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Old 04-28-2008, 02:19 PM
2 posts, read 17,190 times
Reputation: 14


I'll try and make this short and sweet but it's a long story. Feel free to ask me questions. After several years of counseling these are the only memories I can muster.
When I was 5 years old my older brother (3 years older) started molesting me. When I was 7 years old I got up enough nerve to tell my mother. My mother told my father, they had a fight, my father lectured my brother and grounded him, my mother told me "never speak of this to anyone" which she reiterated over and over again.
I remember going to a medical doctor to have my private parts checked. It was uncomfortable and they asked me lots of questions. No one asked me if I wanted to speak to anyone and I remember feeling that they didn't believe me. I remember cringing when the doctor touched me and wanting to cry. Sorry but that's all I got.
After that my father started going out of town on business a lot and eventually accepted a job which placed him overseas 28/28 which means he served 28 days in the foreign country and then 28 days home state side but travel time came out of state-side time. My mother started to treat me poorly especially when my father was not around. Her favorite form of manipulation consisted of verbal abuse that has left me with an image disorder (I have a tendency to think I am fat and ugly but with counseling this image has improved...I can now logically convince myself that I am not fat and ugly but I have a hard time actually seeing it.) She also enjoyed physical abuse on several ocassions. I say enjoyed because it was always a very cruel form of physical abuse. I remember seeing her laugh as she pulled my hair out because of something I hadn't done. I eventually broke away from abuse by becoming overly involved in community and church organizations which constantly demanded my presence away from the home.
At the same time my brother continued to physically molest me until I was almost 11 years old. At which time I remember manipulating him to leave me alone by threatening to contact the sheriff (who was a friend of the family). He must have believed me because he did not come to me seeking sexual favors after that. Instead he resorted to constantly bullying me. My mother and sister picked up on this. The only time the bullying stopped was in my dad's presence and he was not around much.
In high school I arranged my schedule so that I was so over involved in community, church, and school activities that I was never home but for a few minutes during the day and not until after 10pm. I even got a part time job which became nearly full-time by my senior year.
Graduated, went to college, met husband.... My parents who made over 6 figures refused to help with college. If you are a college student under 24 years old, you are aware of the damaging costs of this. I knew my only recourse was to legally emancipate myself but I was not emotionally ready. It wouldn't be until my junior year of college that I started to seek therapy and it wasn't until a year into my marriage that I began talking about the abuse. My parents insisted on claiming me as a dependent while I was in college while offering no assistance. Oftentimes this resulted in the government asking me to pay more taxes. They even did this the year before I got married. They were really sneaky and did their taxes in mid-January because they got their W-2's early and then left a message on my phone telling me what they did and that I had to file as a dependent. Okay fast forward to the wedding - my parents refuse to support us with any costs what-so-ever and then invite my brother who I intentially did not invite as I had no relationship with him from the time I was 15 years old on. They show up at my wedding and insult the other guests, ditch me at the empty church 2 hours early to go get a steak (even though I have a paid catered meal coming in), insult the dinner, shove my hired photographer out of the way to get pictures of my little sister, leave the reception to "change cloths" etc etc.
After that they didn't speak to my husband and I for like a year and a half. Then they call and leave messages and emails and eventually I feel guilty so I contact them. Then they make me feel like the black sheep daughter and guilt me into visiting them. When we visit it is uncomfortable and they tell my husband stories about my childhood that aren't true and never happened and joke about me being a ditz and airhead etc. etc. taking every chance to bully me in little ways without being too obviously offensive. After the visit I go into a huge depression, seek more counseling, and decide that the best thing for me to do is to sever ties with my family. I tried to write a letter, couldn't do it. Mainly because my family is so delusional, they have created all these stories to cover the truth and my little sister doesn't even know the truth and wouldn't believe it if I told her. My father has stopped defending me all together and the entire time we visited he was drunk and high on prescription drugs. I haven't contacted them since December when my mom sent me a box of rotten oranges and a card reading "we're grandparents" with a check for $100. Yes I cashed the check. My husband convinced me to although now I regret not sending it back. The whole experience was weird and unusual. We didn't send Christmas cards this year because I was unemployed. Anyways no contact since early December 2007 when my mom asked for my mailing address. All of a sudden it is April 2008 and my parents are relentlessly emailing us and then they must have used 411 or the white pages and looked up my husbands name to get our house phone and they are calling here two to three times a week. I have yet to answer the phone or reply. They keep saying they have good news for us (which I believe is that my brother had a baby with a girl he married a few months ago. I think about that and cringe.... who knows what kind of person my brother grew up to be? I fear for the child's safety.) It is the same tactics they used last time to get us to contact them. Honestly I wish they would just leave us alone, but I don't think they will unless I write them a letter. Problem is - I did that once. When I was a sophomore in college I wrote a letter to my parents saying that unless they were going to support me, I didn't want them to contact me anymore (I had gone into a Christian ministry program and they thought it was stupid). It didn't work. They got me to contact them again using their guilt tactics. Why do I feel guilty? I am the one who was wronged. I cannot under any circumstances have children knowing that these people may eventually come into contact with my children and manipulate them. I feel like I can't roster my name with my church denomination because they will look it up and then begin to manipulate my congregation, job, etc. Why would they continue to contact me? And how can I get them to leave me alone? Do I need a lawyer?
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Old 04-28-2008, 02:37 PM
1,363 posts, read 5,650,980 times
Reputation: 879
Change your phone number-don't give it to them, get and use caller id to screen your calls, and don't cave to the guilt. If I were you, my mantra would be "mom and dad who?" I have issues with my parents, but yours make mine look like a walk in the park. If they are as toxic to you and your life as your post implies, then the "well they ARE my parents" mentality doesn't do it for me. Not everybody should have had children, and it sucks that you were born to parents who fall into that category, but as an adult, you don't have to choose to keep going back to that. I understand the obligation feelings, but it sounds like they are no longer (and haven't been for a long time) worthy of that obligation. Cut 'em loose and don't look back. Build a happy life with your husband and friends who truly care for you.
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Old 04-28-2008, 03:44 PM
Location: Bay Area
2,406 posts, read 7,411,521 times
Reputation: 1857
Your relatives are not always your family.

Surround yourselves with loved ones, and cut off all ties from your parents, IMO. Your dad is drinking and abusing drugs, your brother did what to you? How horrible and I am very sorry. You don't deserve such toxic people in your life....what happened will never change but you can change your future. They hurt you in your past, and you are allowing them to hurt you in the present. Take control, and stop giving them this power to hurt you any more...good luck
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Old 04-28-2008, 04:14 PM
Location: In a delirium
2,588 posts, read 5,166,905 times
Reputation: 1384
Hi. I am so sorry your family has caused you so much grief. It seems like you need to change as much of your contact information as possible - your husband should, too. So, phone numbers, emails, etc. But, go a step further. Get restraining orders against all of them. as the last poster said, you need to gain control. Don't let them stand in the way of your happiness. Best of luck to you!
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Old 04-28-2008, 04:24 PM
Location: Jonquil City (aka Smyrna) Georgia- by Atlanta
16,248 posts, read 22,906,367 times
Reputation: 3587
Really your husband needs to step up the plate here and tell them to "stay the f**k outta our lives and don't call here again!". I would if it were me and I would make damn sure they didn't. Also do you live in the same town? Consider moving elsewhere.
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Old 04-28-2008, 08:43 PM
Location: Denver
1,082 posts, read 4,481,814 times
Reputation: 554
You are completely justified in cutting off contact with them. It would be a good idea to continue some therapy or group support, however, as issues will arise as you hit new developmental stages. You should also go to the library and do a lot of reading on the topics, whether it be fictionalized accounts, nonfiction, science, whatever, as that can be therapeutic in a way that emotional therapy can't be sometimes.

Sadly, your parents have chosen you as the scapegoat (discuss the biblical story with your religious adviser) to absolve themselves of the guilt. That is why you are being made to feel guilty--that has been your role in the family. However, it is not your duty or obligation to figure it out for them. Just get on with your life.
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Old 04-28-2008, 11:29 PM
3,413 posts, read 6,767,674 times
Reputation: 1461
Tell your husband to read them the riot act. I'm suprised he hasn't already. Or did he want to and you stopped him? I like the restraining order idea. Also, are you mad yet? Have you ever gotten angry? There must be a lot of suppressed rage in you that you try to contain. Talk to your therapist first but I wonder it doesn't make you ill not being able to express it. I'm so mad just from reading your story I'm ready to beat the crap out of them.
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Old 04-28-2008, 11:42 PM
Location: Camberville
13,954 posts, read 18,856,717 times
Reputation: 24213
Oh honey, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Certainly get those people out of your life. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't believe you can get a restraining order unless you fear for your safety. That doesn't mean your parents know that though.

Not to make light of your abuse, but who molested your brother? 8 year olds don't just start molesting their sisters out of nowhere. From what you've said, it sounds like your parents really let him down too. That doesn't excuse what happened to you in the least.
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Old 04-29-2008, 10:39 AM
28,900 posts, read 50,235,343 times
Reputation: 46362
Are you from Evansville, Indiana? You sound a lot like a second cousin of my wife. She had the creepiest parents on the planet. In fact, the uncle was caught molesting his own children and the wife REFUSED to divorce him.

I told him that if ever came within a country mile of my daughter, I would cut off his testicles with a spoon I sharpened on the driveway.

Back to the topic at hand. I'm sorry you have such horrid parents. You really deserve better in life. Simply move and don't notify them of your forwarding address. Get an unlisted telephone number. If they write, put RETURN TO SENDER on the unopened envelope and put it right back in the mail. If they keep harassing you, get an attorney to write them a letter. You deserve peace in life. But to get it, you have to be strong.
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Old 04-29-2008, 11:01 AM
Location: In the real world!
2,178 posts, read 9,063,149 times
Reputation: 2826
They are very toxic, dysfunctional people and you DO NOT need them. The guilt, you can only carry if it is yours to carry.. It isn't yours so QUIT carrying it. They are shoving it on you and you accept it...WHY? It works for them because you accept it and that is why they keep shoving it on you. BREAK THAT HABIT! Besides, what are you suppose to be guilty of?

tink, that is the oldest trick in the book they are pulling on you. You ever heard the old saying, "The best defense it to attack"? They are constantly attacking YOU as a defense for what they have done to you and before you can say "You did ME wrong and I want to know why you have treated me like this all my life!"

They are dumping THEIR guilt on YOU so that they don't have to carry it. They are attacking YOU before you can attack them. They are manipulating you and have been for all your life and they do it because it WORKS! Only YOU can break that cycle of letting them manipulating you. Think back of all the things they have said/done to get the response from you that they want, quit playing their game. When you quit playing their game, it no longer benifits them so it isn't any fun and they will stop it. They know what buttons of yours to push to get the reaction they want. QUIT letting them push your buttons!!

As for involving your husband.. This is between you and them and he shouldn't be put into it except to support you. I would simply cut off any and all contact with them, no letter (why waste your time?), do not answer the phone or the door when you know it is them. Return any mail unopened. Cut them completely out of your life and get them out of your mind. They are not worthy of any of your time, thoughts or concern. Quit being their dog to kick so they can feel superior and giving them the satisfaction of having control over you. (that is what they are doing controlling you)
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