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Old 02-20-2021, 08:59 AM
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Could there be something about the time your mom baby sat for....that you don`t know about. Stories about abuse often come out years latter.
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Old 02-20-2021, 12:55 PM
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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Hurt is often expressed as anger. I can see how it would be a bitter pill to swallow when you think someone is spending time with you because they love you vs they were paid to. Receiving payment changes the grandparent/child dynamic.

Rather than defend the payment, ask your daughter why she is hurt and listen to her. Ultimately, she's entitled to her feelings.
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Old 02-20-2021, 09:24 PM
Location: Portal to the Pacific
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Originally Posted by Itapsit View Post
Hi everyone. Around Christmas, I was talking to my daughter about family members who passed away. I was shocked to find out my daughter has unfavorable opinions about my mother. When asked why, she was upset because my mother took money to babysit her. I tried explaining why, but she's still upset. I got a call from my sister earlier that my daughter is calling our mom a b itch and other unfavorable terms. Just not sure where to go from here. TBH, I'm sort of afraid her feelings for me can turn on a dime. Before my mom passed, they were close.
This is a tough one, OP and I can see why you are confused and worried.
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Old Today, 06:51 PM
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Regarding you being afraid your daughters feelings for you can turn on a dime, I totally understand your feeling that, and you might be right.

I find it best when talking with my 21yo daughter about anything she has an opinion about, I don't offer ANY of my own opinions (and when I forget this rule and offer an opinion, I always regret it). I just listen, nod, and generally agree with her (unless it's a safety issue or something).

Don't try to change your daughters opinion of her grandma. It won't work and you'll become an enemy. At this point it would only be helpful for you to be her ally and find out what's upsetting her.

I do think that perhaps there's more to the babysitting than you know, like others have suggested.

And this is reaching very far out there, but it can probably apply to many circumstances so please don't take it literally... but when someone has been abused, they can often feel anger towards a person they perceived (even subconsciously) should have been their protector. They can even be more angry at that person than the actual abuser. I'm not suggesting your daughter was abused, but even if she felt slighted or bullied (were there other kids around?), and grandma didn't 'protect' her, she could be angry about that.

And of course, this can all just be about the money too.

People perceive things differently... we paid my mil to babysit once a week. My own mom would come and relieve her for a few hours because it was a long day. We didn't pay my mom, and she wouldn't have taken it. We were happy to pay my mil though, we trusted her and would have never had just a regular babysitter watch our daughter, so it was good all around.

When I mentioned our situation to a friend who had recently become a grandma, she said she would be SO insulted if she were offered money to babysit (she regularly babysat her grandchild about once a week, so it was a similar situation). She wasn't well off, but also not struggling. But boy, she got pretty angry about the idea of being offered money to watch her grandchild. I remember being so surprised at her reaction.

None of it is right or wrong, but if your daughter is like my friend, maybe it's truly just her feeling insulted.
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