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Great points! The OP is right, the co-sleeping to avoid stress has now created stress.
As to your comment I bolded, I remember watching many episodes of Supernanny where it would be 2-3 miserable nights for parents, waiting outside the bedroom door, and every time the child got up, the parent did not interact, did not speak, did not climb into bed and cuddle them, but simply took them by the hand, helped them back to bed, covered them up and left the room. It's not easy to do but the end result is well worth a few difficult nights.
I have to think that if parents are so wimpy they can't handle a few rough nights - in exchange for finally getting years of good sleep for both them and the kids - that the parents will never be able to let the kids "fail" at anything. And that's setting the kids up for failure all their adult lives.
Maybe as soon as the son falls back asleep again the wife should go back to to the marriage bed, the idea being she's not there in the morning. Or, perhaps the kids could co-sleep with each other for a few months before hopefully getting settled down to sleep in their own beds.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I didn't sleep with my parents. I was tucked in, maybe told a story, but slept by myself. Was anyone here sleeping with parents while growing up?
I coslept with all my kids. My husband slept in the guest room on his work nights. This is such a natural thing for women. It's mammalian, biological. So as a man, you're over thinking all of this. Let her enjoy this sweet bonding time with the kids while they're young. It's so fleeting. I co slept with my last child until he was six. I miss that time terribly, but he's a big boy now in his own room. Let your wife enjoy this special time. I think she and the kids are well adjusted doing such a natural thing.
Not fair to the husband but these days that has low priority
In modern terms this is called unfulfilled expectations the basis of divorce
It's unfair to the husband because the wife is putting the kids before him. That's what may cause a divorce.
I guess this is where I feel differently. If at 12 the kids are still sleeping in the parents bed then that is a bit much. The kids needs should come before the husbands. My husband puts the kids needs before mine and that works for me.
We sort of have a similar situation in our home with our 5 and 7 year olds- books, back tickle, bed. It's usually 15-20 min per kid. Sometimes I fall asleep during a back tickle and wake up at 2AM and go to my own bed. Sometimes the kids go to bed 1-2-3 like last night (wanted Santa to come) and other times they fight. It depends on what's going on. Early on we played musical beds, but that has lessened over the years. If they're afraid of something/nightmares they'll come to my room in the middle of the night, but most of the time both sleep through the night in their own beds. With that said, my husband now works third shift so we don't sleep together anymore. He's FT in the den until covid is over.
Anyhow, your wife is making this choice and in the grand scheme of things it's really only for a short amount of time. Soon enough your kids won't want to be so close to you.
It was a mistake to start it and should end. My kids had a nonnegotiable bedtime unless there was a special event. We read them a story and left. If they had a nightmare they could get in our bed. It wasn’t frequent.
I agree it's a bad habit to get into and it's more for the parents and not the kids. Most of us were probably put to bed at a regular time with a story read to us. Lights out and good night.
The only time I can remember crawling into bed with my mother was a night we were alone in a scary thunderstorm. We were both scared and the lightening even struck the house next door. You're not doing them any favors by delaying their ability to learn to soothe themselves into independent sleep.
This wouldn't work for me, and I wouldn't be happy if my spouse chose to do this. But, our kids go to bed at 7-7:30. Then we get from 7:30-10 to cuddle, have sex, watch movies...study or work. I cherish our couple time and our evenings together, which is our only alone time. Each child slept near me when they were infants, and that was enough for me.
You're obviously not happy. Your wife doesn't sound like she's happy either. At some point they're going to need a larger bed. It's probably time for a real discussion that involves an action plan and solution that works for both of you. Maybe some couples are fine sleeping together forever, but it sounds like it's not working for you guys.
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