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Old 03-10-2021, 11:58 AM
 
2,933 posts, read 4,103,808 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saltwater_gypsy View Post
Hi,
I have posted here before about the same topic. My 13 year old son is not interested in getting out and making friends. We moved right at the start of COVID and it has been really difficult here for him. I feel extremely guilty because the we had just moved a a year and a half prior and he was finally readjusted and making friends at the old place. We moved here because of a job. He is such a great kid, quirky, funny and smart but he has social anxiety and will not reach out to anyone. He does like scouts, but he is mostly into video games and will spend all of his time doing that. I just recently took the computer away. How long before he gets bored enough to want to get out of the house and make friends, get into a sport, etc. He told me that he feels isolated at school because his school is cliquish, which I hate for him. I just don't know what to do for him. I want to fix it for him because I feel so guilty about moving us. Help!
The Groundhog's Day like life of the pandemic has been really tough on everyone's motivation. Tomorrow is going to be exactly the same - my work is always right here at home - why bother doing it now when there's always tomorrow?

My daughter was at home from spring break 2020 until the end of Christmas break in January 2021. She really didn't like the isolation and asked to go back to school. The school wasn't having any issues with clusters in the school and we're not high risk so we sent her back full time. I know not everyone has that option but if you do, even part time, I would make the most of it. Leverage that to get your kid doing other things.

She's into gaming and the youtube channels she follows. When we were fully locked down we let it slide but she's friends with a lot of her classmates and half of them live in our neighborhood. She's 10, she's got her Gizmo watch, she's going down the street so there's no need to be reliant on us to drive her somewhere (and there's a general agreement amongst the parents that if they're together in class anyway, it's not a big deal for them to hang out outside of school.)

But I would see her on the couch chatting with her friends while playing one of her games. I said, "she lives two blocks away, why are you chatting through the game? Invite her over." The new rule is to limit all screen time on the weekends to 2 hours solo. If she wants to invite a friend over or go over to a friend's she can bring the ipad, watch tv, whatever. If not, there's plenty to be done around the house and yard.

That's battle number 1. The war is getting them to spend more time outside.

Anyway, to the OP, I'm sure you know there's a ton of bad advice on here about accommodating fears and phobias. No professional will tell you it's a good idea to encourage someone with social phobia to isolate. You shouldn't throw your kid to the wolves but a gradual facing of fears is typically the recommended path. Start small. Scouting and other outdoor stuff is probably a good idea.

I agree that tech is essential for modern life but you're not wrong to limit your kid's use of it. They're already on laptops all day at school. They're not going to lose ground to their peers because they're not playing "Among Us" for 6 hours a day. There's volumes of research on this stuff it's not positive.
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/22/m...deo-games.html

My nephew has a complicated home life and doesn't get the supervision/attention that a 14 year old boy needs - especially not a 14 year old boy in his situation. Now the whole extended family is involved in making sure he doesn't have to repeat his freshman year of high school. He has a serious gaming addiction. Those games, like most social media, is designed to be addicting. To get you that dopamine hit. TBF, I think the addiction is a symptom of everything that's going on his life, pandemic included, but it's not good.
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Old 03-10-2021, 12:20 PM
 
2,570 posts, read 2,052,981 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MTSilvertip View Post
Computers are the way the kids communicate these days, which is a big part of why they have no social skills.

You don't say where you are, but aside from Scouts, there may be Sea Scouts or 4-H or FFA. Church groups are an excellent suggestion too.

My nephew was also addicted to computers. the only way I was able to get him outside was to shut the power off to his room so none of his devices worked. We're far out in the country so cell service is spotty and shutting off the power killed the wi-fi too.

He now loves riding his ATV and is a pretty good mechanic. He now has a decent job and has been promoted. He just graduated High School and his father sees college as a waste of money until my nephew figures out what he would like to do and will apply himself. I've been trying to talk him into trade school to be a professional mechanic, but like most modern kids, he has no motivation.

He's a good kid, but he's a product of his times.

If you could get your son into a club or sport he has some passion about, maybe he'll find friends and some self confidence too.

Good Luck.

That's a mighty, mighty broad brush you paint with.

My 15-year-old and her friends are plenty social, in person and <gasp!> through social media.

Because is it 2021.

That is how kids today communicate and collaborate. And a tool they use to learn. And I use in my work.

Because it is 2021.

Last edited by WoodburyWoody; 03-10-2021 at 12:44 PM..
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Old 03-10-2021, 12:32 PM
 
24,225 posts, read 10,534,556 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saltwater_gypsy View Post
Oh lawd!! He goes to scouts already! Some of y’all act like he’s gonna die without electronics! He’s been one whole day without his gaming laptop and guess what? He’s been more social, polite, and he’s doing his damn homework. Sometimes you gotta make the unpopular decision and discipline. I don’t want a 28 year old man child living in my house because he couldn’t be bothered to get up from his computer and take care of his responsibilities. Y’all parent how y’all want and I’ll take back asking this forum for advice. Geez.
Children copy their surroundings
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Old 03-10-2021, 04:19 PM
 
50,439 posts, read 36,095,389 times
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Originally Posted by jessxwrites89 View Post
100% this. OP, please stop moving around so much for the sake of your son.
They had to move for a job. That can't always be helped.
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Old 03-10-2021, 04:21 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aredhel View Post
Perhaps switching to another school might help? It's an option the OP can explore if the son's school difficulties persist.
That's a good idea! A smaller school, like a Friends school (Quaker, but you don't have to be Quaker), might be ideal. But even with public schools, school choice is an option in many states.
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Old 03-10-2021, 04:22 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by flyingsaucermom View Post
Tough OP.

Taking away the computer completely backfired for us.

I let the kids have as much computer/phone time as they want provided they do what I ask and that is get good grades and follow my directions. Sometimes my directions are to go out for a walk, sometimes it's to clean the cat boxes. The point is "no lip".

If the grades are good and they're in good spirits then what do I care?

It's interesting to read this thread and the support of tech for kids. 15 years ago and you would have a very different composite of responses with far more advocating for restrictions.

Tech is essential for modern life. I would capitalize on his interest and have him learn how the computers work and how to code!
In her posts, she stated she took the computer away temporarily as punishment due to poor grades and his talking back and being mouthy with her.
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Old 03-10-2021, 04:25 PM
 
50,439 posts, read 36,095,389 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Threestep2 View Post
Children copy their surroundings
I don't know that this is accurate. I was a horrible teenager because I wasn't popular and I was bullied and miserable. I got poor grades and lied to my mother all the time and was rude to her and talked back. But my home did not have any role models that behaved like that. So what exactly do you mean?
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Old 03-11-2021, 11:54 AM
 
5,455 posts, read 3,357,180 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
He’s in school in person full time. She took the computer temporarily as punishment for being mouthy which my nieces do with her kids too. It’s a fairly typical punishment.

I too as a teen was mouthy, started failing school. I needed help. I was unpopular and miserable in school. I ended up going down a bad path and eventually quit school. If he can’t make friends or is bullied in school it’s a big deal, even if he does other things outside school. The decline in grades is a red flag that needs to be taken seriously IMO.

OP if I remember your older post right, he had a best friend in your last town is that right? Have they been able to visit each other? Are they still best friends even online?

I think it is important to address son's emotional health. He wouldn't be acting out if he was happy.
I know this would have helped me tremendously if my father would have quit calling me down over every little thing. It just became an angry power struggle and rebellion.
Rather than taking social media completely away, limit the time he spends on it.
These are not ordinary times for ordinary punishments.
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Old 03-11-2021, 05:25 PM
 
50,439 posts, read 36,095,389 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kitty61 View Post
I think it is important to address son's emotional health. He wouldn't be acting out if he was happy.
I know this would have helped me tremendously if my father would have quit calling me down over every little thing. It just became an angry power struggle and rebellion.
Rather than taking social media completely away, limit the time he spends on it.
These are not ordinary times for ordinary punishments.
I think it is quite appropriate to take away an electronic device to punish a teen when he does something wrong. What kind of punishment would you propose if he says something rude to her, won't listen or doesn't do his homework? He's not going to die for not having social media for 3 days or whatever. I'm not sure what you mean by ordinary times, but this boy is in school in-person full time. He does see a counselor she said, for anxiety. Although I question if it is the right counselor.

I too had a lot of emotional problems growing up. My mom put her head in the sand. I would have been a lot better off with some discipline.
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Old 03-12-2021, 08:43 PM
 
5,455 posts, read 3,357,180 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
I think it is quite appropriate to take away an electronic device to punish a teen when he does something wrong. What kind of punishment would you propose if he says something rude to her, won't listen or doesn't do his homework? He's not going to die for not having social media for 3 days or whatever. I'm not sure what you mean by ordinary times, but this boy is in school in-person full time. He does see a counselor she said, for anxiety. Although I question if it is the right counselor.

I too had a lot of emotional problems growing up. My mom put her head in the sand. I would have been a lot better off with some discipline.
Too much discipline is worse than no discipline especially if it is over something that can be corrected without being influenced by anger and impatience.

Why is punishment the only way? All that is needed is correction. No body is going to die if there is correction instead of punishment.

Covid times are not ordinary times.The whole world is stressed and uncertain. The kid is well aware of this, is caught up in it like everyone else.
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