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Old 06-25-2020, 03:33 AM
 
Location: Washington State
22,450 posts, read 11,544,524 times
Reputation: 18759

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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/24/b...gtype=Homepage

Interesting article about various scenarios in which one is called upon to help family out with money during pandemic. In particular, the issue of giving money to a child who is in need, and it triggering resentment on the part of the others, especially if they see their sibling as having spent money frivolously, while they saved, and now the spender is coming for help.

A friend of mine had a brother, who got married young. The new wife saw the parents as a resource to be sucked dry, and continually approached the parents for financial help. The father was wise about it. He would say, "Of course we are happy to help you with 10K for the whatever. But to be fair, we will give our other son 10K too." Each time that the daughter in law went to the parents for financial help, they gave, but let her know that they were giving her brother in law the exact same amount of money (which he wasn't asking for), so that she would know that she was not diverting the inheritance to herself and her husband. Pretty soon, she quit asking them for money, since she realized that she was just enriching her brother in law.

The point is, if an adult child of normal ability is coming to the parents for financial assistance, and the parents have the means, they should give the same amount to each child, each time. Grasshopper free spending kid comes for 10K to pay the rent during the pandemic? Give 10K to each child, and make sure they all know that each child is getting the same gift. Of course, if there is a child with a disability, that child should have a trust made for them by the parents, so that the handicapped child doesn't wind up a drain on the siblings, assuming that the parents have the finances to do so.

The parent doesn't have the means to give each child an amount to match that being given to the child who comes begging? Then they really don't have the means to support that adult child, either.

We have 2 kids struggling during our still lockdown where we are in Washington state and other kid just bought a million dollar house and is doing very well during the pandemic. We told the ones we help that they either need to pay back what we gave them or we will put a note in our will to even up the one that didn't need it.
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Old 06-25-2020, 07:36 AM
 
Location: Massachusetts
11,239 posts, read 12,174,558 times
Reputation: 15537
That strategy is exactly what my parents have employed once or twice over the years. I'm one of 3 children all in our late 30's. At one point, one of my siblings went through a rough patch (which they have pulled through and are doing well today) and my parents offered money to all 3 of us as a way of making it equal. Myself and my other sibling refused it as we both have high-paying jobs and are financially sound.

That was the end of it. Hasn't becoming a recurring theme in our family and was certainly much appreciated by my sibling who needed it. I harbor no ill-feelings towards that sibling getting the money.
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Old 06-25-2020, 07:41 AM
 
6,932 posts, read 3,129,099 times
Reputation: 20992
Quote:
Originally Posted by BostonMike7 View Post
That strategy is exactly what my parents have employed once or twice over the years. I'm one of 3 children all in our late 30's. At one point, one of my siblings went through a rough patch (which they have pulled through and are doing well today) and my parents offered money to all 3 of us as a way of making it equal. Myself and my other sibling refused it as we both have high-paying jobs and are financially sound.

That was the end of it. Hasn't becoming a recurring theme in our family and was certainly much appreciated by my sibling who needed it. I harbor no ill-feelings towards that sibling getting the money.

Sounds like your parents raised you right, as we say down South.
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Old 06-25-2020, 10:01 AM
 
Location: CT
47 posts, read 10,975 times
Reputation: 129
Quote:
Originally Posted by MinivanDriver View Post
Sorry. This is terrible advice, doing nothing more than encouraging the children to keep score on who gives what. Or worse, it plays the children off against one another to nitpick the other's lifestyle.

What if one child is doing quite well for herself while the other child loses his job or goes through a wholesale, unavoidable disaster? These things happen, you know, even when both children are doing everything they're supposed to do.

Or what if one child has a terrible disease that prevents their working for a while even as the other child is able-bodied and self-sufficient? Are you going to stroke equal checks to the both of them in those circumstances?

In fact, if one of my children got into a serious jam because of a job loss (Those are quite common right now. Our three children are, fortunately, all employed and self sufficient) or some other disaster, you bet I'd help that child. And if my other two children actually whined and said, "Well, where's miiiinnnnnneee?" I'd tell them they were being petty and to put a sock in it.

The real sticking point of the scenario laid out is that the parents never taught their children self-sufficiency in the first place. When I first started out, I remember asking my parents for a loan precisely once for $166. And I paid them back. When my wife and I were first married and we got in a tight space, we did without. Because, again, we weren't raised with the notion that our parents were a Comstock Lode to be relentlessly mined until exhausted. With that in mind, the kids described in the article come off as complete, self-centered brats.

Yes, borrowing from the parents is a necessary course of action sometimes. But just because one sibling in distress does it, that doesn't mean you are automatically entitled to an equal sum as well.
Agreed. My spouse has a ne'er-do-well-sibling, and his parents are still supporting her in her 40s. I cannot imagine my spouse thinking he is somehow being slighted by not being given the same; he'd be embarrassed to take it, let alone need it.
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Old 06-25-2020, 10:04 AM
 
1,771 posts, read 1,074,446 times
Reputation: 6280
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tall Traveler View Post
We have 2 kids struggling during our still lockdown where we are in Washington state and other kid just bought a million dollar house and is doing very well during the pandemic. We told the ones we help that they either need to pay back what we gave them or we will put a note in our will to even up the one that didn't need it.
This is how my parents handle it, and how I will when my children grow up.
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Old 06-25-2020, 10:53 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
18,532 posts, read 19,357,018 times
Reputation: 46531
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tall Traveler View Post
We have 2 kids struggling during our still lockdown where we are in Washington state and other kid just bought a million dollar house and is doing very well during the pandemic. We told the ones we help that they either need to pay back what we gave them or we will put a note in our will to even up the one that didn't need it.
That is also a good way to handle it.
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Old 06-25-2020, 01:01 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
27,652 posts, read 20,640,898 times
Reputation: 33518
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Another excellent post by parentologist.

If a parent needs to give one adult child some money, IMHO, they need to give their other children, the same amount of money. To me that seems like the only fair thing to do.
People can be in dramatically different situations.

My uncle has two daughters, a 25 year old and a 20 year old. The 25 year old still has her job and her boyfriend is also working. The 20 year old and her girlfriend are both unemployed. The unemployed need the help more.
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Old 06-25-2020, 01:11 PM
 
1,062 posts, read 748,360 times
Reputation: 1823
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/24/b...gtype=Homepage

Interesting article about various scenarios in which one is called upon to help family out with money during pandemic. In particular, the issue of giving money to a child who is in need, and it triggering resentment on the part of the others, especially if they see their sibling as having spent money frivolously, while they saved, and now the spender is coming for help.

A friend of mine had a brother, who got married young. The new wife saw the parents as a resource to be sucked dry, and continually approached the parents for financial help. The father was wise about it. He would say, "Of course we are happy to help you with 10K for the whatever. But to be fair, we will give our other son 10K too." Each time that the daughter in law went to the parents for financial help, they gave, but let her know that they were giving her brother in law the exact same amount of money (which he wasn't asking for), so that she would know that she was not diverting the inheritance to herself and her husband. Pretty soon, she quit asking them for money, since she realized that she was just enriching her brother in law.

The point is, if an adult child of normal ability is coming to the parents for financial assistance, and the parents have the means, they should give the same amount to each child, each time. Grasshopper free spending kid comes for 10K to pay the rent during the pandemic? Give 10K to each child, and make sure they all know that each child is getting the same gift. Of course, if there is a child with a disability, that child should have a trust made for them by the parents, so that the handicapped child doesn't wind up a drain on the siblings, assuming that the parents have the finances to do so.

The parent doesn't have the means to give each child an amount to match that being given to the child who comes begging? Then they really don't have the means to support that adult child, either.
That's a very niche situation. I personally wouldn't take money from my parents that I didn't ask for or didn't need unless it was my birthday or other occasion. If they had a huge need to do what you're describing I'd ask them to put it in a trust for my kids.

If one has a kid that has become a leech in adulthood, the fault lies at least partially, on the parent. You created that monster, you should feed it. Otherwise society ends up having to. If you cannot afford to, then don't.

I don't get the family money games and the finger pointing and accusations of gouging the inheritance. Don't parents have to die for that? I'd rather mine lived forever.

Such a weird family dynamic. Personally i'd prefer if my parents helped my loser/ struggling/whatever sibling IF THEY COULD so I don't have to. I'd appreciate that effort very much and would harbor no ill feeling toward the sibling especially if they NEED the help.

What is wrong with people?
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Old 06-25-2020, 01:52 PM
 
Location: Raleigh
9,705 posts, read 7,315,380 times
Reputation: 13679
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Another excellent post by parentologist.

If a parent needs to give one adult child some money, IMHO, they need to give their other children, the same amount of money. To me that seems like the only fair thing to do.
I don't understand that mentality. It's my money and I'll give it to whom I see fit. Rodd's finances aren't any of Todd's business. And it certainly isn't any of Todd's business who Father Ned gives his money to.
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Old 06-25-2020, 01:59 PM
 
9,715 posts, read 3,662,371 times
Reputation: 22300
We've helped out all our kids from time to time. Our prerogative to do so.


We don't make a big announcement about it. If J needs money and asks, we help out. If B needs money, we help out. If T needs money, we help out.


It's OUR money, and we will share our largesse as we see fit. We don't make big announcements about it.
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