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Old 01-24-2021, 06:32 AM
 
9,234 posts, read 4,521,918 times
Reputation: 23448

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I maybe short in knowledge of this new math.
At 18 , you become a role model to a one year old.
At 27 you acquire a home for the family. She is now 10 years old.
How did she become 13 so quickly?
I ask because stages within a young gals life are partly 'age' expected, verses those scenarios that are warning signs. A teen being defiant is partly normal.
A ten year old...not so common.
Nonetheless, no human making bodily threats is 'normal'.

Her way of communicating is unnerving. Rinse your hands of her antics . Focus on her regenerating some healthy coping and listening skills.

She has no idea the lengths you went to ...to give her a decent life. In due time though...her mindset will set her straight. The hard knock life she wants will gladly clarify that.
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Old 01-24-2021, 07:12 AM
 
17 posts, read 8,260 times
Reputation: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
I maybe short in knowledge of this new math.
At 18 , you become a role model to a one year old.
At 27 you acquire a home for the family. She is now 10 years old.
How did she become 13 so quickly?
I ask because stages within a young gals life are partly 'age' expected, verses those scenarios that are warning signs. A teen being defiant is partly normal.
A ten year old...not so common.
Nonetheless, no human making bodily threats is 'normal'.

Her way of communicating is unnerving. Rinse your hands of her antics . Focus on her regenerating some healthy coping and listening skills.

She has no idea the lengths you went to ...to give her a decent life. In due time though...her mindset will set her straight. The hard knock life she wants will gladly clarify that.
I’m not sure what you are asking. But to clarify I brought a home at age 27 for us. Now it’s 3 years later, she’s 12 and will be 13 in a month basically. Hope that helps.
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Old 01-24-2021, 07:59 AM
 
5,776 posts, read 5,038,024 times
Reputation: 17470
People tend to inherit the personality traits of their parents. Sounds as if your mother, and the girl's mother (who I'm assuming is your older sister?), and this girl are all cut from the same cloth.

The girl is living with your mother now. The girl's mother is aware of where her child is. You never legally adopted this child, nor did you get legal guardianship of her. Frankly, you were very foolish not to have - you had the raising of this child, with none of the financial support. But that's water under the bridge.

From what you've related, this girl is going to have an extremely difficult adolescence. She may not get through it. There's nothing you can do about it. Let her go to her grandmother and mother. Move on with your own life. Do you want to further pursue your career? Get married? Have children of your own? Live peacefully in your own home, quietly enjoying your life?

And yes, you DO need therapy, because you let yourself be used and abused by your relatives.
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Old 01-24-2021, 09:27 AM
 
17 posts, read 8,260 times
Reputation: 35
@parentologist

I’m now seeing that. She’s exactly like her mom. I’ve been looking back thinking where did I go wrong or maybe if I did this or this right.. things could’ve been different. But it’s embedded in her DNA.

I was seeing a therapist for a year and he would guilt trip me, I would tell him I felt trap and don’t know what to do and he would say, the only thing to do is raise her. She’ll grow out of it. She’s a teen.
I felt I had no choice.

I felt God would hate me because she’s a child. I was blind but now I’m seeing things for what they are.

I want kids, I want a husband and to further my career and travel... all these things I put on hold. I’ve been reflecting and I’m seeing how I was used and taken advantage of. It hurts, I did what I did for love.

I’m almost 31 now and I feel it’s too late for me now.

Last edited by Sosoblessed516; 01-24-2021 at 09:36 AM..
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Old 01-24-2021, 10:18 AM
 
1,385 posts, read 1,717,498 times
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Sosoblessed, it's not too late for you. You've devoted a huge chunk of your young adult life to generously caring for a relative. It's time to let her mother and grandmother take up that responsibility for the time being. You should not feel bad. You did a wonderful, generous thing when you had no obligation to. Your mother and your sister could have been reported to protective services. Instead, you raised this young lady for as many years as you could.

Now it's time to let her mother and her grandmother take a turn.

It is not to late for you. You are young. You have many wonderful years ahead of you. Take time to heal. Also, not every therapist is a perfect fit for every person. So if your current therapist is not working out, you may need to look for someone who is solidly on your team and will work WITH you towards getting you feeling good again. And with time, the right person may enter your life and you may find yourself in a happy secure place where you're ready to start another chapter.
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Old 01-24-2021, 10:39 AM
 
821 posts, read 339,845 times
Reputation: 2221
Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkatbar View Post
Sosoblessed, it's not too late for you. You've devoted a huge chunk of your young adult life to generously caring for a relative. It's time to let her mother and grandmother take up that responsibility for the time being. You should not feel bad. You did a wonderful, generous thing when you had no obligation to. Your mother and your sister could have been reported to protective services. Instead, you raised this young lady for as many years as you could.

Now it's time to let her mother and her grandmother take a turn.

It is not to late for you. You are young. You have many wonderful years ahead of you. Take time to heal. Also, not every therapist is a perfect fit for every person. So if your current therapist is not working out, you may need to look for someone who is solidly on your team and will work WITH you towards getting you feeling good again. And with time, the right person may enter your life and you may find yourself in a happy secure place where you're ready to start another chapter.
I just love this.
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Old 01-24-2021, 10:42 AM
 
Location: Indianapolis, East Side
2,084 posts, read 1,043,953 times
Reputation: 5113
What I don't see being discussed here is the best interests of this girl. Grandma sounds like she doesn't take any crap off of anyone, so maybe she can at least make sure she stays out of serious trouble and graduates from high school. Foster care might even be better than living with the OP if the OP absolutely can't handle her. But for the OP to ditch a child she's been raising for 13 years because she wants a better life is hideous.

OP, you're rightfully angry and resentful and have regrets. But you did take on the responsibility of your niece. You were young, but no younger than first-time parents were not that long ago in human history. If you're truly unable to continue carrying out that responsibility, that's one thing. But if something terrible happens to her because you're tired of dealing with her, you'll have to live with that.

Single parents get married all the time. Thirty-year-olds get married all the time. And if you can travel and further your career with the responsibilities of a marriage and multiple kids, why not with your niece?
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Old 01-24-2021, 02:48 PM
 
17 posts, read 8,260 times
Reputation: 35
To the poster above. I’m going to say this in the nicest way possible. Go back and reread everything I wrote.
There’s people who have raped, killed and done horrible horrible crimes to children. I have not.

You don’t know the extent of what was said.
All I’m doing is giving her to my mother.
I pray for her and will continue to pray for her. And I know God will lead her. I’ve helped my Mon get her in to see a therapist tomorrow.

Her Mom and Dad is in contact with my Mom. I shouldn’t care more than them. Even though I do.

It’s a new day and new world. She will have to learn her way and learn from her mistakes because she’s a hard headed child.

I’m washing my hands. Tons of kids survived and so will she.
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Old 01-24-2021, 02:50 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
5,758 posts, read 4,076,758 times
Reputation: 18257
Don't abandon the girl. Stay in her life. Kids lash out at the people closest to them - it happens even with kids who are mentally healthy and have a very typical living situation, so no surprise it'd happen with this girl. It's normal for them to push people away to see if people CAN be pushed away.
DO let grandma share the load (assuming grandma has a reasonably safe household) - especially as she's the one getting the child support!
You may find that it'd be good for her currently to live with grandma full- or part-time, but you can still be very present in her life even if this is the case - remember, you've been her parent all this time. Even if your relationship is currently rough, that counts for a lot, and I think you're both likely to regret it a few years from now if this splits you up.
Take this time as a breather to re-center yourself. Get a therapist who supports you emotionally rather than tells you what to do. Consider joining a parenting support group or class for help, as it sounds like you haven't had great models for how to parent.
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Old 01-24-2021, 02:58 PM
 
17 posts, read 8,260 times
Reputation: 35
Frostnip

Of course I will stay in her life. But not financially anymore.
For her to say those things, call me b words and whores and physically fight me and cut up Apple Mac computers and throws things at me. I’m hurt, people forget adults when a child is involved.

But as far as me taking her back. I’m done, I have to take care of me and will not sacrifice my life any longer for an ungrateful child. Who- if I die probably will spit on my grave.
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