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These are questions I have as a grandmother, but I would like input from today's young parents. My DIL has always seemed overboard in her rules for her and my son's children (now ages 1 and 3), but I have always gone along with her preferences and never once complained.....until recently.
She and my son are going through a divorce and ugly child custody battle, and she is piling on the rules. This week she announced that the children can no longer come to our house at all, unless we install a fence around our inground pool (our back yard is fenced, but she wants another fence directly around the pool). She also said she wants door alarms on all exterior doors (which we already have, and she knows that). The four of them have been coming to our house for years without incident, so this feels vindictive. Through the years, the kids have rarely been at our house for more than 2 hours a week (for Sunday dinner), so her expecting us to invest thousands of dollars on a fence seems presumptuous and unreasonable. We have our eyes on the kids CONSTANTLY (more on that below) plus the door would alarm if they opened one.
Ever since they separated, whenever the kids have come here with my son (without her), she insisted that one adult be assigned to each child at all times, and the child must always be in that adult's line of sight (ok, I get it, the kids are young...but does she really need to send a note stating this?) She recently (prior to the entire ban on visits unless we get a fence) sent a photocopy page of how to childproof a home, and she handwrote "keep grapes and knives on countertop.") I raised 3 kids, my husband raised 4. Zero fatalities.
She has never once let us babysit (her own family members have).
When my entire family was here for the 4th of July weekend, she would not let the children spend the night because we do not have a crib for the 3 year old (we had an air mattress or floor space in a room with my son). Most 3 year olds aren't still sleeping in a crib at all, let alone a special occasion at Grandma's house. Right?
In the past she has texted me lists with links to Amazon of things she wanted me to buy to have at the house, like a specific Pack and Play, booster seat, baby fencing, and other things. Geez, I never demanded my parents or inlaws buy certain things. I brought them when I visited! But I dutifully bought most of the things she wanted us to have here.
My husband (my son's stepfather) thinks DIL is treating us disrespectfully and cruelly, like we are irresponsible children. I've tried to remain cordial with her for my son's sake, but all of this has really caused me and my husband a lot of stress and heartache.
Is she being over the top? (believe me, there are MANY more examples I could give). I am starting to suspect post-partum mental illness, because she was a wonderful woman prior to having children.
Sounds to me like your son is smart to be divorcing this woman. Don't cave to her unreasonable demands. I feel bad for the grandkids, and for you as grandparents, but stand your ground! Don't cave!
These are questions I have as a grandmother, but I would like input from today's young parents. My DIL has always seemed overboard in her rules for her and my son's children (now ages 1 and 3), but I have always gone along with her preferences and never once complained.....until recently.
She and my son are going through a divorce and ugly child custody battle, and she is piling on the rules. This week she announced that the children can no longer come to our house at all, unless we install a fence around our inground pool (our back yard is fenced, but she wants another fence directly around the pool). She also said she wants door alarms on all exterior doors (which we already have, and she knows that). The four of them have been coming to our house for years without incident, so this feels vindictive. Through the years, the kids have rarely been at our house for more than 2 hours a week (for Sunday dinner), so her expecting us to invest thousands of dollars on a fence seems presumptuous and unreasonable. We have our eyes on the kids CONSTANTLY (more on that below) plus the door would alarm if they opened one.
Ever since they separated, whenever the kids have come here with my son (without her), she insisted that one adult be assigned to each child at all times, and the child must always be in that adult's line of sight (ok, I get it, the kids are young...but does she really need to send a note stating this?) She recently (prior to the entire ban on visits unless we get a fence) sent a photocopy page of how to childproof a home, and she handwrote "keep grapes and knives on countertop.") I raised 3 kids, my husband raised 4. Zero fatalities.
She has never once let us babysit (her own family members have).
When my entire family was here for the 4th of July weekend, she would not let the children spend the night because we do not have a crib for the 3 year old (we had an air mattress or floor space in a room with my son). Most 3 year olds aren't still sleeping in a crib at all, let alone a special occasion at Grandma's house. Right?
In the past she has texted me lists with links to Amazon of things she wanted me to buy to have at the house, like a specific Pack and Play, booster seat, baby fencing, and other things. Geez, I never demanded my parents or inlaws buy certain things. I brought them when I visited! But I dutifully bought most of the things she wanted us to have here.
My husband (my son's stepfather) thinks DIL is treating us disrespectfully and cruelly, like we are irresponsible children. I've tried to remain cordial with her for my son's sake, but all of this has really caused me and my husband a lot of stress and heartache.
Is she being over the top? (believe me, there are MANY more examples I could give). I am starting to suspect post-partum mental illness, because she was a wonderful woman prior to having children.
Those items are all great suggestions, as long as she's paying for them.
Fences around pools (not just the yard) are required in my area. I don't think that's an unreasonable request. someone else mentioned a pool cover, that's a good option as well. As long as the cover can be locked to keep it from being undone.
I am rather surprised that pool fences are not required everywhere because they certainly are here. Our house is actually on the waterfront and the rules used to be different when we bought the house. But when grandchildren arrived we fenced the pool properly. Car seats here are required to be tethered and that is a real nuisance for many grandparents but we have to deal with it if we want to drive the kids.
Well I could totally agree that much of what she is asking is over the top And It could justify your outrage and sense of righteousness BUT do you want to be RIGHT or do you want to find a way to nurture a relationship with your grandchildren? You can escalate this and damage your future chances with your grandchildren or Put aside your ego and sense or being insulted .
Try to respect that this is a very distressed future single mother. You may not like her but she is the mother of YOUR grandchildren. You want to be a part of their lives then You can try to address her concerns through gritted teeth.
Unfortunately because she sounds like a nervous wreck who will make her kids a nervous wreck too, the DIL is right about the pool. My son was 9 when an acquaintance, whom he was playing with in a pool, drowned. It was the worst day of his life.
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