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Old 01-24-2021, 02:02 PM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
6,929 posts, read 5,804,172 times
Reputation: 15645

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You have done all you can. She is going in a bad direction and you don’t have the ability to steer her any better. A long time ago you should have sued for custody and guardianship of your niece but that all water under the bridge. I respect your decision to remove her for both of your best interests. I suspect within a year she will be in the child protective system and you may be contacted to take her again. At that time you will need lots of social services and support.

We never know if its nature or nurture that makes criminals and leaders. But in this case we do know that neither of you is thriving and in fact you are both drowning.
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Old 01-24-2021, 02:12 PM
 
19 posts, read 11,597 times
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Worldklas

The attorney said my mom and sister would’ve possibly faced time when it all came out. What they were doing.

My mom is stricter and has a husband. So maybe she needs that in her life. However,
We are both suffering. This has been going on for a good while. I’ve tried everything. I cut my hours to spend time with her, had to withdraw from college multiple times, tried bonding, always leaving positive affirmations on her mirror and lunch box. Everything. All of her other siblings have behavioral issues. Her old sister were raised by her dad parents and around this same age, they gave her to her dad. I always wondered was it because of these reasons. My niece mom got pregnant at 13 years old. My parents tried everything and had to place her in a boot camp type home.

I mean Everytime I tried to talk to her. Help her be humble, letting her see the less fortunate and giving back. She would tell me why it was wrong. I tried to explain why school was the way to go, because I was the first to graduate and go to college. She said opposite. Her mom was diagnosed with a opposition defiance disorder.
So now she’s just going to have to see the world as it is.
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Old 01-24-2021, 06:14 PM
 
Location: Native Floridian, USA
5,025 posts, read 6,626,737 times
Reputation: 6463
Very interesting but unsettling post. I feel for you SoSoBlessed516. It sounds like you may be from a different culture ? It is frightening that this young girl may be thrust out on her own or in an even more dyfunctional environment but, I do not fault you in saying that you have reached the end of your rope. Been there. Like you, I understand the feeling of unbearable guilt and yet feeling like you have nothing left to give to the situation.

I don't have any hard and fast answers to the problems. I do feel your despair and depression over the situation. Good luck to you both and yes, definitely, you do need to find some counseling to help you deal with all of this, for your own sake and peace of mind.
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Old 01-25-2021, 03:54 AM
 
Location: NJ
16,119 posts, read 24,792,572 times
Reputation: 16138
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheerbliss View Post
What I don't see being discussed here is the best interests of this girl. Grandma sounds like she doesn't take any crap off of anyone, so maybe she can at least make sure she stays out of serious trouble and graduates from high school. Foster care might even be better than living with the OP if the OP absolutely can't handle her. But for the OP to ditch a child she's been raising for 13 years because she wants a better life is hideous.

OP, you're rightfully angry and resentful and have regrets. But you did take on the responsibility of your niece. You were young, but no younger than first-time parents were not that long ago in human history. If you're truly unable to continue carrying out that responsibility, that's one thing. But if something terrible happens to her because you're tired of dealing with her, you'll have to live with that.

Single parents get married all the time. Thirty-year-olds get married all the time. And if you can travel and further your career with the responsibilities of a marriage and multiple kids, why not with your niece?

Totally agree. She's acting out because she can't deal with the fact that her own mother gave her away, she's living with an aunt who could do the same thing at any moment and she did. She needs help to deal with her feelings and to see how blessed she is that she was given to the OP who's given her a great life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sosoblessed516 View Post
Worldklas

The attorney said my mom and sister would’ve possibly faced time when it all came out. What they were doing.

My mom is stricter and has a husband. So maybe she needs that in her life. However,
We are both suffering. This has been going on for a good while. I’ve tried everything. I cut my hours to spend time with her, had to withdraw from college multiple times, tried bonding, always leaving positive affirmations on her mirror and lunch box. Everything. All of her other siblings have behavioral issues. Her old sister were raised by her dad parents and around this same age, they gave her to her dad. I always wondered was it because of these reasons. My niece mom got pregnant at 13 years old. My parents tried everything and had to place her in a boot camp type home.

I mean Everytime I tried to talk to her. Help her be humble, letting her see the less fortunate and giving back. She would tell me why it was wrong. I tried to explain why school was the way to go, because I was the first to graduate and go to college. She said opposite. Her mom was diagnosed with a opposition defiance disorder.
So now she’s just going to have to see the world as it is.
You should have told your mother that you not only need but want that child support and what they're doing was illegal and you'd turn them in.

How did you do anything for her without legal custody like enroll her in school? Who has legal custody? Your mother? Did she give you a letter stating your niece lived with you for school?

What about health insurance?

I don't post about myself or my struggles with my daughter these days but I have one diagnosed ODD too. Back in the 90's they said it was due to bad parenting which is a crock of cr@p. I'm a darned good parent who raised one awesome now adult who's your age.

In my daughters case it was due to her father. I've tried counseling at many ages, she refused to talk. At one time a counselor suggested she was sexually abused but she still wouldn't talk. A few years ago she said her father tried to sexually abuse her when he was living with my MIL. Her father was never really in her life after I took him to court for various things like having her sleep in a room with a teen boy at 8 when he stayed at his GF's house.

My daughter now 27 still has anger issues. She has issues dealing with not having a father. He used to be a great father until he turned abusive towards me and my son. Guess who she still takes it out on? Me even though I'm the only one she can count on. She's quick with her tongue too, like your niece. My 7 year old grandson sees this, so now he's starting to talk to her like she talks to me. By the way, I'm the one doing the raising while they've lived with me. He knows that I'm more his mother then she is. Will he be ODD like her? I don't know because he's more like me. She is nothing like me.

My daughter and grandson moved out in October. I didn't know how it would go because he didn't want to go, wanted to stay with me because this is the only home he knew. It ended up working out. He stopped his outbursts which I believe are tied to him being upset that his mother doesn't parent him while they're in my house. They temporarily came back, once again he falls on me and once again he's starting to back talk.

Hopefully this gives you some insight to what may be happening with your niece. Maybe you just need a break, maybe she needs a break to see the other side at your mothers house. Please don't just give up on her. You really are the only mother she's ever known. It's hard for a kid to know their own mother doesn't want them, not only that, her grandmother also didn't want her. How does a young kid deal with that?

If you do get her back, she needs birth control since she's talking about getting pregnant. I usually suggest an IUD with no hormones but I doubt they'd give it to her. May be better with the one that gets implanted in her arm.

If you do take her back, your mother needs to give up the child support, you also need legal custody papers. You can tell your niece that while her mother and grandmother have a lot on their plates, you chose to raise her and either she's going to go to therapy with you to try to deal with her feelings or it's out of your hands right now...
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Old 01-25-2021, 10:04 AM
 
2,175 posts, read 3,356,010 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sosoblessed516 View Post
Hey everyone,

My story is a little complex. Right now I honestly I don’t know what to do.

At 18, while getting ready for college. My mom dropped my niece is was barely one off and left. I was living with my father. I had to put my college plans on hold to raise her. I worked 3 jobs. My mom still claimed benefits for this child and as tax credits. My mom got married and decided she didn’t want kids, but took her from my sister who already has 7 other kids.

As years went by I cried, struggled and struggled. I was finally able to graduate college at 27 and brought us a huge home for the two of us. Since my niece was young she always had behavioral issues.
So did her mom and siblings.

Fast forward- things continue to get worse. I was called everyday by the school of her being in fights or instigating. Acting as if she was in gangs. I continued to talk to her and spend more time. Changing jobs to accommodate.

A few months ago, the cops and school called because she was communicating threats to teachers online. She punched my dads cabinet ( wood) breaking it.

By this time. She basically said she’s not going to therapy and I couldn’t make her. My mother found her dad a few years ago. But keep this from me. He sends my mom child support that she uses solely on her and her husband. Has been going on for years.

Anytime I give my niece rules or ask her to clean up its attitudes and rolling of eyes. Last night I asked her to clean her room- have asked politely for three weeks now. She rolled her eyes. I asked was it a problem and she began cursing and calling names, saying I was a dumb b word for taking her in. She wished I died and every name you could think of. She physically fought me for the first time. And went into detail about everything she hated about me. That I’m making her go to school and it’s not for her and if she gets pregnant she’ll just get an abortion. She’s about to be 13 next month.

All while keeping her, it’s just been work work work and her and her and her. I haven’t had a life she is my life.
I’ve missed out and gave up on so much. Including marriage and kids. I was the first in my family out of 8 kids to graduate to show her the way and lead by example.

I’m just tired, I feel used and betrayed. I invested so much into this kid. I gave her to my mom and I’m full of emotions. I haven’t ate yet. Just sleep and sleep. I talk to my therapist but he insist on me keeping her and she’s the victim but yet I still feel robbed.

I have no one else to talk to. I worry for her, I pray for her but I’m mentally tired. Any advice?
Whoa!! That's a load you have carried for a long time now. Apparently the people in your family have no respect or gratitude for the sacrifices you've made for so many years.

You want my honest, brutal opinion? Bail on all of them. Sell your home, move far away, and start working on a better life for yourself. Yes, it's drastic, but I'm serious. Yeah, maybe they'll miss you and realize how much you've done for all of them when you're gone, but they sure don't realize it now, nor will they ever as long as you are around and allow yourself to get trampled on.

Get out, don't look back. When you're 50, you'll thank me. Everything has a way of working itself out, but you gotta nudge it along to make those things happen.

Sheesh...don't carry that burden anymore. You did nothing to deserve it. You have no obligation to the abuse you have been forced to suffer. *********r therapist, he/she is an idiot. Be your own champion now, before you get too old!

SS
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Old 01-25-2021, 11:43 AM
 
1,981 posts, read 2,484,950 times
Reputation: 3175
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sosoblessed516 View Post
Worldklas
My niece mom got pregnant at 13 years old.
Wouldn't your niece's mom be your sister?
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Old 01-25-2021, 11:57 AM
 
Location: Sandy Eggo's North County
3,039 posts, read 1,050,748 times
Reputation: 4244
Quote:
Originally Posted by djmaxwell View Post
Wouldn't your niece's mom be your sister?
I picked up on that also. Maybe the OP is from another country? English as a second (or third) language?

Anyway, the OP, the OP's mom, "niece's" mom, the 13 year old, amongst others, could all benefit from a behavioral health intervention. Before the 13 year old is dead.

I'm in the behavioral heath industry, and this story is so similar to thousands of others...
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Old 01-25-2021, 01:02 PM
 
Location: NJ
16,119 posts, read 24,792,572 times
Reputation: 16138
Quote:
Originally Posted by djmaxwell View Post
Wouldn't your niece's mom be your sister?
Yes according to the 1st post, she said "My mom got married and decided she didn’t want kids, but took her from my sister who already has 7 other kids."
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Old 01-25-2021, 01:48 PM
 
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
11,477 posts, read 10,286,391 times
Reputation: 25613
It's time for her to go. Call your mom and her dad and give them 24 hours to pick her up or you are turning her over to CPS.
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Old 01-25-2021, 08:45 PM
 
9 posts, read 3,999 times
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I'll throw in - my wife and I did foster care for a young man from ages 12 to 2 months shy of 18. He had been kicked out of school for using a knife in a fight, was on the streets - typical wreck.

We love him, encouraged him - he won "Student Comeback of Year" for his grades, won national championships in his sport and we had college money ready. But between 16-18 the voices around him turned him angrier - tougher and our reward was a McDonalds cup filled with urine one day when he moved in with his gf and her parents who deemed us "unfit".

Years later they apologized and say they were fooled by his story -his ability to gain sympathy. IT HURT AND STILL DOES - but now that ALOT of time has passed - I'm glad we did it - his life is a bit messy - two kids - two moms - never married - but he has shared with people around him that those years were his best.

We still don't talk - but no regrets - hugs and prayers for you - your road was tougher than ours. Feel free to share this with your teen - mine had a road of college, inheritance, family - and his anger and youth took him down another road.
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