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My partner and I had a baby, and I am taking care of him 20h per day and my partner who works 8 hours/day, takes care of him about 4 hours when i get my sleep. I am very sleep deprived and get some relief on the weekends when he is watching the baby for more than 4 hours.
Recently, baby would nap during the day only if being held. The second I put him in a bassinet he wakes up. I tried putting him regardless and he ended up being awake for 10 hours (he is 4 weeks old).
So, I read that you cant spoil the baby that young and it is ok to hold him to sleep. I was doing that for days now, holding him so he can get some sleep and is not overtired.
On the weekend I asked my partner to do the same and he refused. He said he may need to go pee or something and it is ridiculous to hold the baby for two hours. I suggested he watches tv but he said he doesn’t feel watching tv and wanted to work on the project for his work (even tho he is not paid to work overtime).
I ended up not getting any extra sleep on the weekend as I had the baby the entire time. It was either I get to sleep or baby get some sleep. I know if I left him with his dad, he would have been up the entire time.
So, today, I am super tired as I was up the entire night and I am mad. My partner got up this morning and said I love you and I couldn’t say it back. I just don’t believe he does love me anymore. Was it too much to hold the baby for two hours so we both can be happy????
Additional info: he is not a completely bad father. He bottle feeds baby, changes diapers and helps me bath him. However, I feel whenever he needs to do something he really doesnt like he refuses. For example, baby spits up a lot after eating and I suggested we use slow flow bottles. He refused because baby takes much longer to finish the bottle and it is easier if done in 5-10 min. Things like this dont even make me mad anymore, instead my heart feels heavy and I am not sure how to proceed.
Am I overreacting or he is just inconsiderate? How do I tell him this? I am tired of getting into arguments.
Im probably wrong, and Im sure Ill be told Im wrong, but I cant imagine asking someone to hold a baby for 2 hours. It just seems....wrong somehow.
General consensus is you can't hold a newborn too much, but it is too much if it's interfering in your life. Does the OP swaddle the baby? That often gives comfort and a feeling of security.
This website gives an idea of when it's realistic to form sleep habits.
Despite all the warnings about creating unwanted precedents, Dubief says that babies don’t have the mental capacity to form habits in those first eight weeks of life and won’t learn “independent sleep” (falling asleep on their own) until somewhere between four and eight months.
Somewhere in between, letting your baby nap on you may need to stop. “If your baby has only slept on an adult, by six months, they will know this is the only way to nap and will become quite upset when you attempt to deviate from the norm,” warns Dubief. “If you don’t want to let them nap on you for the long haul, gradually backing out of it earlier—starting at three months—is ideal.”
General consensus is you can't hold a newborn too much, but it is too much if it's interfering in your life. Does the OP swaddle the baby? That often gives comfort and a feeling of security.
This website gives an idea of when it's realistic to form sleep habits.
I have been focusing on the last piece of info talking about babies not being able to form habits early in their life. My baby is 4 weeks old and I was thinking of sleep training him when he is 8weeks or possibly three months (but that is a topic for a different forum).
And since he was getting barely any sleep, I thought holding him will at least solve his sleep deprivation.
Someone said “expecting someone to hold baby for 2 hours is too much” I dont think that his dad is just someone
I have been focusing on the last piece of info talking about babies not being able to form habits early in their life. My baby is 4 weeks old and I was thinking of sleep training him when he is 8weeks or possibly three months (but that is a topic for a different forum).
And since he was getting barely any sleep, I thought holding him will at least solve his sleep deprivation.
Someone said “expecting someone to hold baby for 2 hours is too much” I dont think that his dad is just someone
This may just boil down to different parenting styles. You're both new at it, your husband is also at the start of a new job, you're both stressed and sleep-deprived.
It's a tough time, being a new parent and the only thing I can really suggest is talk to him about your views and see what the two of you can come up with, instead of going straight to feeling unloved because he isn't doing what you want.
I get the impression, between this post and your other thread, that your partner is either lazy, or doesn't want to be involved in rearing this child or taking on any responsibility. Maybe this isn't the case, but this is the vibe I am getting.
Your partner needs to step up. No excuses
Works for 8 hours and can only watch the baby for 4 hours? Wants to come home from work and relax (from the other thread) Cry me a river. When my son was born and my wife was on maternity leave, i used to rush home from work to help her. When my son would be crying all night I used to relieve my wife in the middle of the night and wake up on the floor of my son's room at 6AM (only getting 2-3 hours of sleep myself) and get set to go to work. We used to text each other "tag" and swap off when one needed a break or was getting overwhelmed. It was a team effort.
You folks need to get on the same page and get the support you need to raise this baby. I hate to say it, but it sounds like you aren't getting that and may not. There's no reason why your partner cannot contribute more than he has to. Seek out help from your parents, or partner's parents or whoever you can so that you can rest.
My son needed to be held to sleep when he was first born. I've held him many times (for 2 hours or more) while he slept and just watched tv or a movie. If my wife asked me to hold him so she and he could get some sleep, i did it. No excuses. I remember watching football on Sun with my sleeping child on me for the entire game. If i had to use the bathroom, I improvised, or waiting until another relative came by and could hand off for a 10 min break. You did what you had to do no matter how tired you were.
Maybe i'm reading this wrong, but as a new dad I was excited to be there for my wife and child and barely got any sleep for the first 12 months.
You guys need to communicate in a healthy way. There is no need for an argument. Let him know you are overwhelmed, he should be open to listening and not getting defensive. And, he should ask what he can do to help. The conversation shold be more around supporting one another rather that blaming, etc. Caring for a baby can overwhlem pretty much everyone pretty quickly.
How about getting a baby swing? You can wind it up, and let it do its magic.
Also, I was wondering if you can rule out colic for your baby? Does your baby cry a lot? Like it's in pain, for hours? If so, try mylicon drops. Heck, try the mylicon drops anyway...you said something about wanting to change bottles, but father doesn't want to do that. If baby is swallowing too fast, it might be getting belly aches, and the drops will help with gas.
I get the impression, between this post and your other thread, that your partner is either lazy, or doesn't want to be involved in rearing this child or taking on any responsibility. Maybe this isn't the case, but this is the vibe I am getting.
Your partner needs to step up. No excuses
Works for 8 hours and can only watch the baby for 4 hours? Wants to come home from work and relax (from the other thread) Cry me a river. When my son was born and my wife was on maternity leave, i used to rush home from work to help her. When my son would be crying all night I used to relieve my wife in the middle of the night and wake up on the floor of my son's room at 6AM (only getting 2-3 hours of sleep myself) and get set to go to work. We used to text each other "tag" and swap off when one needed a break or was getting overwhelmed. It was a team effort.
You folks need to get on the same page and get the support you need to raise this baby. I hate to say it, but it sounds like you aren't getting that and may not. There's no reason why your partner cannot contribute more than he has to. Seek out help from your parents, or partner's parents or whoever you can so that you can rest.
My son needed to be held to sleep when he was first born. I've held him many times (for 2 hours or more) while he slept and just watched tv or a movie. If my wife asked me to hold him so she and he could get some sleep, i did it. No excuses. I remember watching football on Sun with my sleeping child on me for the entire game. If i had to use the bathroom, I improvised, or waiting until another relative came by and could hand off for a 10 min break. You did what you had to do no matter how tired you were.
Maybe i'm reading this wrong, but as a new dad I was excited to be there for my wife and child and barely got any sleep for the first 12 months.
From what I can tell he loves the baby. However, he gets extremely frustrated when baby is crying or is fussy. I would go to sleep and hear him saying “wtf” and such. He would complain that the baby is difficult and fussy, while I think he is easy. Yes, he may not nap much during the day unless held… but he never cries. He is mostly happy baby.
So, our conversation went something like this:
He: you need to get some sleep. Go nap, I will take care of him.
Me: are you going to be able to put him to sleep.
He: yes, I will rock him and put some music on.
Me: but you cant put him in his bassinet, he will wake up and he has been up for 5 hours already. He really needs to sleep. You need to hold him so he can get some sleep.
He: No, I am not holding him.
Me: you can watch tv and hold him.
He: I don’t feel like watching TV. Also 2 hours? What if I need to go to the bathroom?
Me: ok, I wont go to sleep then and will hold him, just like I did yesterday.
He: you will get sick, you need to sleep.
Me: oh welll…
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