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Old 01-25-2021, 04:36 PM
 
2,422 posts, read 828,257 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by joe from dayton View Post
Is he supposed to help pay his college expenses? What specific expectations were laid out regarding work?
Be smart, take out a college loan, so that hard-working taxpayers can help pay for it when it's forgiven!
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Old 01-25-2021, 04:40 PM
 
Location: Fayetteville NC
6,127 posts, read 6,002,154 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RAFRAF View Post
He is expected to help with college expenses as
Much as he can. He will have to take out loans eventually.

He is planning on using his own money for the trip. I was clear to him that there were not to be vacations while he is in college.

I thought we had firm expectations but it seems we haven’t gotten through to him.
Yes he did pay for books and some personal supplies.

Some options discussed were::
Forfeit the trip
Go on the trip but he is expected to add twice the trip amount to his college savings.
Stop funding college upfront. Let him get the loan now and help him pay it back if he is more financially responsible.
Do nothing. Explain our disappointment and understand he made a mistake.
I think your mistake was in not specifying up front just how much he was expected to contribute to college costs and what that would look like.

I think it would be grossly unfair to make him cancel the trip but perfectly acceptable to clarify your expectations moving forward.

I hope you can do it without yelling, it sounds like he got in hot water over this and IMHO If you want to keep this dialogue up you need to pretend you are all rational adults.

My daughter does the same, she works and uses her money for fun things. Our agreement upfront was that she would pay for her own utilities and fast food. I give her a weekly allowance for groceries and sundries and her dad pays her tuition and rent. we usually split the text books books and I paid for her car and car insurance. If she uses her own money to take a trip, I can't tell her no, but i could renegotiate what college expenses she pays for if we did it up front. In her case, 6 months in advance and we'd have to hold firm because she would weasel out of it. Because she isn't stupid!
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Old 01-25-2021, 04:55 PM
 
3,587 posts, read 1,259,322 times
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Lots of kids work to pay their tuition (some during the summer, some during the school year, some both). Lots of kids have loans, probably in addition to work. And lots of kids don't get to go on vacations-- because their money is going to their tuition. They all survive. He will, too.

IOW... for the most part, the money he makes at his job should be going toward his tuition. He's lucky that his parents are keeping him from having to have loans or paying anything at all. Taking advantage of that by barely working and spending what he does make on vacations is probably not indicative of the adult you want him to become...


(Lots of kids don't even have the luxury of unpaid internships because they need a paycheck to put toward their tuition.)
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Old 01-25-2021, 05:02 PM
 
2,422 posts, read 828,257 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by athena53 View Post
Look at the big picture. You say he's a good student. If his grades are good and he's in a marketable major, let him have a bit of fun. I never did the FL thing over Spring Break but my brother did- and didn't tell Mom and Dad till after the fact that they'd used his ancient beater car to get there and back. Brother is now 66 and making $100K/year working 2 days a week as a cost accountant.

OK, I see that there was a prior agreement that there would be no vacations so he violated that. I can see where you might not want to back down and let him go. Maybe a serious discussion is in order about why he wanted a vacation so much he violated your agreement and possible reparations (adding to his college fund) going forward.

To be realistic- is it possible to get short-term jobs over school breaks? I suppose there's DoorDash and InstaCart type work.

I agree with serious Conversation that he needs to plan for internships in future years- freshman year is early. Keep in mind that many of those internships pay little or nothing.
On the other hand, he'd be smart to have his fun while his Mom & Dad pay for it!
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Old 01-25-2021, 05:53 PM
 
Location: Central IL
17,966 posts, read 11,087,022 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Middlin View Post
I get it, I have a son that is a college freshman as well and he will need to take out some loans. At this age, they have no real concept of what this debt means. My son tried really hard to find work over the Christmas break and applied all over the place with no luck. Hoping that summer will be easier. I would do a % of all $ he earns go towards college expenses. If he feels like he gets nothing out of working, it kind of defeats the purpose. Having money is about making choices, prioritizing things you need or want. Re the trip, I would take that cost and say that as soon as he starts working he needs to pay off whatever the % of that trip cost is and put it to college expenses.
THis - I'm guessing it's really hard finding any kind of employment these days, especially short term over summers and breaks or very specific hours that fit with a college schedule.

As loathe as I am to admit it, paying for an appreciable portion of college with part-time work really isn't feasible these days - not like in the '70's through '90's anyway.

If you really want him to pay, then you can't just say "as much as you can". But of course you don't have any idea of what he actually CAN pay, either. So start looking at loans - but at least sit him down and go over the actual cost of the loans when he gets out of college. Can he live at home to say at least room and board? That will REALLY add up if he can't.

I'm just saying, getting loans now (since you admit he'll need to anyway) will stop YOUR resentment and HIS - and as such might preserve your relationship. Good luck!
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Old 01-25-2021, 06:14 PM
 
Location: ATL -> HOU -> DAL -> ATL
5,381 posts, read 4,352,092 times
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Sheesh, he's a college freshman in his first year away from home trying to figure it all out. I don't think he should make a habit of trips like this, but it's ultimately his first slip up. Just set the boundaries now and tell him he made a mistake in not clearing it with you.

I was in a similar situation in college. My parents made it clear my job was to study and study hard. So I worked while on break and didn't work during the school year. Tuition went to loans which in hindsight, yea not the best idea. But they did pay my rent which was a big expense although I had a strict budget. I definitely was not living the high life. They paid for my groceries and I tried to be as cheap as possible. And eating out with friends I'd pay for with my money. That arrangement lasted all 4 years. I kept up my end of the bargain and was very thankful. Knowing what I know now, being able to study instead of work was huge. My grades enabled me to get into a masters program that is paying off today. Yea I spent some time relaxing, but being able to focus on school work really helped.

My parents also never expected any sort of reciprocity with the money I earned during summer/winter breaks. It was mine to keep. Now, if I had saved up several thousands of dollars and took a big summer trip to Europe while they worked, yea that would not have gone over well. But a small trip was not a big deal. I was still allowed to have fun from time to time, just as long as those grades stayed high.

Just how expensive is this trip anyway? It's probably a drop in the bucket compared to what you're spending on him now. I can't imagine a trip to Miami being that expensive. Most expensive is probably airfare if flying. If they're all road tripping and splitting costs that would be cheaper. Lodging is probably a split cost. Depending on how much money his friends have they might be buying groceries/drinks and splitting the cost with that. Cutting him off completely over one trip just seems like too much. Again, don't make a habit of it, but it's his first mistake. And honestly the fact that he sprung it suddenly tells me he already feels uneasy about it and possibly regretful. But now the money's spent.
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Old 01-25-2021, 06:15 PM
 
6,630 posts, read 3,080,305 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
THis - I'm guessing it's really hard finding any kind of employment these days, especially short term over summers and breaks or very specific hours that fit with a college schedule.

As loathe as I am to admit it, paying for an appreciable portion of college with part-time work really isn't feasible these days - not like in the '70's through '90's anyway.

If you really want him to pay, then you can't just say "as much as you can". But of course you don't have any idea of what he actually CAN pay, either. So start looking at loans - but at least sit him down and go over the actual cost of the loans when he gets out of college. Can he live at home to say at least room and board? That will REALLY add up if he can't.

I'm just saying, getting loans now (since you admit he'll need to anyway) will stop YOUR resentment and HIS - and as such might preserve your relationship. Good luck!
I agree on the difficulty finding jobs now. It’s just not common, particularly seasonal employment that you might have been able to find in years past. Most places still aren’t allowing restaurants and stores to operate at full capacity. They didn’t offer extended holiday hours either.

I think it’s best just to say “We’re willing to spend $X a semester” on school expenses. My parents did that with me and it worked out fine. Even if the son can’t live at home in college, he can still save money. Most schools have premium and budget options. He may have to stick with the budget options and have more roommates. I ended up moving out of the dorms my first year when I realized the meal plans were averaging $21 a day the next year with a requirement to buy one. This was in the mid-90s. I think I was able to grocery shop for under $50 a week, so it made no sense for me to continue in the dorms. Heck, even now that is more than my food budget and I buy high quality stuff.
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Old 01-25-2021, 06:24 PM
 
6,726 posts, read 7,703,933 times
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I think you need to have less subjective expectations. Be specific. Tell him that he needs to contribute $X to his education per year going forward and that if he doesn't do that, he'll need to take out loans.
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Old 01-25-2021, 06:29 PM
 
Location: ATL -> HOU -> DAL -> ATL
5,381 posts, read 4,352,092 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
As loathe as I am to admit it, paying for an appreciable portion of college with part-time work really isn't feasible these days - not like in the '70's through '90's anyway.
It really isn't. The ones I know that worked during college (<10 years ago) really didn't make a dent in their tuition. Work was for staying afloat. Shoot, an in state public school might have tuition of 10,000 a year or more. I would struggle to pay that with my full time job. I'm not drowning in money but I am comfortable. Essentially paying $833 a month in order to avoid loans would make me very uncomfortable very quickly.

And to what Middlin said, no 17/18 year old knows what they're taking on. I definitely didn't and I don't think my parents really did either. My mom just got an associates degree and for her job in the late 70s/early 80s that's all that was needed for entry level. My dad around the same time went in state public for 4 years, didn't graduate, transferred out of state and changed majors, spent 3 more years in college and then got his B.S. degree. 7 years for one degree! And 3 years out of state! But he just worked a gas station job and I don't even know if he worked during the school year. Tuition cost just wasn't a concern. Navigating the world of student loans was pretty new to him when it came time for my sister and I to go to college.
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Old 01-25-2021, 07:03 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
87,830 posts, read 81,562,175 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sedimenjerry View Post
It really isn't. The ones I know that worked during college (<10 years ago) really didn't make a dent in their tuition. Work was for staying afloat. Shoot, an in state public school might have tuition of 10,000 a year or more. I would struggle to pay that with my full time job. I'm not drowning in money but I am comfortable. Essentially paying $833 a month in order to avoid loans would make me very uncomfortable very quickly.

And to what Middlin said, no 17/18 year old knows what they're taking on. I definitely didn't and I don't think my parents really did either. My mom just got an associates degree and for her job in the late 70s/early 80s that's all that was needed for entry level. My dad around the same time went in state public for 4 years, didn't graduate, transferred out of state and changed majors, spent 3 more years in college and then got his B.S. degree. 7 years for one degree! And 3 years out of state! But he just worked a gas station job and I don't even know if he worked during the school year. Tuition cost just wasn't a concern. Navigating the world of student loans was pretty new to him when it came time for my sister and I to go to college.
What do you mean, tuition wasn't a concern for your dad? I know people who worked their way through college in the 70's and earlier, who had work-study jobs on campus, (1/2 time), plus worked summers and during all school breaks, and still had to take out loans. And that was for in-state tuition, plus food, rent or dorm, and books, of course, plus clothes. Sure, it was more doable back then than now, but it definitely was a concern.
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