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Old 01-23-2021, 08:16 AM
 
17 posts, read 8,260 times
Reputation: 35

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Hey everyone,

My story is a little complex. Right now I honestly I don’t know what to do.

At 18, while getting ready for college. My mom dropped my niece is was barely one off and left. I was living with my father. I had to put my college plans on hold to raise her. I worked 3 jobs. My mom still claimed benefits for this child and as tax credits. My mom got married and decided she didn’t want kids, but took her from my sister who already has 7 other kids.

As years went by I cried, struggled and struggled. I was finally able to graduate college at 27 and brought us a huge home for the two of us. Since my niece was young she always had behavioral issues.
So did her mom and siblings.

Fast forward- things continue to get worse. I was called everyday by the school of her being in fights or instigating. Acting as if she was in gangs. I continued to talk to her and spend more time. Changing jobs to accommodate.

A few months ago, the cops and school called because she was communicating threats to teachers online. She punched my dads cabinet ( wood) breaking it.

By this time. She basically said she’s not going to therapy and I couldn’t make her. My mother found her dad a few years ago. But keep this from me. He sends my mom child support that she uses solely on her and her husband. Has been going on for years.

Anytime I give my niece rules or ask her to clean up its attitudes and rolling of eyes. Last night I asked her to clean her room- have asked politely for three weeks now. She rolled her eyes. I asked was it a problem and she began cursing and calling names, saying I was a dumb b word for taking her in. She wished I died and every name you could think of. She physically fought me for the first time. And went into detail about everything she hated about me. That I’m making her go to school and it’s not for her and if she gets pregnant she’ll just get an abortion. She’s about to be 13 next month.

All while keeping her, it’s just been work work work and her and her and her. I haven’t had a life she is my life.
I’ve missed out and gave up on so much. Including marriage and kids. I was the first in my family out of 8 kids to graduate to show her the way and lead by example.

I’m just tired, I feel used and betrayed. I invested so much into this kid. I gave her to my mom and I’m full of emotions. I haven’t ate yet. Just sleep and sleep. I talk to my therapist but he insist on me keeping her and she’s the victim but yet I still feel robbed.

I have no one else to talk to. I worry for her, I pray for her but I’m mentally tired. Any advice?
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Old 01-23-2021, 09:23 AM
 
823 posts, read 339,845 times
Reputation: 2221
I have no wisdom about this. Just want to say that first, you are the hero in this situation. Bless you for caring. Of course you’re exhausted. You give and give, yet get no thanks. (Huge shame on your mom)

My take is that your niece is in deep pain, having been shuffled around. She lashes out at you because you’re there, not because she really means what she says.

If I had a decent suggestion it would be to find a better therapist and see if there is any social service agency in your area that works with troubled families/ teens.

Sending hugs and a “virtual” bouquet of flowers to you.
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Old 01-23-2021, 09:56 AM
 
Location: Indianapolis, East Side
2,084 posts, read 1,043,953 times
Reputation: 5113
OP, you need to get some help for your martyr syndrome. Shame on people for using and abusing you--but you've allowed ALL of this happen. You could have said no to raising your niece, no to letting your mother take your tax credit, and no to letting your niece mouth off at you. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but to prompt you to stand up for yourself.

It doesn't sound like there's a legally binding arrangement here. Talk to a lawyer about child support, becoming a legal guardian, and all the ramifications. TBH, I'm not sure it's such a good idea for you to continue raising her. She doesn't respect you and you haven't said you love her. Could she live with her mother or father?
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Old 01-23-2021, 12:31 PM
 
17 posts, read 8,260 times
Reputation: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by CLfan1977 View Post
I have no wisdom about this. Just want to say that first, you are the hero in this situation. Bless you for caring. Of course you’re exhausted. You give and give, yet get no thanks. (Huge shame on your mom)

My take is that your niece is in deep pain, having been shuffled around. She lashes out at you because you’re there, not because she really means what she says.

If I had a decent suggestion it would be to find a better therapist and see if there is any social service agency in your area that works with troubled families/ teens.

Sending hugs and a “virtual” bouquet of flowers to you.
Thank you for your time and help.
I know this is maybe a problem. But I had her she wasn’t even a year old. She’s been with me. She shouldn’t have any memory of this.
I tell her How great she is and constantly try to build her up. I try to lead by example. But she turns around and say I wouldn’t want to be a single woman buying a house that’s dumb. She’s with my mom now. So I asked her to get her evaluated.

But my mom has the same exact behavioral issues with my sister growing up.
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Old 01-23-2021, 12:35 PM
 
Location: N.Sierra Nevadas (California)
68,587 posts, read 5,397,459 times
Reputation: 22645
I agree with both CLfan & sheer bliss. You are an amazing person to have lasted this long. But if she is going to continue to stay, you definitely need to get some child support & more therapy. Does she have any contact with her looser Mother at all?
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Old 01-23-2021, 12:43 PM
 
17 posts, read 8,260 times
Reputation: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheerbliss View Post
OP, you need to get some help for your martyr syndrome. Shame on people for using and abusing you--but you've allowed ALL of this happen. You could have said no to raising your niece, no to letting your mother take your tax credit, and no to letting your niece mouth off at you. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but to prompt you to stand up for yourself.

It doesn't sound like there's a legally binding arrangement here. Talk to a lawyer about child support, becoming a legal guardian, and all the ramifications. TBH, I'm not sure it's such a good idea for you to continue raising her. She doesn't respect you and you haven't said you love her. Could she live with her mother or father?
I’m in no way seeking a victim status. I was 18 young and dumb. I admit that. At the time, I felt no one else stepped up so it had to be me. My mom manipulated me a lot when I was younger. I’m still growing out of this. Feelings of being unwanted also prompted me to want to care for this child. Also, you stated I didn’t say I loved her? Just because I post a glimpse of the pic.. don’t assume I don’t tell her I don’t love or care for her. That’s ludacris.
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Old 01-23-2021, 12:45 PM
 
17 posts, read 8,260 times
Reputation: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by evening sun View Post
I agree with both CLfan & sheer bliss. You are an amazing person to have lasted this long. But if she is going to continue to stay, you definitely need to get some child support & more therapy. Does she have any contact with her looser Mother at all?
After this happen I contacted her Mom and her mom said she wouldn’t have her. Her mom hasn’t been a figure in her life. She lives in another state, she finally visited a few months ago and the two of them didn’t get along because she said my niece was being disrespectful to her.
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Old 01-23-2021, 01:05 PM
 
17 posts, read 8,260 times
Reputation: 35
I’m just at the point of not knowing what to do. My mom receives everything so I gave her to her. There’s a lot more to my story. I did seek a lawyer long time ago they wanted to prosecute my mom for fraud. I didn’t go through with it because of my family and of course she’s my mom.

I want to go on with my life now. But I feel bad and guilty as this is like my child. But what took place and the things that were said. I know I can’t handle it any longer. I feel like a loser. But I’m tired. It’s so hard. And I’m tired... tired is just how I feel. This has been wearing at me. I look back and see how I’ve been taken advantage of. But I didn’t do anything for money, support or taxes.. just love. But I want to focus on me now as selfish as that sounds.
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Old 01-23-2021, 01:34 PM
 
Location: Indianapolis, East Side
2,084 posts, read 1,043,953 times
Reputation: 5113
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sosoblessed516 View Post
I’m in no way seeking a victim status. I was 18 young and dumb. I admit that. At the time, I felt no one else stepped up so it had to be me. My mom manipulated me a lot when I was younger. I’m still growing out of this. Feelings of being unwanted also prompted me to want to care for this child. Also, you stated I didn’t say I loved her? Just because I post a glimpse of the pic.. don’t assume I don’t tell her I don’t love or care for her. That’s ludacris.
Suggestion: find a therapist who deals with narcissistic abuse. It sounds like this is what your mother put you through--which included fraud. She falsified her tax returns and took child support for a child she wasn't caring for. I say this constructively: you need to learn appropriate ways of standing up for yourself. Doesn't sound like the current therapist is doing that.

I have no doubt your mother put you through the wringer. At the same time, your niece needs a guardian with a backbone, not just a cheerleader, not just a roomie who politely asks her to pick up around the house, not a doormat who accepts insults from a kid. Maybe such parenting would have worked with raising you, but your niece is cut from different cloth. She's a handful and she's only going to get worse if things keep going as they are. I don't know whether things can be turned around at this late date, but you need to try.

Again--I'm not saying anything to try to make you feel bad, it's that I've seen this play out. My mother had a martyr syndrome this big. She raised three juvenile delinquents who all had teenage pregnancies. She died complaining about what a miserable life she had. Feeling like you're at the mercy of everyone else around you will make you miserable.
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Old 01-23-2021, 01:38 PM
 
3,652 posts, read 1,587,988 times
Reputation: 7308
I don't have the answer. The girl senses your resentment.. Don't make it a power struggle between you two. It is clear she will compete head to head with you on that front. After all she is a young child and doesn't have the benefit of life experience nor a fully developed brain.

There is nothing stopping you from meeting a psychologist on your own. There are two people in the problem.If the "offender" will not go that should not stop you from getting help with how to deal with your situation and learn some new things about your own self you can change that might help the situation.
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