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Old 02-28-2021, 04:34 PM
Location: Mid-Atlantic east coast
5,778 posts, read 10,674,117 times
Reputation: 11510


The son is not too depressed to play video games all day.

He's not too depressed to smoke weed every day.

He's not too depressed to call his mother names.

Seems his depression is working for him fine...
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Old 02-28-2021, 04:36 PM
2,838 posts, read 959,330 times
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Originally Posted by Blondebaerde View Post
There wasn't any need to read the others. Some say "Mental Illness" and outreach needed for services. Perhaps! Others, that he's basically a bum and needs to be removed by whatever legal means necessary.

Like the above, in California. After 60 years, just wow. I guess it's vagrancy after that or where ever losers go when homeless.

GF is going through this right now, with her stepson from a prior marriage. He's 22 and has a temper problem. Just fired from another job for telling both the boss and another employee to...uh...you can guess, it was short and not so sweet. Somehow that ended both the job and his place to stay: didn't catch how nor do I care. She threw him out year and a half ago, he threatened violence but for some reason the cops were NOT involved so not sure there's a record of behavior to fall back on.

The bum of a kid ...YA I suppose.... "smokes pot" all day and does a lotta nothing. He was thrown out of his birth mom's house, then couch surfed and was tossed from there, now the above. I would think he'd wise up. Whether he does or not is no one's problem but his. I don't try to solve it but do find it interesting.

My dad would have none of that and I left on my own partially when 17 (went away to college) and was fully on my own at 20 in that same college town. There was no home left to go back to that did not involve paying rent, I was told, and by that time I figured: "Fair enough!" Sometimes it's parenting. Other times, mental illness may in-fact play a role. It depends!
I agree, we (as CD members) simply have no way of knowing whether this is a case of "selfish, immature, lazy, bum", or "depressed, immature, needs psychiatric care, victim". Since the remedies for each are different, it is incumbent on the parents to determine which it is.

I would advise them to formally notify Sonny Boy, in writing, that they are planning on evicting him because of his behavior - BUT - if he agrees to go to counseling (where he can be diagnosed by a professional), they will postpone eviction. What needs to be made abundantly clear, is that the present situation is completely unacceptable, and is going to change drastically, starting "Now". It would probably help if they did a couple of sessions with a family therapy service before notifying Sonny, in order to prepare a plan and learn what to expect.

Whatever they do, they need to have a plan, including contingencies for if he goes off on them (because he's going to feel angry and betrayed), if he threatens suicide, if he refuses to leave, if he shows up on their doorstep a month later and needs hospitalization, etc.. Older Sis needs to stay out of it as much as possible, she may be needed in the future as a mediator of some sort. No matter the causation, their son is likely not going to do well on his own, and they need to determine beforehand how far down that rabbit hole they are willing to let him go, and need to prepare themselves for it if it happens. Mom and Dad need to decide if they want to simply cut him loose and then que sera, sera, or whether they want to do what's necessary to turn him into a functioning adult, which they failed to do the first time around. And they also need to know that may not be possible, there are tens of thousands of homeless in the U.S. that prove that.
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Old 02-28-2021, 04:37 PM
510 posts, read 122,990 times
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Originally Posted by MINAKOS View Post
Thanks for sharing. Before he started partying and hanging with the wrong crowd, he had excellent grades (all in the 90s). I think he's just gotten way too comfortable with being lazy, and he dropped school because he couldn't motivate himself to go attend classes. I don't believe he's depressed, especially when he's hyper most of the time, but wouldn't be shocked if he's bipolar or something along that line. But with that being said, there's no way he would ever agree, let alone go seek help. Help is always available, but only if you go seek it, and he never would. He would never even agree that he has a problem at all. So if there's nothing we can do to have him go better himself, isn't kicking him out the next best thing? If it were me, that would sure push me to fix up my life or at least motivate me to work to be able to survive.
There are all kinds of resources online that could help with finding strategies to convince him to get help. There are even whole books devoted to the subject. It's a process I'm sure but not insurmountable. There are also groups of people who meet and discuss this very topic. They could help your parents as others have been through this very thing. Your parents wouldn't have to feel so alone. You'll all feel better if you start taking some small steps. It's easy for everyone to feel powerless in this situation. Counseling wouldn't be a bad idea for your parents to discuss how to deal with this situation.

Your parents want him to be happy and lead his own life. Your brother wants that for himself, too.

OP, I hope you find the resources that you need and wish you and your family good luck on your journey.
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Old 02-28-2021, 05:15 PM
Location: northern New England
3,935 posts, read 1,969,368 times
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Originally Posted by calgirlinnc View Post
Yes, when depression manifests as rage. Serious anger is a symptom of other mental conditions as well.


This is not a 40 year old with depression. Males not far out of adolescence with depression often present differently than middle aged adults. Males often present differently than females.

I am presenting it as a possibility. Because without therapy and possibly meds, her brother may not be able to help himself.

And of course the parents feel guilty. I guarantee you they feel like they failed him and constantly ask themselves what they did wrong.

ETA: even should the brother get kicked out of the house, he is still the parent’s son...he will still have problems...kicking him out of the house doesn’t magically fix everything.
What if he refuses to go for counseling or therapy? What then?
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Old 02-28-2021, 05:16 PM
Location: Indianapolis, East Side
2,110 posts, read 1,077,915 times
Reputation: 5222
OP, I know how frustrating it is to live in your situation. But it's not up to you to straighten this out. Your brother isn't your son, the house isn't yours, and you're not a mental health professional or lawyer in a position to offer advice.

Let your parents work this out, even if you don't approve of the way they do it. When you have your own place, you can run it however you like--and I'm sure you'd resent your parents if they interfered the way you're trying to do.
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Old 02-28-2021, 06:48 PM
Location: Thousand Oaks, CA
5,699 posts, read 2,068,445 times
Reputation: 5561
The fact that he is still under the roof after calling your mom that explains how this all came to be. Good luck encouraging your parents to enforce their boundaries at this point.
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Old 02-28-2021, 10:15 PM
11,880 posts, read 9,803,914 times
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Would your parents consider renting a place for your brother, paying the deposit and perhaps six months' rent? I have no idea if they could afford to do this, but it would buy time and get your brother out of the house and at least partially on his own. He could still come over for Sunday dinner, or even to do his laundry (he should do it, not your mother).

If this is done, your parents should make clear to your brother that after the six months are gone, it will be up to him to pay the rent or find other living quarters, and that he cannot then just move back home.

Good luck to your family.
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Old 02-28-2021, 10:37 PM
5,789 posts, read 5,090,732 times
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This problem has been a long time developing. From the first time that your parents (and the older sibs) became aware that he was using marijuana, and didn't do anything about it. From the first summer after age 16 that he didn't work, but did nothing productive instead. From the first time that he refused to help with household chores, or wasn't expected to do any.

Yes, he probably does have a mental health issue, since the older kids in the house apparently just understood that they were supposed to go to school, work, and do well. But it's also likely poor parenting, with no consequences for bad behavior.

Anyway, if your parents are ready to tell him, "You will not use drugs ever again if you want to live in this house, you will work and pay market rent if you want to live in this house, and otherwise you will leave now" - then fine. You and the older sibs need to speak with your parents and see what they want to do. If they're ready to lay down the law, I think it would probably be the best thing that ever happened to this young man. And if he doesn't comply, and they kick him out, he may have an epiphany when he winds up in a homeless shelter. Or he may wind up in an early grave.

You can get him help if he is willing to stop using drugs. If he's not, nothing is going to help him while he's still doing drugs.

If your parents are unwilling to lay down the law (which I suspect is the case, since after all, this has been going on for SO long), then probably it's time for the rest of you to move out. It's really too bad, but when parents are unwilling to set boundaries on one adult child's behavior, the old-country model of the family living together until a child marries or moves far away for a high-power job just cannot work anymore.
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Old Yesterday, 06:29 AM
300 posts, read 110,153 times
Reputation: 600
Get him off the drugs and send him to the military.
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Old Yesterday, 06:48 AM
1,934 posts, read 781,093 times
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There are countless Dr. Phil episodes on this. In the end, the advice is the same, boot the kid. Letting them live at home without working is a nowhere situation. Personally, IMHO the name calling is a reason to change the locks period. Its verbal and emotional abuse.

The neighbor behind me has a son living in the apartment above his garage. The son pays no rent, the father pays the car insurance and the son can't keep a job. The son just turned 50. They are now in their late '70's, very ill and are stuck with this kid. This is what will happen if something isn't done now.

Where I live, the process is to contact the sheriff with the day and time of the eviction or door lock changing, so they can be near in case violence erupts.

I don't agree that just going to counseling is enough; its a step but there are a lot of bad counselors out there who will just enable this. If he is so depressed he can't work, he should be hospitalized. He can help around the house, wash windows, clean gutters, mow lawns.

Last edited by webster; Yesterday at 07:31 AM..
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