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Old 05-04-2021, 07:39 PM
 
129 posts, read 46,420 times
Reputation: 198

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Found out a few weeks ago that my wife's IVF worked and she is now 6 weeks pregnant.

My wife is 41 and I realize that anything can happen in the first trimester because her pregnancy has been deemed "high risk". Still, I've found that my fears for this child are high, and they're even higher if we return to live in the US.

Currently we live in Malaysia and we plan to stay here for the foreseeable future. However, it's also possible we may move back to the US with the child one day as well. Maybe it's because I haven't been back to the States in a while (due to covid), and even my trips home are to pretty much see family and friends (and they haven't changed much), but I have this fear of bringing our child back to the more stressful US environment. Here are some of things swimming in my head should we move back:

1. Since our child will be biracial, will they have to deal with racist idiots (The child will be half Tamil Indian, Half white with Jewish and Italian roots)
2. On the other, will our child have to deal with anti-racist idiots who indoctrinate them into their very narrow view of the world.
3. Will they feel pressured to explore their gender, and possibly demand that we provide them with the appropriate drugs that will help with transitions...
4. But then again, if my child really feels they are in the wrong body, will my wife and I do what's write by him/her.
5. The US is a very punitive society - Will my child make a stupid comment online at 13 and be kept out of jobs because of it when they're 23?
6. Will my child grow so addicted to his/her phone that they never want to go out?
7. Will my child become unhealthy and obese because of the way the US culture pushes fast food on kids?
8. If my child does become obese and my wife and I try to work with them about it, will we get lectured about "fat shaming"?
9. What about their mental health? I listen to young kids in the US and it seems like they're all fully aware and educated in every definition of each type of mental illness that exists. I realize that there are some people who have mental health problems, but I feel like so many kids use those designations as excuses for not succeeding.
10. Will I be sensitive enough to deal with their legitimate mental health issues?
11. Although I'm from Massachusetts and we do have the most universal health care in the country, lack of affordable health care for our child scares me. Plus, there's no guarantee that we would move back to Mass anyways.


I realize that a lot of these problems exist in Malaysia as well, especially racism (racism is probably worse here in Malaysia) and addiction to devices. But it often seems more manageable here and kids generally seem happier here, despite schools being generally more rigid.

Still, as I keep telling my wife, our goal is to raise this child to be an adult, not just a big kid. I want lead them in the right direction and then allow them to make their own decisions and suffer their own consequences. Can I lead them in that right direction with all of the pressures of American society?
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Old 05-04-2021, 08:30 PM
 
10,687 posts, read 6,676,223 times
Reputation: 28289
I recommend that you stay where you are. Not that all, or any, of those things are likely to happen to your child in the US, but because you are already so scared and anxious, that trying to live here again could give you a stroke or heart attack.

The thing that worries me the most is that you feel helpless about what American society will do to your child, and don't seem to be thinking at all about how you will parent this child.

If you don't want your child to grow obese eating fast food, don't buy fast food and teach them to eat a healthy diet.

If you don't want your child to become addicted to devices, don't buy them devices until they are older and limit their time then. Supervise and limit their TV and movie time, too.

Will you and/or your wife have a job? Then health care won't be a problem.

If you are a calm, loving, involved parent who models good behavior and a positive attitude, your child is unlikely to have serious mental health problems, become a racist, or identify as transgender. Can those things happen, yes. But they could happen anywhere.

Honestly, your list sounds like it was written by someone with an agenda who believes everything negative they hear of the US. Maybe you've been out of the country too long.
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Old 05-05-2021, 08:37 AM
 
2,329 posts, read 1,444,827 times
Reputation: 8213
Those are all legitimate fears, despite what your offended countrymen will rush in to tell you. We have long considered moving to Taiwan for their better schools, stronger, safer, cleaner, and more functional society. I'll add to your list:
1. Gun violence. While the chance of becoming a victim is small, at the current rate of mass shootings in America, there is a 30% chance your child will be directly or indirectly involved in a school shooting by the time they graduate from High School. I know this isn't an issue in Taiwan, and I expect the same is true for Malaysia.
2. Drug abuse. With the legalization of pot, all forms of mind-altering and growth-stunting substances are becoming more acceptable. Alcohol, tobacco/vape, aerosols, etc are being abused by increasingly younger children.
3. Social unrest. US society is more divided than I have ever seen. While you touched upon racism, and anti-asian racism is on the rise, there are also people running each other over in the streets, setting fire to police precincts, and--more commonly threatening each other and physically fighting over political ideology. Even in my small town, as well as in my former hometown people have attacked each other with vehicles. That sort of domestic terrorism was.simply unheard-of a decade ago. Now it seems to be the new normal, and children are no safer from it than adults.
4. School performance. Never great, the average ability of American schoolchildren continues to decline. Public schools.increasingly prioritize teaching basic skills, providing IEPs, and dealing with behavioral issues of the low performing students, leaving advanced learners to stagnate.

That said, there are some legitimate reasons to stay or bring your child to America:
1. Money. As always, America is still the most stable country that manages to strike a balance of wild west Capitalism and some social structure. Economic success is important, and it is very attainable here for parents and children.
2. Colleges, and other private or for-profit education, are top-notch and world-leading. Your child will have a hard time getting into a US college from abroad unless you are extremely wealthy. Private schools, charter schools, and some public schools (certain wealthy districts and schools that are non-districted "schools of choice") perform very well and provide inclusive environments with high educational standards. We are in such a school, and I am happy with both the educational materials and the level of racial inclusiveness.
3. At least here in California, there is a great deal of freedom of thought and being. While there are bad apples who would tell you or your child how to think, act, or love, they are fewer in number than the good people who will support and include you and your children.

So, the answer to your question is yes, you can lead them to be a successful, well-adjusted, and happy adult in America. Is it easier to do here, or are your chances better in Malaysia? No one can answer that question. If you do decide to move back to America, I would strongly suggest you visit different regions of the country to try to get a feel for where is safest and best for your family.
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Old 05-05-2021, 09:01 AM
 
10,687 posts, read 6,676,223 times
Reputation: 28289
Quote:
Originally Posted by wac_432 View Post
Those are all legitimate fears, despite what your offended countrymen will rush in to tell you. We have long considered moving to Taiwan for their better schools, stronger, safer, cleaner, and more functional society.
I thought you had done this already. Didn't you state that you had "evacuated" your family from the US? You should be able to give advice from your actual experiences. I'm curious myself, how it has worked out.
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Old 05-05-2021, 09:26 AM
 
27,660 posts, read 24,719,266 times
Reputation: 25521
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrDee12345 View Post
Found out a few weeks ago that my wife's IVF worked and she is now 6 weeks pregnant.

My wife is 41 and I realize that anything can happen in the first trimester because her pregnancy has been deemed "high risk". Still, I've found that my fears for this child are high, and they're even higher if we return to live in the US.

Currently we live in Malaysia and we plan to stay here for the foreseeable future. However, it's also possible we may move back to the US with the child one day as well. Maybe it's because I haven't been back to the States in a while (due to covid), and even my trips home are to pretty much see family and friends (and they haven't changed much), but I have this fear of bringing our child back to the more stressful US environment. Here are some of things swimming in my head should we move back:

1. Since our child will be biracial, will they have to deal with racist idiots (The child will be half Tamil Indian, Half white with Jewish and Italian roots)
2. On the other, will our child have to deal with anti-racist idiots who indoctrinate them into their very narrow view of the world.
3. Will they feel pressured to explore their gender, and possibly demand that we provide them with the appropriate drugs that will help with transitions...
4. But then again, if my child really feels they are in the wrong body, will my wife and I do what's write by him/her.
5. The US is a very punitive society - Will my child make a stupid comment online at 13 and be kept out of jobs because of it when they're 23?
6. Will my child grow so addicted to his/her phone that they never want to go out?
7. Will my child become unhealthy and obese because of the way the US culture pushes fast food on kids?
8. If my child does become obese and my wife and I try to work with them about it, will we get lectured about "fat shaming"?
9. What about their mental health? I listen to young kids in the US and it seems like they're all fully aware and educated in every definition of each type of mental illness that exists. I realize that there are some people who have mental health problems, but I feel like so many kids use those designations as excuses for not succeeding.
10. Will I be sensitive enough to deal with their legitimate mental health issues?
11. Although I'm from Massachusetts and we do have the most universal health care in the country, lack of affordable health care for our child scares me. Plus, there's no guarantee that we would move back to Mass anyways.


I realize that a lot of these problems exist in Malaysia as well, especially racism (racism is probably worse here in Malaysia) and addiction to devices. But it often seems more manageable here and kids generally seem happier here, despite schools being generally more rigid.

Still, as I keep telling my wife, our goal is to raise this child to be an adult, not just a big kid. I want lead them in the right direction and then allow them to make their own decisions and suffer their own consequences. Can I lead them in that right direction with all of the pressures of American society?
I agree with the other poster, stay where you are. I hope you do not raise your child to be as paranoid and fearful of life as you are.
I'm not really sure how you perceive racism and/or addiction to devices to be unmanageable in the US. What needs to be managed. Our laws prohibit discrimination based on race. The US is probably one of the least racist countries. Of course the media doesn't want you to know that. As far as devices well that is part of parenting. Dont want your kid watching TV or accessing social media via cell phone 25/7, your the parent.
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Old 05-05-2021, 10:41 AM
 
Location: Vermont
3,531 posts, read 1,265,341 times
Reputation: 5396
I hear Belize is an easy going, laid back place.
Have you thought of moving there?
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Old 05-05-2021, 11:15 AM
 
Location: Dallas
6,060 posts, read 5,704,708 times
Reputation: 18331
Yes, stay where you are. Since you feel the US is such an unhealthy place to raise children, full of "racist idiots", it's best to stay put. Not sure how Malaysia stacks up against the US, but we have enough US hating citizens here already. No need for more.
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Old 05-05-2021, 11:17 AM
 
Location: California
33,146 posts, read 36,672,926 times
Reputation: 29483
I don't understand this post at all. Live where you want, for whatever reasons you want. You seem to be fretting about things that are entirely under your control.
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Old 05-05-2021, 11:32 AM
 
4,635 posts, read 1,966,784 times
Reputation: 10862
Sounds like you have already made up your mind to stay put for now. You will know what to do when the time comes. As a father of three and grandfather of six I can tall you that once children get to be about 6 years old, they are more under the influence of their teachers and friends than of their parents. You can provide them with the necessities of life and a loving family life and be there when they need you. But the rest is up to them. You will have much less control over what happens to your child than you think. And that is good because you want them to be able to deal with life on their own terms. Right now the stress of impending fatherhood is making you conjure up all these imaginary potential problems. I think once you start changing diapers you will come back to reality.
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Old 05-05-2021, 11:40 AM
 
2,362 posts, read 938,675 times
Reputation: 7654
Another vote for 'Stay in Malaysia'.

On second thought, maybe you should have the baby first and see how things work out the first few years before you fret yourself to death?
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