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Old 02-28-2021, 07:15 AM
 
Location: northern New England
3,932 posts, read 1,969,368 times
Reputation: 14970

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Alternatively, you could rent him a room in a cheap motel or rooming house, move his stuff in there and change the locks while he is out. Give him his new address when he comes back. If he wants to stay there after a month, he can get a job.


Or can you change the wifi password so that he doesn't have it?
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Old 02-28-2021, 08:20 AM
 
Location: Philadelphia, PA
362 posts, read 71,743 times
Reputation: 499
Some people are just lazy, inconsiderate jerks.


My mom is always making excuses for people's crappy behavior ... She's talked to way too many therapists. Some people are just creeps. Nothing more, nothing less.


I'm tired of hearing about "Oh, he/she has problems."


It's like the quiet person who gets labeled as 'shy.' The majority of quiet, standoffish people I knew/know were nothing more than uppity, unfriendly, miserable human beings who thought their you-know-what didn't stink.

Last edited by Hedonism; 02-28-2021 at 08:30 AM..
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Old 02-28-2021, 11:09 AM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic east coast
5,770 posts, read 10,674,117 times
Reputation: 11509
A habitual weed addiction can lead to behavior of having no ambition.

I think his addiction needs addressing first--how that's done is up to the parents with help of experts.

If son has to be kicked out to address his addiction by hitting bottom, it's tough love for sure, but may be the only way to interrupt and change this downward cycle.

Allowing this irresponsible behavior and dis-respect to continue is doing no one any good...
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Old 02-28-2021, 11:48 AM
 
6,497 posts, read 10,673,503 times
Reputation: 11025
I haven't read the responses, so let me tell you about my brother and how we handled it. We are in California, USA.

For nearly 60 years, my entitled idiot of a brother was a problem for the whole family. Mouthy, violent, etc. My mom can no longer care for herself, she gave me, my sister, and another brother power of attorney. We simply served him with an order to vacate within 60 days (it would be 30 days if he lived there for less than a year). No court filing, just an official notice on his bedroom door. At the end of 60 days, we called the sheriff and they removed his obnoxious behind.

Life is beautiful without him. Tell your parents not to let it go for 60 years like my mom did.
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Old 02-28-2021, 01:55 PM
 
507 posts, read 122,990 times
Reputation: 857
Quote:
Originally Posted by calgirlinnc View Post
It’s entirely possible that your brother is suffering from depression.

Depression in adolescent and young adult males often looks different than depression in adults. The anger and hostility are classic hallmarks of depression in young males.

The excessive pot smoking (which is substance abuse) could well be your brother’s attempt to self-medicate.

I know this is awful and hard, but it’s entirely possible that when your brother speaks this way, it is his mental illness talking. I also wonder if he has undiagnosed learning disabilities, which is why he dropped out of high school twice.

I entirely support your parent’s desire to have your brother move out, but without psychological and psychiatric help, he is doomed to failure.

Please consult with a medical doctor and also social support services (not sure what you have in Canada). Your brother needs help, and help is available. Therapy plus medication changes lives. Have you considered rehab for him?

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publ...on/index.shtml

If you Google “anger as a symptom of depression”, you will find many more articles detailing this. Also search for “unusual symptoms of depression”.
This is an excellent post from someone who knows their stuff. It is compassionate, insightful and spot on. The other posters, bless their hearts, have never had to deal with someone with a serious mental illness.
OP, I don't mean to scare you but your brother needs to go to a psychiatrist. He may need meds. He doesn't have to live like this (you know he doesn't feel good about himself, right?) Your brother deserves to feel better. After he stabilizes then maybe look into a job coach, counseling, pay his rent for 3 months etc.

Initially it may feel better to kick him out or have the police escort him out. (That would be a very traumatic situation for ALL I can tell you). Depression is a very painful thing to go through and it causes such suffering for all involved. Your brother, typical of depression, is mired in inertia, and is not able to take a step forward. It's a process. Keep the lines of communication open and see if he'll go for just a few sessions. Whatever it takes. Brains get sick. If he was in an unstable condition due to physical causes would you just kick him without some support?
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Old 02-28-2021, 02:03 PM
 
Location: Southern New Hampshire
8,453 posts, read 14,578,090 times
Reputation: 27428
Quote:
Originally Posted by calgirlinnc View Post
... You can’t understand it because you haven’t been depressed.
Really? DEPRESSION causes a jerk of a kid to call his mother a b**ch?

No, it doesn't. And I HAVE been clinically depressed several times in my life so I DO know what it's like.

Quote:
Originally Posted by calgirlinnc View Post
Depression reduces your drive and you don’t feel as though it’s worth trying to do anything.
There is a difference between laziness and depression.
Yes, there is (although to outside observers they often look the same), BUT at some point the depressed person has to GET HELP. That person's friends/relatives don't have to ENDLESSLY support said person even when he is being an absolute jerk. (IMHO, you are WAY too easily excusing crappy behavior.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by calgirlinnc View Post
I didn’t say your parents would be to blame.

I said they would blame themselves.

Big difference.

You are not a parent, and you cannot possibly understand the guilt your parents are already feeling.
JUST STOP ALREADY. Not all parents would feel guilty kicking their lazy, jerk of a kid OUT if he is doing absolutely NOTHING to deserve to stay in the house once he reaches adulthood (which for me is age 18 or just after high school graduation).

OP, I hope you can convince your parents to kick him out. He's a freeloader and a useless human being at this point. I hope he wakes up and gets help, but if he doesn't, it is NOT your fault, NOR your parents' fault.
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Old 02-28-2021, 02:21 PM
 
Location: Kirkland, WA (Metro Seattle)
5,330 posts, read 4,251,968 times
Reputation: 10572
Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
I haven't read the responses, so let me tell you about my brother and how we handled it. We are in California, USA.

For nearly 60 years, my entitled idiot of a brother was a problem for the whole family. Mouthy, violent, etc. My mom can no longer care for herself, she gave me, my sister, and another brother power of attorney. We simply served him with an order to vacate within 60 days (it would be 30 days if he lived there for less than a year). No court filing, just an official notice on his bedroom door. At the end of 60 days, we called the sheriff and they removed his obnoxious behind.

Life is beautiful without him. Tell your parents not to let it go for 60 years like my mom did.
There wasn't any need to read the others. Some say "Mental Illness" and outreach needed for services. Perhaps! Others, that he's basically a bum and needs to be removed by whatever legal means necessary.

Like the above, in California. After 60 years, just wow. I guess it's vagrancy after that or where ever losers go when homeless.

GF is going through this right now, with her stepson from a prior marriage. He's 22 and has a temper problem. Just fired from another job for telling both the boss and another employee to...uh...you can guess, it was short and not so sweet. Somehow that ended both the job and his place to stay: didn't catch how nor do I care. She threw him out year and a half ago, he threatened violence but for some reason the cops were NOT involved so not sure there's a record of behavior to fall back on.

The bum of a kid ...YA I suppose.... "smokes pot" all day and does a lotta nothing. He was thrown out of his birth mom's house, then couch surfed and was tossed from there, now the above. I would think he'd wise up. Whether he does or not is no one's problem but his. I don't try to solve it but do find it interesting.

My dad would have none of that and I left on my own partially when 17 (went away to college) and was fully on my own at 20 in that same college town. There was no home left to go back to that did not involve paying rent, I was told, and by that time I figured: "Fair enough!" Sometimes it's parenting. Other times, mental illness may in-fact play a role. It depends!
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Old 02-28-2021, 02:23 PM
 
Location: In a George Strait Song
6,377 posts, read 4,542,881 times
Reputation: 8924
Quote:
Originally Posted by karen_in_nh_2012 View Post
Really? DEPRESSION causes a jerk of a kid to call his mother a b**ch?

No, it doesn't. And I HAVE been clinically depressed several times in my life so I DO know what it's like.
Yes, when depression manifests as rage. Serious anger is a symptom of other mental conditions as well.

https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/vie...ted-aggression

This is not a 40 year old with depression. Males not far out of adolescence with depression often present differently than middle aged adults. Males often present differently than females.

I am presenting it as a possibility. Because without therapy and possibly meds, her brother may not be able to help himself.

And of course the parents feel guilty. I guarantee you they feel like they failed him and constantly ask themselves what they did wrong.

ETA: even should the brother get kicked out of the house, he is still the parent’s son...he will still have problems...kicking him out of the house doesn’t magically fix everything.

Last edited by calgirlinnc; 02-28-2021 at 02:44 PM..
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Old 02-28-2021, 03:26 PM
 
17,804 posts, read 8,099,173 times
Reputation: 14463
Quote:
Originally Posted by phinneas j. whoopee View Post
In MY DAY dad would have popped open a can of whoopass on jr. long ago.
These days, doing that will get one a visit from CPS.

That said, the OP's brother is an adult. Thus the parents aren't forced to keep supporting the mooch.
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Old 02-28-2021, 04:34 PM
 
Location: NY
417 posts, read 166,023 times
Reputation: 1167
I remember a co-worker telling me about a friend of his from high school. He was showing no ambition, I guess he figured he'd
"coast" and "mooch" through life somehow. His parents got fed up and kicked him out of the house. He started couching it
at the homes of a few friends. Eventually, they got tired of him and told him to leave. What woke him up? He had to spend
two nights at a men's shelter. He NEVER wanted to do that again so he got a job, found a small place, and became independent.

I have a grammar school friend who is a textbook example of why parents shouldn't spoil or "enable" their kids. She was the "baby" and
only girl (two older brothers). I remember we took a vacation once in our early 20s and she said, "I wonder if my mother packed
my other bathing suit." I was shocked and said, "Your mother packed your suitcase?" The mother always cooked, cleaned up after her, fawned over her. (No, the girl is not disabled). This girl has a long history of quitting jobs. She made an attempt at
independence by joining the Navy in her mid 20s. She lasted 2.5 years which was a surprise to all who knew her. But once out,
she went back to her old non ambitious ways with her parents and one older brother picking up the slack for her. She lives in
a house with her older brother (his house) and her elderly mother. She is helping her elderly mother a lot now. She was never
"wild" but she always knew no matter what, if she didn't like a job she could always quit because her family would never kick her out!! It's a very sorry situation. And deep down, this girl truly isn't happy. I
think it's now been 20 years since she had a regular job. (I don't think this girl ever paid rent in her whole life!!)
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