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A survey given to first year female college students revealed that one in four women who had older brothers were molested by their older brothers. Basically, where there was opportunity (older brother/younger sister), the incidence was one in four - and that doesn't include the ones who had blocked it out, and didn't reveal it. Unfortunately, it's horses, not zebras, guys - you just don't know it. And that doesn't even include uncles, friends of the family, father of the kids you babysit, and even a girl's own father. As I said, common things happen commonly - it is most definitely NOT a zebra, a young girl being molested.
If there are NO men or older boys who ever have access to her, AND she tells you that no one is molesting her, then you're probably right. And of course there are many other reasons for depression - hormonal, runs in the family, cyber-bullying, social isolation, physical inactivity, you name it. Get her off the computer/phone, out for long walks in sunlight with you, get her cooking/baking, play games together, anything to get her out of the room and amused and happy. If you can get her in with a therapist, even if it's teletherapy, do so.
My first worry would be if she's being bullied online. 12 to 14 yrs old is rampant for bullying, so if she has a computer or a smart phone, that's what I would wonder about.
But...it's not at all unusual at that age, for girls to get all moody and want to spend time alone in their rooms. I was one of those girls. But I always knew my parents loved me, and that "there's no place like home", and that my home and my family were my refuge.
I would suggest exploring hobbies with her, and shop online, like Amazon or something. Maybe she can learn to crochet, or knit, or play guitar...maybe encourage her to explore that thought, and offer to purchase said items. Thus, she'll know you're concerned for her, you love her, and you are trying to reach out to her.
Agree, it's very possible she's being bullied online. You're right that girls get moody at that age. Who knows, if they start tracking those moody days, it will probably fall in line with her monthly cycle if she doesn't have one yet.
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Originally Posted by Formerly Known As Twenty
Did you have sisters, O.P.? Her behavior seems somewhat normal from what I remember of my own and my sister's teenaged years. Never seemed as though there was time alone to put thoughts, ideas, dreams, and feelings together; to create and emote. Highs and lows, laughter and tears...Couldn't pay me to be that age again!
I was often a bit of a "blue" teenager--especially once my cycle began. The advice you're getting here is pretty solid. Make her know that she's loved and supported (even when she's being a pain or you feel like she's unreachable). Make sure that she eats well and gets some exercise and sunshine. Give her space to just "be" sometimes, while also encouraging her to participate in family activities such a trip where you can do outside activities together, game night, cooking together, etc.
All of this aside, if you and your wife happen to notice her moods and withdrawn behavior worsening, that's the time that you might need to seek out a counselor. I saw one when I was her age. The coping tools that I learned from her really helped me to navigate young adult and womanhood. It was also nice to have someone to talk to who was a few degrees removed from both family and friends--a safe space, so to speak.
That's what I'm wondering, if the moodiness is tied to her cycle.
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Originally Posted by anavar
Thanks for all the answers.
It is very helpful to focus our thoughts and come up with a strategy.
One think I know for sure is she is not getting molested.
However cyber bullying is a possibility.
Bullying happens to a lot of people, it wouldn't surprise me if she was being bullied.
Have your wife pick up a pocket sized date book. Walmart has them for about $2. Keep track of her moody days; it also won't hurt to note something on every day to see if there is a rhythm to it. If she hasn't had her period yet, you may find that it ties to her period when she starts.
I wish I would have done this with my daughter 15 years ago.
Question... HOW MUCH TIME DOES SHE SPEND USING "SOCIAL MEDIA" ??????? I know she has a cell phone/that can text....When was the last time you "checked" her phone to see her "contacts"? If she will not let you see her phone THIS IS A BIG RED FLAG.....
My daughter is 12 years old. Her behavior is worrying us
1. She only comes out of her room to eat
2. When we speak to her she gives one word answers
3. She get annoyed when we ask her to come downstairs to have a snack
4. She seems withdrawn and sad
Because of the pandemic there is very little activities we can do. Wife tried baking cookies kind of stuff with her and although initially she participated she refuses now. What should we do?
You need to have an intervention with her immediately.
For contrast, my 12 year old daughter has no social media or internet, a sunny disposition, plays with her siblings every day, reads (we make sure she always has a book to read from the library etc.), writes and helps around the house without issue. She also has a schedule and takes Zoom classes during summer, 5 days a week. Is she a touch hormonal every now and then and a bit quiet, occasionally snippy, sure - normal - but doesn't last.
Do not let anyone tell you this is normal. it is not. She is clinically depressed and in trouble. Take away the internet/phone.
My daughter is 12 years old. Her behavior is worrying us
1. She only comes out of her room to eat
2. When we speak to her she gives one word answers
3. She get annoyed when we ask her to come downstairs to have a snack
4. She seems withdrawn and sad
Because of the pandemic there is very little activities we can do. Wife tried baking cookies kind of stuff with her and although initially she participated she refuses now. What should we do?
As a parent of a tween girl, I feel your concern. They tend to be more moody at this age. My kid was like that before the pandemic. I was concerned, and tried to find a way to fix it. I read tons of books how to deal with tween girls, grew more gray hairs over it.
One good thing about the pandemic that I have been able to work from home, so my kid can sleep in. She probably sleeps an average of 11 to 12 hours a night, wakes up refreshed everyday. She also gets to eat more nutritious foods (homemade, mostly organic) compared to school fast foods. She's less stressed, and only hang out (via playing games and phone/texts) her closest friends who are good, sweet kids. She doesn't have the peer pressures (from her soccer teammates who tend to be a bit rude). She's happy to have more of my attention (working from home). I make sure she's doing something active for at least 30' everyday, but allow her to have her own time (playing games with her friends interactively). I don't let my kid to have social medias because kids easily get bully that way. I seem to get my sweet, chatty little girl back, and I'm very happy about that.
In short, just make sure she has enough sleep by setting a time limit for her to go to bed, and let her sleeping in. Make sure she eats healthy and be active. Encouraging her to keep up with a few close friends or cousins to have a active social life. Spend more time with her, listen to her. Don't nag at her too much. Keep an eye on whom she's being friends with. It's a stressful time for her with all the physical and emotional changes. Be patient and don't worry too much, enjoy being with her, and hopefully, you'll get your sweet little girl back.
My daughter is 12 years old. Her behavior is worrying us
1. She only comes out of her room to eat
2. When we speak to her she gives one word answers
3. She get annoyed when we ask her to come downstairs to have a snack
4. She seems withdrawn and sad
Because of the pandemic there is very little activities we can do. Wife tried baking cookies kind of stuff with her and although initially she participated she refuses now. What should we do?
Sounds A LOT like my oldest daughter who is 13 now. She was depressed, over moving and losing contact with friends etc she went and saw a therapist and she was put on medication to deal with her depression/bipolar. It helps a TON.
Sorry, when I did the research almost a decade ago, it was depressing as hell to find out how extremely common it was. I do NOT want to go down that rabbit hole again. But go ahead, do the research online yourself, and you'll find it.
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