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Wow! Thanks for the pointed criticisms. It helps me think in other directions.
No way will she do the military. Already attempted that. Oddly, she mentioned the Peace Corps the other day. She would be EXCELLENT in that enviornment. She is the free-wheelin hippie save the planet type.
I just don't agree with paying her medical bills. We had a deal, she broke it, and now she pays the consequences. I sympathize but hey-that's life. It will just be another bailout from mom and dad.
Does she have any direction in life? Yes and no. She has things she likes and wants to do, but they require a degree. OTOH she has changed majors many times, which is not unusual judging from some of what I see with her peers.
She is an only child.
Have any of you actually been in my shoes? I'm looking for advice, not sympathy but it strikes me as odd that everyone has the same theme to their post. Please don't take that as a flame, its not. I just thought I would receive a wider variety of opinions. Maybe I just don't want to face it.
Thanks again and keep posting. I'm taking a lot of what you have said to heart.
Any advice I gave I've taken as well with my kids. As I mentioned (or think I did) my son is the same age & dropped out of the Art Institute. He lived in the dorms from September until winter break. His room mate took over the room & was abusive, so he continued after winter but commuting the hour drive (one way) from home. Some of college was in his name & he paid, the rest I was responsible for 25%, his father 75%. I really wanted him to go to college as art is his thing but it wasn't meant to be and thankfully he realized it before getting too far into debt. He is currently still living at home as it's very expensive here in NJ.
My daughter has behavior problems although she is not bi polar, there are days when she acts like it.
My son is a good kid and has always had a job. My daughter OTOH isn't old enough to work (end of July) but hopefully she will find a job. My daughter starts things and doesn't finish. She started vo tech in September, by November had enough & got in trouble so that I'd sign her out or she'd get kicked out. By February I had enough & did.
In a different time, maybe but right now, no, not as a lesson. We are losing military, how do you send a girl to war because she "needs to grow up"? That is, if they would even take her with ADHD & Bi Polar.
I can see her there during her "down time" feeling sorry for herself because her parents are making her go. What if she got depressed and wasn't paying attention and either didn't make it home or came home missing a limb? The parents then have to live with that for the rest of their lives.
Now, if she joined the Guard (if they'd even take her) that might be different.
When people think military they automatically think about becoming a bullet catcher in Iraq. I had several friends who joined the Navy and never once saw any action. One of them spent his entire time in Hawaii as a helicopter electronics technician. Another spent his entire time as a corpsman (kind like a feild medical tech) at a hospital in Washington D.C. There are a lot of jobs out there that don't envolve getting shot at.
While the Peace Corp in theory "sounds" like an option, in reality, it is difficult to get into. They screen heavily and require applications and recommendations. They really cannot risk having someone who isn't stable in remote areas without reliable support structures. If your daughter couldn't even handle filling out loan applications, that would be a huge eye opener.
I also think something more vocation oriented may help give her direction. Hair stylists can make good money if they are talented, and my plumber lives in a nicer house than I do!!
2 families in our area used Job Corps which is fed gov program to help get somewhat "lost" young adults back on track. See: jobcorps.dol.gov
Regarding the "loser" boyfriends--another family I know sent their daughter abroad for 2 years to open her eyes to her possibilities and lose the boyfriend. She got a job as an Au Pair in France, but lots of Europeans want American nannies. Even here in the states where I live nannies can do very well and even go to school part time if the kids are school age. My neighbors had an au pair from South Africa who supplemented her salary with baby sitting jobs (including over nights which parents pay dearly for). Once the kids were on a regular school schedule, she went to community college, lived room and board free plus a weekly salary, and earned a degree in graphic design.
Good luck. Loving your daughter does not mean supporting bad decisions. In fact, loving her may mean teaching her that bad decisions have consequences!
I don't know what to tell you. Sounds like your daughter was perfect for her loser boyfriends. Sorry if that comes off a brash. But it seems like she tends to walk the same path that they do.
Fails at College
Doesn't want to work.
Isn't qualified for what she would be willing to do and at the same time isn't willing to put forth the effort to become qualified.
Irresponsible with money
Cannot cope with filling out forms or doing other 'adult' tasks
I think I know of someone in my life in a similar situation to yours. Her daughter and son have each totaled 3 cars in the past 5 years that I've known her....EACH. The daughter is now 25 and she still covers her car insurance and most of her bills. She bombed out of college early on and never went back. She moved to Oklahoma to be with her boyfriend only to break up with him less than a year later and moved back home. Fortunately she's become a bartender so she can potentially move out and cover her own rent. Her son just graduated high school....barely. As a graduation gift she took him and one of his friends on a cruise. My wife went along. When they returned they had to fill out customs forms. They were about a 1/4 page long. Everyone was able to do it in about 2 minutes accept for him. And then mommy had to go and do it for him because he couldn't cope.....sound familiar? Mommy also had to enroll him in college because he couldn't do that on his own either. He also couldn't make it to class on his own when the semester started either. He's well on his way to success. I see both of her kids still on her payroll when they're in their 30's.
If you want out you have to break the cycle of failure.
I do think that it is much more difficult to be a young adult today than it was for our generation. Almost every family I know has had independence problems with at least one of their children. Have you read the book The Myth of Maturity by Teri Apter? It was recommended to me when my daughter decided that she could not handle a state university here as a freshman, and I had to tell her that it was either work or school but not lying around figuring out what she wanted to do (she was doing the latter; I am not implying that your daughter is or was). Be patient. She has a lot to deal with medically. You said that she's at least attempting to figure things out. The idea of commuting to school sounds like a possibility. You were smart not to cave in with the school loan, though. Can she go through her school to fill out the loan paperwork? Has she obtained a FAFSA form?
How far along is your daughter at college? Maybe she needs to find a job doing something she likes, and continue going to college part time. Any reason she can't at least get an associate degree and maybe then work a couple of years to grow up a little, and see what she might like to get the 4 year degree in later on? Some people just aren't ready at 18-20 IMO. They are more interested in partying.
I agtree with you on not paying the medical bill. You made a deal to pay it as long as she continued in school, and she didn't own up to her end of the bargain. Paying it now would undermine any future deals you make. She'd always remember you caved last time.
Tell your wife making things too easy for kids doesn't help them in the long run. My parents wouldn't pay a dime for myself or my 2 sisters college, but were more than happy to fork it up for my brother (he's the youngest). My Mom spolied him, and didn't make him do chores like the rest of us did, and bailed him out of one financial problem after another. All 3 of us girls moved out and supported ourselves by 18. My brother has been in and out of their house, and is back at home at 33. Be very afraid.
I think the military might be a good solution at this point. They have a way of making children into grownups.
A person with bipolar disorder and learning difficulties WOULD NOT be well suited to the military, come on!
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