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Found out a few weeks ago that my wife's IVF worked and she is now 6 weeks pregnant.
My wife is 41 and I realize that anything can happen in the first trimester because her pregnancy has been deemed "high risk". Still, I've found that my fears for this child are high, and they're even higher if we return to live in the US.
Currently we live in Malaysia and we plan to stay here for the foreseeable future. However, it's also possible we may move back to the US with the child one day as well. Maybe it's because I haven't been back to the States in a while (due to covid), and even my trips home are to pretty much see family and friends (and they haven't changed much), but I have this fear of bringing our child back to the more stressful US environment. Here are some of things swimming in my head should we move back:
1. Since our child will be biracial, will they have to deal with racist idiots (The child will be half Tamil Indian, Half white with Jewish and Italian roots)
2. On the other, will our child have to deal with anti-racist idiots who indoctrinate them into their very narrow view of the world.
3. Will they feel pressured to explore their gender, and possibly demand that we provide them with the appropriate drugs that will help with transitions...
4. But then again, if my child really feels they are in the wrong body, will my wife and I do what's write by him/her.
5. The US is a very punitive society - Will my child make a stupid comment online at 13 and be kept out of jobs because of it when they're 23?
6. Will my child grow so addicted to his/her phone that they never want to go out?
7. Will my child become unhealthy and obese because of the way the US culture pushes fast food on kids?
8. If my child does become obese and my wife and I try to work with them about it, will we get lectured about "fat shaming"?
9. What about their mental health? I listen to young kids in the US and it seems like they're all fully aware and educated in every definition of each type of mental illness that exists. I realize that there are some people who have mental health problems, but I feel like so many kids use those designations as excuses for not succeeding.
10. Will I be sensitive enough to deal with their legitimate mental health issues?
11. Although I'm from Massachusetts and we do have the most universal health care in the country, lack of affordable health care for our child scares me. Plus, there's no guarantee that we would move back to Mass anyways.
I realize that a lot of these problems exist in Malaysia as well, especially racism (racism is probably worse here in Malaysia) and addiction to devices. But it often seems more manageable here and kids generally seem happier here, despite schools being generally more rigid.
Still, as I keep telling my wife, our goal is to raise this child to be an adult, not just a big kid. I want lead them in the right direction and then allow them to make their own decisions and suffer their own consequences. Can I lead them in that right direction with all of the pressures of American society?
Alternatively, your child could grow up to be another bi-racial President after attending schools in Malaysia. Be sure to register the birth with the American embassy.
I thought you had done this already. Didn't you state that you had "evacuated" your family from the US? You should be able to give advice from your actual experiences. I'm curious myself, how it has worked out.
I came back after the winter surge, and now we're all back in the USA. It was hard to return, and we were all sad to come back, but the reality of our employment situation and living apart meant it was the best long-term choice at the time. The kids complained about coming back for a while, but they've more-or-less accepted it now.
It was a glorious relief from COVID world--like stepping back into 2019. The kids were in school full-time (with masks), which is pretty much where we finally are now, back here in the US. Their Mandarin improved by leaps and bounds. The math was probably 2 grades more advanced than what they are getting now in the USA. Obviously the English (taught as a second language) was trivial, since they are already fluent.
They had a great time socializing (after 8 months of not seeing another child in person) with friends and family.
Getting there (paperwork, COVID tests, flights) took some doing, and the hard quarantine (no stepping foot outside) was an experience.
If I could do the same work there as I do here, we would immigrate, though we would probably maintain property here and come back during school breaks. We would also likely plan to move back during High School to give them a better shot at getting into US universities. But that's in a world where we have jobs that are 100% portable between countries, which is obviously not the world we live in.
In a post where you called ALL Americans idiots or stupid at least 3 times, obese twice & racist, trans-pushing, violent addicts, with mental health issues (ah, lost count)... okay, I'll bite. My 1st inclination is to say, please don't come back... please.
For a longer answer & assuming your goal isn't just to troll or insult 330M Yanks, I'll say... it's a little surprising that you've had plenty of time to work out a plan for this next major step in life, given that with IVF, you've actually planned for a child... yet have so much confusion, fear & in some cases, downright prejudice, about your home countrymen & women. Most of us aren't knuckle dragging ghouls.
Did something just happen to make you feel that living in Malaysia isn't optimal, so you feel your only other option is to live in the US, a place your mental list reveals to be a nightmare? Or, are you just a filled-with-fear individual no matter the circumstance? Not mocking you... my mum is that way... the sky is always falling, in her mind. To that end, she's utterly exhausting to be around... or even speak to on the phone. Your post leaves me to feel you might make others feel similarly.
I'm from inner-city Boston, so you certainly must have grown up in the wealthy MA suburbs... you'd absolutely have perished from stress in my 'hood & I'm a small girl. Perhaps find a place with the least amount of stress to you, or that anguish will only spread to your child & serves no one. It can't be easy for your newly pregnant wife to feel your daily fears, either. Given that she's 40 & pregnant, with previous fertility issues, now more than ever, she needs a peaceful home life & strong, supportive husband.
If you're filled with this kind of distress, perhaps seek counseling rather than uprooting your family, at least initially. In my opinion, your list reveals your own prejudices about others... it's as if you poured through YTube for months to find every single bad story clip you could find about America.
BTW, you do realize the US is filled with mixed race individuals, no? I live near many & am related to a few. They exist... no one's chasing them with lighted torches, screaming about undesirable heritage. They all seem like lovely, well adjusted people.
I think, overall... Americans are very accepting people. Both of my parents are foreigners. We kids & they did all right. Maybe a therapist will help you count your blessings & your next list will be of the wonderful things in your life, either in Malaysia or somewhere else.
And, lastly... approach others with inquiries which show the desire to gain info & learn, rather than with insults & name calling. To some degree... I'm wondering if your OP isn't just a way for you to lash out at others due to your own issues.
Well hello everyone. Thank you for your responses and I'll try to give a general response to some of your comments (while ignoring some of the egregious claims on my character).
1. I think I'm going through something that a lot of fathers go through when they find out their wife is pregnant. From the moment we got word that she was having a baby, somehow my senses raised and I started to really think about our finances, possible dangers, future schooling etc etc etc. I don't think that makes me different from any other father expecting his first child, even though I am on the older side (42) to begin fatherhood.
2. I think many of your responses to my comments were somewhat influenced by your own political ideology. I realize that some of what I wrote was politically charged, but I still have those fears nonetheless.
3. Is the US racist? No. Does the US have racism? Yes. So of course I'm afraid of racism being a problem with my child. Truth be told though, I'd argue that Malaysia is probably a more racist society then the US, and Malaysians tend to express their distain for certain races more comfortably than Americans. Still, Americans tend to be a bit more aggressive in nature, so it is something that I do worry about when raising children there.
4. Anti-racism sounds like a good concept on a superficial level, but I feel like the purveyors of this ideology have influenced far too many of our youth to become almost robotic in their ways of dealing with problems of race. For example, my wife works for an organization that sometimes brings young, very educated Americans to Malaysia to work for a year (not so much during the pandemic, of course). She's amazed at the level of arrogance as well as the gospel-like adherence to ideologies that constantly try to label everything and everyone so as to determine their "victim" status. Sure, I want my child to understand their roots, but I don't want them to be a constant victim, something I see far more in American youth than Malaysian youth.
5. Health care is another serious issue I have with the US. Once again, I'm not saying Malaysia is doing a great job here either. But in the US, health care is very, very expensive and if you lose your job, it can put you in a very precarious position. As someone who wants what's best for my child and wife, health care is one of the top issues keeping me from moving back to the US.
6. Sure, I realize all of the good things about the US as well. I love where I come from and I'd love to raise my child somewhere in New England, but I have my reservations.
I'll respond to your comments directly since you put so much thought into them:
Quote:
Originally Posted by wac_432
Those are all legitimate fears, despite what your offended countrymen will rush in to tell you. We have long considered moving to Taiwan for their better schools, stronger, safer, cleaner, and more functional society. I'll add to your list:
I've only been to Taipei once. Great place, but wasn't a fan of the food
Quote:
Originally Posted by wac_432
1. Gun violence. While the chance of becoming a victim is small, at the current rate of mass shootings in America, there is a 30% chance your child will be directly or indirectly involved in a school shooting by the time they graduate from High School. I know this isn't an issue in Taiwan, and I expect the same is true for Malaysia.
Yes, gun violence is a problem in the US, but I sometimes think the threat is overblown. If we were to move back to any one of the six New England states, we'd be in places with murder rates at or below Malaysia's. Malaysia has more petty crimes and it's murder rate is about half of the US, but it's car accident rate is very high. People drive like ****ing maniacs here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wac_432
2. Drug abuse. With the legalization of pot, all forms of mind-altering and growth-stunting substances are becoming more acceptable. Alcohol, tobacco/vape, aerosols, etc are being abused by increasingly younger children.
I'm not so worried about marijuana use, as my homestate of Mass also has legal weed. I am more worried about opioids, and other mind altering drugs that are so easily prescribed to children and adults - I hear more from my American friends about their anti-depressants and other drugs that they think they need to survive each day. That concerns me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wac_432
3. Social unrest. US society is more divided than I have ever seen. While you touched upon racism, and anti-asian racism is on the rise, there are also people running each other over in the streets, setting fire to police precincts, and--more commonly threatening each other and physically fighting over political ideology. Even in my small town, as well as in my former hometown people have attacked each other with vehicles. That sort of domestic terrorism was.simply unheard-of a decade ago. Now it seems to be the new normal, and children are no safer from it than adults.
I'm less concerned with the violence since it tends to be sporadic (and it occasionally happens here), but I am more concerned with increasing divisions that exist in the US.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wac_432
4. School performance. Never great, the average ability of American schoolchildren continues to decline. Public schools.increasingly prioritize teaching basic skills, providing IEPs, and dealing with behavioral issues of the low performing students, leaving advanced learners to stagnate.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wac_432
My concerns are mixed on this issue. I'm from Mass and generally speaking New England has the best public schools in the US. I'm more than happy to educate my child there as long as the indoctrination into certain ideologies is kept to a minimum.
That said, there are some legitimate reasons to stay or bring your child to America:
1. Money. As always, America is still the most stable country that manages to strike a balance of wild west Capitalism and some social structure. Economic success is important, and it is very attainable here for parents and children.
2. Colleges, and other private or for-profit education, are top-notch and world-leading. Your child will have a hard time getting into a US college from abroad unless you are extremely wealthy. Private schools, charter schools, and some public schools (certain wealthy districts and schools that are non-districted "schools of choice") perform very well and provide inclusive environments with high educational standards. We are in such a school, and I am happy with both the educational materials and the level of racial inclusiveness.
3. At least here in California, there is a great deal of freedom of thought and being. While there are bad apples who would tell you or your child how to think, act, or love, they are fewer in number than the good people who will support and include you and your children.
So, the answer to your question is yes, you can lead them to be a successful, well-adjusted, and happy adult in America. Is it easier to do here, or are your chances better in Malaysia? No one can answer that question. If you do decide to move back to America, I would strongly suggest you visit different regions of the country to try to get a feel for where is safest and best for your family.
Just stay in Malaysia. These are ridiculous fears to be brooding over. If you have to argue yourself out of it, it probably doesn't make sense to pursue it.
If you're a parent and not their friend you might prevent some of this.
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