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Old 05-06-2021, 06:47 AM
 
27,660 posts, read 24,719,266 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrDee12345 View Post
Well hello everyone. Thank you for your responses and I'll try to give a general response to some of your comments (while ignoring some of the egregious claims on my character).

1. I think I'm going through something that a lot of fathers go through when they find out their wife is pregnant. From the moment we got word that she was having a baby, somehow my senses raised and I started to really think about our finances, possible dangers, future schooling etc etc etc. I don't think that makes me different from any other father expecting his first child, even though I am on the older side (42) to begin fatherhood.

2. I think many of your responses to my comments were somewhat influenced by your own political ideology. I realize that some of what I wrote was politically charged, but I still have those fears nonetheless.

3. Is the US racist? No. Does the US have racism? Yes. So of course I'm afraid of racism being a problem with my child. Truth be told though, I'd argue that Malaysia is probably a more racist society then the US, and Malaysians tend to express their distain for certain races more comfortably than Americans. Still, Americans tend to be a bit more aggressive in nature, so it is something that I do worry about when raising children there.

4. Anti-racism sounds like a good concept on a superficial level, but I feel like the purveyors of this ideology have influenced far too many of our youth to become almost robotic in their ways of dealing with problems of race. For example, my wife works for an organization that sometimes brings young, very educated Americans to Malaysia to work for a year (not so much during the pandemic, of course). She's amazed at the level of arrogance as well as the gospel-like adherence to ideologies that constantly try to label everything and everyone so as to determine their "victim" status. Sure, I want my child to understand their roots, but I don't want them to be a constant victim, something I see far more in American youth than Malaysian youth.

5. Health care is another serious issue I have with the US. Once again, I'm not saying Malaysia is doing a great job here either. But in the US, health care is very, very expensive and if you lose your job, it can put you in a very precarious position. As someone who wants what's best for my child and wife, health care is one of the top issues keeping me from moving back to the US.

6. Sure, I realize all of the good things about the US as well. I love where I come from and I'd love to raise my child somewhere in New England, but I have my reservations.
Then why even consider moving back?
All the things you mention in this post are true on the internet and the biased fear mongering media. In real life I dont see it, with the exception of recent rioting by the BLM and ANtifa to stir up hatred among the races. That is not even racism.

Deal with your Malaysia style racism and arrogance and health care as these issues in the US are apparently a great concern of yours.
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Old 05-06-2021, 06:57 AM
 
Location: Panama City Beach, FL
732 posts, read 390,604 times
Reputation: 1544
Don't swim in the ocean - sharks
Don't go outside - lightening
Don't stay indoors - black mold, gas leak, house fire
Don't fly - crash
Don't drive - crash
Don't bath - drown
Don't eat - choke


From your post, it sounds like you will have a challenging time raising a child no matter where you choose to live. Many new parents have some level of dread because there is no instruction manual included with each maternity ward delivery. Yet billions of parents have been adequately able to raise children for centuries. Hoping that you will join the ranks of successful parents. Best of luck.
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Old 05-06-2021, 07:01 AM
 
12,880 posts, read 3,975,661 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrDee12345 View Post
Found out a few weeks ago that my wife's IVF worked and she is now 6 weeks pregnant.

My wife is 41 and I realize that anything can happen in the first trimester because her pregnancy has been deemed "high risk". Still, I've found that my fears for this child are high, and they're even higher if we return to live in the US.

Currently we live in Malaysia and we plan to stay here for the foreseeable future. However, it's also possible we may move back to the US with the child one day as well. Maybe it's because I haven't been back to the States in a while (due to covid), and even my trips home are to pretty much see family and friends (and they haven't changed much), but I have this fear of bringing our child back to the more stressful US environment. Here are some of things swimming in my head should we move back:

1. Since our child will be biracial, will they have to deal with racist idiots (The child will be half Tamil Indian, Half white with Jewish and Italian roots)
2. On the other, will our child have to deal with anti-racist idiots who indoctrinate them into their very narrow view of the world.
3. Will they feel pressured to explore their gender, and possibly demand that we provide them with the appropriate drugs that will help with transitions...
4. But then again, if my child really feels they are in the wrong body, will my wife and I do what's write by him/her.
5. The US is a very punitive society - Will my child make a stupid comment online at 13 and be kept out of jobs because of it when they're 23?
6. Will my child grow so addicted to his/her phone that they never want to go out?
7. Will my child become unhealthy and obese because of the way the US culture pushes fast food on kids?
8. If my child does become obese and my wife and I try to work with them about it, will we get lectured about "fat shaming"?
9. What about their mental health? I listen to young kids in the US and it seems like they're all fully aware and educated in every definition of each type of mental illness that exists. I realize that there are some people who have mental health problems, but I feel like so many kids use those designations as excuses for not succeeding.
10. Will I be sensitive enough to deal with their legitimate mental health issues?
11. Although I'm from Massachusetts and we do have the most universal health care in the country, lack of affordable health care for our child scares me. Plus, there's no guarantee that we would move back to Mass anyways.


I realize that a lot of these problems exist in Malaysia as well, especially racism (racism is probably worse here in Malaysia) and addiction to devices. But it often seems more manageable here and kids generally seem happier here, despite schools being generally more rigid.

Still, as I keep telling my wife, our goal is to raise this child to be an adult, not just a big kid. I want lead them in the right direction and then allow them to make their own decisions and suffer their own consequences. Can I lead them in that right direction with all of the pressures of American society?
Racism isn't the issue that you are seeing in the media. No one really cares about biracial anymore except maybe a handful of extremists.

Some of the other issues are valid. They will be addicted to the phone. They stand a good chance of being obese. That mainly depends on you and how you are. Do you teach them healthy eating habits? Are YOU overweight? You will get lectured about fat shaming but if you kid is overweight, you don't tell them they are fat. You focus on eating healthy. I NEVER mention my weight to my daughters. The rampant mental health issues, IMO, are due to technology addiction. I don't know why I am the only one who sees that. The lack of healthcare thing is nonsense. I am sure you know about Obamacare. If you are low income, you get healthcare for free.

Some of your issues, quite frankly, sound made up to drive a point.
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Old 05-06-2021, 07:04 AM
 
12,880 posts, read 3,975,661 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saibot View Post
I recommend that you stay where you are. Not that all, or any, of those things are likely to happen to your child in the US, but because you are already so scared and anxious, that trying to live here again could give you a stroke or heart attack.

The thing that worries me the most is that you feel helpless about what American society will do to your child, and don't seem to be thinking at all about how you will parent this child.

If you don't want your child to grow obese eating fast food, don't buy fast food and teach them to eat a healthy diet.

If you don't want your child to become addicted to devices, don't buy them devices until they are older and limit their time then. Supervise and limit their TV and movie time, too.

Will you and/or your wife have a job? Then health care won't be a problem.

If you are a calm, loving, involved parent who models good behavior and a positive attitude, your child is unlikely to have serious mental health problems, become a racist, or identify as transgender. Can those things happen, yes. But they could happen anywhere.

Honestly, your list sounds like it was written by someone with an agenda who believes everything negative they hear of the US. Maybe you've been out of the country too long.
I mostly agree with you but limiting tech is VERY difficult because the schools put the devices in your kids hands. They gave my daughter and IPAD in Kindergarten 10 years ago and I have been fighting since. She only gets her phone on a very limited basis. I have asked school to make her use paper and she says she is fine on the computer and school believes her. I have been fighting the district over it since she was in middle school. She is 17 now.

That said, I see parents give their 2 years olds devices to keep them quiet in a restaurant. If you do that kind of parenting, you get what you deserve, which is an addicted kid.
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Old 05-06-2021, 07:12 AM
 
27,660 posts, read 24,719,266 times
Reputation: 25521
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grlzrl View Post
I mostly agree with you but limiting tech is VERY difficult because the schools put the devices in your kids hands. They gave my daughter and IPAD in Kindergarten 10 years ago and I have been fighting since. She only gets her phone on a very limited basis. I have asked school to make her use paper and she says she is fine on the computer and school believes her. I have been fighting the district over it since she was in middle school. She is 17 now.

That said, I see parents give their 2 years olds devices to keep them quiet in a restaurant. If you do that kind of parenting, you get what you deserve, which is an addicted kid.
The notebooks given to mine had very limited access. I dont like it either but its the way of the world now, kids have to know how to use a computer and research on line. Outside of school work on school tablets parents can control their kids devices. And KUDOS to you for taking responsibility and controlling your daughters phone time. More parents need to do so.
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Old 05-06-2021, 09:47 AM
 
1,100 posts, read 689,166 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares View Post
Then why even consider moving back?
All the things you mention in this post are true on the internet and the biased fear mongering media. In real life I dont see it, with the exception of recent rioting by the BLM and ANtifa to stir up hatred among the races. That is not even racism.

Deal with your Malaysia style racism and arrogance and health care as these issues in the US are apparently a great concern of yours.
Exactly. If I only watched the news, I'd think that the minute I stepped outside I would be in some dystopian, post-apocalyptic zombie land with everyone fighting everyone else and no kindness to be found. The reality is quite different.
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Old 05-06-2021, 10:35 AM
 
Location: Formerly Pleasanton Ca, now in Marietta Ga
8,082 posts, read 5,693,190 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wac_432 View Post
Those are all legitimate fears, despite what your offended countrymen will rush in to tell you. We have long considered moving to Taiwan for their better schools, stronger, safer, cleaner, and more functional society. I'll add to your list:
1. Gun violence. While the chance of becoming a victim is small, at the current rate of mass shootings in America, there is a 30% chance your child will be directly or indirectly involved in a school shooting by the time they graduate from High School. I know this isn't an issue in Taiwan, and I expect the same is true for Malaysia.
2. Drug abuse. With the legalization of pot, all forms of mind-altering and growth-stunting substances are becoming more acceptable. Alcohol, tobacco/vape, aerosols, etc are being abused by increasingly younger children.
3. Social unrest. US society is more divided than I have ever seen. While you touched upon racism, and anti-asian racism is on the rise, there are also people running each other over in the streets, setting fire to police precincts, and--more commonly threatening each other and physically fighting over political ideology. Even in my small town, as well as in my former hometown people have attacked each other with vehicles. That sort of domestic terrorism was.simply unheard-of a decade ago. Now it seems to be the new normal, and children are no safer from it than adults.
4. School performance. Never great, the average ability of American schoolchildren continues to decline. Public schools.increasingly prioritize teaching basic skills, providing IEPs, and dealing with behavioral issues of the low performing students, leaving advanced learners to stagnate.

That said, there are some legitimate reasons to stay or bring your child to America:
1. Money. As always, America is still the most stable country that manages to strike a balance of wild west Capitalism and some social structure. Economic success is important, and it is very attainable here for parents and children.
2. Colleges, and other private or for-profit education, are top-notch and world-leading. Your child will have a hard time getting into a US college from abroad unless you are extremely wealthy. Private schools, charter schools, and some public schools (certain wealthy districts and schools that are non-districted "schools of choice") perform very well and provide inclusive environments with high educational standards. We are in such a school, and I am happy with both the educational materials and the level of racial inclusiveness.
3. At least here in California, there is a great deal of freedom of thought and being. While there are bad apples who would tell you or your child how to think, act, or love, they are fewer in number than the good people who will support and include you and your children.

So, the answer to your question is yes, you can lead them to be a successful, well-adjusted, and happy adult in America. Is it easier to do here, or are your chances better in Malaysia? No one can answer that question. If you do decide to move back to America, I would strongly suggest you visit different regions of the country to try to get a feel for where is safest and best for your family.
Curious where you found it’s a 30% chance there is gun violence in schools. Seems high.
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Old 05-06-2021, 11:05 AM
 
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If you're OK where you are, don't move back to the States. Wait and see how things shake out. It feels like a very unpleasant place to raise a family in many ways. I don't know what Malaysia is like of course, to be fair.
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Old 05-06-2021, 12:21 PM
 
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op,
You are addressing valid concerns. Your awareness is commendable.

Congrats and sending well wishing on a healthy child.

Love your child. Guide them. And teach them self defense in mind and body. That martial arts discipline can expand wisely in other facets of life...
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Old 05-06-2021, 12:35 PM
 
Location: equator
6,697 posts, read 3,022,115 times
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Never thought I'd post in parenting, lol. Came up on the sidebar.

I have lots of relatives overseas and in the past, they made a point to return to the U.S. for the birth so the child could be an American citizen. I'm not so sure they are all doing that anymore, but it used to be important to them. My nephew returned to England with his British wife, for the birth so it would be totally free under England's HC system.

IMO, the healthcare is the biggest deterrent. Even under an affordable Obamacare plan, there are huge deductibles and co-pays. Enough to bankrupt a person if the medical event is big enough. I don't need to comment on any of the other issues except gun culture in the U.S. is a real deterrent.

My niece in Indonesia is pregnant and I wonder what they will decide. They came back for the previous birth.

Congratulations, in any case!
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