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Old Yesterday, 03:31 PM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
12,039 posts, read 15,642,436 times
Reputation: 28714

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Quote:
Originally Posted by MinivanDriver View Post
Then that's between parent and child.

The situation might not be ideal, but your prescription is far, far worse for a host of reasons.

First of all, it creates a situation where the other kids are incentivized to mentally slice and dice the financial life of the offspring in question. Now with every purchase, every decision the child in question makes, he has to run the gauntlet of the entire family. What's more, the standards are pretty arbitrary based on the whim of whoever is doing the scrutiny.

Further, if the child is struggling, it only creates a sense of insecurity and a potential blow to his self-esteem. Maybe he doesn't want his financial struggles played out for all the family to see. Instead, under the scenario you propose, every financial problem the child in question is played out for all the family to see.

Even then, who's to say what is profligate spending and what is not? I mean down to what molecular level does a child's finances get scrutinized? That's the kind of Us vs Him, a piling on that you're opening the door to.

At the same time, it creates a situation where the kids are getting into the parent's financial business, which is absolutely insane.

What's more, when it means the parent has to give matching gifts to all the children, no matter what, the parents are potentially bled dry for no other reason than to fulfill some arbitrary standard of what is fair and what is not. Basically fulfilling the whim of grasping children who dictate to the parents out of pique.

I mean, if you can't see what a toxic family environment your notion could create, I just don't know what to tell you.

Money doesn't destroy families. Greed destroys families, especially when it is incessantly bobbing to the surface of all family dynamics.
If giving equal gifts to all the children creates that sort of drama, the environment is already toxic, the parents don't create it with their gifting.
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Old Yesterday, 04:30 PM
 
14,736 posts, read 14,559,871 times
Reputation: 10406
i recall as a young married person that my parents helped my older brother out financially in a significant way with graduate school, and helping him buy his first home. they made a point of telling me that they were NOT helping me in a similar way because i had married and "did not need the financial help." i remember thinking two things: one that it made sense, it was true i did not need the financial help; and two why are they telling me this at all.

Then fast forward 15 years. i was divorced with three young children, had re-entered the work force after being a stay at home mom, enrolled in a vocational program, and was working from home, struggling with a difficult situation. Never once did i ask for financial help and none was forthcoming from my parents. I thought back to what they had said and their reasoning about helping my brother because there was at the time financial need on his part and none on mine. The tables had now turned. He was very well off, high salary as an attorney. And I had financial need. At one point i was struggling with the house payment and they contacted me. i came right out and asked for a very small loan. they made a big deal about saying of course they would not loan me money i should not even ask and furthermore they were removing themselves as co-signer on my house. it was a huge slap in the face. because of course it was never about financial need on my brother's part at all, the whole time all along it was about pointedly letting me know that they were helping him and had no intention of helping me. and they wanted me to know that. never again did i ever ask them for anything. ever.

of course it is their money and they can do whatever they want. i don't get to tell them what to do with their money. but dont hide behind the lie of generosity helping a kid in need when its only helping one kid and not the other. money was used in such a toxic way in that family. my mother also went on to tell me, again out of pure vindictiveness, for no reason other than to hurt, not only THAT my brother was the favorite child, but she listed the reasons WHY he was the favorite child. she also on more than one occasion made a point to tell me that there would be no inheritance for me at all it would of course all go to him. I kept thinking how deliberately hurtful these kinds of statements were. That is toxic.
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Old Yesterday, 05:47 PM
 
Location: Howard County, Maryland
7,266 posts, read 4,414,980 times
Reputation: 19518
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tzaphkiel View Post
money was used in such a toxic way in that family. my mother also went on to tell me, again out of pure vindictiveness, for no reason other than to hurt, not only THAT my brother was the favorite child, but she listed the reasons WHY he was the favorite child. she also on more than one occasion made a point to tell me that there would be no inheritance for me at all it would of course all go to him. I kept thinking how deliberately hurtful these kinds of statements were. That is toxic.
Your phone has the ability to block certain numbers. I would make use of that feature. Permanently.
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Old Today, 07:21 AM
 
14,736 posts, read 14,559,871 times
Reputation: 10406
Quote:
Originally Posted by bus man View Post
Your phone has the ability to block certain numbers. I would make use of that feature. Permanently.
exactly. i did just that. it was one of the (many) reasons i removed myself from being in contact. It was a very healthy decision on my part.
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Old Today, 10:15 AM
 
12,825 posts, read 21,493,573 times
Reputation: 21784
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tall Traveler View Post
We have 2 kids struggling during our still lockdown where we are in Washington state and other kid just bought a million dollar house and is doing very well during the pandemic. We told the ones we help that they either need to pay back what we gave them or we will put a note in our will to even up the one that didn't need it.
I think that’s a better way to do it. I knew of someone who did something similar, but they did not make it clear to their children that they were doing it. And the one child was very much a money Hoover, and used the parents like an ATM. When the last remaining parent died and the will was read, instead of getting three equal shares, the estate was split as if the spendthrift child was using the inheritance to pay back the estate.

I’m not sure I am against that, but the one thing I’ve seen parents do is they don’t communicate this to their children. The fact the spendthrift child just keeps getting money handouts causes issues in the first place, but then to not make it clear that at the end she spending her inheritance, it just causes all sorts of problems. The person I know who told me the story has no communication with the spendthrift sister at all - they wrote her off, she wrote them off.

Also, the way the OP stated this, it didn’t appear as if the spendthrift child had money trouble, my impression was that the child was greedy. As evidenced by the fact that it stopped, when every child got the same gift. We all know people who the second they find out that you have a bit of money are doing their level best to get it away from you.
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