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I'll throw in - my wife and I did foster care for a young man from ages 12 to 2 months shy of 18. He had been kicked out of school for using a knife in a fight, was on the streets - typical wreck.
We love him, encouraged him - he won "Student Comeback of Year" for his grades, won national championships in his sport and we had college money ready. But between 16-18 the voices around him turned him angrier - tougher and our reward was a McDonalds cup filled with urine one day when he moved in with his gf and her parents who deemed us "unfit".
Years later they apologized and say they were fooled by his story -his ability to gain sympathy. IT HURT AND STILL DOES - but now that ALOT of time has passed - I'm glad we did it - his life is a bit messy - two kids - two moms - never married - but he has shared with people around him that those years were his best.
We still don't talk - but no regrets - hugs and prayers for you - your road was tougher than ours. Feel free to share this with your teen - mine had a road of college, inheritance, family - and his anger and youth took him down another road.
This is why I would not want to take care of someone else’s kids. Either single mom or foster. You will always be last on the list if not completely abused used and ignored.
OP
You did your best, saved your niece from a worse life, gave her a chance. Now you need to move on for your own chance at life.
Your family dynamics show that your are the person who will succeed. Don't be dragged down. Your job is done, your niece has landed in the place her actions resulted in. A baby is completely different from a teenager. You escaped and perhaps some day she'll see the light.
I agree with the poster that said to move away when possible if your job situation will allow it. It's time.
I'm with her. You were a dumb b for taking her in. She's right about that, but too late now. You made a big mistake there.
Ypu were 18. Where was your dad in all this? How on earth did you just allow her to claim that kid and benefits and just toodle off?
I've always (since a kid 60 yrs ago) felt sorry for foster kids because it seemed that they were often treated so crappy. I never could understand why except someone told me once that they were "forced" on relatives who had no interest in raising them. Those kids sense it. I guess that is often the case.
The child's acting out has everything to do with the behavior of the adults in her life. She is looking for approval from her family but finds it in a group at school that accepts her into their circle. You admitted there is tension in the house. She sees it as a power struggle between you two.
See a counsellor on your own and work on yourself. Learn how to conduct your relationship with her. Find out what you can do better. You are trying your best I know but you shouldn't leave it to chance that you will be able to deal with it alone.
The child's acting out has everything to do with the behavior of the adults in her life. She is looking for approval from her family but finds it in a group at school that accepts her into their circle. You admitted there is tension in the house. She sees it as a power struggle between you two.
See a counsellor on your own and work on yourself. Learn how to conduct your relationship with her. Find out what you can do better. You are trying your best I know but you shouldn't leave it to chance that you will be able to deal with it alone.
Good luck.
I can't rep you, I handed out too much rep in the last 24 hours.
I said the same thing which is why I shared my story. The niece is 13, typical age for a kid to rebel. It hurts to have your own mother not want you, then her grandmother took her but gave her away too. I think she was pushing the OP to see if she would throw her away too and she did. Now she's back with the grandmother who didn't want her back then. It very well could be that the niece also has oppositional defiant disorder but if she wasn't like this most of her life then it's due to her feelings of being abandoned.
I feel really bad for the niece. I know what it's like to have a mother that didn't like you. We don't know if she saw her "mother" or siblings and their relationship. OP really has not said.
When I was 18 I took in my baby nephew as well, and he is also 12 years now. I think it is really interesting your therapist told you that you have to keep her, when every therapist I ever talked to told me I was nuts to keep my nephew with me, and his behaviour was nowhere near as problematic as your nieces.
I am serious, three therapists told me to let it go and move on.
I think it's great what you did, and it seems you already decided to move on, there is no sense it letting the resentment between you two grow any further.
(I deleted my above post bc all I wanted to say was already said- didn't realize the thread was going on for 5pages)
Anyone who takes in an older child due to the biological parents being unable to care for that child MUST be prepared to be abused and endure almost unbearable heartbreak. If someone is not willing to endure that and does not have a very strong support system -- and I don't blame anyone for not wanting to put up with some MAJOR "acting out -- they should not undertake the job to begin with. Been there, done that -- and I can relate to much of what has been written in this thread, including some of what the OP is going through. if I could go back in time and make a different choice for mysef, I am no longer sure what I would do.
Hugs to the OP. Anyone who blames her for the situation she is in is just clueless, in my very definite opinion.
She’s at my Mom’s place. My sister (not my niece’s Mother) spoke to her about what happened. She asked her did she feel bad about fighting me? Did she feel bad about what she said? Does she want to apologize in the future? She answered no to all.
She also told her, she didn’t ever want to come back because I try to run her “life” by telling her college is a must and she can’t have a boyfriend until 15/16.
It’s a new start for me because all I’ve known these past 12 years is life with her. I had a trip planned for her 13th birthday and all.
I purchased this home for us and here I am.. all alone.
So many people judge and don’t understand.. thanks to all of you that do. As this is a very sensitive matter to me. This is like my child who I nurtured and strived for the best life for her while forgetting my own self. I feel like a failure, because I’ve invested so so much into her and it’s like this is the thanks I get. It’s definitely a slap in the face.
Admittedly, have not read through this, but if your mother just dumped your neice on YOU, social services should have been contacted and gotten involved. Are you a legal guardian? This is a terrible situation, although I agree with other that you were the good guy in this. Sometimes you have to make incredibly difficult situations in life and this is one of them. You cannot give up your entire life for this child who is not yours and for whom you are NOT a legal guardian. If you continue you may as well plan on 18 yrs of this.
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