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Old 06-18-2020, 04:01 PM
 
6,889 posts, read 3,109,754 times
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This is nothing more than the culmination of bad parenting.



I don't believe in iron discipline. But I do believe in respect. And respect for others. That's what you teach your children from an early age. Not only to respect the opinion of others, but to voice your opinion respectfully. So when your child has his or her opinions that differ from your own, you respect it and talk about it like reasonable adults. That way, he or she understands the rules that guide civilized conversation.



I mean, hell, my oldest son and I agree on next to nothing politically. But we like discussing politics. Because we haven't turned it into blood sport, a question of dominance of one person over another. Same with my daughter.



But this girl has not learned those things. And that's the fault of the parents.



This is a girl who needs a reality check, and the only way that's going to come is by her living out in the real world for a while.
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Old 06-18-2020, 05:14 PM
 
6,070 posts, read 3,335,852 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by allaboard19 View Post
Then she stormed into her room. Father then said, "we are still going to eat meat" (her mom & family loves all types of meat).
That wasn't nice to say. What was the purpose on saying that?
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Old 06-18-2020, 05:27 PM
 
Location: NNJ
11,052 posts, read 6,253,689 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by allaboard19 View Post
You raise them the best you can and invest into college funds, buy them a car, for their future and they try to destroy yours with stress and no appreciation and a lack of tolerance.
You bought them a car after all that irresponsibility and misbehavior?
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Old 06-18-2020, 07:11 PM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
7,071 posts, read 5,695,624 times
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Can't rep you again Electrician4you, but that's the bottom line whoever's house it is.
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Old 06-18-2020, 09:45 PM
Status: "Happy Juneteenth!" (set 1 day ago)
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
19,789 posts, read 24,949,648 times
Reputation: 52732
Quote:
Originally Posted by MinivanDriver View Post
This is nothing more than the culmination of bad parenting.



I don't believe in iron discipline. But I do believe in respect. And respect for others. That's what you teach your children from an early age. Not only to respect the opinion of others, but to voice your opinion respectfully. So when your child has his or her opinions that differ from your own, you respect it and talk about it like reasonable adults. That way, he or she understands the rules that guide civilized conversation.



I mean, hell, my oldest son and I agree on next to nothing politically. But we like discussing politics. Because we haven't turned it into blood sport, a question of dominance of one person over another. Same with my daughter.



But this girl has not learned those things. And that's the fault of the parents.



This is a girl who needs a reality check, and the only way that's going to come is by her living out in the real world for a while.
Exactly. This is NOT a political thing - a right wing or left wing thing. I have a progressive friend who's daughter rebelled with right wing politics. Extreme right wing politics. She also use profanity, called names and was oppositional defiant. Kids, can rebel against their parents and society in many ways. In this case, it was as though she just wanted to anger them and p them off.

When my friend's husband said "We also love our country and respect our military,. Instead of screaming at us that we are not patriotic enough, and we sent you to a college that "wasted your time". why don't you DO something for your country and enlist? Instead of screaming profanities at us and calling us *******s?"

At first she was terrified of the idea and it shut her up.

They stopped paying the lease on her car and stopped paying her cell phone.

She got a job at a quick mart, and then at a fast food place and then at Walmart. In each case she picked fights and was written up for her behavior and attitude.

Finally one day my friend and her husband took her to see recruiters. She had no criminal record. She did well on a test she had taken for the military in HS.

She ended up enlisting in the Navy. She was actually enthusiastic.

Three years later, she is a changed person. Her social and political choices are not so extreme. She isn't racist and is respectful when they see her, which is a major change.

It was a little rocky for her in the beginning but she's done well with military life. Now eventually she wants to finish her college degree and she's no longer hostile and angry.

This strategy would not work for the OP's daughter because she hates the military.

What would work would be her parents forming a united front, which might be hard in this situation.

Is there any way she could go on a mission trip to a third world country? If she finished college she could be challenged into signing up with Vista, Peace Corps, Teach for America or several other volunteer groups.
The thing is, she would have to finish college. How are her grades? Did she do well in school?

If she is so into social change and justice, along with "fighting the system".

There ARE many volunteer programs. I'd have to research it, and if the OP is interested I'd be more than happy to help. She needs to be away, and walking the talk that she says she believes in.

Finishing college would be the first start. I can help with that also.
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Old 06-18-2020, 10:16 PM
 
8,897 posts, read 4,767,714 times
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As of today, which is way overdue, no one should be engaging her about her choice of religion, politics, diet or any other personal choice she makes, she's an adult entitled to have her own beliefs. She's also old enough to choose who she selects as a partner regardless of the guy's brothers alleged problems. What makes the OP think any of these things is any of his business? What should be a concern is the lack of respect that all the players in this game seem to have for each other.

There's a complaint above about the daughter spending money on junk. Where does that money come from? Where does gas money and insurance funding come from for the free car she's driving? These are things that should be her responsibility, whoever is financing her lifestyle should cease, it is simply enabling her ability to keep from becoming a productive member of society. Why would anyone finance the whims of a family member who claims to not want to be part of the family or at least show all parties a degree of civility and respect?
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Old Yesterday, 05:57 AM
 
14 posts, read 2,196 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gus2 View Post
So she has formed her own path and has made some big mistakes along the way. Not at all uncommon at that age. Even more understandable given that her youth was split between 2 continents with a frequently absent father. And from what the OP has posted, it seems as though even if you were around, you were not respecting her choices and are constantly criticizing her, so of course she rebels and just fights you on everything. If you were yelling loud enough that she called the cops on you? There is definitely a huge disconnect between you two, so it's no wonder you want to just throw her away.

A sign of good parenting that is not.
Other details behind this were her mom was pressured by her family to raise her in Brazil so she can be fluent in Portuguese. So, she went to k1-k6 in both countries at different periods. This became a tug of war between her and my family of where she should go to school.

Frequently absent? never missed birthdays, xmas mom or fathers day. and did not travel each year. Many times it was them being driven to the airport for an int'l flight.

I had an established job in the states meeting clients face to face until Aug. 2008. My main source of income was not in both countries, only the US. Once the great financial depression came, it took all income away so I could not spend time in So. America at that time and earn little money. That crisis destroyed many families including mine. I read about many who worked in the financial srvcs industry commit suicide.
The disconnect is she chose to identify with liberals of today where the end justifies the means by any way necessary. From be a vegan or a murderer eating flesh, defund police because all they do is kill people, the military rapes and kills people, used 70's wardrobe from thrift shops, makes fun of religion followers, the native americans were slaughtered by Americans, I wish we could go back to the cave man days where there is no land bought and everyone shares,.. etc. who could have taught her this crap?

Plus, I am a moderate dem. and she is an extreme liberal. Also, guess what, her mom has criticized her far more than me with numerous statements of "you're annoying, "I wish I could be on an island..." They argue a lot too. She has been the common cause of arguing and disagreements.
Throw her way? Have you had 100% success helping those who oppose you and don't want the help?
Her opposing views and blatant disrespect are too strong. Everyone cannot be helped. There are people raised correctly yet prefer to do the wrong thing because it's their nature. The frog and the scorpion crossing the pond.

another example: Homeless people in L.A. were built a shelter to correct their lives and given a curfew and no drinking or drugs. They didn't want to follow those rules and preferred to stay on the street.

Why is the focus on the "possible" cause instead of the solution? You know families grow up this way a lot, especially latino fathers working in the US while his kids and family are down south. This is all the US media does is look at the cause instead of solutions. If I had to blame a cause, it is social media and this toxic political movement that includes no tolerance and everyone is to blame if you are not 100% with the change no matter your skin color. Her past, my past with her, and her mother's will not change but her future can.
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Old Yesterday, 06:03 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
48,770 posts, read 47,054,962 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by allaboard19 View Post
Other details behind this were her mom was pressured by her family to raise her in Brazil so she can be fluent in Portuguese. So, she went to k1-k6 in both countries at different periods. This became a tug of war between her and my family of where she should go to school.

Frequently absent? never missed birthdays, xmas mom or fathers day. and did not travel each year. Many times it was them being driven to the airport for an int'l flight.

I had an established job in the states meeting clients face to face until Aug. 2008. My main source of income was not in both countries, only the US. Once the great financial depression came, it took all income away so I could not spend time in So. America at that time and earn little money. That crisis destroyed many families including mine. I read about many who worked in the financial srvcs industry commit suicide.
The disconnect is she chose to identify with liberals of today where the end justifies the means by any way necessary. From be a vegan or a murderer eating flesh, defund police because all they do is kill people, the military rapes and kills people, used 70's wardrobe from thrift shops, makes fun of religion followers, the native americans were slaughtered by Americans, I wish we could go back to the cave man days where there is no land bought and everyone shares,.. etc. who could have taught her this crap?

Plus, I am a moderate dem. and she is an extreme liberal. Also, guess what, her mom has criticized her far more than me with numerous statements of "you're annoying, "I wish I could be on an island..." They argue a lot too. She has been the common cause of arguing and disagreements.
Throw her way? Have you had 100% success helping those who oppose you and don't want the help?
Her opposing views and blatant disrespect are too strong. Everyone cannot be helped. There are people raised correctly yet prefer to do the wrong thing because it's their nature. The frog and the scorpion crossing the pond.

another example: Homeless people in L.A. were built a shelter to correct their lives and given a curfew and no drinking or drugs. They didn't want to follow those rules and preferred to stay on the street.

Why is the focus on the "possible" cause instead of the solution? This is all the US media does is look at the cause instead of solutions. If I had to blame a cause, it is social media and this toxic political movement that includes no tolerance. Her past. my past with her and her mother's will not change but her future can.
I wish you could read your posts objectively to understand how they come across to someone else.

With every word you write, I feel sorrier for your daughter, since she is clearly a product of the chaotic, careless environment in which she was raised.

And you know what? None of those political examples you keep giving is important to this problem. The fact that you keep arguing that further proves that you aren't seeing the forest for the trees here. When children are raised with criticism, chaos and blame, rebellion is the natural response.

I'm afraid it's too late. The damage has been done, and any attempts at influence from you will be ineffective. She will undoubtedly face conflict and perhaps incarceration if her inability to cope with disagreement causes her temper to boil over.

Sorry, Dad. Y'all blew it.
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Old Yesterday, 06:15 AM
 
14 posts, read 2,196 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lbjen View Post
There’s nothing in here about what a good parent you are. You mention how you were once called in another country to reprimand her over the phone. You mention that she was removed from therapy after the therapist dared to suggest that perhaps the issue might be the parents. You bought her a car despite not being happy with any of her decisions. But noooo, it’s all the media and her friends and society that are to blame.
not called just one time. This was a simple 6-7 yr old not wanting to eat food her grand made for her or playing with her dolls and not stopping for a bath. This is not uncommon behavior for a child.

I bought her a used car at age 17 because she needed it for work, musical practice and got "A" grades. This is a normal incentive from where I grew up in California. Yes, that's how my bros and sisters were raised is you give them the tools when earned, the right education, the right teen peers, guidance, and incentives to make good choices in life. We turned out fine. Which part is wrong here?

I became unhappy with all her decisions AFTER she got the car. She became worse after it was bought. She became a compulsive liar and lied about a car accident after each mechanic said no way it happened like she said. I was lied to a month ago about illegal possession.
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Old Yesterday, 06:17 AM
 
14 posts, read 2,196 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
But she is NOT financially dependent upon him, and she does NOT live in his household. She lives with mother, and he doesn't live there. There is not a darned thing that he can do about the whole situation.

Since he has no control, the best thing that he can do is love her, charm her, encourage her. Only praise and admiration. Encourage her to get a job, education, a life. But only in a positive way. He has no other options, since she is NOT his dependent and does NOT live under his roof.
this is correct. ^^^
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