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My daughter started middle school this year and as a 6th grader, she's smart but lazy. The effects of virtual learning last year has left me with a child who doesn't want to study, says she hates school and is doing the minimum to pass her classes. Progress reports came out yesterday and she's got A's and B's with C's in a couple of core courses for not turning in materials.
She doesn't check Google Classroom for assignments and doesn't seem to care. I have GC loaded on my cell phone and know more about what's going on with her assignments than she does. Her teachers are super helpful but there's only so much they can do so anything dealing with forcing her to study and/or do homework is super stressful for both of us. I even pay a tutor to help her 3 days a week.
She's diagnosed with ADHD and I've given her a planner to write down assignments but she often forgets to do that so I'm left with a kid who comes home and expects me to guide her through what she needs to do.
My child is on medication for ADHD so here's my approach to homework and studying:
- I pay a tutor (who is a teacher) to help her 3x's a week
- I create quizlets and quizizz's to help her study the materials
- I make flashcards
- We have a routine where we start homework at a specific time everyday
- We try to end studying and homework around the same time everyday so she gets plenty of rest
- I allow frequent breaks because I know she can easily get overwhelmed and distracted
- I'm in contact with her teachers with any issues or questions we may have
- I ask my hubby to help but she prefers me to help her but he does help some
- I was able to get her on a 504 plan so she would be allowed more time during testing
My child has never been a self starter or a kid who can work independently without someone hoovering over her to make sure she gets her work done. I can't leave her to study or do homework alone because her time management skills are horrible. I work in a stressful job and I'm usually mentally exhausted when I get home so adding another 3+ hours to an already stressful day is taking a toll on me. She's in a magnet school that requires her grades to be a certain gpa or she'll end up on academic probation or will get kicked out.
Sadly, I've often thought about letting her crash and burn to let her see what the consequences of her actions but I can't give up on her and know the ADHD is a factor. I'm seriously thinking of switching her to another school but schools in our area are horrible and this one is one of the best (without paying for private). She's a very social kid so losing her friends would be devastating and I'd hate to do that to her. I've talked to her psychiatrist and she says I'm doing all I can do as a parent. I'm trying to encourage her by reminding her that her school is amazing and she needs to meet with her teachers when she has free time if she needs help with something but she never does. She expects me or the tutor to help her. Her tutor is a good friend so I may ask her advice on this also but I don't know what else to do.
Any advice on how to help my child help herself before we both burn out? What should I do?
How about maybe getting her to do homework with a buddy? Like maybe with her best friend. Talk to the best friend's mom, and see if maybe this could be a feasible thing.
Maybe try it on a temporary basis, and if it works and she thrives, great! But if it's NOT working out...well, nothing ventured, nothing gained, and back to the drawing board.
IMO, 6th, 7th, and 8th grades are horrible. Hormones are raging, emotions and tempers are all over the place...it's just such a hard age. Now let's throw in COVID learning and call it normal. lol
MAYBE if your daughter had a friend with her, the friend can MAYBE tutor your daughter a little, or at least encourage your daughter along and keep her on track.
Some kids can flounder under high expectations especially when having to do it right the first time. There is a difference between having an accurate understanding and then performing the work correctly. School tends to focus on the second one without checking if they had an accurate understanding or even a good idea of the purpose of the lesson.
How about maybe getting her to do homework with a buddy? Like maybe with her best friend. Talk to the best friend's mom, and see if maybe this could be a feasible thing.
Maybe try it on a temporary basis, and if it works and she thrives, great! But if it's NOT working out...well, nothing ventured, nothing gained, and back to the drawing board.
IMO, 6th, 7th, and 8th grades are horrible. Hormones are raging, emotions and tempers are all over the place...it's just such a hard age. Now let's throw in COVID learning and call it normal. lol
MAYBE if your daughter had a friend with her, the friend can MAYBE tutor your daughter a little, or at least encourage your daughter along and keep her on track.
I have a friend who's son is an excellent student at the same school and he may be willing to do homework with her. He's a straight A student and is usually on top of his assignments so unless he's done with homework before we get home, it may work.
For one, my 6th grader is a good student with no learning or neurological differences, and she is currently failing 2 classes.
It's early in the year, and after last year I don't expect unicorns prancing across my lawn right away.
I agree that you are doing everything you can to empower your daughter. Is her ADHD well managed? I know you mentioned meds, but they may need adjusting with age, etc.
What is her "currency"? Could she be enticed to be more proactive with special snacks, outings, activities?
You are already doing to much if you are making the Quizlets and flashcards. She should make her own. Have you considered letting her be a mediocre student and let the chips fall where they may?
I've been right where you are. My daughter was identified as Gifted in the 2nd grade but never excelled in elementary school. Not much of a reader. Not a joiner. Quit every after school activity she ever tried right after the non-refundable fees were paid. Middle school we moved to a new state and she knew no one. She was mediocre at all her school work. They would not put her into the gifted program in the new state because her achievement was so poor but she was at a magnet school so getting a lot of enrichment. They put her in a study hall which helped a lot. She refused to take ADD meds or antidepressants. She was miserable. Her emotional struggles were more alarming than her academic struggles. She cut herself. Refused to go to therapy. Fought like Itchy and Scratchy with her sister most of the time. Wrecked everything we tried to do as a family. I was at my wits end, so her average grades did not seem as important to me.
We struggled all through middle school and high school. She did the bare minimum most of the time. I cringe when I think of all the opportunities she missed because she wouldn't follow up or turn in the paperwork or whatever, but I refused to be a helicopter parent and do things for her. If I pushed her into something, she would invariably screw it up on purpose to get out of it. So I just decided to let her be. Her attendance was horrible. She graduated with a C average. Things like dance and fashion design kept her afloat. Luckily it was a magnet school with better than average offerings. (I sacrificed a lot financially to live in that magnet school district and it paid off for both my kids). She got a job as a lifeguard and then failed to show up for work on multiple occasions. Would not show up when I hired a tutor.
She was admitted to her first choice of college 'Second Semester/Spring Admit' because she wasn't quite up to snuff. The idea is those kids should go to community college and gain some skills/maturity. We decided to send her to her second choice which is a well known party school. It was a disaster. Her roommate didn't show up and she was alone for about 2 weeks. Then she rushed a sorority which she loved, but emotionally she was a wreck. She failed every single one of her classes and called us about a month before the end of the semester and asked for psychiatric treatment. She knew she needed help. We got her to finally agree to take meds and she finished the semester and moved out. Spring semester she went to her first choice school and lived with me (there were no available dorm rooms). It was a lot less pressure and she managed it well. Took her meds. Found a housemate for the fall. Learned how to surf. (She lives at the beach) Did okay in her classes. Slowly improved her study habits and adulting skills. The past two years have been astonishing in terms of her growth and maturity. She is a totally different person, hard working, conscientious, responsible, fun to be around. All her positive qualities have come to the forefront and her negative traits have largely VANISHED. She has a part time job she loves and has saved a TON of money for study abroad. She has learned to knuckle down and can knock out a 5 page paper in one day. She prioritizes her assignments and manages her time. She is on the deans list and has a career focus (not a very practical one: art history) but she is invested in her classes and working hard so who am I to judge? She is thinking of going to library school to become an art librarian.
I don't know how this will help the OP, but know that there is hope for a resolution on the other end. If I could do anything differently I'm not sure what it would be. Fight harder to get her to toe the line? I don't think that would have worked. I would not have been at all surprised if she had dropped out of college to work full time (We were not going to support her otherwise). She turned this around all on her own with patient guidance from me and her older sister. They now get along fabulously. She is proud of her accomplishments and can be reflective about her past struggles. She is self aware...just recently started therapy on her own initiative. I can't say enough good things about this kid!
OP, you really might want to consider doing less for your child instead of more. It was an uphill struggle with lots of gray hairs and wrinkles but IMHO it would not have been worth the struggle for me to fight her harder on being an academic success.
Last edited by Stagemomma; 09-16-2021 at 11:57 AM..
Since she has a documented disability (ADHD) and is in a public school, does she have a 504 or an IEP?
If not, you need to request a meeting with the school to get her a 504 or an IEP. A 504 will provide accommodations. An IEP will allow for changes to the curriculum.
Your daughter should have shortened assignments (for example, only half of the math problems), extended time for assignments, lessened penalties for late work, and so forth.
The school must provide her with accommodations that make it a more level playing field between her and neurotypical learners. Your school should be providing tutoring and extra time.
My son has 3 learning disabilities. We never allowed or excused missing assignments. However, we accepted that in some classes he would get C’s. Every semester that he passed math with a 71 or a 72, we celebrated that as much as when our daughter brings home straight A’s.
Waiting on your reply to advise further.
Last edited by calgirlinnc; 09-16-2021 at 12:02 PM..
We pushed and pulled and prodded our son not to earn A’s or B’s, but just so that he wouldn’t fail. We did not push for grades beyond passing. In the end as a senior in HS, he made the honor roll when he no longer had to take math.
Having said that, I’m not sure that the strain of achieving what he did was worth it, in terms of our relationship or in terms of his emotional health.
You are already doing to much if you are making the Quizlets and flashcards. She should make her own. Have you considered letting her be a mediocre student and let the chips fall where they may?
Stagemomma you are 100% correct. I can't tell you how many times I've said that I know more about her schoolwork than she does. It's really exhausting so I'm at a point where I want to cut the strings and allow the chips to fall where they may. If she's okay with being mediocre then so be it. If I get to that point, I won't feel as if I've failed her because I have done everything I can possibly think of to help her with minimal success.
calgirlinnc, yes, she was put on a 504 plan last year that allows her to have 50% more time to take tests and breaks if needed. She took an English test earlier this week and said the teacher allowed her to take the test in the library so she could have that additional time. Her time management skills are horrible so she definitely needs extra time for test taking.
We see a psychiatrist and psychologist every 3 months where they keep a close eye on her meds but they haven't been adjusted in a year so we might need another adjustment. Our next appointment is in October so I'll definitely bring up the issues we are having in hopes that they'll have some suggestions.
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