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Our daughter is 26 and has been unemployed since March of 2020. She was working in graphic design, but got fired right at the start of the pandemic. She was pretty scared and upset about it and so what we agreed on is that we would financially support her, from rent to cable bills, everything. We did this assuming that she would try and find a new job and be back on her feet soon.
What I soon started realizing is that she began to see this as a vacation that just fell from the sky. I'd call her at 10, 11 in the morning and she either wouldn't pick up, or she'd pick up, sounding groggy, as if she'd been startled awake. More and more, I started seeing debit card expenses spent on shopping and dinner out.
When I would ask her about job searches, it was always vague, rarely did I get a position title or a company name.
After this last round of expenses, which included several hundred dollars on clothes, several hundred on nights out, I called her and told her I am about ready to pull this plug. I explained that she does not get to just call it quits at 26 and live off of my money. I promised her I'd be hawking her and checking in on everything. When she sends job applications, I want company names, position titles, and who she reached out to in order to set up a phone screening. I told her I'd be setting her up on a much tighter budget, which, up until now, she hasn't had.
My daughter isn't my youngest, she's the second youngest, I have 1 son who's younger, 2 are older. They're all self-sufficient and she should be as well.
After she and I finished our call wherein I laid down the law, she called my wife and complained that my new rules were going to be very stressful on her. Her going to her mom, hoping for a good cop-bad cop dynamic is nothing new.
My wife believes that we shouldn't put her on a tight budget, nor should we pull funding completely. My wife seems to believe that any day now, or daughter will be hired, but, I'm not sure how she's going to be hired when she's out shopping on a Tuesday afternoon and grabbing drinks with friends on Wednesday night.
Your wife is not helping your daughter by enabling her.
I suspect you don't want to cut off the rent because you don't want her coming home to live, but that is an option. Only it's possible she might never move out again if she came back home.
She needs a computer and phone to look for work. She doesn't need you providing her any money for additional clothes or entertainment. Go grocery shopping for her once a week or give her a prepaid credit card for that. Do not give her access to other credit cards or debit cards. Do not make her mooching off of you comfortable for her.
Now ... Is your daughter mentally ill or using drugs or alcohol? Is that part of why she isn't working? It may be necessary to insist she get mental health treatment in return for your financial help.
Perhaps you and your wife should go to counseling together to try and get on the same page where your daughter is concerned.
Your wife is not helping your daughter by enabling her.
I suspect you don't want to cut off the rent because you don't want her coming home to live, but that is an option. Only it's possible she might never move out again if she came back home.
She needs a computer and phone to look for work. She doesn't need you providing her any money for additional clothes or entertainment. Go grocery shopping for her once a week or give her a prepaid credit card for that. Do not give her access to other credit cards or debit cards. Do not make her mooching off of you comfortable for her.
Now ... Is your daughter mentally ill or using drugs or alcohol? Is that part of why she isn't working? It may be necessary to insist she get mental health treatment in return for your financial help.
Perhaps you and your wife should go to counseling together to try and get on the same page where your daughter is concerned.
She can move home. I would prefer that, gives me an ability to keep an extra close eye on her. No drug use. The health concern that I do see with her, is weight.
The health concern that I do see with her, is weight.
Over weight or under weight? Anorexia is an emotional problem, a passive aggressive way to handle relationship dynamics that seem out of your hands. I had some experience with this in my twenties.
If you think she's not doing well on her own and would rather have her home, pull the plug. You're the bank roll, you call the shots.
Your daughter and her ally your wife will probably scream bloody murder. But you know that already which is why you're hesitating and asking for advice.
Does your wife often set you up as the "bad guy" where the children are concerned?
At her age your daughter is probably still responsive to one last blast of parental push. But even though irresponsible she's an adult and there's only so much parenting power you have left. It's hard for some people to let that power go.
Since you hold the purse strings, stick with the plan you discussed with your daughter.
Or bring her back home. Where life is sure to get interesting.
Our daughter is 26 and has been unemployed since March of 2020. She was working in graphic design, but got fired right at the start of the pandemic. She was pretty scared and upset about it and so what we agreed on is that we would financially support her, from rent to cable bills, everything. We did this assuming that she would try and find a new job and be back on her feet soon.
What I soon started realizing is that she began to see this as a vacation that just fell from the sky. I'd call her at 10, 11 in the morning and she either wouldn't pick up, or she'd pick up, sounding groggy, as if she'd been startled awake. More and more, I started seeing debit card expenses spent on shopping and dinner out.
When I would ask her about job searches, it was always vague, rarely did I get a position title or a company name.
After this last round of expenses, which included several hundred dollars on clothes, several hundred on nights out, I called her and told her I am about ready to pull this plug. I explained that she does not get to just call it quits at 26 and live off of my money. I promised her I'd be hawking her and checking in on everything. When she sends job applications, I want company names, position titles, and who she reached out to in order to set up a phone screening. I told her I'd be setting her up on a much tighter budget, which, up until now, she hasn't had.
My daughter isn't my youngest, she's the second youngest, I have 1 son who's younger, 2 are older. They're all self-sufficient and she should be as well.
After she and I finished our call wherein I laid down the law, she called my wife and complained that my new rules were going to be very stressful on her. Her going to her mom, hoping for a good cop-bad cop dynamic is nothing new.
My wife believes that we shouldn't put her on a tight budget, nor should we pull funding completely. My wife seems to believe that any day now, or daughter will be hired, but, I'm not sure how she's going to be hired when she's out shopping on a Tuesday afternoon and grabbing drinks with friends on Wednesday night.
How harsh should I be?
Pull the plug now. I have several stories of some of our nieces, nephews, and one brother who has milked unemployment, stimulus checks, food stamps, rental assistance, etc. as much as possible during Covid.
It is a bad, bad habit they fall into. Mentally bad. Emotionally bad. Bad for a resume. It leads nowhere good.
My brother has done this with unemployment multiple times - twice to the point of becoming depressed from sitting at home on social media for over a year doing nothing productive.
Don't keep giving a drunk a drink. Your daughter's behavior shows she cannot handle this life of lazy leisure. She needs to be cut off so she gets some motivation to find a job. The motivation she clearly doesn't have now.
I don't think you're being harsh; you're being practical. Funding shopping sprees? I'm surprised that ever even came up. What did you do, tell her you'd pay for her credit card/s carte blanche, no parameters? That was your mistake.
I don't know what her job experience in graphic design is, but it's a challenging field to get into and stay in. There's a lot of competition. A LOT of college students go into graphic design/art as a major. I suppose they think it's less academic and will be easier? There are 2 graphic design grads among my nieces and nephews. One has been working as a dog walker since she graduated at least a decade ago. The other is living with his parents, which tells me he's not able to support himself in graphic design. OTOH, I've known people who had lucrative careers in the field.
If your daughter got a job in that field once, in theory she should be able to again, but I'm not sure to what extent the Covid economic fallout hinders landing a job in that field. This has been a long-winded way of saying, that I don't know how draconian you can or should get, given these unusual circumstances. OTOH, if she doesn't try, she's guaranteeing failure.
You have the option of bringing her home, but think, first, as to whether or not you want to turn your home into a battleground. Perhaps try enforcing a reasonable budget, first. Living on a budget is not "stressful", that's ridiculous! You need to get your wife on your side, so you two present a team front. Ask your wife how she can justify unlimited spending, shopping sprees, countless nights out for dinner and drinks. Ask (calmly) as if it were a serious question. I doubt she'll have an answer.
Consider trying the budget approach for 2 months, tell your daughter you want to see job search efforts. Can she go back to her college, to the job placement office (a free service for grads), and get some help? They offer free job-search skills workshops, resume-writing workshops, all kinds of things. And they have placement counselors, who are familiar with local businesses and job opportunities. If she got her degree out of state, then obviously, that wouldn't be an option. Look around the community to see if someone offers some of those services.
Good luck, dad! It can be tough to get young adults back on track, when they've had a setback like this. And the current economic conditions don't make it easy. Someone upthread made a good point, though: the longer she stays unemployed, the worse it will look on her resume. She needs to be doing something to have stop-gap employment on her record, while she job searches.
Can she pick up a customer service job somewhere, if only part-time? There are "help wanted" signs EVERYWHERE. Could she try starting a small business doing graphic design as a freelancer? (NOT as a permanent solution, but as a temporary fix.) Even a part-time effort will boost the resume.
My nephew went to school for graphic design and ended up working for a bank and later an insurance company. We don't always get to do what we want, particularly in fields with a lot of competition. She should find a job to do while she looks for something she wants.
My nephew went to school for graphic design and ended up working for a bank and later an insurance company. We don't always get to do what we want, particularly in fields with a lot of competition. She should find a job to do while she looks for something she wants.
Insurance companies train their hires. It can be a steady income for life. She may think it's boring, but it's a job. A career, even.
My nephew went to school for graphic design and ended up working for a bank and later an insurance company. We don't always get to do what we want, particularly in fields with a lot of competition. She should find a job to do while she looks for something she wants.
My daughter lost her job in NYC in 2019 - before the pandemic. I said I would help, if she had a minimum wage job.
She made slightly less than unemployment insurance with temporary, minimum wage job. She could have stayed home, but there is something to be said for getting up early and being out with people.
Your wife is wrong. Stress is actually good for twenty-something year olds.
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