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Old 01-27-2021, 05:27 AM
1,725 posts, read 2,266,931 times
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Tuition isn’t the problem. It pales in comparison to room, board and “fees.”
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Old 01-28-2021, 07:18 PM
Location: North Dakota
8,618 posts, read 10,474,569 times
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Originally Posted by RAFRAF View Post
Our college student is a freshman. He is a good student. As the parents we are aiding him financially. We are white collar-middle class working parents. Our student worked some over the summer but not excessively and taking many weeks off. He did not work at school. He did not work on break from Nov-early Jan. We pressed him to find employment. He sprung on us he is going to Miami on vacation with friends. The trip is booked without permission all non refundable. How would you react? What is a reasonable responds? We are both disappointed but disagree on how to handle this. TYIA!
Oh I don't know, cut him off? Stop enabling him. Pretty simple solution isn't it?
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Old 01-30-2021, 12:23 PM
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I wouldn't make him cancel the trip. It would be hard to enforce consequences, and this age is a balance of having fun and gaining responsibility. There's probably a good lesson in this trip.

It does sound like more boundaries and expectations need to be set around him working, what he should be paying for, and what cost he will have to his education. I think it helps for college students to have to pay some part of their education. It gives them accountability for their work and a sense of accomplishment and ownership. That said, loans are abstract numbers and documents that can make it hard to have a full appreciation, until you are actually working and paying for them. I think that's where working, and having to manage some spending money comes in to the picture. It's hard to have a concept of what it takes to make a living until you are out there doing it. So giving some gradual responsibility goes a long way.
Long story short--explain the need for him to work on breaks and summers. If you give him spending money, be up front and (mostly) firm with it. Lay out a plan for him to help contribute to the rest of his college. You can frame it as, "now that you have a year of school under your belt, this is what we are going to do going forward."
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Old 01-30-2021, 10:05 PM
26 posts, read 7,775 times
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Originally Posted by RAFRAF View Post
He is expected to help with college expenses as
Much as he can. He will have to take out loans eventually.

He is planning on using his own money for the trip. I was clear to him that there were not to be vacations while he is in college.

I thought we had firm expectations but it seems we haven’t gotten through to him.
Yes he did pay for books and some personal supplies.

Some options discussed were::
Forfeit the trip
Go on the trip but he is expected to add twice the trip amount to his college savings.
Stop funding college upfront. Let him get the loan now and help him pay it back if he is more financially responsible.
Do nothing. Explain our disappointment and understand he made a mistake.
First of all most students are in college from anywhere from 4-8 years maybe even longer.
I don’t know about you but all work and no play makes me things citydata would censor me if I said.

Second of all that’s a pretty unreasonable stipulation to put on an ADULT.
What if he finds a girl and in 2 years when he’s in a better place financially wants to propose on the beach? Are you really going to tell a grown man he can’t vacation with his significant other?

Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
I guess I'm a softie. I'd let him go and let him have his fun, with the expectation that he make the money up to you down the way.
Originally Posted by blueherons View Post
I would make him forfeit the trip.

Firstly, Miami Beach is not putting up with any Spring Breaks this year and have banned all alcohol on the beach. Previously they turned a blind eye but no longer. All Florida schools have cancelled Spring Break.

There will be no college groups on the beach. The powers that be have been very explicit in this and may ban all AirBnB bookings.

No where in Florida is welcoming college groups. They are in for a very rude awakening.
Well you can’t make a grown adult do anything especially if they paid for it themselves.
And not all people take vacations to the beach to party for spring break. I went at the beginning of March in 2019 as all the shutdowns were starting and we didn’t go to a single party or event.

We went skydiving, ate at fancy restaurants and spent a lot of time with just ourselves hanging out. Not every trip a young person takes to Florida is an all out rager.

Originally Posted by wac_432 View Post
It's weird to me that many people accept the idea that a young man (or woman) needs permission from his (or her) parents to travel these days.

OP has an ill-defined agreement to support some of the son's education until they decide not to. Son has judged that his current level of support justifies a trip to Miami. OP is not disagreeing with this, but rather that the trip was booked without permission and that the Son is not working as much as the OP would like. None of this is really the OP's business anymore.

I only see a problem with the parents' behavior, not the son's. It's time to cut the apron strings and accept that an adult child gets to make their own decisions and live their own life. Decide how much you can afford to support him, clearly communicate this to him, and then let him make his own way in the world with only occasional help and suggestions.

It would be different if the OP had raised a lazy spendthrift, but I don't see the combination of a small-ish number of working hours, offset by good grades, and a reasonable vacation as a red flag that the OP needs to step in and repair a lack of self-discipline.
Exactly. It just sounds like that rough period in a parents life after their kid turns 18 and they’re astonished their child would actually make a choice for themselves now that they could.

I turned 30 in 2019 and my mom tried to keep me from driving to Florida alone for my birthday and then stalked me via Find Friends and would yell at me if I wasn’t in my room after like 9pm or if I went down to the beach at night.

Did the same thing when I was 21 and wanted to drive from Denver to Nashville to see my grandmother. She even intercepted the cash my grandmother was sending me for the trip and tried to keep it from me and convince me to fly. I went anyways and drove and had a great time and loved the experience of being on my own, alone with only me to watch over myself. .

And when I was 19 and had a drivers license I was visiting my grandmother and my mom called her and told her not to allow me to drive to Kentucky when we went to see my Great Aunt, I was 19, in another state and my mom still had the audacity. The first thing my grandmother did after she got off the phone with my mom was tell me I was driving us to Kentucky and to not tell my mom about it. We laughed and laughed all the way there and back about how unreasonable my mom is.

So yeah some parents grow out of it quickly and others not so much.
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