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You really shouldn’t be bringing up his conception at this point. He was distancing from you and then you moved out of state. You did abandon him when moving out of state. You need to take it slow and let him decide how to proceed
If he is questioning why his father was the custodial parent rather than you, can't you just tell him that both you and his father loved him and wanted to be his primary caretaker which put the decision in the hands of a judge.
Explain you were financially struggling and his father had more money to pay for better attorneys. The judge granted his father primary custody and you decided it was better for him(son) to peacefully co-parent with his father than to go to war with his father over primary custody.
The son is a grown man now - talking to him about cheating and condoms breaking accomplishes nothing. Who cares what happened back then. If you want a strong relationship with your son, work on building that relationship starting now.
His father did tell him he was an accident. The phone call I got from the father said, "he asked, so what happened dad, did the condom break" reply to son, "your mother and I loved each other very much and we were not wearing a condom" and my son said, "so, I was an accident?" father told me his reply was, "well, yes, but you know what, I was an accident, so was your aunt, my mom, your mom, most everybody was an accident. But it's okay, we loved each other and we both love you very much"
And I never say negative things about the father, my parents never spoke well of each other and I will not do that. I was going to approach my son, that telling him what he was told, was something both parents felt was best at the time. We did love each other, but we didn't get along.
The father told him we were living together when he was born and has not told him anything else, since I did not live at the fathers home, I am assuming he feels that I moved out and did not take him with me.
The ex did not even want the child, he was concerned I was after his money. I told him I did not want his money, it was his choice, if he wanted to be in the kids life, he could, if he did not, then don't, one or the other. I never asked him for a dime.
The lady he was with when I got pregnant, stayed with him for about a year after my son was born. Right after that, he started seeing another lady, who he ended up getting married to. Everybody use to call her MOM, so my son thought that was her name and called her mom. Now that he is an adult, he has said that he does not care for her and she is one of the reasons he moved out of his dad's home.
And anything I tell him now, will be admitting we (both parents) lied to him. I feel like he will understand why, and he will find comfort knowing I did not just walk away from his father and him.
My son's father has been a wonderful father. He is successful, well off, I believe a girlfriend talked him into trying to get custody so they would not have to see me? I don't know, I do believe I will ask him that tho.
At the time I was struggling, lived in a crappy house, my car hardly ran.
I have always been afraid to do anything, for fear of making it worse, making things bad between my son and his dad. I would never want to hurt either of them or the relationship.
Thanks for answering my questions, OP. It sounds like maybe your son didn't like the "arrangement" in his father's home (some lady named "mom" who apparently wasn't good to him, who knows that went on), and wishes you'd taken him with you. All you need to say, is that the judge decided his father would get primary custody, but you fought to get awarded partial custody, which was the best you could get at the time. That is the truth, no need to go into the details.
In spite of struggling economically at the time, you still observed your custody rights, correct? He spent weekends (or whatever regular schedule was worked out) at your house, you did activities together, you tried to maintain a family feel to his experience with you, right? Up until you moved away, but that was when he was near adulthood? (I'm guessing)
If that's true, you can remind him that you stayed in his life when he was growing up, you two had good times, loving times. You did the best you could with the cards you were dealt by the court, you can say.
Explaining it as a court matter avoids making dad the bad guy, it avoids messy conversations about messy adult relationships and birth control, etc. I (and others here) think, that keeping it simple and unembellished in this way would be the best route, at this point.
Years ago, when my son was just learning to walk, he tripped while trying to walk to me and hit his face on the corner of a table. The injury left a bruise on my son's cheek.
My sister dropped off my son at day care the next morning as I had a Dr. appt. Day care asked what happened to his face, my sister said, she didn't know, day care called child protective services, they came to my home that evening and took my son from me.
They put him into his father's custody, because they knew the injury did not happen while the child was with his father. They told me it was an immediate response to an injury, just temporary while they were doing an investigation.
Investigation determined that the bruise was most likely from a fall onto a hard object and the three people that saw the baby fall all said the same thing, the baby fell.
Anyway, the father has much deeper pockets then I and had the best attorney in the county we got joint legal custody and split physical custody with the primary at the father's.
So, at some point when my son was at "that age" and asking about sex and his conception, asking his father if the condom broke and if he was an accident, my son's father told him that we (me and my son's dad) loved each other very much and were in a relationship when he was created so we were not wearing a condom..
I was given the heads up on the lie told and it seemed to be best for a child that age. (Me and my son's father were not in a relationship, he had a girlfriend, we did not live together anymore, we were ex's, with benefits)
Okay, years pass, child grows up, he stops contacting me. Won't return my phone calls. I ask his dad, he knows nothing. Says, ask son.
Sorry so long, to sum it up, I found out a few years ago that my son thinks I abandoned him. And that is why his primary resident was at his fathers.
I have always worried about doing or saying something that may hurt the relationship between father and son. I have always been the bad guy, taking blame and putting up with crap, but now my kid thinks I abandoned him and I think he is old enough to know that I did not abandon him.
I had to fight for every minute I got to spend with him. I don't think it will make my son angry at his father and it might take away the anger he has at me. And so what if he does get mad at his dad, I think it's my turn to have a chance at a relationship with my son.
I don't know what else to do, go to my grave letting him think a ditched him, I have asked my son's father to please tell son the truth, but he has not done it.
Thanks for reading this long post, any thoughts would be appreciated.
Am I the only one shocked someone would ask if the condom broke? What the hell kind of stuff was he even hearing? This is a major can of worms here. Ok, now that's out of the way, there needs to be a sit down with you, your son, and your ex and the record needs to be set straight. No bull****, just the truth.
Am I the only one shocked someone would ask if the condom broke? What the hell kind of stuff was he even hearing? This is a major can of worms here. Ok, now that's out of the way, there needs to be a sit down with you, your son, and your ex and the record needs to be set straight. No bull****, just the truth.
As a HS teacher that didn't suprise me in the least
Has your son been told the events of his fall and injury? Child protective services removing him from your home and their investigation?
That led to the custody fight in court that awarded primary custody to his father.
If not, this should be explained fully. It's that fall that led to the current situation.
IMO that's where the conversation with your son should start. I'd assume there are many other details in this story that haven't been included here on C-D.
As for his question to his father about his conception, it seems odd. Not to mention cynical. It never even occurred to me to ask my father how I was conceived. Maybe the son's question was just an off-hand attempt at a joke and the father took it seriously.
I understand the father's motivation for his story, but he might have been better to just roll his eyes and ignore the question.
But what's done is done now.
OP, don't even discuss the events surrounding your son's conception, it's actually none of his business.
Focus instead on how an accident he had as he was learning to walk spun out of control and led to the joint custody agreement and all the events that followed.
1. Wanting to share with your son that your relationship was not good and you were exs WFB, is a sign that you have the need to purge yourself of negative feelings related to those times BUT please consider that for your son there would be zero benefit to him or his well-being. You seem to feel a sense of shame that you were deemed 'unworthy' and that you want your son to validate that you were/are worthy of being a great mom. You won't get that (respect, self-worth, gratefulness) though if you go into detail about how he was conceived which is not what he really wants to know or is asking. He wants confirmation that he was wanted, loved by the both of you. You definitely can give him that.
2. Regarding the abandonment, the first thing you need to do before you go into any details is to ask him WHY he thinks he was abandoned. You need to know this first because it will affect how you will proceed. His answer might not have anything to do with what you are imagining. It might be a simple fix. For all you know, his girlfriend was listening to his life story and in her sympathizing with him, put the idea in his head.
I do not see anything wrong with letting him know that he fell etc. (especially if he was pressing you on what happened exactly) but I would keep it simple and short. You can definitely let him know you and his dad did what you thought would give him the best outcome in life and that he was the best thing to ever happen to you. I would not get into so many details about you struggling, not having funds for the best lawyer, none of that. Why? It serves no purpose and adds no value to either of you. All it really does is make you feel bad about yourself all over again. Your son doesn't need that. The past is that. Be the best version of you that you can be right now and reassure him he is loved.
Good luck OP!
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