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Old 02-17-2021, 04:18 PM
 
12,607 posts, read 14,793,642 times
Reputation: 18841

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Quote:
Originally Posted by E-Twist View Post
I wonder how long you could be gone before your children would notice. You could do an experiment, with your wife's cooperation. Plan on being gone for a week. Don't say anything to them, just be gone. Go fishing or take a vacation, whatever you like. Your wife would have to say she doesn't know where you are if they asked. See how many days before they start wondering or get worried. It would really depend on your wife keeping a straight face.
Vegas baby! 8 balls and hookers until the credit cards get maxxed out or you get arrested!
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Old 02-17-2021, 04:39 PM
 
Location: Sacramento CA
1,678 posts, read 494,184 times
Reputation: 3817
You are planting seeds.

I remember thinking I knew more than my father did. By 18 years old, I was at my arrogant dumbest, thinking I knew everything about everything. Then, the older I got, the smarter my father got.

They often can't see your wisdom yet, but if you impart your wisdom on them steadily, it will eventually take hold and they will see it through their mistakes. With any luck, they will only make their mistakes once as your wisdom makes more and more sense to them as they get older. Then at some point, they might even start just assuming what you said "way back then" holds true and start following it.

Young people often have to burn their fingers on the Christmas lights before they are ready to listen to Dad about how hot the oven is.
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Old 02-17-2021, 06:24 PM
 
1,009 posts, read 333,518 times
Reputation: 2635
Quote:
Originally Posted by SeminoleTom View Post
Hi-
I swear all I feel like at times is the person that pays the bills. No one really listens to me on advice, or really even comes to me for advice. My wife said that's not true but it feels like it. Our kids are good kids but they would rather be on their phones or playing video games, etc. My 17 year old son, who is going to be a pilot spends all of his time learning the ins and outs of that profession. The ironic thing is he didn't get that from me. He got it from my wife's side. I actually hate flying and am generally not a thrill seeker.

To be more specific, on the careers angle, I guess I just wish one of them would be interested in the engineering/computers/math route. I've been encouraging it for years and it seems all the kids hate math...lol. As I mentioned the 17 year old chose a career I have no interest in at all.

I don't know, its not really what I envisioned as what it was going to be like as a father. I know teenage years are rough years and I'm feeling that. I try to stay positive with whatever they are doing, just feels like whenever I'm needed is when its time to pay the bills and if someone needs something. Is this normal?

Thanks for thoughts and advice.
OP read the bolded again and realize how fortunate you are. Your son found something he loves and at his young age is motivated to work at it. That's a wonderful thing!

Do you think that your being in the home, providing for their needs, showing what a responsible husband and father looks like and creating stability and safety for them has had anything to do with them being "good kids?" I think you know the answer to that.

You've mentioned twice about the kids getting traits from your wife's family as if that's a negative. Your kids are a combination of both of you and even if they showed no similarities, why would that matter? They're their own people and that's how it should be.

You sound a bit resentful for having to pay the bills. That's what a parent is supposed to do (without complaining ; ) So many people have lost their livelihoods through no fault of their own. Be grateful for what you have and what you can provide. Your family needs you for so much more than just paying bills or career advice. Doctors' kids can grow up to be actors and musicians' kids can grow up to be engineers. They aren't little clones of their parents and that's not a bad thing.
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Old 02-17-2021, 10:18 PM
 
Location: Sandy Eggo's North County
2,652 posts, read 887,666 times
Reputation: 3627
Quote:
Originally Posted by aquietpath View Post
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

― Mark Twain

Got to love Mark Twain!
And when you're 35, you'd give anything to have a chat with him...
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Old 02-18-2021, 07:33 AM
 
1,009 posts, read 333,518 times
Reputation: 2635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Apolitical Blues View Post
I did not come to appreciate my father for the man he was until I was well into my 30s. During my teens and early 20s I alternated between resentment and pity. Those years were a time that I was trying to define who I was. I only knew I didn’t want to be him. When I got older I became grateful that I did acquire many of my strengths and character from him. Being a parent is not always rewarding but being there for your kids means more than you may ever know.
Exactly. The OP isn't seeing how important his presence is.
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Old 02-18-2021, 08:06 AM
 
6,067 posts, read 8,263,904 times
Reputation: 6498
Hang in there. Your kids will grow up and at some point most adults come to appreciate their parents a lot more. In the mean time, sounds like you're doing a good job but if you want to do something about this now, look for ways to spend some quality time with your kids - maybe one on one -something fun now and then - family board game night, walking the dog together, going to a movie together, etc. It is harder when they are teens, yes, but there are still little chances here and there.
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Old 02-18-2021, 10:44 AM
 
12,212 posts, read 3,608,409 times
Reputation: 10290
Quote:
Originally Posted by SeminoleTom View Post
Hi-
I swear all I feel like at times is the person that pays the bills. No one really listens to me on advice, or really even comes to me for advice. My wife said that's not true but it feels like it. Our kids are good kids but they would rather be on their phones or playing video games, etc. My 17 year old son, who is going to be a pilot spends all of his time learning the ins and outs of that profession. The ironic thing is he didn't get that from me. He got it from my wife's side. I actually hate flying and am generally not a thrill seeker.

To be more specific, on the careers angle, I guess I just wish one of them would be interested in the engineering/computers/math route. I've been encouraging it for years and it seems all the kids hate math...lol. As I mentioned the 17 year old chose a career I have no interest in at all.

I don't know, its not really what I envisioned as what it was going to be like as a father. I know teenage years are rough years and I'm feeling that. I try to stay positive with whatever they are doing, just feels like whenever I'm needed is when its time to pay the bills and if someone needs something. Is this normal?

Thanks for thoughts and advice.
All kids are glued to their phones all the time. It's not just you. Drives me batty. But I have friends who do it, too. Heck, my husband does it in his off time.

They are interested in what they are interested in. It's not about you. Seems a little self absorbed to me.
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Old 02-18-2021, 03:46 PM
 
Location: Atlanta
5,440 posts, read 4,392,390 times
Reputation: 4517
Quote:
Originally Posted by Igor Blevin View Post
You are planting seeds.

I remember thinking I knew more than my father did. By 18 years old, I was at my arrogant dumbest, thinking I knew everything about everything. Then, the older I got, the smarter my father got.

They often can't see your wisdom yet, but if you impart your wisdom on them steadily, it will eventually take hold and they will see it through their mistakes. With any luck, they will only make their mistakes once as your wisdom makes more and more sense to them as they get older. Then at some point, they might even start just assuming what you said "way back then" holds true and start following it.

Young people often have to burn their fingers on the Christmas lights before they are ready to listen to Dad about how hot the oven is.
Yep, a lot of what OP says to his children may not get a warm reception (or any reception at all). But that doesn't mean his words aren't being heard.
At age 17 a comment may get brushed aside. But at age 25 the son might say to himself "hmm, dad was always saying something about ____, maybe I should think about that" or "ohhh now it makes sense". Some things will take hold.

And some lessons really are about timing. There was only so much I could learn about leasing a new car at that age or taxes or whatever. I've asked my parents plenty of questions throughout my 20s (and still do) when something applies to me for the first time. Maintain a good relationship and they'll seek out that knowledge.
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Old Yesterday, 07:37 AM
 
755 posts, read 277,881 times
Reputation: 2976
I'm curious if OP is also including his wife as someone who treats him this way? He called the post "As a husband and father..." so it would be interesting to find out if he means he feels this way as a husband too.
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Old Yesterday, 02:00 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
28,211 posts, read 18,607,867 times
Reputation: 44082
Do not overlook the importance of “paying the bills!” Your financial support allows the kids time to explore their interests and abilities. I do agree about doing a family thing from time to time. It should be a fun thing. Or, possibly you could take one of the kids at a time out for breakfast or lunch. Don’t expect instant bonding or anything, but if you got the kid talking about being a pilot or another keen interest, you might learn about his/her obsession.

In my observation, it seems to me that kids get such things as mental habits, ways of attacking a problem, and ideas about themselves from their parents, rather than specific talents. But, of course, outcomes will vary between families.

But your providing stability in their lives is important. Do not undervalue that. However, try to invest yourself in their interests. Extend yourself more in trying to understand them, and less in wanting them to share your interests.
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