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These are questions I have as a grandmother, but I would like input from today's young parents. My DIL has always seemed overboard in her rules for her and my son's children (now ages 1 and 3), but I have always gone along with her preferences and never once complained.....until recently.
She and my son are going through a divorce and ugly child custody battle, and she is piling on the rules. This week she announced that the children can no longer come to our house at all, unless we install a fence around our inground pool (our back yard is fenced, but she wants another fence directly around the pool). She also said she wants door alarms on all exterior doors (which we already have, and she knows that). The four of them have been coming to our house for years without incident, so this feels vindictive. Through the years, the kids have rarely been at our house for more than 2 hours a week (for Sunday dinner), so her expecting us to invest thousands of dollars on a fence seems presumptuous and unreasonable. We have our eyes on the kids CONSTANTLY (more on that below) plus the door would alarm if they opened one.
Ever since they separated, whenever the kids have come here with my son (without her), she insisted that one adult be assigned to each child at all times, and the child must always be in that adult's line of sight (ok, I get it, the kids are young...but does she really need to send a note stating this?) She recently (prior to the entire ban on visits unless we get a fence) sent a photocopy page of how to childproof a home, and she handwrote "keep grapes and knives on countertop.") I raised 3 kids, my husband raised 4. Zero fatalities.
She has never once let us babysit (her own family members have).
When my entire family was here for the 4th of July weekend, she would not let the children spend the night because we do not have a crib for the 3 year old (we had an air mattress or floor space in a room with my son). Most 3 year olds aren't still sleeping in a crib at all, let alone a special occasion at Grandma's house. Right?
In the past she has texted me lists with links to Amazon of things she wanted me to buy to have at the house, like a specific Pack and Play, booster seat, baby fencing, and other things. Geez, I never demanded my parents or inlaws buy certain things. I brought them when I visited! But I dutifully bought most of the things she wanted us to have here.
My husband (my son's stepfather) thinks DIL is treating us disrespectfully and cruelly, like we are irresponsible children. I've tried to remain cordial with her for my son's sake, but all of this has really caused me and my husband a lot of stress and heartache.
Is she being over the top? (believe me, there are MANY more examples I could give). I am starting to suspect post-partum mental illness, because she was a wonderful woman prior to having children.
I do have misgivings about the pool situation. My son's babysitter had an inground pool, and although the yard itself was fenced, he managed to walk out the back door to the edge of the pool before she could grab him. It happened quickly, and even if the door alarm went off, it would take several seconds to catch up to a determined toddler.
She seems like a demanding, if dedicated, mother. And, with a divorce and contentious custody battle, I'm sure some vindictiveness is involved. Hopefully your son's lawyer can hammer out a fair agreement, that includes what reasonable accommodations you should be expected to comply with.
A fence around a pool is a reasonable expectation when dealing with toddlers. I would not consider it safe to have a back door that opens directly into an area with a pool. She may have been willing to put up with it for her husband's sake, but that's no longer her concern.
I suspect that given the contentious divorce, you may be getting wrapped into what your former DIL sees as irresponsible parenting from your son.
Thanks for your thoughts. A few more of mine:
I have lived a lot of places, and I have never seen any pool with this type of fence. It's apparently not common in the 8 different states, and even more towns, that I have lived in.
She never required a fence when she was here with the kids. But for me, my son, and my husband, we are apparently not as trustworthy as she is to keep them safe.
We offered to hire a certified lifeguard for the couple of hours they would occasionally be here. She also has alarm type of bracelets for the kids. But those are not acceptable options (not sure why she bought them and now won't use them).
It makes me wonder about when they go places like resorts, cruises, other people's homes, etc, with pools. I know these places do not have fences. That is why I said this feels vindictive, like we (me, son, and husband) are not "trustworthy," but she apparently is.
Lastly, I am afraid that if we spent the money on a fence, she'd just come up with another excuse to not them them come here. I really don't think it's about the fence. Which is why I mentioned several different points and my concern about mental illness.
Thanks for your thoughts. A few more of mine:
I have lived a lot of places, and I have never seen any pool with this type of fence. It's apparently not common in the 8 different states, and even more towns, that I have lived in.
She never required a fence when she was here with the kids. But for me, my son, and my husband, we are apparently not as trustworthy as she is to keep them safe.
We offered to hire a certified lifeguard for the couple of hours they would occasionally be here. She also has alarm type of bracelets for the kids. But those are not acceptable options (not sure why she bought them and now won't use them).
It makes me wonder about when they go places like resorts, cruises, other people's homes, etc, with pools. I know these places do not have fences. That is why I said this feels vindictive, like we (me, son, and husband) are not "trustworthy," but she apparently is.
Lastly, I am afraid that if we spent the money on a fence, she'd just come up with another excuse to not them them come here. I really don't think it's about the fence. Which is why I mentioned several different points and my concern about mental illness.
the article says that fences are required in arizona and florida.
maybe she just feels that she keeps a closer eye on them?
Might suffer from anxiety - so try to help her feel relaxed and calm.
I'm not a grandmother (wish I was) but I am of grandmother age. If I had grandchildren who spent time at my house I would put a fence up around the pool without being asked. The fence around the perimeter of your property is irrelevant to the immediate and very real danger to two toddlers of an unfenced pool.
By spelling things out she's making her expectations regarding the care of her children clear. I think that's a very smart thing to do. This is a terribly difficult time for all involved and if I were in your shoes, I would do what I could to ease her worries about her children when they are out of her sight. I don't see her requests as personal affronts to you and your husband. Speculating about mental illness can't help.
I've lived in Arizona, Nevada and Florida and raised our two kids in AZ and NV. Fences around pools are very common when there are young children in the family. I also remember reading about tragedies that occurred in pools when kids where visiting the grandparents.
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