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Don't kick them out but start billing them for their share of household expenses. Even a token amount of rent if you want. Start small and escalate over time so they can learn to adjust. Tough love has it's place but it's a last resort and it doesn't sound like you've run out of options. They already go to college and work part time, that's more than many young adults their age so it's not like they're useless lumps on a log.
If you don't really need the rent money but want to teach them some responsibility you can put the money in an account and give it back to them when they move out so they have a little extra cash to get started with. Or even save it for a time when you don't think they'll just smoke and drink it away.
Last edited by Toxic Waltz; 08-19-2021 at 06:22 AM..
Well seeing as they’re both in college and have jobs that pay for their fun as the OP stated it doesn’t sound like they’re just sitting around doing nothing.
In fact, at 18 and 20 to be in school, working and paying for all their extras that’s pretty on track for where they should be, after all full time jobs will come AFTER they get degrees that enable them to get full time careers and not just crap jobs.
You're right. After rereading the OP's posts, i retract my statement and agree with you
Sounds like the OP doesn't like it for personal reasons but didn't suggest they were slacking off. I made that assumption
I worry because drug and alcohol addiction run in my family. I had a parent and sibling addicted. One of my children has ADHD and the other has depression. It’s a recipe for disaster. I hate sitting back while it happens but likeyousaidit pushes them away when I get on their case about it. It’s a lose lose situation. I’m just really disappointed in them for choosing these behaviors. They are both in college and work but they pay for nothing except their weed and fun. We support them fully financially
Many, many people at that age live to party and get F'd up. I sure did, all my friends did. Almost 20 years later we're all still here. If the kids are in college and doing well enough I wouldn't think there's a problem at all.
You don’t have to support it by funding their lifestyle, but absolutely nothing you do will determine if any of them start abusing substances. You have no control over what they choose to do. Accept it.
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but I learned the hard way.
Many, many people at that age live to party and get F'd up. I sure did, all my friends did. Almost 20 years later we're all still here. If the kids are in college and doing well enough I wouldn't think there's a problem at all.
True - could not tell if they lived at home or not.
If they don't how does mom know what they are doing? Our parents certainly did not know. We lived on campus a few hours away.
It is hard to comment with too much authority without knowing more circumstances. For example are they drinking/smoking during a party, or are they home alone spacing out. I'm not for it either way, but it can make a difference to me as a parent. If I thought my kid was socializing, and fitting in/growing up, I wouldn't be as concerned as I would if I felt they were stagnating home alone smoking dope until they passed out.
Overall, I think drug use is mostly a hinderance to attaining the types of qualities needed to succeed, especially for young adults your children's age. Are they getting marketable skills through school or hobbies, if not, I'd encourage that as a substitute for some of the silly party'ing Hopefully your relationship is such that you can drop some pearls of wisdom on how to improve their lives/futures.
I mean sure she can logically deduce that her kids are using when they aren’t at home under her roof but what I’m saying is when they venture out into the public they’re held to the laws of their state and country not their rules at home. My mom hasn’t ever really liked the fact that I smoke and in the beginning she told me no smoking and it was a definite no-no at or around the house. I was 21, I was old enough. I smoked at my ex’s place, his parents, the disc golf course in the trees because I wasn’t at home my moms rule of no smoking didn’t extend to those places.
Excessive is subjective and in the eye of the beholder. My mom still thinks my usage is “excessive” and she doesn’t care that I work 65 hours a week, she doesn’t care that my place is clean, she doesn’t care about anything at all because I’m her opinion it’s “too much”, even though she’s not a user herself and has nothing to compare it against.
Well seeing as they’re both in college and have jobs that pay for their fun as the OP stated it doesn’t sound like they’re just sitting around doing nothing.
In fact, at 18 and 20 to be in school, working and paying for all their extras that’s pretty on track for where they should be, after all full time jobs will come AFTER they get degrees that enable them to get full time careers and not just crap jobs.
If they are in college drinking underage, driving Op's car around while Op is paying their college, car insurance, etc then Op can take that car away and even bring those children back home if needed. I get the impression that they are already under Op's roof because Op seems to know how much and what they are doing.
If they are drinking and getting high outside the house and then driving Op's car, it is Op's duty as a parent and as a human being to take their keys away before a tragedy happens.
I have read your problem and i know the situation very well because simlilarly my friend also had a habit of all those things like drugs and alcohol. So to solve this problem i told her to join the rehab recovery sober living home to assist those leaving substance abuse treatment to transition into day-to-day living without the use of drugs and/or alcohol.
Rehab center provide long-term transitional living services in a safe, secure, and healthy family environment. They are designed to assist small groups of committed people seeking recovery from the disease of addiction and provide sober living for women and men.
If you really feel like you need to do something for them then its a best suggestion from my side.
Not everyone who parties is addicted and not everyone who’s addicted parties.
This is exactly what the OP is doing to her children.
They’re 18 and 20 and they’re in college and recreationally party outside of school and their jobs.
Why on earth would they need a sober living facility?
Sober living facilities are for people who struggle with addiction to the point it affects their abilities in maintaining their responsibilities.
These young adults are not only in college but are also holding part time jobs and the OP never once mentioned that any of their recreational activities are affecting their school or work.
Now if their usage was affecting their school work or their ability to hold a job then I would say they should seek some form of counseling and assistance BUT that has been determined to not be the case.
I hate when people say stupid crap like you just did. Just because someone drinks or smokes pot doesn’t mean they’re addicted, also you can’t become addicted to marijuana, literally chemically impossible.
Insinuating that anyone who drinks or smokes needs rehab simply because they choose to drink or smoke is incredibly rude.
If they are in college drinking underage, driving Op's car around while Op is paying their college, car insurance, etc then Op can take that car away and even bring those children back home if needed. I get the impression that they are already under Op's roof because Op seems to know how much and what they are doing.
If they are drinking and getting high outside the house and then driving Op's car, it is Op's duty as a parent and as a human being to take their keys away before a tragedy happens.
Why does them drinking and smoking automatically equate to them driving while doing so?
Is it entirely unbelievable that they’re safe and responsible while they do so?
I drank and smoked between 18-21 and never drove.
I either hid in the backyard and smoked or I smoked at my ex boyfriends but I didn’t drive around after smoking or drinking and if I drank somewhere that’s where I stayed for the night.
Also if they’re over the age of 18 they can’t be forced to move home if they don’t already live at home. Sure mom and dad can pull the funding for them to live at college if that is the case but they could choose to get full time jobs and live somewhere else but they can’t be forced into living at home.
Your wording concerns me…. “even bring those children home”…sure they are her children but they are not children, they’re 18 and 20 and need to be looked at as adults and not children.
If people keep infantilizing young adults they’ll never grow up.
We have a whole generation of helicopter parents who parented my generation and instead of us being let out into the world at 18 we were kept home by an economic crisis created by our parents and then kept trapped in some pre-adolescent hellscape.
You have parents who have intricately woven themselves into every facet of their 18+ young adult child’s life, they still track them with life360, still control where they stay the night, what time they go to bed, require permission to be asked to do things still, their phones monitored, their clothing choices controlled, every little thing still dictated and puppeted by the parents and then people wonder why my generation hasn’t “grown up” in their 20s and into their 30s.
It’s hard to be in the mindset of starting a career, looking for a spouse and beginning a life of your own when mommy and daddy still tell you to go get changed before you leave or are still telling you “you need to put the phone down and go to bed”.
If you’re still treating someone at 18+ the same way you treated them before hand you’re failing them miserably.
You don’t build someone up to be a successful adult by controlling their every action like a child as long as possible.
Nearly an entire generation has been crippled by this kind of poor parenting.
One of my best friends went out and bought her own phone and started her own phone plan on her 18th birthday. Most parents would be ESTATIC they didn’t have to pay yet another bill anymore, they’d be proud their kid was taking on some responsibility.
Instead of a normal healthy response my friends mom gave her an ultimatum either take that phone back to Verizon and use the phone they provided which they could monitor or she was getting kicked out. My friend was nerdy too, straight A kinda student, not many friends, read at lunch type of girl, junior marine/ police cadet and her family wasn’t even the military type.
That’s just…just…wtf…it’s so abnormal it’s cringe, it’s unhealthy, like I almost wonder if it’s some sort of mental illness to be like that.
Why does them drinking and smoking automatically equate to them driving while doing so?
Is it entirely unbelievable that they’re safe and responsible while they do so?
I drank and smoked between 18-21 and never drove.
I either hid in the backyard and smoked or I smoked at my ex boyfriends but I didn’t drive around after smoking or drinking and if I drank somewhere that’s where I stayed for the night.
Also if they’re over the age of 18 they can’t be forced to move home if they don’t already live at home. Sure mom and dad can pull the funding for them to live at college if that is the case but they could choose to get full time jobs and live somewhere else but they can’t be forced into living at home.
Your wording concerns me…. “even bring those children home”…sure they are her children but they are not children, they’re 18 and 20 and need to be looked at as adults and not children.
If people keep infantilizing young adults they’ll never grow up.
We have a whole generation of helicopter parents who parented my generation and instead of us being let out into the world at 18 we were kept home by an economic crisis created by our parents and then kept trapped in some pre-adolescent hellscape.
You have parents who have intricately woven themselves into every facet of their 18+ young adult child’s life, they still track them with life360, still control where they stay the night, what time they go to bed, require permission to be asked to do things still, their phones monitored, their clothing choices controlled, every little thing still dictated and puppeted by the parents and then people wonder why my generation hasn’t “grown up” in their 20s and into their 30s.
It’s hard to be in the mindset of starting a career, looking for a spouse and beginning a life of your own when mommy and daddy still tell you to go get changed before you leave or are still telling you “you need to put the phone down and go to bed”.
If you’re still treating someone at 18+ the same way you treated them before hand you’re failing them miserably.
You don’t build someone up to be a successful adult by controlling their every action like a child as long as possible.
Nearly an entire generation has been crippled by this kind of poor parenting.
One of my best friends went out and bought her own phone and started her own phone plan on her 18th birthday. Most parents would be ESTATIC they didn’t have to pay yet another bill anymore, they’d be proud their kid was taking on some responsibility.
Instead of a normal healthy response my friends mom gave her an ultimatum either take that phone back to Verizon and use the phone they provided which they could monitor or she was getting kicked out. My friend was nerdy too, straight A kinda student, not many friends, read at lunch type of girl, junior marine/ police cadet and her family wasn’t even the military type.
That’s just…just…wtf…it’s so abnormal it’s cringe, it’s unhealthy, like I almost wonder if it’s some sort of mental illness to be like that.
So basically you think that the gold standard of parenting should be having teens/20 somethings living under your roof, driving around your car that you pay insurance on while the kids...uhhh, adults....are spending their own money on pot, alcohol and other fun stuff and their idea of responsibility is sleeping overnight at their friends' houses if they are too wasted to drive home safely.
If my kids were basically spending their days getting drunk and high, I would have no problem pulling the funding for their college and taking away their (actually MY) car.
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