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Right now I think you could focus on improving his mood. Spend some quality time with your son outside of the house in some fresh air and nature. Go for a long walk. Get your favorite sub or burger with a soda or hot choco and go to the park to eat it. Watch people go by and chat. Let him know you are on his side and want him to be happy.
I think you should allow him his social media. It is an important lifeline for him and helps him connect without social anxiety. This pandemic is proven to be very hard on youth.
He’s in school in person full time. She took the computer temporarily as punishment for being mouthy which my nieces do with her kids too. It’s a fairly typical punishment.
I too as a teen was mouthy, started failing school. I needed help. I was unpopular and miserable in school. I ended up going down a bad path and eventually quit school. If he can’t make friends or is bullied in school it’s a big deal, even if he does other things outside school. The decline in grades is a red flag that needs to be taken seriously IMO.
OP if I remember your older post right, he had a best friend in your last town is that right? Have they been able to visit each other? Are they still best friends even online?
I hate offering advice to someone I don't know. It may do more harm than good. So, first a big caveat: You know your son better than I ever will. Do what is best for your son.
But your son sounds a lot like me at thirteen. It sounds like your son might be an Introvert. We introverts don't need the constant socializing and activity that extroverts do. It actually adds to our stress and overall anxiety. We need friends, but honestly, most of us prefer to have a very small circle or even one close friend than a whole social clan. We prefer intimacy in relationships. But we also need our alone time to decompress and recharge.
Sitting in front of video games all day is bad for anyone. True that. But not every kid is sporty. And even some kids who like sports don't really like the team sports, but excel at things like track or cross country. If your son doesn't want to play sports, don't force it. My sporty dad forced me to play sports as a kid, and it not only soured our relationship, but it ingrained in me a lifelong hatred of team sports.
Anyway, all that to say I think the best thing you could do is listen to your son. Let him know that a life spent playing video games is bad for him. Too much of that is bad for the psyche, bad for the eyes, bad for the brain. In moderation, it's fun. But he does need to learn to live in the world. If he doesn't want to do a sport or Scouts, what would he like to do?
Things he might be more interested in ...
Photography
A creative writing class
A drawing or painting or computer drafting class
Learning to play an instrument
Non-team sports: biking, swimming, running, boxing, martial arts
Non-group outdoor activities: Hiking, kayaking, fishing, bird watching
A new language class
Let your son let you know where his interests lie and get him involved. Chances are good that he'll meet someone there who shares his interests and a friendship might develop. We introverts tend to make friends based on shared interests, not because we enjoy groups of people. Actually, we hate groups of people. Our brains just don't relate to others that way.
This! I'm an introvert myself and this was exactly me at age 13. Anytime I had to socialize, it would throw me into anxiety mode... still does.
I agree with Mark. Also, please stop moving around so much. Moving so much isn't stable and I'm sure the lack of stability doesn't help either... can't form intimate friendships that way.
Except he wasn't this isolated until this move. OP said he was making friends and socializing in their last location, and has repeatedly complained that this school is too cliquey. So it's not that he just wants to socialize on the computer or only that he's introverted, it's that he is struggling to fit in at their new location. It's possible he's even being bullied here or something. Especially since he is displaying anger at OP and getting poor grades, both of which apparently started only since this move. It's possible he is using the computer as an escape from life, not as a way to connect with it. That's why I think more focus should be on the counseling and whether this particular counselor is actually helping or not. I just don't think getting him onto the flag football team or the chess team is going to fix it, it sounds like it goes deeper than that.
100% this. OP, please stop moving around so much for the sake of your son.
If he can’t make friends or is bullied in school it’s a big deal, even if he does other things outside school. The decline in grades is a red flag that needs to be taken seriously IMO.
Perhaps switching to another school might help? It's an option the OP can explore if the son's school difficulties persist.
Taking away the computer completely backfired for us.
I let the kids have as much computer/phone time as they want provided they do what I ask and that is get good grades and follow my directions. Sometimes my directions are to go out for a walk, sometimes it's to clean the cat boxes. The point is "no lip".
If the grades are good and they're in good spirits then what do I care?
It's interesting to read this thread and the support of tech for kids. 15 years ago and you would have a very different composite of responses with far more advocating for restrictions.
Tech is essential for modern life. I would capitalize on his interest and have him learn how the computers work and how to code!
I took his computer away because of his smart mouth and bad grades. He says he just doesn’t feel like doing his work. I feel like we have been enabling him too much with the internet and really understanding with COVID. He is seeing a counselor for anxiety. He has been really disrespectful towards me and I won’t reward that behavior.
I think you need to take a step back. He is probably angry and resentful about being forced to move - more than once. And I don't blame him. And that is probably at least part of why he's lashing out. That is a HUGE stress on a child that age. Please don't underestimate how hard that is for him. The fact that you seem less than understanding and sympathetic to that is only going to make him even more angry and resentful.
My nephews are very into gaming. They have classmates and friends they play with in their games. They can't be around each other in person due to the pandemic. I was at my SIL's house the other day when the kids got home from school and they were home for about 15 minutes when one of his friends from school started trying to connect with him on his iPad. Taking away his technology would not help him in the slightest. Yes, teenagers can be mouthy. That's what they do. Taking away their favorite possessions rarely changes that behavior.
Don't you just love it when posters take the time in good faith and with the best of intentions to try to help and the OP cuts them off at the knees? Maybe Dad could use some brushing up on his social skills as well. There was not one poster deserving of Dad's hostile response. As they say in the South" "Bless his heart."
The apple doesn't fall from the tree from what I hear.
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