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Old 02-25-2021, 01:44 PM
 
26,906 posts, read 24,337,962 times
Reputation: 24868

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Quote:
Originally Posted by flyingsaucermom View Post
This is just a rant, but feel free to comment

This is not my romance, but my son's The young couple are both 14.

"Back in my day" (haha!) when when had middle school romances we would hang out whenever, where ever we wanted. Small enough community where everywhere was walking distance, but generally we would go to the skating rink (remember those!?), football games, the creek, each other's homes or even met back at school.

Mom's rule: "be home before dark/dinner!".

This is how I've been raising my kids too and it's been pretty smooth. They are good kids.

So this girlfriend has been wanting to come over but mom didn't allow it. They've had to meet at the grocery store or the park because Covid has closed down everything. I shrug my shoulders and stay out of it.

But today has been annoying. First of all, I'm dog sitting for a client that neglected to tell me that they believe one of the dogs is about ready to die. In fact it had been take-it-hour-by-hour over Christmas and then there were a few rough days in January...

So the first two visits yesterday were fine, but I noticed that the oldest dog was not quite right... and this morning... oh gez... very not right... as in your-dog-is-about-to-die not right. I see this about once a year or so... last time happened summer 2019 (the old girl couldn't wait and a family friend, a vet, came and took her to be euthanized before the family got back).. in my experience sometimes people and pets look for a particular opportunity that we can't judge them by. In any case, I called the client and we had a long, real conversation and we will take it visit-by-visit, but there will be no heroics and no zooming home as long as doggy is comfortable. I wish I had had a head's up, but whatever, it's THEIR DOG, THEIR CHOICE...

In truth.. doggy DOES seem comfortable, but a kind of "hospice comfortable" if you've been around a lot of old and dying creatures you know what I mean...

I digress...

So I've got this deathbed doggy situation going on when my son says at 1:55pm "my girlfriend is coming over and so is the mom. At 2:45pm.". I'm like, "Cool! I just cleaned the house nicely this morning... I got time to bake a cake... I can even put on matching socks!".

But 2:45 came and went... so did 3:00 and 3:15 and finally at 3:30 I told my son that I needed to check in on the dogs (they live 2 streets over)....

By the time I left and got back (dog was okay, just asleep) the kids were with my son at the park. I had missed the mom.

Then this weird situation happened... the kids came and stood in front of the doorway, but couldn't come in.. at the same time the mom called me and then I was then put in a conference call with her and her husband. I apologized for my absence, explained the situation and then the mom said, "oh it's a good thing you let me know about the dog, because dogs are really important to me". And then it became this weird thing... like mom said, "well, we don't know you and we barely know your son.. and I was THAT kind of mom that knew all the elementary kids, but now this is middle school boundaries and I don't know you or these new kids". Then dad chimed in "this is our daughter and we are in different times where we need to build trust and a safe environment, etc..." And I said, "Okay, let's get down to the nuts and bolts shall we? You guys tell me your expectations and we'll follow them.. open doors? constant chaperoning? do you want me to text you with an update every half hour?" They said they would like for us to monitor them at least every half hour, keep them on the main floor. Updates not necessary.

Of course I'm updating them.

Mom texted back "we really appreciate it"

I bet you do, mom.. I bet you do....

Now can you guys explain why do I feel so dirty and guilty? Like I'm doing something wrong simply being the mom of a 14 year boy? Or was it because I was checking on the dog when they all arrived and this absence somehow means I intended for there to be a group orgy in my living room? (never mind they were 45 minutes late)

I'm trying to put myself in their shoes. What if I had the girl? What if my daughter was wanting to go over to her boyfriend's home? But honestly.... in this neighborhood... with these uppity, hyper-parenting, type A managerial and professional classes... I wouldn't have had a conference call. I would give my girl a phone and make her call me. And I would call her if I had concerns.

Different strokes for different folks I guess... I'll make sure everyone keeps their clothes on and be pleasant to mom and dad....

But I just want to say that I feel WAY more stressed out by girlfriend's parents hovering over the phone waiting for the next text than I do about handing my client's dying dog.
Its not you its them.
I feel you. My grands (I have custody) first love at that age (end of 7th grade) . Her folks were way worse. She would never have been allowed over our house. He was at hers once. They all sat on the couch while her dad gave him the stink eye the whole time.
I meet the parents, we went to church with them. Her mom and I had to accompany them during all their "dates" including church, church events, the movies and the park, fundraisers for ball games, etc. We literally sat right next to them the entire time they were anywhere together.
It was awkward and stressful and I was overjoyed when they "broke up" their freshman year. He broke it off finally because she was afraid to walk out of the school building together after a 4-H meeting because they were waiting for her outside. He finally got tired of all the BS and being treated like a criminal for being a boy by her family.
Pray this romance wont last long.
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Old 03-01-2021, 11:52 AM
 
31 posts, read 8,936 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Riley. View Post
Without getting into a back and forth, it was my impression from your first and subsequent posts that you would take a much more relaxed attitude with your son and his girlfriend hanging out. And by 'hands off' I meant letting them socialize unsupervised. (baking a cake, clearing your schedule, or putting on matching socks wasn't what I meant).

I do think it's really important to establish a relationship where you and your son can honestly communicate with one another, but I have always thought that first and foremost, a parent is a 'parent,' and not a friend so much, at least not at 14, whether or not he is arriving at independence earlier than most kids.
His comment to you about his girlfriend's father's request to not hold hands seemed disrespectful and flip. You referred to it as 'gallows humor' (that's not what gallows humor is) and don't seem to have used it as an opportunity to 'guide.'

If it were me, I'd meet the parents in-person (or on Zoom, so you at least know what they look like LOL), discuss the romance and expectations and go from there. I would also educate my son about the importance of birth control, because this is where it might be headed, either with her or another young lady.
His comment was sarcastic and funny.
Holding hands is innocent and sweet and it’s understandable the boys attitude toward the dad making an issue over hand holding.

I still make sarcastic comments like this one at almost 32.

The toilet in the bathroom my brother and I shared as teens always clogged, the kid ripped toilet paper off the roll like he was a ribbon dancer, long flowly majestic trails of tp.

Yet my mom blamed me almost every time and never him even though he went thru toilet paper like crazy.
Finally it clogged so bad she had to call a plumber to fix it and I distinctly remember standing outside of the bathroom before the plumber got there getting yelled at to “come clean” what was clogging the toilet and that the plumber would find whatever it was and I’d be in so much trouble.

She was CONVINCED I flushed a condom down the toilet and after listening to her tirade long enough I snapped at her and said “oh yeah and there’s like 7-8 down there, the largest ones they make, it was a good ole fashioned gang bang, I don’t even remember their names.” and stormed off to my room.

Know what the plumber pulled out? Toilet paper and hair, lots of it. Don’t flush hair down the toilet.

I didn’t get a single apology, I was 17, a chubby loser and a virgin and getting yelled at for flushing a used condom when boys didn’t even look in my direction was adding insult to injury.

Making jokes and sarcasm are coping mechanisms. If people don’t like coping mechanisms being used then stop giving people a reason to use them lol.
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Old 03-02-2021, 09:37 AM
 
Location: Portal to the Pacific
7,095 posts, read 6,406,550 times
Reputation: 9680
Quote:
Originally Posted by skysthelimit89 View Post
His comment was sarcastic and funny.
Holding hands is innocent and sweet and it’s understandable the boys attitude toward the dad making an issue over hand holding.

I still make sarcastic comments like this one at almost 32.

The toilet in the bathroom my brother and I shared as teens always clogged, the kid ripped toilet paper off the roll like he was a ribbon dancer, long flowly majestic trails of tp.

Yet my mom blamed me almost every time and never him even though he went thru toilet paper like crazy.
Finally it clogged so bad she had to call a plumber to fix it and I distinctly remember standing outside of the bathroom before the plumber got there getting yelled at to “come clean” what was clogging the toilet and that the plumber would find whatever it was and I’d be in so much trouble.

She was CONVINCED I flushed a condom down the toilet and after listening to her tirade long enough I snapped at her and said “oh yeah and there’s like 7-8 down there, the largest ones they make, it was a good ole fashioned gang bang, I don’t even remember their names.” and stormed off to my room.

Know what the plumber pulled out? Toilet paper and hair, lots of it. Don’t flush hair down the toilet.

I didn’t get a single apology, I was 17, a chubby loser and a virgin and getting yelled at for flushing a used condom when boys didn’t even look in my direction was adding insult to injury.

Making jokes and sarcasm are coping mechanisms. If people don’t like coping mechanisms being used then stop giving people a reason to use them lol.
Good for you.

My husband uses his sharp wit in a same way when he complains to me about stuff in the world bothering him (politics, work, random incidents out in the world).... Takes the person's unfounded concern and amplifies it to the ridiculous (sometimes it doesn't take much effort) Very effective. I have no doubt that if he weren't venting to me, but actually saying these things to people's faces it would leave them speechless and feeling dumb, which is precisely because they were being dumb/unreasonable. The approach seems so watertight that I there have been a few times I've replicated in arguments with him and, to be honest, it worked too well. It's a sure way to make someone really mad!

There has to be a linguist or logics professor that have studied this.

The smartest people make the best use of sarcasm and jokes.
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Old Today, 05:14 PM
 
2,208 posts, read 890,229 times
Reputation: 7764
Quote:
Originally Posted by flyingsaucermom View Post
I was going to try to win everyone over with chocolate cake, but I absolutely think the parents would totally go for parts of this.....

Should I mention our net worth and what our son is to inherit? I could line item our assets and submit our tax returns for cross referencing... have our financial advisors submit growth projections for our investments... real estate appreciation on our 3 properties... submit a certified copy of the inventory on my mom's estate (I will receive half later in the year)....

Jez, I totally blew this opportunity. I was only offering cake....
I am enjoying your humor. As for only letting their daughter see your son with her other friends around.....hahaha! They will be only too happy to wander off for a while to give them some privacy.

It is understandable to only allow them at each others homes when adults are present. I would also not allow them to be in his bedroom, but that's me. I know some parents just say keep the door open. I feel visiting can take place in the living room, family room, outside......places where I would be entertaining friends if they came over. And with Covid I'd want them outside as much as possible.
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