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Don't do it. For the sake of the kids. I can see where it sounds easy, but it's not I promise you. I'm not saying it can't be done, I just think you're doing yourself and the child a disfavor. My wife and I our in thirties and had our kids in our early thirties. With two of us working as a team (she stays at home) it still consumes our lives. Yes, we enjoy family life, but it's taken team work to get it done, and we barely have time for ourselves and we both provide unique contributions to our kids.
I'll go back to the phrase, "just because it can be done, doesn't mean it should be done".
Until I was a parent, I did not see how important it was to have both parents. There are things my wife does that are inherent to her as a woman. I cannot replicate what she provides the kids in a certain type of attention, care, and empathy. Just as there are things I provide the kids as a father that she cannot replicate.
I think I'm starting to understand why arranged marriages work so well. Maybe it needs to make a comeback. With the inability of men and women to come together to create a child and provide a family environment, maybe it's time to bring it up. Man and woman seeking to produce child; write legal agreement to come together and raise said child, while in open relationship. It seems like it's what a subset of people is looking for.
Anyway, bottom line, don't think it's as easy as it looks. It's not an exotic car to have others do maintenance on and use as you please. It is full time, night and day, and it will change your life in ways you couldn't have imagined. Typically in a positive way, but in a way you can't fathom until you've lived it.
Don't do it. For the sake of the kids. I can see where it sounds easy, but it's not I promise you. I'm not saying it can't be done, I just think you're doing yourself and the child a disfavor. My wife and I our in thirties and had our kids in our early thirties. With two of us working as a team (she stays at home) it still consumes our lives. Yes, we enjoy family life, but it's taken team work to get it done, and we barely have time for ourselves and we both provide unique contributions to our kids.
I'll go back to the phrase, "just because it can be done, doesn't mean it should be done".
Until I was a parent, I did not see how important it was to have both parents. There are things my wife does that are inherent to her as a woman. I cannot replicate what she provides the kids in a certain type of attention, care, and empathy. Just as there are things I provide the kids as a father that she cannot replicate.
I think I'm starting to understand why arranged marriages work so well. Maybe it needs to make a comeback. With the inability of men and women to come together to create a child and provide a family environment, maybe it's time to bring it up. Man and woman seeking to produce child; write legal agreement to come together and raise said child, while in open relationship. It seems like it's what a subset of people is looking for.
Anyway, bottom line, don't think it's as easy as it looks. It's not an exotic car to have others do maintenance on and use as you please. It is full time, night and day, and it will change your life in ways you couldn't have imagined. Typically in a positive way, but in a way you can't fathom until you've lived it.
I bet single parents using surrogacy have children that by most metrics turn out better than the average child. Being born and raised in a first world country to a financially secure/retired parent is itself one HUGE advantage over 80% of situations of children born into this world. Does a child born into an impoverished two parent situation in say India really have more opportunity to flourish? If having a child through surrogacy costs $2,000 than sure you’d probably have a lot of messed up situations of people treating having a child like having a pet, but the financial costs of it sorta weeds out those that aren’t extremely committed.
Last edited by Pleasedontreuse; 05-22-2021 at 12:23 PM..
I bet single parents using surrogacy have children that by most metrics turn out better than the average child. Being born and raised in a first world country to a financially secure/retired parent is itself one HUGE advantage over 80% of situations of children born into this world. Does a child born into an impoverished two parent situation in say India really have more opportunity to flourish? If having a child through surrogacy costs $2,000 than sure you’d probably have a lot of messed up situations of people treating having a child like having a pet, but the financial costs of it sorta weeds out those that aren’t extremely committed.
I'm not disagreeing with you, but goes back to "just because it can be done, doesn't mean it should". Us go-getters can make any situation "work". Yes, an American birth certificate provides innumerable advantages against the rest of the world's population, and yes our poorest would probably conservatively rank in wealth at above more than 50% of the population of this planet.
It is just different when it comes to birthing a child, and like I said, you won't understand until you go through it. Kind of like that frustrating thing parents tell you when your young, "trust me, you'll get it when you're older". It's true that one doesn't tend to miss what they don't know they're missing. However, seeing the things my wife brings to the table that I cannot replicate (and probably likewise from her standpoint), makes me not want to deprive a child of a two parent upbringing.
Furthermore, you would be consciously taking a baby from its mother, knowing that person will never get to meet the person, or enjoy the love of the person who bore them to this earth. That person is born, and will live with the knowledge that there's a mother out there, that they will never know, and will not be a part of their life. Also, after having seen the transformation of my wife during the pregnancy, I'd feel pretty bad for the surrogate; even though I'm a capitalist through and through, and agree it's a business transaction between two people. Also, I'd like to clarify that I would make this argument for both men and women actively choosing to undertake parenthood without the child having one of the parents.
Anyway, FWIW these are just the opinions of an anonymous guy behind a keyboard; so I wish you luck on your decision. I'm just glad you at least seem to have the proper resources to raise a child, and enough sense/capability to try and reason through the idea rather than making an impulsive decision.
I agree that two parents is typically better but what about cases where two professionals work from 8am to 6pm — the child often gets raised by daycares. Or what about parents that are poor and that child has to go to bad schools, live in rough neighborhoods and not have access to the better things in life? There are plenty of cases out here where even poor single parents that work all the time raise a perfectly adjusted child. If everyone had to have perfection for bringing a child into the world we probably wouldn’t have many babies born.
I’ve got about 3-6 years before I intend on pursuing it. Once I’ve completed a few personal projects that I want to complete that shouldn’t take more than three years to do, I’ll go all in. One thing to remember that the cost of creating the kid will pale in comparison to the cost of maintaining a kid, such as education, experiences and enjoyment, the three E’s.
Remember money doesn’t buy happiness but it can buy very positive memories, experiences and education if you couple that with the time that people normally spend working in a career in order to get the money in the first place, then you should be able to do a great job.
Another thing to remember, if you’re straight and not intending on using the agency’s current available egg donors, you gotta keep things strictly professional with the fertile females in your life as to not complicate matters if you ever want to pursue the procurement of someone’s eggs. You don’t want to waste their time or get their hopes up in the belief that they will be a parent to YOUR kid(s), you are strictly just wanting their eggs not their time or life regardless of how open the communication is post birth. It may come across as something different if your assessing them based on your own personal criteria, but that is for gestational surrogacy not your standard surrogacy where the surrogate is also the egg donor and technically the mother.
Someone who is going through this path and making careful considerations and research/assessments isn’t the type of person to intentionally be a bad parent. And you will need to possibly find a female role model for your kids, if you have family (mothers, sisters, aunts) then you don’t have to worry too much about that.
Also single parenthood by choice is a lot more beneficial to child development than a broken home.
Last edited by Anonymous725; 05-22-2021 at 02:02 PM..
I'm not disagreeing with you, but goes back to "just because it can be done, doesn't mean it should". Us go-getters can make any situation "work". Yes, an American birth certificate provides innumerable advantages against the rest of the world's population, and yes our poorest would probably conservatively rank in wealth at above more than 50% of the population of this planet.
It is just different when it comes to birthing a child, and like I said, you won't understand until you go through it. Kind of like that frustrating thing parents tell you when your young, "trust me, you'll get it when you're older". It's true that one doesn't tend to miss what they don't know they're missing. However, seeing the things my wife brings to the table that I cannot replicate (and probably likewise from her standpoint), makes me not want to deprive a child of a two parent upbringing.
Furthermore, you would be consciously taking a baby from its mother, knowing that person will never get to meet the person, or enjoy the love of the person who bore them to this earth. That person is born, and will live with the knowledge that there's a mother out there, that they will never know, and will not be a part of their life. Also, after having seen the transformation of my wife during the pregnancy, I'd feel pretty bad for the surrogate; even though I'm a capitalist through and through, and agree it's a business transaction between two people. Also, I'd like to clarify that I would make this argument for both men and women actively choosing to undertake parenthood without the child having one of the parents.
Anyway, FWIW these are just the opinions of an anonymous guy behind a keyboard; so I wish you luck on your decision. I'm just glad you at least seem to have the proper resources to raise a child, and enough sense/capability to try and reason through the idea rather than making an impulsive decision.
I understand your feelings. In most cases a donor egg is used so the woman signing up to be a surrogate has no biological connection to the child and I assume many women know they are using their body to give the gift of a child to someone that can’t otherwise have one.
I'm the single mother of a daughter adopted from China when an infant. She's now an adult, just graduated from college on her way to graduate school. We have many friends who adopted Chinese children most as infants. The children from that country were highly unlikely to have birth parents with disturbed backgrounds (alcoholism etc.). The vast majority have done very well and are loving and well adjusted. Single mothers who were well educated with good incomes did not appear to disadvantage the children. That there were no traumatic divorces or stepparent issues probably helped.
That kind of adoption probably is not possible today. At the time, my having adopted made me viewed as a "saint" since this was a child in need compared to single mothers who deliberately became pregnantly either naturally or thru sperm donation. The problem with that take is that those very precious children were then being told, in essence, that they should not exist. Easy in theory, not so much once you are looking at a specific child. One way or another they got made!
I was in my early 40s when I adopted. Still healthy 25 yo later, I do worry that my daughter could lose me earlier than some of her peers. There's no reason to delay if you are convinced this is the path for you. Not being divorced with your first wife the real mom in the picture could make it easier for any future spouse to help parent your child.
That said, kids tend to hold on to what they are used to which is why divorce can be so traumatic. My daughter never had any interest in my marrying. Some kids came with Dads, some did not. To date, she's never been interested in trying to locate her birthparents which today is theoretically possible even for the Chinese adoptions although not easy.
OP how do you reconcile your desire for a kid with your discomfort with your current life of doing nothing for years except be online, and then with the horribly abusive girlfriend you're entangled with?
I can't see bringing a child into that. Money doesn't fix stuff like that.
I know this is something that is expensive. Probably $125,000.
However, I’ve budgeted somewhat carefully for a while and have enough money set aside.
I’ve always wanted to be a parent and to make my parents grandparents but as an introvert I never found a partner to have a child with. In one relationship I was in, we found out my partner was unable to have children and another ended before we got to that point. Now I’m 36 and who knows if I would fall in love again with someone capable of having children.
So instead of just buying a somewhat exotic sports car that also requires fuel, insurance, maintenance, etc — why not invest in becoming a parent on my own?
Nothing in life has been traditional for me so why should parenthood?
I’d like to get some feedback on what people think of this....
How about the welfare of the child coming before your own little personal needs. The ideal arrangement for raising children is two loving parents. You doing it alone? Bad idea, bad for the child, and intentionally putting a child in a sub optimal arrangement. You can’t role model what a loving relationship is for your child unless you have someone you are in a loving relationship with. Also there is no substitute for maternal love. You intentionally depriving a child of that benefit is kind of evil.
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