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My daughter 11 has always been a difficult eater even when she was a baby and would never have the vegetables that we placed on her plate. She got a bit better after she turned 6 but still never liked eating the vegetables that we cooked. We managed to get her to eat them by rewarding her additional privileges such as playing games for an additional 15 minutes at night or an extra piece of desert. This has worked awesomely for our other 2 kids, but not for her.
Ever since she turned 10 she has started pushing back again against eating the vegetables and would leave them untouched on the plate. We couldn't convince her to do it no mater what we tried. She is extremely intelligent and always found loop holes in our agreements to get out of eating healthy. Now that she is 11 she is absolutely refusing to eat the vegetables and we have found chocolate that she's snuck into the house. This is against our no treats until she has at least some of everything from her plate, including the vegetables. We do not force our kids to finish their food if they are not hungry.
My husband has been at work for the past week (2 weeks off 2 weeks on) and I was nearing my wits end with my her ignoring my request to eat here vegetables and instead would sneak candies/chocolate on the side. I told her that she had to have at least some of everything on her plate or else I would take away her phone. This lead to a mini fight,she gave me her phone and left to go into the kitchen. She came back 45 seconds later with a smirk on her face. She sat down and defiantly asked if I wanted her to eat everything on the plate. I thought I maybe gotten through to her and of course agreed with her statement. Before I even realized what was happening she dropped my engagement and wedding ring (I left them next to the kitchen sink in a jar) into the mashed potatoes, took a big scoop and swallowed. She then asked if I still wanted her to eat everything on the plate. My wedding ring was still there but not my engagement ring.
I'm not proud to say this but I thought of hitting her. I instead yelled at her to spit it but she opened her mouth and it was empty. She then went for another scoop of potatoes, but I blocked her before she could finish. Needless to say a large fight broke out and it was chaotic.
After cooling off I was nervous about the health impacts that a swallowed diamond ring could cause. The doctor told me not to worry too much as the xray showed it had entered the intestines and was not stuck in the throat. It should be making its appearance in a day or two and to be on the lookout for it. If it was still in the stomach she might have been able to retrieve it. I am grateful that no lasting harm has been done.
My daughter has told me that she won't look for my ring unless I give the phone back. I can not give in to her demands. I don't think that I can keep her away from a toilet.
I do not know what to do, how to move forward or even how we got to this point. I get angry when I see my daughter which I feel terrible about. I'm at my wits end and do not know where to turn. I am looking into getting a therapist.
You've probably received lots of advice from us well-meaning people. Sometimes you just need to vent. This is a good place to do that.
At this age, it's about control as much as anything. You sound like a great parent but may not win this battle. Finding some literature could be helpful to you. Creative solutions might work, like the two of you making smoothies with some green things that don't taste like green things due to clever disguises. There are lots of recipes. Give her choices of what to put in, like two or three in addition to the disguises. That way she has a measure of control.
You may never get her to eat vegetables. Some people really just hate them, lol. Maybe vitamins would be a good substitute if you have no luck. She sounds pretty defiant. There will be other upcoming battles with more serious consequences. She'll live even without all the green stuff. Good luck and hang in there.
My only advice is to go back to when she was 2 years old and stop rewarding and bribing her for doing things she was required to do. You have created a monster.
And earn to cook. Kids will generally eat vegetables that are well prepared.
A bit off topic, but I would not require a child to eat potatoes. Potatoes are not a vegetable and there is absolutely no reason for a child to eat potatoes if he doesn't want potatoes.
Where is this kid getting candy? Either you are bringing it into the house for her or you are giving her money to buy it for herself.
I don't know exactly where she is getting the candy from. I assume its from her friends at school.
We don't always have potatoes but if I cook them I put some on her plate along with other veggies.
Thanks for the suggestion. I will look into this book and will try getting her to help with cooking as another posted suggested. I have tried having her help cook in the past and it's never ended well. All I can do is keep trying to get her involved with meal planning but am not hopeful on success any time soon.
Of course she’s rebelling: you’re trying to use the same tactics on a preteen that you used on a toddler. The more you try to control her, the more she is going to push back. I think I was about the same age when I had an epic battle of wills over a meal my grandmother made. It wasn’t even so much about the food; I probably would have just ate it to be done with the issue, but the more she coaxed or threatened, the more determined I became to not allow her to control me.
If at this point in her life she cannot stand vegetables no matter how they are prepared or masked by other foods, fine. Talk to the pediatrician about screening for eating disorders. If it is nothing more than a stubborn refusal to eat this one food group, get her some supplements and move on. No, it’s not ideal, but this isn’t something you can manipulate or strong-arm a preteen into compliance with.
As far as the phone goes, I would return it when I get the ring back. Period. If she’s already flushed it, then no phone until the value of the ring is paid back. That means playing the long game, but it’s about restitution, not control.
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Originally Posted by parentatwits
Thanks for the suggestion. I will look into this book and will try getting her to help with cooking as another posted suggested. I have tried having her help cook in the past and it's never ended well. All I can do is keep trying to get her involved with meal planning but am not hopeful on success any time soon.
OP, your problem with your daughter is 100X worse than her dislike of vegetables.
She defied you, enough, to swallow your engagement ring and threatened to swallow your wedding ring. That is absolute defiance, and an absolute power play.
I think you need family therapy with you, your husband, and your daughter to understand why she is going to this extreme length to assert her control over you.
And for the moment, stop worrying about vegetables. We all know adults who are healthy who never eat vegetables or fruits. This problem with her is much deeper than diet.
Thanks for the suggestion. I will look into this book and will try getting her to help with cooking as another posted suggested. I have tried having her help cook in the past and it's never ended well. All I can do is keep trying to get her involved with meal planning but am not hopeful on success any time soon.
On with this same technique, how about taking her to a gardening store to pick out some seeds? Have her pick some seeds SHE would like to grow. And then YOU pick out some seeds to grow. Pick a veggie that she is "on the border with." Set up a small garden in your yard. Just a 3' X 3' plot is all that's needed. Get everything you'll need. Gloves,tools,watering devices,fertilizer. Go cultivate the soil with her. Make it fun.
Now, hopefully, here's what'll happen~
After she tends, waters, weeds, cultivates, she's going to see how the seeds germinate and grow. After the time needed to grow from seed to mature plant/fruit or veggie, she should emotionally "bond" with these plants. Then, and only then, will she might "try" one or some of those veggies. She may want to try them raw/uncooked. She may not want to, also. If not, you still have a quality of fruit/veggies that you can't get in any store. Impress upon her that doing this isn't just a "1 time" deal. This is an activity that can be done forever. You can even call it a "victory garden." Good luck with this project.
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