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Old 06-25-2020, 02:59 PM
 
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We handle things like Sassy.
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Old 06-25-2020, 04:13 PM
 
Location: Howard County, Maryland
7,266 posts, read 4,414,980 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
Pretty soon, she quit asking them for money, since she realized that she was just enriching her brother in law.
So she was not only greedy, she was also selfish. And she was stupid, because she'd rather stop getting money herself than see her brother-in-law get the same amount.

Personally, I don't like that system. It effectively drains the parents of however much money the needy child is asking for, times however many other kids they have. This is a surefire way to lead the parents into the poorhouse, sooner rather than later.

Let's assume for the moment that all of the kids are being responsible and doing the right things, yet one of them suffers hardship through no fault of their own, while the others are still doing well. If the parent wishes to give money to any of their kids, it should go to the one who needs it. Who knows? Maybe one of the other non-greedy siblings might need money at some point in the future, and won't they be glad that their parents would be able to provide it? Or, they may never need the money, and they can be grateful for their good fortune and responsible habits.

Now, if one of the kids is a mooch, then the parents should say that they'll give them the money, but that they get to control ALL of their spending until it's paid back. That means, the parents get to decide which frivolous luxuries the kid gets to have (hint: none of them) and which ones they don't. If the kid doesn't want their life micromanaged like that, then they don't get any money from mom and dad.
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Old 06-25-2020, 09:06 PM
 
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
10,790 posts, read 9,477,886 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/24/b...gtype=Homepage




The parent doesn't have the means to give each child an amount to match that being given to the child who comes begging? Then they really don't have the means to support that adult child, either.
,

Horrible advice.

One of my kids has a debilitating, uncommon, chronic situation that we are happy to help out with which is about $75,000 a quarter for non insurable care.

Her siblings don't need that kind of money from us.

My other stepdaughter is in the process of buying a home and we've given her money but not in that amount because she doesn't need it.

The third we've never given money to because he doesn't need it.

I would never hand out money to my kids just because we were giving out money to another sibling.
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Old 06-25-2020, 11:33 PM
 
416 posts, read 167,879 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/24/b...gtype=Homepage

Interesting article about various scenarios in which one is called upon to help family out with money during pandemic. In particular, the issue of giving money to a child who is in need, and it triggering resentment on the part of the others, especially if they see their sibling as having spent money frivolously, while they saved, and now the spender is coming for help.

A friend of mine had a brother, who got married young. The new wife saw the parents as a resource to be sucked dry, and continually approached the parents for financial help. The father was wise about it. He would say, "Of course we are happy to help you with 10K for the whatever. But to be fair, we will give our other son 10K too." Each time that the daughter in law went to the parents for financial help, they gave, but let her know that they were giving her brother in law the exact same amount of money (which he wasn't asking for), so that she would know that she was not diverting the inheritance to herself and her husband. Pretty soon, she quit asking them for money, since she realized that she was just enriching her brother in law.

The point is, if an adult child of normal ability is coming to the parents for financial assistance, and the parents have the means, they should give the same amount to each child, each time. Grasshopper free spending kid comes for 10K to pay the rent during the pandemic? Give 10K to each child, and make sure they all know that each child is getting the same gift. Of course, if there is a child with a disability, that child should have a trust made for them by the parents, so that the handicapped child doesn't wind up a drain on the siblings, assuming that the parents have the finances to do so.

The parent doesn't have the means to give each child an amount to match that being given to the child who comes begging? Then they really don't have the means to support that adult child, either.
Just don't give money to people who are constantly asking for it. Simple.

Any family member that asks me for money gets nothing.
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Old Yesterday, 09:50 AM
 
1,456 posts, read 427,960 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/24/b...gtype=Homepage

The point is, if an adult child of normal ability is coming to the parents for financial assistance, and the parents have the means, they should give the same amount to each child, each time. Grasshopper free spending kid comes for 10K to pay the rent during the pandemic? Give 10K to each child, and make sure they all know that each child is getting the same gift. Of course, if there is a child with a disability, that child should have a trust made for them by the parents, so that the handicapped child doesn't wind up a drain on the siblings, assuming that the parents have the finances to do so.

The parent doesn't have the means to give each child an amount to match that being given to the child who comes begging? Then they really don't have the means to support that adult child, either.
1) Well, one of the biggest lessons my parents tried to impart on me growing up is "life ain't fair." Pretty sure that's exactly the phrase they'd use if I went complaining that they were giving my brother money but not me.

2) It's the parents' money to do with exactly as they see fit both during their life and in their will.

3) If I needed to ask my parents for money, why would my parents talk to my brother about that? Why would I talk to my brother about that? It's nobody else's business, family or no.
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Old Yesterday, 10:03 AM
 
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Plus...10K for this sibling, so I have to give 10K to ALL the siblings?? Ummm....that's a lot of dough. I'm thinking most people don't even HAVE that kind of money to be playing those kind of games.
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Old Yesterday, 11:49 AM
 
Location: Glen Burnie, Maryland
1,486 posts, read 3,659,773 times
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Boy, I'm sure glad both my kids make a lot more money than I do. We'd all be in the poor house together if they had to rely on me for financial support, especially if I had to dole it out to both just to be "fair."

Honestly, I find the whole concept in the OP to be a little ridiculous. And we wonder why everyone has entitlement issues.
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Old Yesterday, 12:09 PM
 
Location: Denver CO
22,121 posts, read 13,468,367 times
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I think it really depends on the specifics. Something like a out of their control emergency, such as a job loss to pandemic shutdowns, would be very different to me than someone who always has their hand out during normal times because they want to live a lifestyle that they can't afford.

In a real emergency, I would give money to a child who was in true need and be grateful that my other kid(s) were not in need.

But for the example in the OP, then I would go ahead and start giving even handedly as an early distribution of an inheritance. I actually know many families where the parents routinely give each adult child the gift tax exclusion amount each year, and yes, it goes to each child regardless of their financial circumstances, just like the eventual inheritance will be evenly divided.

And of course, this only applies when it's not a financial hardship for the parent(s) and won't jeopardize their financial status.
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Old Yesterday, 12:22 PM
 
1,459 posts, read 459,430 times
Reputation: 3977
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/24/b...gtype=Homepage

Interesting article about various scenarios in which one is called upon to help family out with money during pandemic. In particular, the issue of giving money to a child who is in need, and it triggering resentment on the part of the others, especially if they see their sibling as having spent money frivolously, while they saved, and now the spender is coming for help.

A friend of mine had a brother, who got married young. The new wife saw the parents as a resource to be sucked dry, and continually approached the parents for financial help. The father was wise about it. He would say, "Of course we are happy to help you with 10K for the whatever. But to be fair, we will give our other son 10K too." Each time that the daughter in law went to the parents for financial help, they gave, but let her know that they were giving her brother in law the exact same amount of money (which he wasn't asking for), so that she would know that she was not diverting the inheritance to herself and her husband. Pretty soon, she quit asking them for money, since she realized that she was just enriching her brother in law.

The point is, if an adult child of normal ability is coming to the parents for financial assistance, and the parents have the means, they should give the same amount to each child, each time. Grasshopper free spending kid comes for 10K to pay the rent during the pandemic? Give 10K to each child, and make sure they all know that each child is getting the same gift. Of course, if there is a child with a disability, that child should have a trust made for them by the parents, so that the handicapped child doesn't wind up a drain on the siblings, assuming that the parents have the finances to do so.

The parent doesn't have the means to give each child an amount to match that being given to the child who comes begging? Then they really don't have the means to support that adult child, either.
In your example, what stands out to me is that the *daughter-in-law* rather than her husband was the one constantly hitting her in-laws up for money.

Barring extenuating circumstances like addiction or gambling on the part of the blood-related spouse that might have left the other spouse (and perhaps children) homeless and starving, what spouse would allow the other to beg for money from his or her parents like that even once, let alone multiple times?
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Old Yesterday, 03:15 PM
 
9,715 posts, read 3,662,371 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
And what about the child who saves, doesn't take expensive vacations, doesn't drive expensive cars, lives within his means, and builds up an emergency fund? Vs the child who lives well beyond his means, with credit card debt, leases expensive cars, spends freely on himself, and is teetering on the edge of financial disaster even in good times, who goes running to the parents whenever he gets in a financial bind?

My point is that helping family out financially is tricky. Parents should plan for their children with disabilities, to reduce the financial burden on the able siblings, who will be left with the responsibility of caring for their disabled sibling. Beyond that, it seems right to me that when adult children require financial help from a parent, if it is within the means of the parent to help, they should give equally to all the children. And if they cannot do that, they're probably endangering their own financial stability to help the one child financially.

As for the concept of lending to the child, rather than giving outright - this is even worse. The siblings could be left with the notion that the spendthrift child owes them money when the parent passes away, because of course the spendthrift kid is never going to pay anything back. In fact, the parent may be putting themselves in a position of needing to go to the financially stable children for support, as a result of the gifts/loans that they made to the financially unstable child.

It's complicated. But for peace in the family, and to prevent resentment, it's probably best for parents of means, when one adult child asks for financial help, to give equally to all the children.

I'm sorry, but this just doesn't make sense. IF I've got a kid who needs 10K (you're example) it's a hella lot of money to turn around and give the other siblings 10K just because. And...what am I missing, that it's a good idea to give the same amount to the other siblings? I will give help to the person who needs help, provided it's within my means. And hopefully, it'll ALWAYS be within my means, if one of my kids needs help.
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