much as I agree with Dave, that moving children is NOT a good thing, especially teenagers as they've made long term friends, etc... it may be a necessity and I'm not one to tell you if you're wrong or right in your choice.
I would say however that 'teen angst' is not really what your daughter is exhibiting. Sounds like she's succeeding very well where she is, and doesn't want to leave that and understandably so. Would you leave a job that you were doing really well at and enjoying? No, so try to help her find reasons for her to want to move. She may never want to move, but do things to help her.
Some minor incentives might help, (don't compromise your values) but, perhaps let her paint her room a color she really likes? Or, I dont know. I wouldn't go for things like money, later curfew, etc because they aren't particularly relevant to the situation at hand and may enforce the notion that she can hold out long enough to get what she wants.
Nobody likes things 'forced' on them, and I bet thats what she's feeling now.
I've already done special decor in her room, offered to get her back here about every other week to visit with her friends, even the town we ended up buying in was in large part because of the class selections and extracirriculars they have that fit her specific needs. She knows these things. The new town even has much of the "feel" that our old town does. It's uncanny, really, as this is an odd little town to begin with. The new house is even close to one of her favorite relaxation destinations, just like the old home. There's a mom-and-pop restaurant within walking distance of the new house that reminds me a lot of her favorite restaurant here.
...wow. It just occurred to me that it appears I'm trying to replicate everything she has here down there. Maybe that's the problem?
I'll be talking to her this evening, and dropping moving dates on her that are going to be MUCH sooner than she's ready for. She's known since September that we are moving, though. I still don't know what I'm going to say, but I can't wait any longer. She's only got two weeks left here, and I think she deserves to know...
I'll update later. Thanks again for all of your help!
I don't see how replicating it could be a problem, but I'm not a psychologist by any means.
All I know is that things have always gone smoother when the child feels like they're a part of the decision. And that its not just being forced on them.
It is your house, your rules, so it is being forced on her, because she doesn't have a choice... but it doesn't have to feel that way.
I guess at this point, I am asking my parents to come be with me tomorrow evening when I tell her what date we are moving. Thanks again to everyone who replied!
I guess at this point, I am asking my parents to come be with me tomorrow evening when I tell her what date we are moving. Thanks again to everyone who replied!
Have a great evening!
~Danielle
Good luck.
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