Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I get the impression, between this post and your other thread, that your partner is either lazy, or doesn't want to be involved in rearing this child or taking on any responsibility. Maybe this isn't the case, but this is the vibe I am getting.
Your partner needs to step up. No excuses
Works for 8 hours and can only watch the baby for 4 hours? Wants to come home from work and relax (from the other thread) Cry me a river. When my son was born and my wife was on maternity leave, i used to rush home from work to help her. When my son would be crying all night I used to relieve my wife in the middle of the night and wake up on the floor of my son's room at 6AM (only getting 2-3 hours of sleep myself) and get set to go to work. We used to text each other "tag" and swap off when one needed a break or was getting overwhelmed. It was a team effort.
You folks need to get on the same page and get the support you need to raise this baby. I hate to say it, but it sounds like you aren't getting that and may not. There's no reason why your partner cannot contribute more than he has to. Seek out help from your parents, or partner's parents or whoever you can so that you can rest.
My son needed to be held to sleep when he was first born. I've held him many times (for 2 hours or more) while he slept and just watched tv or a movie. If my wife asked me to hold him so she and he could get some sleep, i did it. No excuses. I remember watching football on Sun with my sleeping child on me for the entire game. If i had to use the bathroom, I improvised, or waiting until another relative came by and could hand off for a 10 min break. You did what you had to do no matter how tired you were.
Maybe i'm reading this wrong, but as a new dad I was excited to be there for my wife and child and barely got any sleep for the first 12 months.
In our therapy sessions with my wife, this is precisely not the type of thinking you want to embrace. It isn't what the father nor mother are doing individual but how they are working together as parents. We both suffered through early years with our three children. The mistake was the lack of communication which leads to "I'm doing more and they are not pulling their weight" or "I'm suffering more and they are just taking an easy".... "They are questioning my ability to be a parent". We both handled the stress differently but we both assumed that the other would react in the same way... when we didn't react as we expected... we each made assumptions about the other.. Really bad assumptions that further solidified the feeling that "they don't care and don't love".
This type of thinking leads to score keeping which ultimately can hurt the relationship between the parents.
It is precisely one of the contributing factors in our separation.
For example, we have different up bringing. I come from a disciplinarian background. I had a much younger brother and was old enough to see what does and doesn't work. Her mother kinda coddled her (verbally abusive father.. she was making up for it). However, my wife always saw herself as a mother... ever since she was a little child. Even her college studies is around child development.
Whenever I made suggestions towards the children, she interpreted like I was questioning her role as a mother which was totally incorrect. Sometimes it was to let them be for a little bit and see what happens. She interpreted as ignoring them and her role as a mother. I was bringing up issues up for discussion and perhaps alternative solutions to try. She would respond in anger like "I am the mother... I am ALWAYS right". I didn't see a mother struggling and try to calm her down. What I interpreted was that she didn't want me to be involved which was further from the truth. She was actually wanting me to be more involved but just not ready to change directions. My typical reaction is to walk away to cool off.... and try not to escalate the argument... and return to it later. What she interpreted was I was giving up.
The root of the problem was we weren't communicating nor empathizing with each other that are both struggling as parents. She only saw herself as a struggling mother with a husband that doesn't support her. I only saw myself as a struggling father with a mother who neglects my role as a father.
How about getting a baby swing? You can wind it up, and let it do its magic.
Also, I was wondering if you can rule out colic for your baby? Does your baby cry a lot? Like it's in pain, for hours? If so, try mylicon drops. Heck, try the mylicon drops anyway...you said something about wanting to change bottles, but father doesn't want to do that. If baby is swallowing too fast, it might be getting belly aches, and the drops will help with gas.
We do have a swing but again, he falls asleep in my arms. I put him down (bassinet, crib, swing) he is up in 5-10 min. So lots of cat naps, no real sleep.
He almost never cries but yes, he does drink his milk fast, like 2-3 oz under 5 min. I have all kinds of bottles and nipples. We like the current one but I think it is just too fast.
And we also swaddle him and everything but that gives us 15 min max. In the evening, and night tho, he sleeps 3-4 hours stretches
I agree with the swaddling suggestion and they make some wonderful contraptions that secure the baby to your chest and free up your arms so that you (and partner) can do something besides watch tv . Can you and your babe nap together while the partner is at work? Read some articles on co sleeping
I doubt you are going to change your partner. Be SUPER careful not to get pregnant again too soon.
I am old but this stuff still works if you are comfortable with it.
If the slower bottles work best, put the others away (far away) and only have the ones you want to use available, but if there is really no difference...... pick your battles
From what I can tell he loves the baby. However, he gets extremely frustrated when baby is crying or is fussy. I would go to sleep and hear him saying “wtf” and such. He would complain that the baby is difficult and fussy, while I think he is easy. Yes, he may not nap much during the day unless held… but he never cries. He is mostly happy baby.
So, our conversation went something like this:
He: you need to get some sleep. Go nap, I will take care of him.
Me: are you going to be able to put him to sleep.
He: yes, I will rock him and put some music on.
Me: but you cant put him in his bassinet, he will wake up and he has been up for 5 hours already. He really needs to sleep. You need to hold him so he can get some sleep.
He: No, I am not holding him.
Me: you can watch tv and hold him.
He: I don’t feel like watching TV. Also 2 hours? What if I need to go to the bathroom?
Me: ok, I wont go to sleep then and will hold him, just like I did yesterday.
He: you will get sick, you need to sleep.
Me: oh welll…
You are micromanaging. The baby isn't a grenade that is going to explode if it doesn't get your. exact. perfect. routine. ever. single. moment. He is going to watch the baby and make sure it is alive, fed, clean, and reasonably comfortable for the next two hours.
Either do it ALL yourself, or deal with the fact he will parent differently than you. And do the latter, the former is impossible and unhealthy.
I'm sure he's on the other side of this coin complaining about your micromanagement to whatever adults he gets to interact with. You are both (wisely) biting your tongues in each other's presence to avoid going after each other's throats with the baby putting pressure on your household.
Cut yourself some slack. Put in earplugs, turn on a loud fan, tell him you won't hear him and to come in and wake you up in case of an emergency, then go sleep. Baby will be fine, even if it's awake for 16 hours. The longer it's awake around him, the more likely it is to sleep when you are in charge. Win-win.
From what I can tell he loves the baby. However, he gets extremely frustrated when baby is crying or is fussy. I would go to sleep and hear him saying “wtf” and such. He would complain that the baby is difficult and fussy, while I think he is easy. Yes, he may not nap much during the day unless held… but he never cries. He is mostly happy baby.
We went through this. What my wife didn't see was that when the baby is with her all throughout the day, the baby doesn't really recognize the father's presence. Just like your partner, I is working all day and the mother remain with the baby throughout the day. The baby will certainly find more comfort with the parent that takes care of them the majority of the time. Now factor in her frustrations into my frustrations and the long list of problems we had... it snowballs into feelings that are deep and hard to rationalize since we were both not communicating / empathizing.
There was a period of time that I really did start to feel that I sucked at being a father..... baby wasn't happy with me and neither was the baby's mother... no matter what I did... the same end result.
This goes with many things regarding our children.
In another instance, she asked me to prepare dinner for the babies. I did. but it wasn't "perfect enough" or I was too slow. When the mother is at home preparing most of the meals it shouldn't be a surprise that she will be better at preparing meals.... Its not like I was taking my time... its just that I've had less practice. We also had children with a medical condition that requires a strict preparation of food. So yeh... I was slow too... because I was being careful not to screw it up (contaminate the food with things they might have a severe allergic reaction to).
In particular, my wife and I are different people with different backgrounds... of course, we are going to react and make different decisions in regards to the children. That certainly has to be taken into account.
I'm sure he's on the other side of this coin complaining about your micromanagement to whatever adults he gets to interact with. You are both (wisely) biting your tongues in each other's presence to avoid going after each other's throats with the baby putting pressure on your household.
Cut yourself some slack.
,...
This is certainly true.
However, looking back at my own experiences there is such thing as biting your tongues too much. At some point, it would have been better if we adopted a way to bring up those concerns in a healthy manner; to understand each other's frustrations rather than just to get passed them. They will come up again... and again....
but yeh... I agree with what you said.... help him find his way with the baby.... and find a way to get some sleep... cut each other slack.
You are micromanaging. The baby isn't a grenade that is going to explode if it doesn't get your. exact. perfect. routine. ever. single. moment. He is going to watch the baby and make sure it is alive, fed, clean, and reasonably comfortable for the next two hours.
Either do it ALL yourself, or deal with the fact he will parent differently than you. And do the latter, the former is impossible and unhealthy.
I'm sure he's on the other side of this coin complaining about your micromanagement to whatever adults he gets to interact with. You are both (wisely) biting your tongues in each other's presence to avoid going after each other's throats with the baby putting pressure on your household.
Cut yourself some slack. Put in earplugs, turn on a loud fan, tell him you won't hear him and to come in and wake you up in case of an emergency, then go sleep. Baby will be fine, even if it's awake for 16 hours. The longer it's awake around him, the more likely it is to sleep when you are in charge. Win-win.
This! Let Dad figure it out, the baby will be fine.
We do have a swing but again, he falls asleep in my arms. I put him down (bassinet, crib, swing) he is up in 5-10 min. So lots of cat naps, no real sleep.
He almost never cries but yes, he does drink his milk fast, like 2-3 oz under 5 min. I have all kinds of bottles and nipples. We like the current one but I think it is just too fast.
And we also swaddle him and everything but that gives us 15 min max. In the evening, and night tho, he sleeps 3-4 hours stretches
Well, his evening routine sounds about normal. 3 or 4 hours at a time. During the day, I'm assuming he burps adequately, after a bottle? Does the baby seem distressed? You say he doesn't cry much. If the baby doesn't seem to be distressed, can you just lay him in his bed, maybe have a radio on low, and YOU take a nap while the baby lays in his crib?
Is it possible he's not getting enough to eat? Have you tried giving him a little more formula?
Well, his evening routine sounds about normal. 3 or 4 hours at a time. During the day, I'm assuming he burps adequately, after a bottle? Does the baby seem distressed? You say he doesn't cry much. If the baby doesn't seem to be distressed, can you just lay him in his bed, maybe have a radio on low, and YOU take a nap while the baby lays in his crib?
Is it possible he's not getting enough to eat? Have you tried giving him a little more formula?
He is sleeping one stretch of 3-4 hours in the evening (I am napping l, dad is watching him), usually 8pm-12am. Then, he sleeps 2am-4am and 5.30am-7am. From there it is only these 15 min naps and rarely one hour, maybe once. So, I am concerned, he is not sleeping enough. I am breastfeeding him and he is gaining weight. He also has lots of wet and poopy diapers.
He doesn’t have to lay in crib. He can be with his father bit my concern was to get him some sleep (while being held- the only way he will sleep during the day) vs to just hang out with dad.
My mom will be here in a month. I am ok with whatever the baby needs. If he needs to be held during the day until he can be trained to sleep on his own so be it. I don’t mind it. I just want some support on the weekends. But not the kind of support that will hurt the baby more than help. Not the support that refuses to inconvenience himself….
I know it is hard but how can I stop myself from resenting my partner in situations like this. He also just started this job and I understand he is eager to prove himself but working overtime while I struggle… it is just so annoying
Something I heard recently was that there's a trade off between the new Mom and the husband who is working hard to support mother and child and give them (all) what they need. The man feels that is his job (no matter what you think of that). That doesn't mean he shouldn't help you at all but it sounds like he DOES help you. Perhaps you could have a discussion along the lines of.....'I think I could use the help on the weekends more than we need the extra $$,' unless, of course, that is not true. And then you should talk about that.
Parents are there to balance each other out. An exhausted Mom may become angry and resentful and that's not good for the family.
Agree with others....this is your first time around......you will sort it out but you need to talk to Hubs.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
