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Old 02-19-2021, 02:34 PM
 
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I have always considered myself (and others consider me) a very lenient parent.

But really. Is this 14 year old girl "in love"? Or is she just in a relationship with your son kind of for the fun of it?

I would NEVER EVER have left my son with a girl for a half hour, alone, when the girl was "in love" with him.

That's how girls get pregnant.

And the families of the girls who visited my home to be with my sons had every expectation that they would NOT be left alone for a half hour. We had one family who even insisted that I, the mom, be present because they don't trust "the dad" to be watchful enough. I don't blame them. They got 4 girls through high school and college with no pregnancies. That was the goal.
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Old 02-19-2021, 03:17 PM
 
Location: Portal to the Pacific
7,095 posts, read 6,406,550 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
I have always considered myself (and others consider me) a very lenient parent.

But really. Is this 14 year old girl "in love"? Or is she just in a relationship with your son kind of for the fun of it?

I would NEVER EVER have left my son with a girl for a half hour, alone, when the girl was "in love" with him.

That's how girls get pregnant.

And the families of the girls who visited my home to be with my sons had every expectation that they would NOT be left alone for a half hour. We had one family who even insisted that I, the mom, be present because they don't trust "the dad" to be watchful enough. I don't blame them. They got 4 girls through high school and college with no pregnancies. That was the goal.
I told my son that until any girl is a legal adult that I will honor the wishes of her parents in my home. Or, if too extreme, just not allow the girl to come over at all.

Forget if they are girls or boys, they are minors...

I don’t even think he minds. In fact I think he’s in favor. He told me himself he’s not ready to have sex. He may be relieved to share the boundary-line making.
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Old 02-19-2021, 05:17 PM
 
Location: Central IL
18,150 posts, read 11,247,905 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by flyingsaucermom View Post
You think I care if the parents said not to date my son? Or if they broke up? Not really...

I wasn't one built for the k-12 dating thing... I was sorta waiting for the roads to marriage and didn't have sex or a boyfriend until I was a few months shy of 19. Even still I stumbled in romance a bit.. but I was engaged then married before I left university.

But guess what? I can pop off a list of 10 couples from my high school graduating class (or within a year of it) that are married. About half were couples through school and the other half rediscovered each other in our 20's and 30's.

With so many real life examples I morally can't automatically impose the value statement of "you're not ready" on him. Now I could say "I am not ready", but I can't tell him he's not ready... Ben and Kay, Don and Bea, Lyn and Chris, Rod and Jen, Tam and Jack... they did it... just like the professional soccer career, I seriously doubt these two young lovebirds get passed 6 months.... but you never know...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaxxrrUXKMo
Sure...people can meet their mates while still in high school. They don't have to necessarily have dated each other while in high school or messed around with each other in high school - THAT is not a prerequisite for eventually marrying. You don't happen to say how many of those who married within a year of HS graduation are still married or "doing well". I don't think of getting or being married as a goal to aspire to, especially if you end up divorced 5 years later with kids. Are you just wanting to get him "settled" as early as possible?

So sure, at 14 they can socialize in school...whenever school comes back. If your son plays sports I guess you have no qualms that if they actually go to classes. That doesn't mean they have to hang out in his room. Sure...the living room. There's nothing in his room that can't be done in the living room - I'm assuming you have laptops/notebooks/tablets available for use?
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Old 02-19-2021, 06:29 PM
 
Location: Portal to the Pacific
7,095 posts, read 6,406,550 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
Sure...people can meet their mates while still in high school. They don't have to necessarily have dated each other while in high school or messed around with each other in high school - THAT is not a prerequisite for eventually marrying. You don't happen to say how many of those who married within a year of HS graduation are still married or "doing well". I don't think of getting or being married as a goal to aspire to, especially if you end up divorced 5 years later with kids. Are you just wanting to get him "settled" as early as possible?

So sure, at 14 they can socialize in school...whenever school comes back. If your son plays sports I guess you have no qualms that if they actually go to classes. That doesn't mean they have to hang out in his room. Sure...the living room. There's nothing in his room that can't be done in the living room - I'm assuming you have laptops/notebooks/tablets available for use?
A couple of things...

1) The couples are all doing great. I'm not sure how or why this happened because I asked my sister (five years older) just recently how many couples she knew of from her graduating class and she could only count two. Most of the couples came together through the band program. The school had an exceptionally strong program in those years (but that was true for my sister's generation too). So I don't know...

2) We live in 1500 sq ft, stacked on 3 levels, with 500 ft per level. The midlevel is the great room so 500 sq ft for two stairs (one up, one down), powder room, kitchen, dining and living room. In the pandemic it's also my husband's office... and this week the kids were on a school break... but not my husband...

You might suggest our bedroom for his work, but our room is the smallest. I think it's like 117 inches by 117 inches.. basically two nightstands and the king bed and that's it... a console table for a TV as a dresser is too wide. It's a room meant for a kid. We gave the kids the largest rooms because each of them had sleepovers and more stuff. Unconventional, but it just works for our family.

But you just gave me a GREAT idea... the younger son has the bedroom on the first floor. It's actually a flex space that in other units serves as a home-based office (real estate and insurance mostly). Main street in the neighborhood... Since we don't have a business we never keep the drapes open, but I can request that he leaves the drapes open when she's comes over. The window is literally three feet from the sidewalk, ten feet from the street. Car and people passing by constantly....
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Old 02-20-2021, 12:46 AM
 
Location: Portal to the Pacific
7,095 posts, read 6,406,550 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
Sure...people can meet their mates while still in high school. They don't have to necessarily have dated each other while in high school or messed around with each other in high school - THAT is not a prerequisite for eventually marrying. You don't happen to say how many of those who married within a year of HS graduation are still married or "doing well". I don't think of getting or being married as a goal to aspire to, especially if you end up divorced 5 years later with kids. Are you just wanting to get him "settled" as early as possible?

So sure, at 14 they can socialize in school...whenever school comes back. If your son plays sports I guess you have no qualms that if they actually go to classes. That doesn't mean they have to hang out in his room. Sure...the living room. There's nothing in his room that can't be done in the living room - I'm assuming you have laptops/notebooks/tablets available for use?
I am mostly fine with remote learning and I expect it will be continued for quite some time, including next school year. I am happy that they are going to move forward with high school sports next month, including the fall and winter sports that weren't previously permitted... so my older son will play tennis for 6 weeks and then swim for another 6. I think at the state level they realized that they were really messing up older student athletes that need to take videos and get competitions done in order to apply for college teams. Apparently the students were at quite a disadvantage compared to student athletes in other areas of the country. It was all over the radio in January with lots of rallies around the state. I guess those rallies worked...

Last week kindergarten and 1st started hybrid learning for those families and teachers interested in remote learning. They will bring 2nd and 3rd grades in March. No plans to bring back 4-12 at this time.

I support hybrid learning with limited in-person instruction by teachers that feel safe offering limited in-person instruction. Some activities such as science experiments, some areas of fitness and trades work (woodwork and machining) are simply better done on campus because these are things that we can't do, or provide, ourselves.

I don't support forcing teachers back into classrooms if they don't feel safe. In my district about 65% of teachers don't feel safe. We can probably support some in-person learning, but not much, and not all subjects.
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Old 02-20-2021, 06:27 AM
 
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I wouldn't call them helicopter parents because that isolates their behavior to their child. It is not isolated to just her. They are controlling people and probably towards those they think they can get away with it. I am assuming they put importance on social standing in the community so they can make demands from others.

I was considered a helicopter parent when my daughter was younger because if another parent interjected in her interaction, the parent had to offer up an explanation to me or handle the situation to where the children understood what to do or not to do. What was important was the parent's ability to communicate boundaries. It was also important to hear them speak so that I can judge their reasoning skills. Finally, it was important to see how well they can problem solve. Of course, I can't force people to talk so I am responsible for continuing any interactions.

So in the case of the father telling the children to stop holding hands, the preferable thing to do was for the father to offer up an explanation at some point. Then the OPs son can decide how well the family communicates, how well they reason, and how well they problem solve since all of these areas will affect how well their daughter interacts with others.
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Old 02-22-2021, 06:33 PM
 
1,960 posts, read 1,953,926 times
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Serious question for the OP... do you drink and post? Cause when you’re not going on and on about your finances, specifically your expected inheritance, your post are nonsensical.
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Old 02-23-2021, 04:38 AM
 
1,061 posts, read 318,184 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by flyingsaucermom View Post
I told my son that until any girl is a legal adult that I will honor the wishes of her parents in my home. Or, if too extreme, just not allow the girl to come over at all.

Forget if they are girls or boys, they are minors...

I don’t even think he minds. In fact I think he’s in favor. He told me himself he’s not ready to have sex. He may be relieved to share the boundary-line making.
When I was that age I have memories of playing spin the bottle and going off into a closet to hook up with someone we were with in our group.. if we weren't allowed in a house we would be behind the shed somewhere. But come to think of it everyone's parents were pretty cool about being upstairs in the bedrooms as a group.

my personal opinion is I would rather provide a safe space for things that they're going to do anyway than put them in danger out in the open. With all the hooking up back then, no one went all the way until highschool. I only knew of one Middle School couple who had, but after a year long relationship. As for me, I thought I was going to save myself for the perfect person which didn't happen in highschool. I think now kids are probably more careful now than we were back then.
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Old 02-24-2021, 10:23 AM
 
Location: Portal to the Pacific
7,095 posts, read 6,406,550 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kristinas_Cap View Post
When I was that age I have memories of playing spin the bottle and going off into a closet to hook up with someone we were with in our group.. if we weren't allowed in a house we would be behind the shed somewhere. But come to think of it everyone's parents were pretty cool about being upstairs in the bedrooms as a group.

my personal opinion is I would rather provide a safe space for things that they're going to do anyway than put them in danger out in the open. With all the hooking up back then, no one went all the way until highschool. I only knew of one Middle School couple who had, but after a year long relationship. As for me, I thought I was going to save myself for the perfect person which didn't happen in highschool. I think now kids are probably more careful now than we were back then.
That's how it was back in my day. I had my first co-ed party in 6th grade. Very innocent. Parties continued through the year (birthdays) and spin the bottle was added sometime in 7th grade. I don't remember much about 8th or 9th grades I met a couple boys at band camp after 9th and 10th grades. I was so in love with the 2nd band camp boy that the infatuation lasted until college. We actually ended up at the same university, but he quit band and I kept going... ended up nearly marrying someone I met first day of band in college.

From my observation and reading things like Romeo and Juliet it's clear that young people have been hooking up since the dawn of humanity. It's not something you can realistically stop as much as manage. I'm comfortable with what the parents and I have established. I was upset with them being so forward in the beginning, but it's all fine now.
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Old 02-24-2021, 10:24 AM
 
Location: Portal to the Pacific
7,095 posts, read 6,406,550 times
Reputation: 9680
Quote:
Originally Posted by charmed hour View Post
Serious question for the OP... do you drink and post? Cause when you’re not going on and on about your finances, specifically your expected inheritance, your post are nonsensical.
No.
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