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Should I call my father today for his birthday and for Father's Day?
1. I already sent him a card for both and he emailed to say thank you (the email was clearly written by my mother).
2. In years past, I've always called him. When I speak with him, he sounds really uncomfortable, like I do when I'm talking to someone who I don't like, and the conversation ends quickly.
3. We aren't close, and never were. He showed no interest in me as a child, and I haven't even spoken with him or been in touch in over a year.
4. He never calls me or even acknowledges my birthday.
So I'm thinking that I just reply to the email that my mother sent in his name, saying "Thanks and happy birthday!"?
Yes, this is a lame and weird question. He's almost 80 and won't be around for a lot longer, but I don't want to impose with an unwanted phone call.
Given the details of your (non) relationship, I think that by sending him those greeting cards in acknowledgment of your father's birthday and the upcoming holiday, you already did your best as a child towards a parent--even a distant one such as yours.
Should I call my father today for his birthday and for Father's Day?
1. I already sent him a card for both and he emailed to say thank you (the email was clearly written by my mother).
2. In years past, I've always called him. When I speak with him, he sounds really uncomfortable, like I do when I'm talking to someone who I don't like, and the conversation ends quickly.
3. We aren't close, and never were. He showed no interest in me as a child, and I haven't even spoken with him or been in touch in over a year.
4. He never calls me or even acknowledges my birthday.
So I'm thinking that I just reply to the email that my mother sent in his name, saying "Thanks and happy birthday!"?
Yes, this is a lame and weird question. He's almost 80 and won't be around for a lot longer, but I don't want to impose with an unwanted phone call.
Thanks.
If he hasn't really welcomed them before why would you continue? Maybe he's just someone who doesn't enjoy spontaneous conversations. Not someone who can chat off the cuff so it makes him feel exposed; on the spot. He may interpret your calls as attempts to force him into a different type of relationship. I'd probably follow his lead and stick to cards or email. He can take time to compose a response if he feels the desire to. Even if that's not what you'd prefer, it does show respect. Novel idea...ask your mother what she thinks. She may know him better than anyone else.
Last edited by Parnassia; 06-19-2021 at 04:16 PM..
Keep calling him - men of his generation have trouble expressing their feelings.
Thank you for saying this.
Unless your father was an outright abusive SOB, he looks forward to that call more than you know.
There are a plethora of reasons he may have had difficulty relating to you. Anything from the mores of the day, where Dad worked and Mom managed the kids, to an undiagnosed spectrum disorder. There weren't special education programs for children with communication delays, etc. They were just mainstreamed and while many were able to thrive and successfully raise families, it has to have had great impact on their lives.
Fathers weren't involved in their kid's lives like they are now. My Dad (Greatest Dad in the World BTW) wasn't even at the hospital when Mom birthed 8 of his babies, and he never attended a single school or sporting event. No plays, no softball, no spring musicals, and certainly not a PTA meeting. That was Mom work, as were birthday cards/gifts/etc. My son is President of his child's PTA - unheard of in your father's day.
I think of the socially awkward people I went to school with and wonder how different their lives would have been if we understood spectrum disorders and depression (and just mental health in general) like we do today. If they received the support they needed and we could have all learned to relate better.
And THIS.... [emphasis added]
Quote:
2. In years past, I've always called him. When I speak with him, he sounds really uncomfortable, like I do when I'm talking to someone who I don't like, and the conversation ends quickly.
This sounds a little like projection to me. Not saying it is, or that you aren't justified in feeling that way. I'm just suggesting that it might be YOU who is uncomfortable (and rightfully so) talking to a man you feel no connection with, and you're projecting that on to him. I don't know, maybe he IS uncomfortable talking on the phone. Don't take that personally in a man his age. My own father always found it odd to "call for no reason" as he put it. He came from a generation where men made phone calls to conduct business and get stuff done. Social phone calls weren't something he did. "Hi! Okay, here's your mother!" was the extent of our phone calls. I don't know, does he burn the phone lines up with everyone else and fall silent when you call? If so, something else is at play. More likely he's just an aging, socially awkward man who has trouble expressing his feelings like millions of men of his generation. Please don't judge his emotional availability to his own family, by comparing it to yours. You grew up in much more enlightened times.
I really hope you called him. Even just to say, "Hey, I'm running out but wanted to call and say Happy Birthday! Gotta run!" Keep it short and sweet, like you think he would want anyway.
And of course.... what does Mom say? You don't indicate an openly hostile family estrangement, so this really sounds more like a family with poor communication skills pretty much going through life ignoring one another, which is sad.
Unless there has been abuse, it's never too late to make things right with your parents (or your children). Good luck to you!
Also, at his age he may have other issues, such as early dementia, and this might make things awkward. Has he always been this way, or is this a change?
My own dad (whom I found out recently was not my bio-dad) NEVER called me throughout my life as an adult. I would call occasionally and talk to his wife, and then him, for a few minutes, just to check in once or twice a year. Then, suddenly around his age 70, he started calling me with long rambling, but still interesting, stories from his long ago history. He told me of the traumas he survived in the Korean war, and stories from his childhood or work years. For a while I would get these hour long calls every few weeks, then they stopped. I think for that brief moment in time, he forgot I wasn't his, and he wanted to relay these stories before he forgot them. He was in the early stages of Alzheimer's we discovered. He passed away 7 years later, unable to even recognize his wife.
Personally, I would just call your mom periodically, just keep in touch. I don't think a call, on top of the cards, is really necessary. He just sounds like a non-demonstrative guy.
Should I call my father today for his birthday and for Father's Day?
1. I already sent him a card for both and he emailed to say thank you (the email was clearly written by my mother).
2. In years past, I've always called him. When I speak with him, he sounds really uncomfortable, like I do when I'm talking to someone who I don't like, and the conversation ends quickly.
3. We aren't close, and never were. He showed no interest in me as a child, and I haven't even spoken with him or been in touch in over a year.
4. He never calls me or even acknowledges my birthday.
So I'm thinking that I just reply to the email that my mother sent in his name, saying "Thanks and happy birthday!"?
Yes, this is a lame and weird question. He's almost 80 and won't be around for a lot longer, but I don't want to impose with an unwanted phone call.
Thanks.
Is it possible he’s hard of hearing and is too proud to admit it? That could be the reason behind what seems to be disinterest. But yes, talk to your mom.
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