Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I can’t get past a 30 year old going out with a minor child. There’s a latent problem here. Could be daddy issues on her part and control issues on his part. 13 years difference at the age they met is not acceptable. Making babies now while unmarried sounds like a big bad decision. Also, landscapers are subject to injury and disability, especially as they push past 40. Sounds like an unstable mess in which to bring new life into the world. Add the implicit doubts expressed by OP, and the answer is no. No kids in this setup.
Yes. Big red flags waving. He found someone young and naive who is willing to put up with his carp. He will probably tire of her later and look for a newer model who "understands him".
Edit: I'm not saying the age difference is always a problem. I'm saying it is a problem in THIS relationship.
Last edited by Angry-Koala; 07-22-2021 at 06:02 AM..
Yes, we do share a home that I would call peaceful and loving and we have been living here a good year. We have very few choices for a better home, and where we live is fine but we do live in the country in an old fragile home, but it is cozy and spacious and fits our needs. We have ways to mitigate these problems and I had a good chat with my bf about this and we have seen our situation improve even before I wrote that post. I wrote that post not because I was desperate to leave my home but I was curious if there was a way to simply leave if we had that opportunity open to us so we don’t have to deal with problems like the rodents and broken windows one by one. But we really have very little options to leave, and we are happy here besides these little problems that add up and can make me fed up. But as I said, these are all little issues we can mitigate and we have. Where we live, and everyone I talk to agrees, we have a really good deal for our area, so I have decided it’s not worth the effort trying to find a better home that doesn’t have these problems cause it’s unlikely to come our way and we will just have to put up with these things as they come. I also made a blueprint of what things can be fixed/done/made up before they become bigger problems in the coming seasons. It was hard this first year of living here because I didn’t know about these issues and they just piled up!!
Better homes don’t “come your way”. You buy them with money you saved for a specific purpose. You guys sound basically broke and living hand-to-mouth on current income. Do you have $50,000 in an emergency fund? How do you and the imaginary baby live if he falls off a ladder? Is money put away for retirement? Where is the health insurance? You do have that right? Money matters big time and is a key component to family happiness. If you are basically broke, do not have a baby. If potential dad works 7 days a week, do not have a baby. If you don’t have good marketable skills and would basically be on welfare if he left and you had a baby, don’t have a baby.
In fact, I would say 2 things about having babies while being broke: 1 - It’s literally stupid. 2 - It’s basically child abuse.
Last edited by Marc Paolella; 07-22-2021 at 06:09 AM..
I didn't mention her age and took her question at face value. I dated a lot in my 20s and traveled the World but I look back at life and I may* have been happier if I chose a child. I really don't know. My sister chose the life of marrying young (about your age) and has not had to work a day excluding being a great Mom. She seems to value her family a great deal but is defensive about it. Complains a lot.
So we don't know the refinement OP has. Will she have opportunities for better men and travel ? If not, maybe this guy is it for her.
He does seem like a Svengali character.
I'm trying to read everything with an open mind but the language here is a big red flag for me. I went back and read the housing post for the first time. You mention holes, mice, bad plumbing, and broken windows/doors. This is not a place that would be safe or appropriate for a baby. But, when people have asked you about it now, you say it "may" have improved? May have? Has it or hasn't it? This shiftiness is part of why people are telling you to WAIT to have a baby until you can state definitively that you are in better living conditions. And better includes job situation, living situation, and relationship.
I can tell you right now that my husband, who also works long hours with his hands (auto mechanic) would never tolerate our kids living in a house with those issues. If we couldn't afford to have them fixed professionally, it would be his priority to fix them himself even if he needed to stay up late on the weekends to get it done. And I'm not just blowing his horn; I think any decent man would feel the same. So I really hope that these issues that "may" have improved, have actually improved, or bringing a child into the mix is really out of the question.
The job situation is also confounding because I do not understand how you can say your boyfriend "works his ass off 7 days a week" and comes home tired and short-tempered, but also is well able to provide for a child and wants to spend lots of time with that child. When will he do that? And what does this mean:
If you don't expect him to be around...why are you suggesting having children together? And since you didn't want to elaborate on your secondary income and what it involved, I'll also throw out there that while taking care of a baby and small child is really not that hard if you have all of your time to devote to it, trying to work from home while tending to a baby/small child is another story altogether. Are you planning to have family members, friends, or a babysitter watch the child while you work?
See, this is what happens when a 30-year-old picks up a teenager, and eventually moves her into a derelict property, and convinces her they're "making a home together". Now he's trying to convince her they're going to make a family together. And it all feels so adult to her, except for all the misgivings she's having, not to mention the condition of the so-called "home", the fact that the main so-called "breadwinner" works 7 days a week and comes home cranky and on edge, but plies her with dreams he can't afford, including a fictitious move "far east from here", that they can't even afford gas and lodging for to get there, wherever that may be.
I'm wondering if there's an element of Stockholm syndrome here.
I am under the impression they are renting so why wouldn't the landlord be responsible for fixing broken windows and eradicating rodents?
Because he's only charging $1000/month, far, far less than the going rate for a decent home in coastal California. He probably told them, that if they want it "as is", he'll only charge $1000. But she says they're "lucky" to get that rent in their location.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 07-22-2021 at 06:49 AM..
Get married, have kids, let him be the sole breadwinner until the kids are in school, don't count on your parents for free child care services. That's what we did with our three children. The sooner you start the better.
See, this is what happens when a 30-year-old picks up a teenager, and eventually moves her into a derelict property, and convinces her they're "making a home together". Now he's trying to convince her they're going to make a family together. And it all feels so adult to her, except for all the misgivings she's having, not to mention the condition of the so-called "home", the fact that the main so-called "breadwinner" works 7 days a week and comes home cranky and on edge, but plies her with dreams he can't afford, including a fictitious move "far east from here", that they can't even afford gas and lodging for to get there, wherever that may be.
I'm wondering if there's an element of Stockholm syndrome here.
Good synopsis. OP: pay close attention to your misgivings. They are the only things separating you from complete disaster.
New posters make me suspicious because often they start a thread with an outlandish story and then never return, tr*lling.
You’re right, it is your life and your choice. However, when you post on a public forum, you get what you get. I read all the responses on this thread and no one was unkind or insulting. You got some straight talk from people who have been around a bit longer than you have.
Regarding the age difference and when you all started dating—it’s a red flag to many. You haven’t been an adult without being in a relationship with this man. No matter how much you say you love him and your life together, you’ve never experienced anything else.
In your initial post you come across as timid and insecure, and write of concern about him maybe being frustrated with you. Were you always like that or has this relationship fed those insecurities? An out of balance power dynamic can do that.
I married a man 17 years older than I am 30 years ago. It obviously worked for us, but I also dated other people, went to college, supported myself, lived on my own and found out who I was before we began dating.
This is such a good post reebo. I usually have the same misgivings about new posters because I've been sucked into the drama and offered well thought out advice only to have the poster disappear. I don't think that's the case with this particular OP but I'm always a little leery now.
I agree with you about the dynamics of an age difference being dependent on when the relationship starts and the tender age of the OP at the beginning of the relationship is troubling.
I think you both should do it within the next year. I read your whole post, I read the positives and the negatives. You have way more positives then negatives.
Rose, TIP: don't quote an entire post like this.
We know who you are replying to.
Not trying to be rude. Peole quote far too much on this site and when it's a wall of text... which you then reply to with a wall of text... it's a lot.
OP: Don't have kids.
Too many red flags with this dude.
"He comes home cranky but I get it , he works hard"...
I work hard to and I don't come home cranky. Home is my happy place. It should be his too.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Yes. Big red flags waving. He found someone young and naive who is willing to put up with his carp. He will probably tire of her later and look for a newer model who "understands him".
