to those struggling with infertility: what words of comfort helped you the most? (babies, pills)
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I was never not able to get pregnant but I didn’t have my first until I was almost 35. I spent years being single wondering and worrying that I’d never have kids and it was something that I really wanted. It was painful. I did worry that I’d be too old by the time I Met someone. Even when we went to try I assumed I’d have a hard time getting pregnant. I was wrong. But my point is that I’d vent to people that I’d never have a family because I had no one to have them with. I’d hear stories of infertile people and I’d think well at least they have each other. I guess there’s little you can say to someone who wants something that they’d hope they’d always had. I’d be very upset if I couldn’t get pregnant. Fertility is so strange. Some people get pregnant at the drop of a hat others try for years.
I have to say that it seems like ivf works for most people I know who’ve tried it. It seems like anyone who isn’t pregnant within 6 months turns to ivf. I’m suprised by how many I know who have used it and one person was as young as 27. I guess it’s a blessing to have ivf around. I know many older couples who are childless because ivf was never an option for them.
My husband and I are childless, not by choice initially, but eventually we made peace with the situation and made it our choice to continue to be childless.
There was nothing that anyone could have said to soothe my sorrow when I was going through this painful period 15 years ago. I cried buckets privately because I just couldn't face the myriad of superficial (to me) sympathies from people. I'm sure those people meant well, but they were meaningless to me.
Time will eventually soften the pain for her, as it did for us. In the meantime, just be there for her and don't spout all that nonsense people say without thought. A simple hug will mean a lot more. Or take her out to do things she likes to do (although with Covid19 the choices are probably limited).
That is not blunt. It's callous and arrogant - as if you know what's best for her.
Glad you're not my friend.
Wow this person got a lot of flack for this. I think their point was that there is life outside of having children. People want for lots of things that they might never have.
Wow this person got a lot of flack for this. I think their point was that there is life outside of having children. People want for lots of things that they might never have.
That may be true, but the OP’s friend has to realize that in her own time. It’s like grief, which has no timeline and everyone handles it differently. The ‘blunt advise’ is an utter dismissal of what she’s going through.
It must be awful wanting a baby and not being able to have one. I won’t underestimate that hurt at all. I’m not sure what I’d say to someone struggling. My dads cousin couldn’t have kids and she was a member of a large family where everyone had lots of kids. She had been with her husband a while, he was a lawyer, she had a good job also but they just couldn’t have kids. She acted bitter and hurt to the other mothers. I guess I can’t blame her. They ended up adopted a baby who has grown into a beautiful delightful woman. She was always a beautiful smart kid. They got very lucky with her. She now has two kids and they all seem very happy.
Having been through it, yes, it is extremely painful. Especially when you see so many people conceiving with no problems and you are struggling and going through difficult and sometimes painful procedures and surgeries.
You are a wonderful friend. Just be there for her and listen. Hugs can be good, too.
As someone who has been dealing with infertility for past 4 years and who did not even share her miscarriage news with her own family, it is tough journey & extremly dificult to open up. Maybe its my pride that I rahter people think, I don't want any children vs. people to feel sorry for me for trying and failing. So I appreciate when I meet friends/family & they don't bring up the topic of children and my struggle. But rather see me as human who has hobbies & families to talk about.
I appreciate when they ask me about those other aspect of my life & make me feel normal instead of defining me to the struggle I have. I appreciate when the newly mother don't make our conversation entirely about "raising kids' & rather save that conversation for the next friend who understand the struggle of raising too many kids. Offer to talk about her strugle should she like. If she opens up then ask about the process and option. It is nice to be able to discuss path forward & options with someone other than spouse. But if she choose not to talk about it, then make her feel worthy by talking about other aspect of her life.
Adoption can be difficult and take a very long time. Some people have to wait for years to adopt a child, as well as spend thousands and thousands of dollars. It's not that easy to "just adopt".
Correct. "Just adopt" is never the advice an infertile person wants to hear from an outsider.
It's a choice, for some couples to make. Not advice from a friend or an aquaintence.
Correct. "Just adopt" is never the advice an infertile person wants to hear from an outsider.
It's a choice, for some couples to make. Not advice from a friend or an aquaintence.
The best thing is to be like Job's friends. Just listen. Be there.
But they do need to understand that adoption is an option.
We went through the whole bit. And now I can't imagine it being any other way than with our two adopted children.
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