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We have a 15 and 16 year old. They are fully responsible for their rooms and bathrooms. From my perspective, my son is certainly a bigger slob than my daughter, but we usually let things go during the week and on the weekends they know they have to tidy up. We call it getting ready for the next week (laundry done, put away, sheets changed, etc).
They tidy their bathrooms weekly and we "force" a deep clean periodically. Consequences are essentially - you don't do it - you can't go out with friends, have friends over, etc. We don't allow food upstairs (although my son breaks that rule periodically), so it's never really an old smelly food issue, but dust, disarray, etc. My only gripe is we are constantly on them to do the basics. It gets really tiring after a time. In some ways it was easier when I just did it, but they are old enough to maintain their spaces now and learn the skills. We are in the process of hiring a cleaning person and we have told the person that they are not responsible for the kids rooms and bathrooms. They kids will keep that responsibility.
I think as parents it's our job to *make* kids responsible, by training them how to do jobs when they're very, very little - while imparting the message that it's their responsibility to help the family by keeping themselves and their rooms clean (not to mention family chores of dishes, sweeping, yardwork, etc.).
Some kids will take the training and it will become part of their character, and others, you cannot affect - trust me - I trained one relative to clean out his backpack, sweep his room, change bedding, etc., only to be told that "I'm the kind of kid who doesn't bring a pencil to school" - he was skating by on his good looks and personality. Cleanliness never meant anything to him and he ended up having a substance use issue - which I think is part of the reason for not taking good care of himself or his environment (as part of a personality issue even before the substance use started).
I say that to note that extreme sloppiness can be a feature of addiction - knowing what I know now, I would try different methods to encourage responsibility and contribution to the family. I don't know if it could have any bearing on outcomes, but you never know (as I said, my daily supervision and task-making had zero affect on this particular relative).
........ Occasionally, I will go upstairs and clean things for them, which I know I shouldn't do.........?
And why should they clean when mommy will do it for them? You are teaching them to manipulate, and you should be teaching them to take care of themselves.
And why should they clean when mommy will do it for them? You are teaching them to manipulate, and you should be teaching them to take care of themselves.
Yes, I'm aware I'm a contributor to the problem, which is why I described it as a struggle for me. I don't clean up after them constantly; they still maintain the primary responsibility for cleaning their rooms and additionally, I think part of the issue in my house is that the kids and I have a different definition of what "clean" means. They will perceive their space as being just fine, and I want it much more tidy.
I don't have teens, but I was a teenage slob and my parents occasionally harangued me to clean my room even though they were slobs, too.
The kitchen table was a catch-all for mail and papers.
The two-car garage was so cluttered it only fit one car.
The kitchen sink, washing machine and dryer were always full.
You get the idea. The whole house was a mess--probably, most people's houses are. Just something to think about.
I finally reformed in middle age when I read The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. I got my amount of stuff down to a level I could manage and learned how to put things away. This book did for me what all the bi**ing and nagging and organizing and containerizing never did.
I was never a slob back then and I am not now. I like 'orderly and clean.'
I wouldn't just close the door and ignore it, because this is essentially permitting unwanted behavior. Unless you don't care if vermin and bugs eventually find their way into her nest.
I would set expectations and give a daily 'look see.'
Start setting consequences for Miss Slob for not cleaning up her space. Cleaning your room is basic and 13 is in no way too young for them to start learning this.
Edit to add: I grew up in Central America and we actually always had a housekeeper ('cheap' back then and in that part of the world). But I always had chores to do, cleaning my room being one of them and I was required to help the housekeeper. This wasn't a 'you're gonna get waited on' situation. All my siblings had the same requirements. We are all a pretty tidy bunch.
Yes, I'm aware I'm a contributor to the problem, which is why I described it as a struggle for me. I don't clean up after them constantly; they still maintain the primary responsibility for cleaning their rooms and additionally, I think part of the issue in my house is that the kids and I have a different definition of what "clean" means. They will perceive their space as being just fine, and I As it much more tidy.
As long as it is YOUR house, you set the standard for what is clean.
If they want to live like pigs, they can do so when they move out and get their own place.
We have a 15 and 16 year old. They are fully responsible for their rooms and bathrooms. From my perspective, my son is certainly a bigger slob than my daughter, but we usually let things go during the week and on the weekends they know they have to tidy up. We call it getting ready for the next week (laundry done, put away, sheets changed, etc).
They tidy their bathrooms weekly and we "force" a deep clean periodically. Consequences are essentially - you don't do it - you can't go out with friends, have friends over, etc. We don't allow food upstairs (although my son breaks that rule periodically), so it's never really an old smelly food issue, but dust, disarray, etc. My only gripe is we are constantly on them to do the basics. It gets really tiring after a time. In some ways it was easier when I just did it, but they are old enough to maintain their spaces now and learn the skills. We are in the process of hiring a cleaning person and we have told the person that they are not responsible for the kids rooms and bathrooms. They kids will keep that responsibility.
I wonder if explaining that if they do little things (like dusting and picking up) daily, then it won't get out of control - although you'd think they are old enough to understand this.
I dunno - seems like a completely typical stage for teenagers. For some it is longer than for others - I definitely went through a phase for maybe 2 or 3 years and turned out okay later! I was not allowed food in my room so I think that helped limit the "damage" of just being messy. I had piles everywhere but knew EXACTLY where everything was which drove my mom crazy!
I almost wonder if I'd be a bit worried if a teen completely avoided being messy for a period. Kind of like a kid who never rebelled in ANY way at all - that's what teenagers have to do in order to grow and separate and become independent. Messiness is just one way to do that.
Concentrate on how they're doing in school, sports, activities, and friendships - let the room go...mostly. But make THEM clean every month - on their own and having to meet your standard on inspection.
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