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(snip) Or how about the fact that we have never been allowed to babysit? Our history as parents and human beings is impeccable.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bobspez
Her kids, her rules. If you want to see the kids, comply. Many times after a divorce the grandparents lose contact with the grandkids altogether.
I am a grandma who lives 2,000 miles away from my grandkids.
When I visited them, when my grandson was a few months old, I was asked/allowed to "babysit" for the first time while the parents were at a function in the same building, but in a different room. And, they checked on him (me) every 30 minutes. Did I complain? Heck, no. Their child, their rules.
When I visited them, when my grandson was one year old, I was only asked/allowed to babysit for two days for a few hours each day. The other days of my vacation they paid the nanny to provide childcare. Did I complain? Heck, no. Their child, their rules.
The first day (of the two days that I was asked/allowed to babysit), my DIL asked both of her parents to come over to basically share responsibilities and "keep an eye on me". Did I complain? Heck, no. Their child, their rules.
To put some perspective to my skills, knowledge and experience, not only was a mother to two children but I have extensive training in parenting. For a number of years, my career wasteachingappropriate parenting skills to new parents. I also had a master's degree in early childhood development and had taught either birth to age three children or three to five year old children for twenty years. Did I complain that they didn't want me to babysit? Heck, no. Their child, their rules.
BTW, I never made any parenting suggestions and certainly never commented on anything about their parenting style or rules. I did answer specific questions, but usually added a qualifier such as, "this is what I was taught or this was my experience, but discuss this with your doctor and do what you feel is best for your child."
If it took a while for for my DIL to feel confident in my babysitting abilities so be it. Each time that they visited me or I visited them I was asked/allowed to babysit for longer and longer periods of time. Their child, their rules.
My grandchildren are now 7 and 5. During my last trip to visit them I was asked to babysit every day from when camp ending at 3 PM and when the parents got home from work at 7 PM. As it happened, the five year old was sick and couldn't go to camp for three days (strict Covid rules) so I suddenly had her for many hours each day. Neither parent had any hesitation in have me babysit for the longer period.
And, I suspect that soon the parents may ask me to babysit over night or for a weekend during one of my visits, so they can have a mini-vacation. I am willing to wait without complaining, their children, their rules.
Their child (children), their rules.
Last edited by germaine2626; 07-26-2021 at 12:37 PM..
The divorce is between your Don and his wife. If, for the duration of the divorce you didn't see the grandchildren, at least at your home, would that work? You don't have to respond to your DIL. She can demand all she wants, but I don't see how it can be made a requirement for you to do anything.
Your son should get a certain amount of time with his children. Unless he can be in some way shown unfit, when the divorce is over he can bring the children over to see you. Yes, the pool would concern me, but she seems a little nuts with the other stuff. It sounds as if she's either off her meds or needs them changed.
Hopefully your son will avoid having a relationship with anyone that has anxiety issues in the future.
I am a grandma who lives 2,000 miles away from my grandkids.
When I visited them, when my grandson was a few months old, I was asked/allowed to "babysit" for the first time while the parents were at a function in the same building, but in a different room. And, they checked on him (me) every 30 minutes. Did I complain? Heck, no. Their child, their rules.
When I visited them, when my grandson was one year old, I was only asked/allowed to babysit for two days for a few hours each day. The other days of my vacation they paid the nanny to provide childcare. Did I complain? Heck, no. Their child, their rules.
The first day (of the two days that I was asked/allowed to babysit), my DIL asked both of her parents to come over to basically share responsibilities and "keep an eye on me". Did I complain? Heck, no. Their child, their rules.
To put some perspective to my skills, knowledge and experience, not only was a mother to two children but I have extensive training in parenting. For a number of years, my career wasteachingappropriate parenting skills to new parents. I also had a master's degree in early childhood development and had taught either birth to age three children or three to five year old children for twenty years. Did I complain that they didn't want me to babysit? Heck, no. Their child, their rules.
If it took a while for for my DIL to feel confident in my babysitting abilities so be it. Each time that they visited me or I visited them I was asked/allowed to babysit for longer and longer periods of time. Their child, their rules.
My grandchildren are now 7 and 5. During my last trip to visit them I was asked to babysit every day from when camp ending at 3 PM and when the parents got home from work at 7 PM. As it happened, the five year old was sick and couldn't go to camp for three days (strict Covid rules) so I suddenly had her for many hours each day. Neither parent had any hesitation in have me babysit for the longer period.
And, I suspect that soon the parents may ask me to babysit over night or for a weekend during one of my visits, so they can have a mini-vacation. I am willing to wait without complaining, their children, their rules.
Their child (children), their rules.
Yep, their children, their rules, but that doesn't make every rule correct, wise, or appropriate. In your case, and with your experience, I don't think the rules were reasonable at all. She had the other grandparents over to "keep an eye" on YOU?! Sorry, that's nuts, but I'm glad you were able to tolerate it.
Yep, their children, their rules, but that doesn't make every rule correct, wise, or appropriate. In your case, and with your experience, I don't think the rules were reasonable at all. She had the other grandparents over to "keep an eye" on YOU?! Sorry, that's nuts, but I'm glad you were able to tolerate it.
After the parents left, her parents told me that they thought that it was hilarious that they were supposed to "keep an eye" on my child care/babysitting skills. They even said that with my training and experience, I should be teaching them what to do. I just shrugged.
"Yep, their children, their rules, but that doesn't make every rule correct, wise, or appropriate." This where we disagree. IMHO, if it is the parents' rule, it becomes a "correct, wise and appropriate" rule unless it is something that is unsafe or harmful or dangerous.
Last edited by germaine2626; 07-26-2021 at 02:29 PM..
It sounds like she is having a hard time adapting to her children being outside of her watchful eye. They are very young, and I'm guessing have spent little time at other people's houses without her. So yeah, she's probably telling you things you don't need to be told, but that is her way of managing her own stress about having to let go of being able to be the one who is in charge of keeping her kids safe.
I would go ahead and get one of the mesh pool fences - whether it's little kids or pets, it's so much safer to have them. The rest of of it, I would just say thanks for the reminder, we all want what's best for the kids and to keep them safe. You don't have to agree she's right, you just need to respect her role as mother and how big an adjustment it is for her to have to rely on others to keep her kids safe.
Although it's hard, try not to take it personally because you have a lot of years ahead of you of trying to present a cordial and positive relationship with your grandchildren's mother
Her 3 year old has to have a crib? That’s a new one for me. My children would have climbed out of that crib way before then. Seems more dangerous than a bed as that is a fall on the head just waiting to happen.
Who takes care of the children during the day? Is there a nanny at the parents’ home or do they go to daycare?
She does sound like she has had a change in anxiety level, particularly after the second baby. I would think her own parents would pick up on that unless they want her and the children staying with them. What a sad situation for you all.
Yes to the fence around the pool. They were not common years ago (when we had a pool) but certainly are now.
She's going through a difficult time. She is feeling anxious about the fact that she will be separated from her very small children for extended periods of time, from now on, and is feeling out of control. All the letters and rules seem vindictive to you, but I suspect they are coming from a place of unhappiness and anxiety.
I think the best thing you can do at this point is suck it up and assure her that you will follow all of her rules to keep her babies safe.
A rule about keeping grapes and knives on the counter...of COURSE you would and it's insulting to suggest otherwise (what grandparent would put grapes or knives on the floor?), but this is where you just peaceably agree to follow the instructions.
After a while with no incidents, she may relax.
By the way, I had a near-drowning experience with my four-year-old son in a neighborhood pool while I was sitting right there, so the fence around the pool sounds like an absolutely reasonable request to me. I would insist on the same if I was the mother of the toddlers, door alarms or not, and a refusal to fence the pool would also be met by me with a refusal to allow the children to be there.
The pool fence is the only reasonable request. Once the divorce is final she won’t be able to dictate what your son does on the days your son has his kids. Until then I would just try not to have conflicts with her. Germaine, you have amazing patience to be treated that way for years in regards to the kids and not saying anything. I probably would have visited and said great you don’t need me to babysit).
After the parents left, her parents told me that they thought that it was hilarious that they were supposed to "keep an eye" on my child care/babysitting skills. They even said that with my training and experience, I should be teaching them what to do. I just shrugged.
"Yep, their children, their rules, but that doesn't make every rule correct, wise, or appropriate." This where we disagree. IMHO, if it is the parents' rule, it becomes a "correct, wise and appropriate" rule unless it is something that is unsafe or harmful or dangerous.
You are amazing and your DIL is one lucky young lady. Enjoy!
Yes, I'm surprised someone with a pool has never heard of this. I don't even have a pool, but know pool areas (not just the entire yard) should be enclosed with a fence.
Drowning is the leading cause of death in children ages 1-4. Even if one of the children gets out, and someone is quickly able to rescue the child before they die, there is still a risk of permanent brain damage. The alarms on the door are not going to prevent a child from getting into the pool.
According to the CDC:
A four-sided isolation fence which separates the pool area from the house and yard reduces a child’s risk of drowning by 83% compared to three-sided property-line fencing (which encloses the entire yard, but does not separate the pool from the house).
Most drownings happen in home swimming pools among children ages 1–4.
Olympian Bode Miller's daughter died from a pool drowning just a few years ago. She was pulled out of the water alive, but had too much brain damage to survive. They were at a friend's house who's pool did not have a fence. A fence would have saved her life.
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