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Hi,
I’d like some advice on maintaining inner peace and happiness when your outward life is ****ty and hopeless and no way to change it. My oldest son, who is 10, has been diagnosed with adhd, odd, and spd. He’s a very difficult child to raise and always has been. From early morning until night he is loud, rude, aggressive, sneaky, Confrontational, messy etc. I have homeschooled him since Pre- Kindergarten because he is a smart boy and I knew he would be unable to focus at school. I’ve spent every night since I can remember thinking of ways to fix him and improve our situation. At this point, I feel all my efforts will be in vain. His personality and ethics everything is like his fathers. His father and I split up when my son was two because of how confrontational and selfish he was (father). I am happily married now and we have another son who is 5 together. My youngest is an angel and my husband and I get along great. On top of the stress of raising my oldest I take care of my father in law who has dementia and is disabled and incontinent. Caring for him wouldn’t be such a drain if he wasn’t so negative and such a grump. I am very unhappy and need help maintaining inner peace and happiness. Any suggestions?
Hi,
I’d like some advice on maintaining inner peace and happiness when your outward life is ****ty and hopeless and no way to change it. My oldest son, who is 10, has been diagnosed with adhd, odd, and spd. He’s a very difficult child to raise and always has been. From early morning until night he is loud, rude, aggressive, sneaky, Confrontational, messy etc. I have homeschooled him since Pre- Kindergarten because he is a smart boy and I knew he would be unable to focus at school. I’ve spent every night since I can remember thinking of ways to fix him and improve our situation. At this point, I feel all my efforts will be in vain. His personality and ethics everything is like his fathers. His father and I split up when my son was two because of how confrontational and selfish he was (father). I am happily married now and we have another son who is 5 together. My youngest is an angel and my husband and I get along great. On top of the stress of raising my oldest I take care of my father in law who has dementia and is disabled and incontinent. Caring for him wouldn’t be such a drain if he wasn’t so negative and such a grump. I am very unhappy and need help maintaining inner peace and happiness. Any suggestions?
I suggest a good Sativa so you don’t get too sleepy during the day.
Yes weed, I’m suggesting weed. Take a mom break in the garage and light up a bowl.
Try putting your 10-year-old in school if you haven't already. Stick with it for a few years. He might respond better to external dispassionate 3rd-party authority than your constant disapproving presence. Also, having him out of the house for six hours a day should help relieve some of the burden on you.
Tell your husband that you are unhappy caring for his father. Offload some of that work on him, a nurse/helper/relative, or an institution.
If you can't or won't change either of the things making you unhappy, then try changing your outlook by taking a trip to India, Kenya, or somewhere with extreme poverty and see what true suffering and struggle looks like.
I suggest a good Sativa so you don’t get too sleepy during the day.
Yes weed, I’m suggesting weed. Take a mom break in the garage and light up a bowl.
Ha! I’m not even supposed to drink coffee as it could cause irritability and I need to be on my A game every morning.
1) For your mental health and the health of your family, you deserve to have a regular break from caregiving. It also may be better for your son to have new experiences, to have a break from you (no matter how much you love each other) so that you two aren't butting heads 24/7. Let the school handle the education piece M-F 8-4. You and his stepdad can take evenings and weekends. You really don't have to do it all.
2) In the same way that you posted that you're feeling trapped and depressed, I have to wonder if your son might feel a little bit the same way and if school might be a positive thing for his mental health? You are trapped in a house all day every day with a 10-year-old with serious behavioral issues and an elderly man with dementia and incontinence. But your son is also trapped in that house, with little contact except for you and his grandfather with dementia. I'm guessing with his extreme behavioral issues and the demands of caregiving, there aren't a lot of playdates with peers. So I would think going to school and being around peers could be a very healthy thing. And even if at first he balked because the transition was hard (this would be so, so new for him), I think it might be a very good thing. For him and for you.
Also, you listed all the things he's been diagnosed with. Is he being treated currently and to the fullest degree possible for these conditions by medical professionals? While these are hard things to live with, there are ways to make them more manageable.
After you do that, I think you should talk to your husband about getting respite care for his father if he's not willing to put him into a memory care facility. Does your husband have family in the area? Can your husband call and set up a schedule where people take shifts every week staying with him for a few hours so that you can relax, go out, or do whatever you'd like to do? If there is no family in the area, can someone be hired?
1) For your mental health and the health of your family, you deserve to have a regular break from caregiving. It also may be better for your son to have new experiences, to have a break from you (no matter how much you love each other) so that you two aren't butting heads 24/7. Let the school handle the education piece M-F 8-4. You and his stepdad can take evenings and weekends. You really don't have to do it all.
2) In the same way that you posted that you're feeling trapped and depressed, I have to wonder if your son might feel a little bit the same way and if school might be a positive thing for his mental health? You are trapped in a house all day every day with a 10-year-old with serious behavioral issues and an elderly man with dementia and incontinence. But your son is also trapped in that house, with little contact except for you and his grandfather with dementia. I'm guessing with his extreme behavioral issues and the demands of caregiving, there aren't a lot of playdates with peers. So I would think going to school and being around peers could be a very healthy thing. And even if at first he balked because the transition was hard (this would be so, so new for him), I think it might be a very good thing. For him and for you.
Also, you listed all the things he's been diagnosed with. Is he being treated currently and to the fullest degree possible for these conditions by medical professionals? While these are hard things to live with, there are ways to make them more manageable.
After you do that, I think you should talk to your husband about getting respite care for his father if he's not willing to put him into a memory care facility. Does your husband have family in the area? Can your husband call and set up a schedule where people take shifts every week staying with him for a few hours so that you can relax, go out, or do whatever you'd like to do? If there is no family in the area, can someone be hired?
Great points.
Your local Alzheimer's Association will have classes and programs that can help with caregiving. I suggest that both you and your husband attend their three class program "Understanding Dementia". They also have caregiver support groups. I am not sure what is happening during this pandemic but you can call and ask.
As a full time caregiver you really need time for yourself away from all responsibilities. I hope that your husband is doing his fair share of the caregiving, both for his son and his father, evenings and weekends. If Hubby can't take responsibility for full days on Saturday and/or Sunday he should at least be loving and responsible enough to give you three or four or five hour breaks on the weekends so that you can leave the house to "recharge your batteries". It is very likely that your husband does not realize how difficult it is for you to home school a child with disabilities, as well as care for an elderly person with dementia. If it wouldn't be for the pandemic, I would suggest going on a weekend trip to visit a relative or a close friend, and leaving your husband in charge of his son and father. It would be good for both of you.
I was the fulltime caregiver for my late husband (with dementia and a traumatic brain injury) and it almost literally killed me. I neglected my own health and my own medical issues while focusing on him and ended up with Stage IV Cancer as well as other serious health problems. Don't let that happen to you.
Last edited by germaine2626; 09-16-2020 at 10:23 AM..
I have homeschooled him since Pre- Kindergarten because he is a smart boy and I knew he would be unable to focus at school.
Talk to his doctor to see if he recommends enrolling him in a SPED program at school.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Libertariansmovingtoidaho
I’ve spent every night since I can remember thinking of ways to fix him and improve our situation.
This phrase makes me sad. Your son is not broken.
Talk to his doctor, a psychologist or psychiatrist, a counselor on how to improve his and your quality of life. How to help him. Not how to fix him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Libertariansmovingtoidaho
His personality and ethics everything is like his fathers. His father and I split up when my son was two because of how confrontational and selfish he was (father).
Stop comparing him to his father who you hold in low regard. Some traits may be inherited but you and your husband have had and continue to have the most influence on him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Libertariansmovingtoidaho
I am happily married now and we have another son who is 5 together. My youngest is an angel and my husband and I get along great.
Don't do this. It's damaging to your son's self esteem. It's damaging to the sibling relationship. It comes across that you love your youngest more than your oldest and your oldest could be sensing that as well.
You have a special needs child which does make life more difficult. Have you tried counseling? Therapy? A support group?
Is getting outside help for your father-in-law an option?
First thing: put your 10-year-old in school. .......
OP has just rented a house in a very small town in Idaho. There isn't going to be any specialized schooling for her special needs child.
She was advised of that but claimed it didn't make any difference because she home schools. So, she has pretty much closed that option for herself.
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