What to do with my kid's college fund? (stepmom, son, married)

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by RMD3819

My comment about using the money for vacation was true but in the context of the post it was meant to be sarcastic. I have no intention of cashing in the tuition before it expires.

We told her as long as she keeps moving forward, even slowly, with college she can use that money. When she dropped out we made her pay rent. She also would up in the hospital during that period and is still paying off the bill. She was on our insurance but we wouldn't pay the deductible or copay-several thousand dollars.

Kicking her out is easier said than done. First there would be serious domestic conflict with my wife over this. Second, the economy and cost of living here make this an even harder thing to do.

Keep the comments coming.

I commend you for looking high and low for input to help your daughter I can completely understand you wanting her to move out and be self-sufficient at this age. But it is good that you recognize she has some limitations to doing all you may have hoped she'd one day do.

And it does look like she has an opportunity to move out now with her two guy friends, right? Since she is just two classes shy of that associates degree (in what, by the way?) she should hopefully be able to manage that in another semester and be done with college. I agree with others that with her issues something more vocational would suit her better. Probably something not too high stress either. Have you ever talked to the counseling department of her school for some vocational testing to find what her natural interests and abilities might be? I had a sister this age who was struggling with "finding herself". My father found out how to get her tested with things like the Myers Briggs and other interest inventory testing through the local college. We all laughed when the testing showed she should be a nurse - I mean, really, we could not see it. But she followed some sound educational advice, went thru AA in the process, and 20+ years later is the best nurse you would ever hope to have in your life. Actually, she's not just an RN, she's gone on to become a nurse practitioner with a masters degree.

Not saying this would happen for your daughter, but it could help her so much just to identify her strengths, things she may have no clue she is really good at. If she really does have the natural inclination for culinary type jobs (though they can be stressful!) could you find some creative way to help her afford to get into a program?

[RMD3819]

I have a good news update. It appears a wave of maturity has struck.

She is eligible for a student loan that I won't have to co sign. It will cover part of her housing. Her tuition will remain covered by the prepaid plan. The only glitch is she won't get the money until school starts. Her mom and I agreed to front the money with the condition that the loan be deposited directly into our bank account.

She works for a retail chain that has a store near her new school. She has arranged a transfer there.

The original roommate situation fell through but now she will be living with a coworker who also will be a student there. Yesterday they both went to the campus to register and have been looking for housing together.

Progress!

[RMD3819]

It has been over a year so I thought I would post an update.

I cashed in her college tuition.

We had another year of nonsense with school. She moved out and into an apartment with two girls she met on craig's list. The guy friend plan didn't work out. The girls she lived with were slobs-really, really bad. She moved to another apartment with one of her guy friends. That saying about not knowing someone until you live with them is true. He turned out to be psycho. It wasn't just her version. I saw it, as did her other friends. At the same time she got laid off at work. The loan money she was living off of was gone so she came back home.

During all this she was in school. She took two or three classes and wound up dropping one or two (I can't remember). Same pattern as before.

That brings us to this past September. She needs one math class to graduate with her AS degree. She is taking an on line math class and seems to be doing OK. It is a mini semester lasting 8 weeks. She applies to graduate. They come back and tell her ooops-that class doesn't count, sorry. The drop deadline had long expired at that point. Mom used to work at the school so she gets involved and pulls some major strings and gets a full refund. Daughter enrolls in the correct class-also online-for the next mini semester, which starts in a few weeks.

A week or so before the class starts she starts expressing doubt about whether she should take an online math class of this difficulty. Here we go again. Mom and I told her to drop it if she wasn't sure she could do it-and we told her that would be it for college. A few days before class starts she starts again about it, this time she starts sobbing. We repeated ourselves again. She dropped the class. I think her GPA is 2.2.

I gotta tell you it was really, really hard filling out those cancellation forms. I even held the envelope for a few days. Sunday I put it in the mail.

I am sad.

On the bright side she got a part time job at a bank. She is doing well and if she can get her emotions in check (remember she is bi-polar) she can do well there.

Another bright note-we are using her tuition money for a cruise to Alaska.

[golfgal]

Ok, this is going to be harsh, sorry in advance, but you have done everything you can for your DD now. She is now 24-25 years old, right? Time to cut the strings and let her sink or swim. She has proven over and over again that she won't follow through and why, she has mom to back her up. There is no way in HECK I would have pulled strings with that math class for her. As hard as this will sound but it sounds like her mom, and you to a point, are her biggest problems. You need either accept the fact that you WILL have this child at home with you for the rest of your lives or kick her out now so she will grow up. You are doing her NO favors by continually bailing her out.

The Alaskan cruise sounds like a perfect time to come up with a game plan to get your daughter to grow up.

[maciesmom]

I can't imagine how difficult and heartbreaking that must have been. On a positive note though - you totally did the right thing. Sure you may have lost some money and faith in your daughter but she is still young. She has time to benefit because you were brave enough to take that step. Hopefully, she'll eventually learn that lesson. Some parents are still supporting and making excuses for 40yo "kids".....

[ATX Wahine]

I completely agree with maciesmom's post. You have been commendable as a parent - loving, supportive, and helpful in any way you could.

Some kids go to college and do well right away. Some take a while to warm up to it. Some never do good at all. Some are better suited as worker-bees and will simply find their way without a college degree. Life in the workforce is a little harder without one, but many of us survive and thrive all the same.

You earned that vacation and I hope you have a wonderful time. Your daughter will be ok. Thank you for letting us all know how it turned out.

[malamute]

I cashed in her college tuition.


I think you've been more than fair. Not everyone is college material and it isn't always so much intelligence as motivation, some people are better off working and advancing that way. It doesn't mean she can't go back to college at some point but she has to be ready.

[Hopes]

I don't think it was a complete failure. She might not have finished, but she's only one course away from an associates degree.

She can finish her associates degree anytime in her future paying for it herself. It won't cost her much. She won't need a loan.

And she can go back at anytime in her life to get her bachelors----even when she's in her 40s and 50s, etc.

I'd make sure that she doesn't live at your house again. Make her stay wherever she is and scrape by at working at the bank.

That's the only way she'll take her job seriously----having to shelter and feed herself. If you let her live at home, she might just quit jobs without a care in the world.

[StarryEyedSurprise]

I wonder if she would have done better at the vo-tech culinary school (was it too expensive for her to go?). She might not have been college material - not everyone is, but everyone these days seems to be pushed to go, and is considered a failure if they do not succeed. I hope that if she comes to realize what she CAN do and handle, that she will be mature enough to save up, for herself, the necessary funds over time and do something she cares about.

I never had help paying for college, outside of loans that were in my name alone. IMO, it's amazing how much more you value your education when the money is coming out of your pocket, not your parents'.

[Hopes]

Originally Posted by StarryEyedSurprise

I wonder if she would have done better at the vo-tech culinary school (was it too expensive for her to go?).

I too felt badly for her when I read that she couldn't go to culinary school.

Many children who aren't good at academics really shine in hands-on instruction for vo-tech type careers.

I realize that the college fund wouldn't pay for culinary school, but she could have gotten student loans.

The college fund could have been saved for future college or cashed in (like it is now) and applied towards paying off the student loan for culinary school.