Any advice on kicking out adult son by force? (teens, support, games)
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To preface everything, I live in Canada but in my culture, it's completely normal for kids to live with their parents until either marriage or some big career move reason. It's actually an expectation. So my siblings and I, now in our 20s, still live with our parents. We help around the house, assist with the parents' business, are in the middle of degrees and have jobs, too.
Except of course, the youngest son (my youngest brother). For some reason, during his teens, he became drawn to the partying lifestyle. As the years went by, he became disrespectful to everyone, starting breaking all house rules, got obsessed with smoking weed and being super lazy with no ambitions, such as dropping out of high school twice, failing classes left and right, waking up in the afternoons, and never looking for a job. He even punched a hole in the wall last summer due to his random anger issues (such as getting extremely angry after losing a game online). There has been so much fighting in our home because of him, but time after time, my parents' forgiving nature always ended up letting him continue living with us. They just believed he's in a bad phase he'll eventually come out of. However, he's now 20, and nothing has changed. He sleeps all day, and when he's finally awake by night, he just smokes weed and plays video games. He doesn't listen to anyone, has no job or life plans, and said the other day that he doesn't care about money and just wants to live like this forever. At last, my parents realized he's just not going to go anywhere in life with this kind of perpetual behaviour, and started thinking about kicking him out.
Today, my mom was trying to talk to him about coming to help with at least the family business so he can learn to support himself independently. He seemed to be ignoring her and tapping his phone on the table in an angry way (I can see this all from my room, which is across from his). Mom asked what he's doing, and he replied with, "nothing, b*tch". Yep. Like, the perfect culmination of letting his crappy behaviour slide for all these years. I talked to her privately after her call with dad, and she said they're now planning on finally kicking him out.
But, they're a bit clueless as to how to go about this, as am I. They can threaten "find a job or get the boot", but just knowing how my brother is, he won't care. This is probably going to end with needing authority intervention or something of that sort. Should we give him an eviction notice, and then be prepared with authorities on the day of? Also... this would mean he would be getting kicked out without a job or money and would have to rely on friends, but maybe it'll be the reality check he needs... Any advice would be helpful, especially hearing about any similar experiences.
It’s entirely possible that your brother is suffering from depression.
Depression in adolescent and young adult males often looks different than depression in adults. The anger and hostility are classic hallmarks of depression in young males.
The excessive pot smoking (which is substance abuse) could well be your brother’s attempt to self-medicate.
I know this is awful and hard, but it’s entirely possible that when your brother speaks this way, it is his mental illness talking. I also wonder if he has undiagnosed learning disabilities, which is why he dropped out of high school twice.
I entirely support your parent’s desire to have your brother move out, but without psychological and psychiatric help, he is doomed to failure.
Please consult with a medical doctor and also social support services (not sure what you have in Canada). Your brother needs help, and help is available. Therapy plus medication changes lives. Have you considered rehab for him?
It’s entirely possible that your brother is suffering from depression.
Depression in adolescent and young adult males often looks different than depression in adults. The anger and hostility are classic hallmarks of depression in young males.
The excessive pot smoking (which is substance abuse) could well be your brother’s attempt to self-medicate.
I know this is awful and hard, but it’s entirely possible that when your brother speaks this way, it is his mental illness talking. I also wonder if he has undiagnosed learning disabilities, which is why he dropped out of high school twice.
I entirely support your parent’s desire to have your brother move out, but without psychological and psychiatric help, he is doomed to failure.
Please consult with a medical doctor and also social support services (not sure what you have in Canada). Your brother needs help, and help is available. Therapy plus medication changes lives. Have you considered rehab for him?
If you Google “anger as a symptom of depression”, you will find many more articles detailing this. Also search for “unusual symptoms of depression”.
Thanks for sharing. Before he started partying and hanging with the wrong crowd, he had excellent grades (all in the 90s). I think he's just gotten way too comfortable with being lazy, and he dropped school because he couldn't motivate himself to go attend classes. I don't believe he's depressed, especially when he's hyper most of the time, but wouldn't be shocked if he's bipolar or something along that line. But with that being said, there's no way he would ever agree, let alone go seek help. Help is always available, but only if you go seek it, and he never would. He would never even agree that he has a problem at all. So if there's nothing we can do to have him go better himself, isn't kicking him out the next best thing? If it were me, that would sure push me to fix up my life or at least motivate me to work to be able to survive.
I have lots of sympathy towards those suffering from mental illness, but I can't take it when it starts affecting the people around them. Watching my mom cry repeatedly over his awful behaviour is just too much for me. He's an adult and should be able to handle himself, no? When I went through anxiety, I tried out counselling because I didn't want to keep living like that. I just can't wrap my head around why he can't be a decent child like the rest of us, but at this point, I don't even care to know why. He has all the means to better himself, but chooses not to.
He may need mental help, but unless he wants it I don't know if there is anyway to force it on him. But, better your parents kick him out now, than put up with him living with them, making their lives miserable, until they are both dead. Then how will he survive as an adult of - let us say 40 to 60 some years of age? He needs to learn to be self sufficient. Better he's forced to do it now, than be completely inept and helpless to take care of himself later. JMHO.
Where is he getting money for pot? Who buys his video games? Maybe your parents should cut off computer service? Sure, everyone else might suffer, but once he is out of the house or getting mental health care it could be started up again. Ultimately it is your parents decision on how to handle this.
I think he's just gotten way too comfortable with being lazy, and he dropped school because he couldn't motivate himself to go attend classes. I don't believe he's depressed, especially when he's hyper most of the time, but wouldn't be shocked if he's bipolar or something along that line...
Well, does he show any signs of mania? Does he go days on end without sleeping? Spend all his money? Think he can be an astronaut and the PM of Canada all at the same time?
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I have lots of sympathy towards those suffering from mental illness, but I can't take it when it starts affecting the people around them. Watching my mom cry repeatedly over his awful behaviour is just too much for me. He's an adult and should be able to handle himself, no? When I went through anxiety, I tried out counselling because I didn't want to keep living like that. I just can't wrap my head around why he can't be a decent child like the rest of us, but at this point, I don't even care to know why. He has all the means to better himself, but chooses not to.
You can’t understand it because you haven’t been depressed.
IME, anxiety makes you a bit over busy, because you want to make things perfect, you want to fix things.
Depression reduces your drive and you don’t feel as though it’s worth trying to do anything.
There is a difference between laziness and depression.
Sounds like the learning differences are not an issue so that’s good.
He may need mental help, but unless he wants it I don't know if there is anyway to force it on him. But, better your parents kick him out now, than put up with him living with them, making their lives miserable, until they are both dead. Then how will he survive as an adult of - let us say 40 to 60 some years of age? He needs to learn to be self sufficient. Better he's forced to do it now, than be completely inept and helpless to take care of himself later. JMHO.
Where is he getting money for pot? Who buys his video games? Maybe your parents should cut off computer service? Sure, everyone else might suffer, but once he is out of the house or getting mental health care it could be started up again. Ultimately it is your parents decision on how to handle this.
I agree, he has to learn somehow and it's looking like it'll have to be by living all on his own.
His best friend gives him free weed, and he mostly plays free trial versions of new games or older games from forever ago. Our parents don't support him financially, it's more that he doesn't have to worry about rent or food. Cutting the net isn't an option, especially because of online classes. My parents already want him out of the house, but aren't sure how to go about it, so I ended up wondering if anyone had some advice. I'm thinking they should give him a month or two to get a job and get his act together, or he'll have to leave. Then when that day comes (as knowing him, nothing will ever change), he'll have to leave on his own or be made to by the authorities. :/
Maybe it's different in Canada but in the USA in order to get him out of your house they would have to file for an eviction order with the sheriff/court. Since its domestic and he has a history of violence they might send deputies to remove him immediately or they might give him 30 days to vacate. Cant say for sure but I'd call your local law enforcement for further info on how to proceed.
Well, does he show any signs of mania? Does he go days on end without sleeping? Spend all his money? Think he can be an astronaut and the PM of Canada all at the same time?
You can’t understand it because you haven’t been depressed.
IME, anxiety makes you a bit over busy, because you want to make things perfect, you want to fix things.
Depression reduces your drive and you don’t feel as though it’s worth trying to do anything.
There is a difference between laziness and depression.
Sounds like the learning differences are not an issue so that’s good.
Does Canada have home health care visits?
He sleeps normally, as in he doesn't go on endless days without sleep or anything like that. He doesn't have money to spend. And yeah, he often talks about wanting to be a famous rapper one day, but continues to live like a lazy leech who does nothing.
And I have been depressed before, luckily it passed for me on its own. I know all about that. I still don't think he's depressed. He just comes off as extremely lazy to me. Not being a jerk is what I was getting at when I said I don't understand why he can't be a decent person.
I've never heard of home health care visits, so I don't think that's a thing here, but even if it was, you can't have anyone do anything here if they're over the age of 18. We can't even get a counsellor to see him, he'd have to do it himself, which he never would. I've tried talking to him before about his mental health (his anger problems), but he ended up lashing out at me and saying that I must be the one with mental problems, so that's not going to happen again. We are all just exhausted from him. Just want him out of the house with as little trouble as possible. I truly think it's the only thing that would "wake him up" to reality, so to speak.
Maybe it's different in Canada but in the USA in order to get him out of your house they would have to file for an eviction order with the sheriff/court. Since its domestic and he has a history of violence they might send deputies to remove him immediately or they might give him 30 days to vacate. Cant say for sure but I'd call your local law enforcement for further info on how to proceed.
He doesn't have a criminal record at all, but it'd be a good idea to look into the eviction order thing. I hope it doesn't have to get to the point of having to go to court though.
Thanks so much for this. I didn't think of that, I'll find out this info.
"in my culture, it's completely normal for kids to live with their parents until either marriage or some big career move reason"
Your parents house, not yours. How they deal with their household is their decision. If you don't like it, you move out.
I know lots of "kids" who take advantage of their parents good intentions and act exactly like your brother. Sounds like your parents may be enabling him. Too bad...
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