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I think it's a combination of asleep-at-the-wheel parents, friends, and a kid's desire to be out in the world on their own terms that can be dangerous in the right (wrong) combination. Case(s) in point:
I have a 15 year old daughter. I've been close to her friends, etc since we moved to our hometown 9 years ago. She was raised in church, and she has a younger brother who is special needs. I was a single mom for a long time, and she really doesn't care for her stepdad, or our blended family. I've always (within reason) respected and trusted her, because she's shown me that she deserves it. We have moved away from that hometown, and she'll be joining us soon. She stayed behind with a friend's family that I knew could be trusted, with other adults assisting me by keeping an eye on her. She doesn't know how closely she's being watched. So far, so good. Barring catastrophic incident, I think she'll be in good shape when adulthood hits. I am also not worried about the quality of friends she will surround herself with in our new town. She's very picky... All of the things listed here played a part in forming who she is and how she thinks, but ultimately, she's the one making decisions for herself at that age (when I'm not around, ie with friends, etc). I'm comfortable with that.
I also have a 17 year old stepdaughter who is not doing as well. She was raised by an oblivious "not my kid" mom who managed with some degree of success to keep my husband at bay, so she could raise the kids the way she wanted to. When ber second marriage broke up and she lost everything, of course it turned the kids' worlds upside down. Instead of taking mental care of her kids, she became one herself. My 19 year old stepson, who was also raised in this home, has chosen the "education so I can better myself and get the heck away from here" route. He's still a little immature, even for his age, but I think he'll be ok. The mom has instilled that precious sense of entitlement in both of them. She's a member of the "sue 'em if ya got 'em" school of thought. Now, my stepdaughter is in a LOT of trouble, and the mom claims she just didn't see it coming. Funny, everyone else did... she just didn't want to listen to anyone else when she was warned. Not her kid...
Would I be surprised if my daughter was doing something nefarious behind my back? Um... no... I'd be shocked if she wasn't. She's a teenager, that's her job! Will she get away with it? Not my kid!
...and another thing... cpg, quit with all the posts that make a lot of sense... I'm supposed to spread the rep around!
Why thank you.
I have to admit to reading a lot of these posts with a degree of bemusement. I mean the answers are so obvious. Yet some of these ninnies keep wanting to defend their boneheaded decisions, even though they realize they've screwed up their lives.
I still think learning to make good decisions on who your friends are comes from how kids are raised too. I know there were times when our kids were young, preschool/kindergarten and kids I thought were nice turned out not to be so nice. I would try to set up time for the kids to play and my kids wouldn't want anything to do with the other child. After figuring it out I finally asked the kids and they would tell me all kinds of interesting stories about these 'nice' kids. From then on I let them follow their own instincts about kids and have done an excellent job picking friends. Our kids are 13, 13 and 15 (almost 16) so we have been at it for a little while..
I do believe that good parenting starts from the moment the child is born and carries through until the day we (the parents) die. However, I do also believe strongly that yes a child can be a very good kid and then all of a sudden change, not because parenting of the child has changed but because the influences around that child have changed, circumstances have changed or something has happened to the child to bring about the change.
I am a firm believer in knowing your children's friends. I know most all of my kids friends and a lot of them even call me "mom". However, when I have seen a friend that I don't particularly care for I have voiced that to my children. I have made it to where it is nearly impossible for them to be around each other outside of school. But that is where the problem comes in. You can't go to school with your child and hold their hands through life. They will make their own choices and will hang out even with those kids you don't want them to hang out with when they can until they see for themselves that what you were saying was true. In the meantime, they will just think you are being unreasonable and unfair. Which is fine, as a parent I'm not here to be their friend or gain their approval of my opinion.
However, particularly at the age of 14-18 it gets very difficult as they enter high school and begin to want to spread their wings more, make more and more of their own decisions and start finding who they are outside of what mommy and daddy have been telling them. As parents, we do need to be vigilant during these years but it is not always the parent's fault when the kid goes astray a bit in this time. If you raised them right and taught them the right way, the hope comes in that eventually they will grow out of the little rebellious stage and get back on track.
There are lots of threads written by concerned parents whose children seem to coast through life until they hit 16, 17, or 18, and then inexplicably go off the rails. Raising our own children and dealing with other parents who have raised own, my wife and I have discussed this issue with a great deal of interest.
How many kids do you have and what ages? Are you still married to their mother/father?
Since your kids sound perfect, why don't you make a post to tell us what you did right to make them that way?
Quote:
Originally Posted by mari4him
I do believe that good parenting starts from the moment the child is born and carries through until the day we (the parents) die. However, I do also believe strongly that yes a child can be a very good kid and then all of a sudden change, not because parenting of the child has changed but because the influences around that child have changed, circumstances have changed or something has happened to the child to bring about the change.
I agree with everyone that it's not only the parents but the actual kids, friends and things that happen in life.
I've been a single parent for 7 years then married with domestic violence, divorced & married again. One kids father had nothing to do with them while the other did & screwed with the kids head. We then had deaths, exFIL, my dad, FIL, neighbor, 2 friends, more cancer diagnosises, one child lost a friend to a freak accident, another lost their best friend to a move across the country, then there was complications with my family after my dads death, which was a book in itself to where we found out my mother cheated on my dad and I might not be his. We did a DNA test 2 hours before he died. Add to this my sister emailed my son (who was very close to my dad) that my dad might not be his grandpa.
So it's been a rough few years here and while the kids had issues, we got through them and things are calming down.
Every kid is different & if we were the same, what a boring world it would be. While one person might deal with death one way, another might get so depressed over it that they can't function. Same thing with every day life. I've known people that are so sensative they can't function when they hear the world news.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow
I'm not sure you can even know the whole story until the kid is 25 or so.
Some times even later then that. I've known people that were fine until they reached almost 30 then had a divorce or something that did them in.
I agree with everyone that it's not only the parents but the actual kids, friends and things that happen in life.
I've been a single parent for 7 years then married with domestic violence, divorced & married again. One kids father had nothing to do with them while the other did & screwed with the kids head. We then had deaths, exFIL, my dad, FIL, neighbor, 2 friends, more cancer diagnosises, one child lost a friend to a freak accident, another lost their best friend to a move across the country, then there was complications with my family after my dads death, which was a book in itself to where we found out my mother cheated on my dad and I might not be his. We did a DNA test 2 hours before he died. Add to this my sister emailed my son (who was very close to my dad) that my dad might not be his grandpa.
So it's been a rough few years here and while the kids had issues, we got through them and things are calming down.
Every kid is different & if we were the same, what a boring world it would be. While one person might deal with death one way, another might get so depressed over it that they can't function. Same thing with every day life. I've known people that are so sensative they can't function when they hear the world news.
I agree totally with you. When I made my post I spoke straight from experience. Have I had some struggles with my teenagers. Absolutely. But it really irks me when people assume that all the trouble a parent may have with teenage kids MUST be because the parent failed to raise them properly.
My ex-husband and I did raise them properly. They were polite, well rounded, well mannered children. They had rules and they abided by them. They were raised in church and discipline was a part of their life. We had incorporated even SOME of the Growing Kids God's Way parenting plan with things like the "Interrupt Rule" and teaching children "The Moral Reason Why" as well as "Having The Punishment Fit The Crime". However, life happens and their father and I ended up getting a divorce. No they were not exposed to all this dysfunction, though towards the end they knew there were some troubles. We sat with them, we together discussed the seperation. It was no less a shock to them.
As a result of the divorce, I ended up relocating 3 hours away. The kids continued to see their father the same amount of time the court visitation was for. We'd meet halfway for the exchanges. My son went through some adjustment struggles. I had both of my kids in counseling to try to help them through the changes. This nevertheless was a process and a period of about 6 months of seeing a totally different kid when it came to my son. He struggled with school but that was nothing knew, he did that since kindergarten, was never a book or school kid. At 19 I went through some issues with him again, due to the bad influence of a girlfriend he had.
My daughter was pretty much doing okay up until last year. This came as a result of her experiencing several deaths in our family over the course of only 1 year. First her grandfather in May (her dad's side), then a dear uncle she loved in August (my side), then my uncle in December (only 5 years older than me, more like my brother) and then my aunt. She had also been a cheerleader for 5-6 years and failed to make the squad that year (which may not be a big deal to some but to a 15 year old it becomes part of how they identify themselves). Lastly, she had some girls bullying her and harrassing her in school. Needless to say she took a dive downward and I immediately responded by getting her help to deal with all these things. She is now doing a lot better, but her grades had suffered tremendously to the point that she is having to repeat this school year. Her behavior at home became a struggle to with some strong battles between her and I. (All of which is also under better control now, even her counselor says she has come a long, long way).
So no, I am sorry I do not agree with some people always turning around and saying "Well if your child is acting out or your child is doing this or that it's because you failed to do your job as a parent". There are times when a child's experiences affect their behavior. There are times when yes a child's low self-esteem can affected the choices they make. It is not always the parent's fault.
I am sorry to hear about all that you and your children have gone through but as you can see, I can certainly relate to some of it and understand.
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