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Old 06-19-2020, 06:38 AM
 
15 posts, read 3,698 times
Reputation: 20

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Quote:
Originally Posted by MinivanDriver View Post
This is nothing more than the culmination of bad parenting.

I don't believe in iron discipline. But I do believe in respect. And respect for others. That's what you teach your children from an early age. Not only to respect the opinion of others, but to voice your opinion respectfully. So when your child has his or her opinions that differ from your own, you respect it and talk about it like reasonable adults. That way, he or she understands the rules that guide civilized conversation.
It is civilized. Neither of us are interrupting the other. In a nice way, I tell her you're smart and you know not all cops are bad? If they're defunded more murders and domestic violence will happen. You're not seeing the big picture or experiments in cities where there is a low police presence. All spoken calmly. OR that being a vegan does affect your immune system and hormones. She says the native indians ate off the land, vegetables and fruits and we should too. I said, well they also killed horses. eagles, bear, and deer for meat so they were not vegans.

It's when she realizes her information is not accurate or doubtful is when she starts raising her voice yelling you're a murderer, cops are murderers, and so on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MinivanDriver View Post
I mean, hell, my oldest son and I agree on next to nothing politically. But we like discussing politics. Because we haven't turned it into blood sport, a question of dominance of one person over another. Same with my daughter.

But this girl has not learned those things. And that's the fault of the parents.

This is a girl who needs a reality check, and the only way that's going to come is by her living out in the real world for a while.
She lived out in the real big city for a year. said it was hard life but still maintains her beliefs. When she yelled at me as a murder the first time about 2 mos ago just because of the smell in the house of chicken. She apologized. I said, okay, I respect your passion but that is not how you're going to change someone is by calling them a murderer if they eat meat.
People are individuals. If 100 teens are all taught by an outstanding teacher/parent, the results are not always 100% success. At some point the success rate falls for a few for whatever reason. People will stray, wander, question the rules, or go their own way entirely.
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Old 06-19-2020, 06:46 AM
 
15 posts, read 3,698 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Exactly. This is NOT a political thing - a right wing or left wing thing. I have a progressive friend who's daughter rebelled with right wing politics. Extreme right wing politics. She also use profanity, called names and was oppositional defiant. Kids, can rebel against their parents and society in many ways. In this case, it was as though she just wanted to anger them and p them off.

When my friend's husband said "We also love our country and respect our military,. Instead of screaming at us that we are not patriotic enough, and we sent you to a college that "wasted your time". why don't you DO something for your country and enlist? Instead of screaming profanities at us and calling us *******s?"

At first she was terrified of the idea and it shut her up.

They stopped paying the lease on her car and stopped paying her cell phone.

She got a job at a quick mart, and then at a fast food place and then at Walmart. In each case she picked fights and was written up for her behavior and attitude.

Finally one day my friend and her husband took her to see recruiters. She had no criminal record. She did well on a test she had taken for the military in HS.

She ended up enlisting in the Navy. She was actually enthusiastic.

Three years later, she is a changed person. Her social and political choices are not so extreme. She isn't racist and is respectful when they see her, which is a major change.

It was a little rocky for her in the beginning but she's done well with military life. Now eventually she wants to finish her college degree and she's no longer hostile and angry.

This strategy would not work for the OP's daughter because she hates the military.

What would work would be her parents forming a united front, which might be hard in this situation.

Is there any way she could go on a mission trip to a third world country? If she finished college she could be challenged into signing up with Vista, Peace Corps, Teach for America or several other volunteer groups.
The thing is, she would have to finish college. How are her grades? Did she do well in school?

If she is so into social change and justice, along with "fighting the system".

There ARE many volunteer programs. I'd have to research it, and if the OP is interested I'd be more than happy to help. She needs to be away, and walking the talk that she says she believes in.

Finishing college would be the first start. I can help with that also.
Thank you for this post. I am all in for helping her and us. I have told her many times we are family and blood forever. I have always believed she can do great things.
She finished 1 year of college and starts back this fall. Always B's or A's.
She wants to go to the Amazon to help stop the deforestation and helping the indigenous people.
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Old 06-19-2020, 06:46 AM
 
7,621 posts, read 13,895,732 times
Reputation: 9869
Why have you posted, OP? Are you looking for advice or do you want to argue politics, ideology and other random points? We cannot argue for your daughter, that's her case to make, even if she either doesn't know how to (or cannot) argue her point without inflammation. You could draw the line then but you clearly do not. Your(?) daughter does have a lot to learn, but so do you and her mom.
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Old 06-19-2020, 06:49 AM
 
Location: Florida or outside of it
338 posts, read 159,781 times
Reputation: 541
Quote:
Originally Posted by NotahYei View Post
It seems to me the OP got a lot of good advice here, but instead of seeking advice, wants validation of how he parented was correct and proper (i.e., it's her, not me)
That is typical across this whole website. When most on this site “ask for advice”, they’re really looking to be told that what they are doing or did is the correct course of action. Longtime posters do this frequently, and act surly whenever someone offers advice that doesn’t fit their agenda.
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Old 06-19-2020, 08:31 AM
 
Location: West Coast U.S.A.
1,089 posts, read 366,197 times
Reputation: 1606
Quote:
Originally Posted by allaboard19 View Post
It is civilized. Neither of us are interrupting the other. In a nice way, I tell her you're smart and you know not all cops are bad? If they're defunded more murders and domestic violence will happen. You're not seeing the big picture or experiments in cities where there is a low police presence. All spoken calmly. OR that being a vegan does affect your immune system and hormones. She says the native indians ate off the land, vegetables and fruits and we should too. I said, well they also killed horses. eagles, bear, and deer for meat so they were not vegans.

It's when she realizes her information is not accurate or doubtful is when she starts raising her voice yelling you're a murderer, cops are murderers, and so on.


She lived out in the real big city for a year. said it was hard life but still maintains her beliefs. When she yelled at me as a murder the first time about 2 mos ago just because of the smell in the house of chicken. She apologized. I said, okay, I respect your passion but that is not how you're going to change someone is by calling them a murderer if they eat meat.
People are individuals. If 100 teens are all taught by an outstanding teacher/parent, the results are not always 100% success. At some point the success rate falls for a few for whatever reason. People will stray, wander, question the rules, or go their own way entirely.
Quote:
Originally Posted by allaboard19 View Post
Thank you for this post. I am all in for helping her and us. I have told her many times we are family and blood forever. I have always believed she can do great things.
She finished 1 year of college and starts back this fall. Always B's or A's.
She wants to go to the Amazon to help stop the deforestation and helping the indigenous people.
This is good, OP. Continue to listen and try to understand and stop letting yourself get drawn into unimportant arguments. Help he learn to do the same.
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Old 06-19-2020, 09:33 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
7,127 posts, read 5,726,235 times
Reputation: 24467
When she goes back to school will she be living in the dorms? Perhaps time away from the family at school will help her to appreciate you more.

People are attacking the OP because he posted some unclear information and they've made assumptions about their lifestyle /living situation because some of his earlier posts were unclear. It's not fair to make all these assumptions when you don't have all the information.

She sounds like she's going through an emotional time trying to achieve what I'm going to call "ideological independence". I think a lot of kids go through this at a younger age. I did some of these things at 13-14, the usual screaming your point of view at your "stupid" parents and then slamming the bedroom door. Eventually we all figure out that, while our parents may not have been right 100% of the time, they did have more knowledge about the real world and how it works than a teen does. By the time they are out in the real world for a few years their parents seem to have mysteriously gotten smarter.

Ask for the respect you deserve as a parent, but don't try to force your political and dietary choices on her. Nor should an adult child be telling her family what they are allowed to cook or eat in their home, or what to believe. If she wants vegan food, fine. If she has a job, she can stock the fridge with things that she wants to eat. Maybe once a week she and mom (or dad) together can make an all vegan meal just to show her you are also open to trying new things and respecting others choices. If you are not ready for her to move out, or if you feel she is not ready, then the 3 of you, and any other family that lives in the house should have a calm, reasoned discussion and maybe set some boundaries in the house for everyone to abide by. Boundaries about respecting others choices as long as they are legal, safe, and don't infringe on others, no name-calling, no screaming at each other (includes mom and dad screaming at each other), no lying, etc. Explain that these are "house rules" and those that can't be adult and follow them need to think about what are the consequences of failing to abide by them. Then model the behavior you want to see.
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Old 06-19-2020, 09:48 AM
Status: "Happy Solstice." (set 4 days ago)
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
19,859 posts, read 25,003,218 times
Reputation: 52915
Quote:
Originally Posted by allaboard19 View Post
Thank you for this post. I am all in for helping her and us. I have told her many times we are family and blood forever. I have always believed she can do great things.
She finished 1 year of college and starts back this fall. Always B's or A's.
She wants to go to the Amazon to help stop the deforestation and helping the indigenous people.
See? If she goes to a particular type of college that offers these things, she might get all of the anger and vitriol out of her system and channel it in a positive direction. If she is involved with environmental concerns. there are colleges that actually specialize in environmental studies, and offer working trips to places such as the Amazon. She can also help indigenous people. there and in the US as well.

There are also Gap year programs, some environmentally focused, where she can spend six months to a year away from home. You may need a break from her - and she from you. That may be just what she needs.

These colleges and experiences offer training for jobs after college.

Again, she'll be forced to put her "money where her mouth is". I think her causes are noble. The way she is expressing herself is NOT.

This was what I advised my friend with the daughter who ended up enlisting in the Navy - don't fight her beliefs and inclinations - but have her challenge them into a positive endeavor. She is no longer a racist - in the military everyone has to work together, regardless of race. It's worked out well for her. Sending her to a progressive college, would have had the opposite affect. You kind of have to meet them where they are.

I am a college and academic independent advisor. I also specialize in "failure to launch" young adults. Unfortunately, today there are many.

I don't always recommend colleges and universities, Sometimes I recommend trade school, the military or a gap year. I am also a huge proponent of volunteer experiences - and there are so many out there.
I also love Teach for America. One does not have to be an education major to do this. Just a college grad - 4 years. It helps to cancel out college debt.It's a fantastic program and I have no idea why more people don't avail themselves of it.

If you want to send me a direct message, I work for City Data members gratis. I do not charge.

I think young people today have a hard time in many ways. Our country is so politically striated, that they take their cues from adults, social media, the internet and friends.

Again, feel free to message me. I am happy to help.
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Old 06-19-2020, 11:18 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
7,127 posts, read 5,726,235 times
Reputation: 24467
Excellent offer ^^^^ and sound advice.
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Old 06-19-2020, 11:47 AM
 
1,586 posts, read 659,268 times
Reputation: 5364
Peace Corps?
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Old 06-19-2020, 12:05 PM
 
1,184 posts, read 1,619,642 times
Reputation: 2962
Quote:
Originally Posted by gus2 View Post
Peace Corps?
I was about to say this. I didn't appreciate all my parents did for me just giving me a roof over my head for 18 years until I was on my own for about 10 years.
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