Quote:
Originally Posted by motherbearof4
Emerald,
I think this Mom handled this situation the way it needed to be handled. I applaud her for it! I would have done the same thing. The computer is where the problem started and that needed to be removed immediately. As far as the pictures go, maybe I would have let her keep them. Do keep in mind that this guy was 24 yrs old wanting a 16 yr old to get on a plane and meet him somewhere. That is insane! If he had any REAL respect and and GOOD intentions for this girl, he would have gotten a plane himself and come to see her. I believe with such a serious situation like this you can't sit back and guess what the intentions were. You need to take action and that's exactly what the Mom did here. Just interested, what would you have done?
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I agree that the computer is where the problem started and I by no means approve of the situation at all. I don't believe a 24 year old man should be carrying on in such a way with a 16 year old girl. However, there are also other things to consider when looking at this. First of all the only ones that know the entire story is this 16 year old girl and 24 year old guy. For all anyone knows, she could have told him she was 18 or over and just didn't have the money to fly to see him. What I have not mentioned on here is that I have been around kids all of my life. I am the oldest of 9 and have 7 kids of my own, 3 of them girls. I also remember what is was like being 16 years old thinking I was "in love".
You want to know what I would have done? I don't mind telling you as I believe each parent has to do what works for their child as each of them are different. It doesn't make one way right and the other not - Just different. I admit my first inital reaction may have been to do the exact same thing but being the "thinker" I am, I like to try to look at each situation objectively and consider the different aspects of it to prevent making a rash decision that I may pay for later on in one way or another.
When I read this my thought process was this:
The first thing I considered was I didn't know if the girl had told this guy her correct age. For all we know, he could have told her his age and if she took any interest in him could have lied about how old she was. I don't know the personality of this girl or what her situation was where this is concerned. What I do know is kids tend to grow up faster these days then they did when I was growing up considering how much they are exposed to. Again, that is up to the parent. I for one, am very strict when it comes to what my kids are exposed to, not only online but also with the television and music.
The next thing I considered was this is the age of the internet. Kids can not only gain access to a computer in most of their homes, but in a library or computer lab at school. There is also the telephone which has been around a lot longer but more accessible then a computer. That makes it more challenging as a parent to keep your child safe and protected. Not impossible, but a lot more awareness needs to take place as well as open communication.
Then I remembered what it was like to be 16 and think I was "in love". Keep in mind I was a well behaved kid and never got into any trouble. However, when you think you are "in love" at that age, and your parent tells you that you can't have any contact with that person, chances are they will continue to do so behind that parents back. Not necessarily to be definant but because they are being ruled by emotions they don't completely understand and the maturity just isn't there yet. Now you take away the computer and pictures most likely she will not only rebel and see the guy behind your back, but she will feel like you just don't want to try to understand. That unbudging behavior will make it very likely that she will not open up to you. Very dangerous where the internet is concerned.
Now obviously the most important thing in this whole situation is to protect my child any way I can and do my best to prevent a repeat occurance without shutting down all lines of communication. I took all of these things into consideration in thinking about what I would do. First I considered her way of communicating with him and what could possibly happen if I took that away. Most likely she would find another computer to continue this behavior on and I would have no knowledge of this nor what went on. I also thought about the possible outcomes of this, the main one being a repeat attempt with no "paper trail" so to speak. I personally, find it better to be informed especially in this situation and I can't stress that enough. So, I thought about the options and I came up with this:
I would make sure I had parental controls set accordingly, which that in itself might be risky as she would know it was there and that would defeat the purpose.
Then I considered all the other things I have come across while being on the internet and knowing my kids are on there as well and I do my best to protect them from all that the internet has opened up to them. The internet is full of great things but there are also serious dangers. This is also the age of instant messengers and emails. One of the things that jumped out at me is there are programs out there that logs every activity of that person, websites visited as well as logging the instant messenger chats. I would definately install this to check daily while she wasn't on the computer to be aware of exactly what was being said so I would be more informed. The best thing being, nobody would know about this logging of data but you. I would definately do this.
Then there is the emails. I would add a filter to her account so I got a copy of all of her incoming emails or better yet set up an outlook account with her email address and password and have a copy of incoming and outgoing email sent there so you would have access to them. Yes an invasion of her privacy, but with the circumstances of the situation well warranted. I would do this as well.
As far as the pictures, although I would want to take them and rip them to pieces, I wouldn't do that. Pictures alone are harmless so there would be no need to do something like that to her, unless they were somehow unapproiate in nature. Trying to understand that would be a no brainer, I would rip them up, burn them, shred them whatever I felt like doing at that moment.
The last thing I would do is talk to her and try to have an open mind. Not to be "cool" but to use as a means of getting information I needed as well as finding out what her mind set is. Yes it would be a slow way of getting information at first, but gradually as she trusts you not to completely shut down and go off the wall about it, she will most likely open up and give you more information. It's all about her trust with you in regards to this. Perhaps seeing that you are willing to listen and take her feelings into consideration (agreeing with them or not) would make her take what you have to say into consideration herself. You have to keep in mind she is 16. She is no longer a baby or little kid and not quite an adult either.
With the exception of the parental controls which also run the risk of her thinking you don't trust her and alienating her making her most likely rebel, the other things I would definately do. At least I would have some type of control over the situation. A lot more then I had previously and I would know so much more and be better able to protect my daughter. If she is going to do it, she is going to do it regardless if you approve or not. Better to have some of these things in your corner then nothing at all. Having the internet around makes the job as a parent that much more challenging but it also makes is that much more dangerous and scary. Most of the people you meet online aren't living right down the street from you, or around the corner or even in the same city or state you are living in. They can be states away. So whereas I do not by any shape or form agree with a 24 year old man talking to a 16 year old girl, I want to be as informed as I could possibly be to protect my child not to be their friend. It's all about gathering information and keeping informed. Also logging these instant messages and emails from him gives you something else....evidence.
With that said, I don't find my thought process in regards to this completely insane. Just another way to handle a dangerous situation and protect my child.
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